Prayer, suffering, life, courage, help, bear, illness, mental, physical,

Emotional abuse

 

Lord,

Every day
I’m still affected

By the consequences
Of my mother’s emotional abuse –

Depression, 
Anxiety,
And fear;

Low self-esteem, 
Panic, 
And dread.

So every day
Brings me fresh opportunities
To forgive her.

…………………………………………….

References

“Lord, how many times shall I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!” (Matthew 18:21-2; NLT). 

If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins (Matthew 6:14-15; NIV).

Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us (Luke 11:4; NIV).

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Prayer, suffering, life, courage, help, bear, illness, mental, physical,

I go with you

Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer (Luke 5:16; NLT).

Be silent before the Sovereign Lord (Zephaniah 1:7; NIV).

He has known your walking through this great wilderness: these forty years the Lord your God has been with you (Deuteronomy 2:7; HNV).

In all their suffering he also suffered (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

************************************

Lord,

I go with you
Into my wasteland, 

To walk among the ruins 
Of my years –

Abuse, fear, loss,
Depression, mental illness;

Sickness, failure,
Sinfulness, and tears.

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Personal growth, faith, prayer, contemplation, love, oneness,, Prayer

No soul

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).

You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind (Luke 10:27; NLT).

Let love be your highest goal! (1 Corinthians 14:1; NLT).

******************************

Father,
Life with you
Is an adventure –

It has meaning,
Steps to learn,
A final goal.

But without you
It’s essentially
Depressing –

It lacks meaning,
Has no structure,
And no soul.

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Prayer, prayer, healing, contemplation, oneness, love,, suffering, life, courage, help, bear, illness, mental, physical,

You dwell in me

Lord,
You dwell in me,
And I in you –

In depression,
In anxiety,
And fear;

In anger,
And in hurt, Lord,
And distress;

In sickness,
And in weariness,
And pain;

In joy, Lord,
And in ecstasy,
And bliss;

In life, Lord,
And in death,
For evermore –

Lord,
You dwell in me,
And I in you.

***************************

You are the temple of the living God (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT).

The kingdom of God is within you (Luke 17:21; KJV).

In him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28, NIV).

There is […] one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all
(Ephesians 4:5-6; NLT).

Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them (1 John 4:16; NIV).

Whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit (1 Corinthians 6:17; NIV).

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agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, cycling,, Prayer

Agoraphobia diary: day 5

Hello to all readers. Today is the fifth day of my week-long agoraphobia challenge. The most difficult parts of my trip start to kick in today. My son will drive me from Ely to Leicestershire (about two hours), where we will arrive at my sister’s house around lunchtime. After lunch, my son will leave, and my sister and I will visit our mother in her care home not far away. That might not sound terribly difficult to some readers. However, seeing my mother is always stressful, as my agoraphobia, depression and anxiety go all the way back to my very earliest memories at home.

Over recent years I’ve slowly developed One or two coping techniques to help me through these visits, but I still dread them. As always, it will be interesting to observe how it goes, so I plan to share that with you in my evening blog, as long as I have sufficient energy left.

Finally, I’ll be staying at my sister’s house for two nights, so must say goodbye to my quiet hotel room and move on to a new temporary home. This is just another part of my week-long exposure exercise, but, as ever, it will take mental effort and physical energy to cope.

For those who follow this blog each day, here is my morning prayer. I’ll be keeping it pretty close to my heart during the car journey, later, at the nursing home, and in the night at my sister’s house.

Always with me

I know the Lord is always with me (Psalm 16:8; NLT).

When I wake up, you are still with me! (Psalm 139:18; NLT).

*******************************

Lord,
You are always
With me –

So when I wake,
I wake with you;

When I roam,
I roam with you;

When I work,
I work with you;

And when I rest,
I rest with you.

Amen.

 

 

 

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agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, cycling,, Prayer

Agoraphobia diary: 3.30am on day 2

Hello everyone. Spoiler alert: this blog will be mentioning child emotional abuse, so if you don’t want to think about that, you might want to switch off now.

Well, managing the inevitable challenges of day one resulted in a really bad anxiety dream last night. So I’m typing this at 3.30am, whilst thinking about the day ahead. My main worry is that I will be travelling about 20 miles in the back of my son’s car, wedged between two large, fixed child seats and my two grandsons. As yet, I don’t know if the car’s automatic child locks will be engaged, but all aspects of this scenario are a torment to a severe claustrophobic like me. I can clearly remember panic attacks in enclosed situations from before I was 3 years old, so in some ways my claustrophobia is even worse and more longstanding than my agoraphobia.

It’s taken me 65 years to manage this fear relatively well on a plane, but it’s interesting that the fear in a car, a lift, or a loo is still so bad. So, thinking all this over, I’ve decided to briefly tell my son how I feel. We could perhaps then arrange that he will stop the car to let me get out and collect myself, if I ask him to. Not looking forward to it, but ready to face up to it, if that makes sense!

Lastly, I haven’t even mentioned that any lift means going away from relative safety, and having to wait until the driver is ready to return. So there is a risk I will have to deal with a panic attack without a quick escape route I can control. I still routinely turn down kind offers of a lift because of this anxiety, though always giving a socially acceptable reason. Maybe I should now start to review that policy…

 

Why should I be ashamed?

 

Lord,

Why should I be ashamed
Of my agoraphobia?

It’s a standard consequence
Of child emotional abuse.

Why should I be ashamed
Of my depression?

It’s a text-book response
To child emotional abuse.

Why should I be ashamed
Of my anxiety?

It’s a basic reaction
To child emotional abuse.

But acceptance is not
Passive resignation –

Help me to fight back, Lord,
Till my last breath.

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agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, cycling,, Prayer

Agoraphobia diary: introduction

Warm greetings to you all. Some of you may remember a short trip I made by bike a couple of years ago, during which I stretched the boundaries of my agoraphobia. Today I’m starting a new challenge: the most demanding and complex journey I’ve ever made on my own. It will use all the skills I’ve slowly been working on throughout my life, including flying, cars, and trains (though I haven’t actually been on a train for many years). I’ll also be staying in 3 different locations, and having some painful hospital treatment, just to add an extra touch of excitement and exhaustion. As well as the agoraphobia, I also live with chronic fatigue, chronic depression, and chronic migraine, so the whole project will be taxing in a variety of different ways.

During this 7-day trip, I’ll do my very best to keep up with the daily blogs, but will also add a short, honest report on how things are going. So, to kick off, before I leave for the airport later this morning, here is today’s prayer, which is introduced by one of my very favourite quotations from the Bible:

Agoraphobia

Ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands (Isaiah 55:12; KJV).

*****************************

Lord,

I’ve suffered
All my life
From agoraphobia,

But now accept,
Embrace it,
Without pain.

I know that
It’s the product
Of my childhood,

For fear
Has shaped my body,
And my brain.

I live with it;
I’m not ashamed
To speak of it;

But manage it
As best I can,
With prayer;

So in one sense
I’m no longer
Agoraphobic,

For I do not suffer,
Now I’ve learned
To care.

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