agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, cycling,, Personal growth, faith, prayer, contemplation, love, oneness,, Prayer

Agoraphobia diary: day 4

Hello to you all. Day four hasn’t been too bad, as expected. I checked out a couple of charity shops and my favourite kitchen outlet, then met my family for an extended exploration of Ely Cathedral. It’s surprising how distracting it is to pay close attention to two small children in a huge public space. Between us, we managed to watch the boys whilst gazing up and around sufficiently to take in something of our surroundings.

We had lunch in the busy Cathedral Cafe, then the boys had a run around outside on the grass. I was beginning to tire, and to long for a rest, but they wanted to show me their favourite charity shop. Again, I forgot myself for a while, helping one to read aloud from a big book about weapons and armour! The inner process of deciding how much further to push myself is a very delicate one. When I’m alone, of course, I only have to stay for as long as I wish!

Eventually, we had all had enough. I exerted myself to do my own very small amount of shopping, then returned to my room, where I immediately fell asleep. Today feels a bit like the calm before the storm. I’ve got used to my room, and feel safe there now, always pleased to return to quietness and rest. However, tomorrow I have to leave this new-found security behind, and move on to Leicestershire, where I will stay with my sister, and visit my 101-year old mother in her nursing home. Meanwhile, the train journey on Thursday morning is coming a little closer each day, and preying on my mind.

Today I realised that being completely honest about my fears has made it considerably easier for me to cope with the days with my family. So this became the subject of my prayer:

Real things

Lord,

I can speak
And write
About real things!

Real feelings,
Real anxieties,
Real fears!

I can be honest!
What a relief!
I’m not ashamed!

I make sense.
I do my best –
And life is good.

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Prayer

Close

Come close to God, and God will come close to you (James 4:8; NLT).

The Lord is close to all who call on him (Psalm 145:18; NLT).

He is close to those who trust in him (Nahum 1:7; NLT).

The kingdom of God is within you (Luke 17:21; NKJV).

You are the temple of the living God (Luke 17:21; NKJV).

Lord God,
You are as close to me
As breathing,

As close as the thoughts
In my mind,

And the feelings
In my heart –

For you dwell
In my soul.

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Prayer

Contemplation

For the Lord your God is a consuming fire (Deuteronomy 4:24).

God is love (1 John 4:16; NLT).

God is light (1 John 1:5; NLT).


Lord,
During contemplation –

There’s no need
To drive away my thoughts,
Because they’re melted
By your fire;

There’s no need
To push away my feelings,
Because they’re healed
By your love;

And there’s no need
To wish away my inner darkness,
Because it’s flooded
By your light.

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Prayer

Feelings

…God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything (1 John 3:20; NLT).


We can’t avoid our feelings:
Anxiety, depression,
Sorrow, panic, rage –
And more.

So the first step towards
Not being overwhelmed by them
Is learning to accept
Their presence.

Next, we need to listen to our emotions,
Understand what they are telling us,
And make the necessary changes
In our lives.

Only then will difficult feelings
Start to fade,
Having helped us learn a little more
About ourselves.

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