agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, cycling,, Prayer

Agoraphobia diary: 6pm on day 5

So, today is drawing to a close, and it’s been quite hard in some ways. Trigger alert: if you don’t like mild references to the effects of childhood emotional abuse, now is the time to do something else.

After an early start, I said goodbye to my family, then travelled up to Leicestershire, with my son driving. It was interesting to note that I felt fine until I saw the first sign for the town where I was brought up, when a sharp pang of anxiety automatically shot through me.

My sister and her husband made us very welcome for lunch, then my son left, and I fell asleep, very tired after the cumulative efforts of the previous few days.

Then came the hardest part of the day: visiting my mother in her nursing home. I was alone with her for about 40 minutes. She never leaves her bed, and slept the whole time, so I sat quietly, observing both her, and my own feelings. Even though she is very old, deaf, immobile and blind, I still dreaded her waking up, or speaking, still felt she might rise up and be as she used to be. I didn’t touch her, approach her, or speak to her, but tried to pray.

My sister returned exactly when she had promised, and I left the Home with relief. Tomorrow may be harder, as I’m imagining that a cheerful staff member with a loud voice might rouse my mother. She’s so deaf that people have to shout into her ear, and that means getting close. However, I have developed the technique of keeping my arms behind my back, so she can’t get hold of me in any way. That has given me a small sense of retaining some control over allowing her to intrude on my body.

I honestly don’t know how I’d manage if it weren’t for the progress I’ve made through faith and contemplation. So for those who like such things, here is today’s evening prayer:

Facing each day

The same Spirit gives great faith to another (1 Corinthians 12:9; NLT).

It is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God (Ephesians 2:8; NIV).

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Lord,
Facing each day
With you

Is very different
From facing it
Without you;

So, thank you
For the gift
Of faith in you.

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light, fire, love, peace, prayer, faith, contemplation, God,, Prayer

No matter what today may bring

These three remain: faith, hope and love (1 Corinthians 13:13; NIV).

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).

Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).

I hold you by your right hand – I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid, I am here to help you’ (Isaiah 41:13; NLT).

 

Lord,
No matter
What today
May bring,
Please give me
The faith,
And hope,
And love
I need,
To face it all
With you.

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Prayer

In silent prayer

Be silent before the Sovereign Lord (Zephaniah 1:7; NIV).

We shall see face to face (1 Corinthians 13:12; NIV).

After the fire [there was] a still small voice (1 Kings 19:12; KJV).

Come into his presence (1 Chronicles 16:29; NLT).

He loves us with unfailing love (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

 

In silent prayer,
We see your hidden face, Lord.

In silent prayer
We hear your still, small voice.

In silent prayer
We feel your unseen presence.

In silent prayer
We know your endless love.

 

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Prayer

Always here

God is with us (Isaiah 7:14; NLT).

He is not far from any one of us (Acts 17:27; NLT).

He loves us with unfailing love (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

Surely the Lord is in this place (Genesis 28:16; NLT).

 

Lord,
Whether I find you in my prayers
Or not,
You’re with me.

Whether I hear your voice
Or not,
You’re always near.

Whether I see your face
Or not,
You always love me.

Whether I feel your presence
Or not,
You’re always here.

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