Inner conflict

Context: As soon as I start to pray, I often see what I have to write, yet, having scribbled it down and started to sort it out (which can take several hours), I then feel I should still be praying. This is a daily conflict. I’ve thought about asking for help with it, but didn’t expect anyone to understand. 

Yesterday, I suddenly realised that this inner conflict comes from my childhood. Whatever I was doing, my mother never hesitated to criticise me, telling me what I should be doing instead. I lived in fear of her anger, and I could never relax, or lose myself in what I was doing.

Thus, I began to glimpse the possibility that it’s okay to do whatever I’m doing, without feeling I should actually be doing something else.

At the time of writing the above, I thought how helpful it would be to link it with a relevant prayer, but a rare, brief attempt to write one on my own came to nothing, as is always the case.

However, today, when I had just woken up, and wasn’t even thinking about this issue, the following mirror-image prayers suddenly came to me, encapsulating all I needed to learn:

1. I love you 

I love you, Lord (Psalm 18:1; NLT). 

I love you when I’m praying,
And I love you when I write.
I love you when I’m wrong, Lord,
And I love you when I’m right.

I love you when I’m busy,
And I love you when I’m still.
I love you when I’m well, Lord,
And I love you when I’m ill.

I love you when I’m serving,
And I love you when I sin.
No matter what I’m doing, Lord,
I love you, God within.

2. You love me

God’s love toward us is great (Psalm 117:2; TIV). 

You love me when I’m praying,
And you love me when I write.
You love me when I’m wrong, Lord,
And you love me when I’m right.

You love me when I’m busy,
And you love me when I’m still.
You love me when I’m well, Lord,
And you love me when I’m ill.

You love me when I’m serving,
And you love me when I sin.
No matter what I’m doing, Lord,
You love me, God within.

We know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.
Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.
(1 John 4:16; NIV).