Trigger alert
Today’s blog is about emotional abuse, and its consequences.
Introduction
The following quotation sets the scene, though its relevance might not be clear until you have read the whole article:
Turn your steps towards these everlasting ruins, all this destruction the enemy has brought on the sanctuary. Your foes roared in the places where you met with us; they set up their standards as signs. They behaved like men wielding axes to cut through a thicket of trees. They smashed all the carved panelling with their axes and hatchets. They burned your sanctuary to the ground; they defiled the dwelling place of your Name. They said in their hearts, “We will crush them completely!” They burned every place where God was worshipped in the land (Psalm 74:3-8; NIV).
An open letter to my mother
Mother, despite claiming to love me, you established control over me from my early childhood onwards. You did this through scorn, criticism, bullying, condemnation, rage, and bouts of violent destructiveness. These behaviours made me fear you deeply. I lived in dread of your next outburst.
You continued to maintain control over me during my teenage years and adulthood, too, using intrusion, disapproval, and anger when I dared to express personal feelings, thoughts or beliefs you didn’t like. Similarly, you reacted with fury and threats of coercion if I tried to make my own decisions about what I wanted to do with my life. When I made mistakes, or got things wrong, you never forgave me, or forgot it. All this made me dread seeing you and spending time with you. I particularly hated the sound of your voice, and loathed you touching me, but was afraid to stand up to you, or to say “no”.
Your ways of controlling me have had severe, pervasive, long-term consequences for my mental health, in the form of low self-esteem, anxiety, dread, panic attacks and agoraphobia. I have also had to cope with a constant sense of not wanting to be alive, with chronic depression, and with episodes of acute depression. Furthermore, one question has always preyed on my mind:
How could you say you loved me, yet behave as you did towards me?
It didn’t make sense. I just couldn’t square what you said with what I experienced.
Then, on the 24th of May, 2020, a friend sent me a message she had seen on a Facebook site about domestic abuse. It read:
It’s not CONSENT if you make me afraid to say no.
I stared at these words, instantly electrified by their brevity, clarity and profound truth. Within seconds, a personal variation flashed into my mind:
It’s not LOVE if you make me afraid to say no.
Deeply stirred by this insight, further phrases began tumbling out of my unconscious mind. Here are just a few examples:
It’s not love if you make me afraid to disagree.
It’s not love if you criticise me all the time.
It’s not love if you make me afraid to be myself.
It’s not love if you make me afraid to choose for myself.
It’s not love if you belittle my achievements.
It’s not love if you only approve of me when I behave like you.
At last, in my late sixties, my friend’s message had given me the answer to my question: your behaviour towards me shows clearly that you did not, in fact, love me in any meaningful way at all.
This shocking realisation made me consider what kinds of behaviour do, in fact, reflect and express genuine love. Here are the best answers I’ve found so far:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, or boastful, or proud, or rude. It does not demand its own way (1 Corinthians 13:4-5; NLT).
It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5; NIV).
I know that none of us is perfect, mother, but when I confronted you, you could at least have admitted what you did to me, and said you were sorry. Over the years, I managed to raise the subject of your behaviour with you several times, always at huge personal cost. However, you never responded with genuine understanding or honesty, instead always trying to justify, minimise, or deny what you had done.
For many years now, I have worked hard to forgive you. Sometimes I even think I’ve succeeded. Fortunately, God understands and accepts the intense anger and bitterness that can still occasionally emerge from my mind, heart and soul. Slowly, gently, he gives me the insights I need in order to be healed, for which I am profoundly thankful.
Ruth.
References
Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honouring each other (Romans 12:9; NLT).
Do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them (Ephesians 6:4; NLT).
I am the Lord, who heals you (Exodus 15:27; NIV).
My dear sister Ruth, this post must have been so painful to write. I am not being flippant when I say I completely understand what you have shared, for I had an identical relationship with my father. I am in my fifties now, but the scars are still there under the skin in my heart and mind. This post by you is a divine appointment sister, this morning in my prayers I was reminded very vividly my abuse at the hands of my father. I asked our heavenly Father to show me why this hurts so much today, more than usual. Here in your post I find my answer! Our pain and scars are very real, but we are blessed that we have the best loving Parent in God our Father. He is healing us in His time and in His way. Our God is Good all the time sister – praise His Name!
My dear friend, thank you so much for your message and all your kind words. I’m just sitting at the kitchen table feeling scorched and drained by the last 24 hours. You are the only person who has contacted me about what I wrote. But my prayer each day is that if just one person is helped, all the pain and hard work is worthwhile. You have made it worthwhile today, and I really am grateful, at this very low point. More importantly, through, I’m so sorry that you, too, have had to face similar, abusive experiences, and to be affected by their consequences throughout your life. To be honest, if I didn’t have God, I wouldn’t cope at all, and probably wouldn’t still be alive. Would I be right in suspecting that the same is true for you? May God bless you with healing, love, inner peace and quiet joy, in life, then forever, in oneness with him, beyond your death XXXX
Ruth you are so right, without God in our lives working to keep us and heal us we would not have made it here today. Dear sister we must be patient with folk when we share our story, they have very little understanding of such abuse and are scared of saying anything in case it is wrong. Over the years I have spoke to some people but only got blank looks, they were out of their depth or uncomfortable. We are in a select group Ruth where our best and closest Comforter is our Father God, He knows because He was there when the abuse happened, I am certain He wept with us then and still does today. He was there when we considered ending it all, but He held us close and carried us out of that darkness, hallelujah sister. Some scars require a longer treatment plan, ours are in that bracket sister. Our healing is ongoing, today we are making more progress by the grace of Father God.
Dear Alan, you expressed this truth so beautifully: “He knows because He was there when the abuse happened, I am certain He wept with us then and still does today.” Thank you so much for all you wrote, and all your comfort. In your honour, I’ll be posting about this tomorrow. He is indeed healing us bit by bit, every day, year by year, until the very last day of our lives XXXXX
My dear sister Ruth, I have been blessed and comforted today by your open letter and its following notes. As I said this has been a divine appointment today courtesy of our Father God. All honour and glory belong only to Him.
If you have been helped, Alan, it’s all been worthwhile. God is amazing! May he bless you xxxxx
May He bless us both Ruth!😉🙏
Thank you for these heartfelt and honest words. They touch my heart deeply. And on similar matters and feeling I feel totally challenged on forgiveness. And at a loss.
Hello, Carolyn, thank you so much for your message. I’m glad this blog has touched and challenged you, but I didn’t understand your phrase “and at a loss”. XXXXX