Category: mother

6.6.23. You are our Father

Ruth Kirk
Ramdion, Pixabay.

This prayer arrived yesterday morning whilst I lay very still, praying without words. I have included more references than usual, as Biblical imagery about God is so rich.

O LORD, you are our Father (Isaiah 64:8; NLT).

Will I, who causes others to give birth, not also give birth myself, says the Lord? Will I, who bestows generation upon others, be barren myself, says the Lord your God? (Isaiah 66:9; CPDV).

You are our Father,
And our Mother;
You are our Sister,
And our Brother;
You are our Husband,
Wife, and Lover;
You are our God:
We want no other.

You are our Bridegroom,
And our Bride;
You are our Shepherd,
Way, and Guide;
You’re the Companion
At our side;
Living within us:
You provide.

You are our Master,
Saviour, Friend;
Teach us, Lord, help us,
And defend;
Pardon our sins,
Our faults, transcend;
Make us like you, Lord:
Love without end.

God is love (1 John 4:8; NLT).

The faithful love of the LORD never ends! (Lamentations 3:22; NLT).

References

Humankind was created as God’s reflection: in the divine image God created them; female and male, God made them (Genesis 1:27; TIB).

For a long time I have kept silent, I have been quiet and held myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant (Isaiah 42:14; NIV).

You deserted the Rock, who fathered you; you forgot the God who gave you birth (Deuteronomy 32:18; NIV).

As a mother consoles a child, so I will console you (Isaiah 66:13; NET).

Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother (Matthew 12:50; NLT).

I am my lover’s, and my lover is mine (Song of Songs 6:3; NLT).

You are our God (2 Chronicles 14:11; NLT).

God will rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride (Isaiah 62:5; NLT).

I promised you as a pure bride to one husband – Christ (2 Corinthians 11:2; NLT).

The LORD is my shepherd; I have all that I need (Psalm 23:1; NLT).

Jesus told him, “I am the way” (John 14:6; NLT).

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

God is the one who provides seed for the farmer and then bread to eat (2 Corinthians 9:10; NLT).

You are my Master (Psalm 16:2; NLT).

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior, my God is my rock, in whom I find protection (Psalm 18:2; NLT).

The Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image (2 Corinthians 3:18; NLT).

4.5.23: A remarkable dream 

Ruth Kirk
John Martin – Feeding the Five Thousand – B1977.14.4260 – Yale Center for British Art. Wikimedia Commons.

Regular readers will know about my childhood, but for those who don’t, here is a link to a blog which summarises it: https://wp.me/p45bCr-dTm.

While I was lying in my bed, this is what I dreamed… (Daniel 4:10; NLT).

Last night I dreamed that my mother and I were in charge of catering for group of 15-20 adults and children. One day we completely forgot to discuss what to make for their dinner. 

While everyone was out for the afternoon, I tried to make some scones as a surprise for them when they came in. However, I couldn’t find the recipe I was looking for, and everything I tried to do went wrong.

Long before I expected them, the group returned, hungry, and eager for their evening meal. Realising with horror that my mother and I had forgotten all about it, I searched around for some biscuits and leftovers to keep them going. However, what I found was clearly inadequate; I felt ashamed as I offered it around. There wasn’t even any butter or jam to make the stale, dry food a little more palatable.

When my mother appeared, she quickly grasped the situation, went to the kitchen, and started cooking, though we had very few ingredients available, and no meat. Meanwhile, I spent time with our guests.

Eventually she served them with small portions of plain boiled vegetables. The recipients looked very disappointed. It was a woefully inadequate meal, and we both knew it. I expected my mother to be furious with me, but to my utter astonishment, she didn’t dump the blame on me for our joint mistake. We shared our failure without a word of recrimination.

This dream might not sound very surprising to other people, but was very remarkable for me, because nothing remotely like it ever happened while my mother was alive. In fact, throughout my 70 years of life, it was by far the most positive dream I’ve ever had about her.

It’s a long time since my mother died, but I’m starting to wonder if God is slowly moving me towards healing, one dream at a time…

Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! (Isaiah 49:15; NLT). 

31.3.23: A dream of unconditional love

Ruth Kirk

Introduction

For several weeks I have been living with a constant, painful sense of dread, which began after a particularly disturbing dream. Last Wednesday I talked this over with a wise, spiritual woman. All that day, I had a headache, which progressed to a migraine by bedtime, leading to a very disturbed night. Early next morning I had a vivid dream about my father, which is a very rare occurrence for me, as we were never close. I have no memories of him asking me about myself, touching, kissing, or embracing me.

The dream

In the dream, my father and I were standing next to a car in a country park. Within the park there was a sports centre, built on top of a steep hill. He wanted to walk there, whereas I needed to continue in the car, as I wasn’t strong enough to climb the hill. We therefore agreed to split up, meeting again shortly at the centre.

The car took me quickly up the hill, but my father didn’t arrive as expected, and I gradually became more and more concerned about him. Aware that he had already suffered two heart attacks, I feared he might have had a third on the hill, and be lying somewhere needing help, or even dead.

Then, at last, he arrived. We hugged tightly for a long time, sharing a deep, reciprocal closeness. While we were hugging, he kept murmuring in my ear gently, quietly and comfortingly. Although I can’t remember what he said, his words and tone of voice were soothing and reassuring.

In the dream, I knew that my mother was dead, but as the hug continued, I felt for the first time ever that this man was my father and my mother, all at once. It was an entirely novel sensation for me, both physically and emotionally. I also experienced love for him, and because of the way he was holding me I was confident that he loved me, too. During our hug I felt safe, loved, satisfied and complete.

Waking up

After waking up, I realised that my dream had given me a first, brief glimpse of God’s unconditional love. This left me stunned. It’s something I have known about intellectually for a long time, but I haven’t truly experienced it before this dream.

As truly as God is our Father, so truly is God our Mother (Julian of Norwich).

He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD‘s faithfulness endures forever. Praise the LORD! (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

23.2.23: Feeling unacceptable

Ruth Kirk

Introduction
The day before yesterday, as soon as I woke, I wrote down the emotions crowding that night’s dream. For the first time in years, this included some positive feelings alongside the usual negatives, although this blog will mainly focus on the negatives:

Negatives: Feeling unacceptable, disliked, rejected, ashamed, unloved, unlovable, a failure, vulnerable, insecure.

Positives: Briefly feeling wanted, joyful, loving, connected with a person, connected with an animal.

A learning opportunity
Dreams are a learning opportunity. Writing down the emotions they generate enables me to connect with aspects of myself it would be much more comfortable to ignore, deny, or suppress.

As I began to pray, I saw that the emotions experienced during my dream were showing me how I feel about myself. Then I understood that throughout my life a lot of my waking behaviour and sense of self have been driven by the negative emotions listed above.

The origins of my fear and insecurity 
The feelings I typically experience during dreams have their origins in my relationship with my mother. As a child, I had no way of understanding them or putting them into words. I instinctively concealed them, because expressing them in any way risked incurring my mother’s criticism, anger and punishment. It was made crystal clear that I was a burden, so, unsurprisingly, I grew up feeling deeply unacceptable to others.

However, I couldn’t hide the effect this had on me. My distress was revealed by behaviours I couldn’t control, including tears, anxiety, fears, lack of confidence, recurrent nightmares, headaches, stress, perfectionism, bed-wetting and sleepwalking.

As I got older, the origin of my fears was buried far beyond conscious awareness. However, my damaged sense of self continued to fester in my unconscious mind, surfacing as panic attacks which seemed to come out of the blue. Anxiety, agoraphobia, claustrophobia and depression went on to dominate my life for many years, until I eventually started to get effective help.

My emotional framework
I see now that all my dreams essentially reveal how I have come to feel about myself as a result of how I was treated as a child. My negative experiences formed the foundation of my adult self-image.

However, alongside this realisation I’m beginning to glimpse that perhaps my feelings about myself don’t actually belong to me at all; they may simply be how I was made to feel when I was young. Hopefully, more will be revealed in the coming days.

Positive emotions
Meanwhile, I haven’t forgotten those rare, positive emotions experienced during my dream. These have given me hope that if my unconscious mind, and therefore my dreams, can change, perhaps my conscious sense of who and what I am can change as well.

So, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

Thank  you, Lord God,
With all my heart,
For the secret riches
You give me
From the darkness
Of my unconscious mind.

Through Jesus’ name.
Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).