Breast cancer, mastectomy,, Forgive, blame, anger, turn cheek, hurt, prayer,

My heart is full of worries

My heart is full of worries, Lord,
Concerns I can’t subdue;

Resentment, fear, remorse, and shame –
I don’t know what to do.

So these become my prayers, Lord,
And I share them all with you;

We work on them together,   
Talking every problem through. 

Then my poor mind grows clearer
As your way comes into view;

My plans are laid; my heart grows light;
And your peace falls like dew. 

 

References 

I am poor and needy, and my heart is full of pain (Psalm 109:22; NLT).

O God, you know how foolish I am; my sins cannot be hidden from you (Psalm 69:5; NLT).

Make your way plain for me to follow (Pslam 5:8; NLT).

The peace I give is a gift the world cannot give (John 14:27; NLT).

I will be to Israel like a refreshing dew from heaven (Hosea 14:5; NLT).

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Breast cancer, mastectomy,, chronic fatigue, depression, Faith, hope, love, God, Prayer

Speak the truth

Father,

May I always 
Speak the truth 
To you in prayer,

With no pretence, 
”Forgetting”,
Or false shame;

And may I pray 
At all times 
In your Holy Spirit, Lord, 

With faith, and hope, 
And love,
Through your Son’s name.

 

References 

We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NIV). 

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion (Ephesians 6:18; NLT).

Three things will last forever — faith, hope and love — and the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:13; NLT).

Ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it (John 14:14; NLT).

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Breast cancer, mastectomy,, Faith, hope, love, God, Prayer

Every time I fail

 

Lord, 

Every time I fail 
To love my neighbours,

Strangers, migrants, 
Enemies, or friends,

May I admit my guilt and shame
Before you, 

Then turn to them,
And try to make amends.

 

References

Love your neighbour as yourself (Mark 12:31; NLT).

Love ye therefore the stranger (Deuteronomy 10:19; KJV).

Show love to foreigners (Deuteronomy 10:19; NLT).

Love your enemies (Matthew 5:44; NLT).

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends (Proverbs 17:9; NLT).

Repent of your sins and turn to God (Matthew 3:2; NLT).

So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-4; NLT). 

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Prayer, suffering, life, courage, help, bear, illness, mental, physical,

We cannot share your light

 

Lord,

We cannot share your light
Without your darkness.

We cannot share your peace
Without your pain. 

We cannot share your hope 
Without your sorrow.

We cannot share your way
Without your shame. 

We cannot share your truth 
Without your weeping.

We cannot share your faith
Without your loss. 

We cannot share your joy 
Without your anguish.

We cannot share your love 
Without your cross.

 

References 

I am the light of the world (John 8:12; NLT).

At noon, darkness fell across the whole land until three o’clock (Matthew 27:45; NLT).

Peace I leave you; my peace I give you (John 14:27; NIV).

Then the soldiers nailed him to the cross (Mark 15:24; NLT).

His name will be the hope of all the world (Matthew 12:21; NLT).

He began to be sorrowful and troubled (Matthew 26:37; NLT).

I am the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6; NLT).

He endured the cross, disregarding its shame (Hebrews 12:2; NLT).

Then Jesus wept (John 11:35; NLT).

Father, into your hands I commit my spirit (Luke 23:46; NIV).

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (Mark 15:34; NLT).

Jesus was filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit (Luke 10:21; NLT).

He was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood (Luke 22:44; NLT).

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends (John 15:13; NIV).

Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me (Luke 9:23; NIV).

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Prayer, spiritual development, personal growth, faith, exploration, wholeness,

Halfway

But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him (Luke 15:20; NIV).

O my God, I am utterly ashamed (Ezra 9:6; NLT).

With you there is forgiveness (Psalm 130:4; NIV).

The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you (Deuteronomy 33:27; NLT).

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You don’t meet us halfway, Lord, 
Almighty though you are –

Instead, you run to greet us
Exactly where we are.

And then you hug and kiss us,  
Though we shrink away in shame,

But you are all forgiveness,
And we’re welcomed home again.

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agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, cycling,, Personal growth, faith, prayer, contemplation, love, oneness,, Prayer

Agoraphobia diary: day 4

Hello to you all. Day four hasn’t been too bad, as expected. I checked out a couple of charity shops and my favourite kitchen outlet, then met my family for an extended exploration of Ely Cathedral. It’s surprising how distracting it is to pay close attention to two small children in a huge public space. Between us, we managed to watch the boys whilst gazing up and around sufficiently to take in something of our surroundings.

We had lunch in the busy Cathedral Cafe, then the boys had a run around outside on the grass. I was beginning to tire, and to long for a rest, but they wanted to show me their favourite charity shop. Again, I forgot myself for a while, helping one to read aloud from a big book about weapons and armour! The inner process of deciding how much further to push myself is a very delicate one. When I’m alone, of course, I only have to stay for as long as I wish!

Eventually, we had all had enough. I exerted myself to do my own very small amount of shopping, then returned to my room, where I immediately fell asleep. Today feels a bit like the calm before the storm. I’ve got used to my room, and feel safe there now, always pleased to return to quietness and rest. However, tomorrow I have to leave this new-found security behind, and move on to Leicestershire, where I will stay with my sister, and visit my 101-year old mother in her nursing home. Meanwhile, the train journey on Thursday morning is coming a little closer each day, and preying on my mind.

Today I realised that being completely honest about my fears has made it considerably easier for me to cope with the days with my family. So this became the subject of my prayer:

Real things

Lord,

I can speak
And write
About real things!

Real feelings,
Real anxieties,
Real fears!

I can be honest!
What a relief!
I’m not ashamed!

I make sense.
I do my best –
And life is good.

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agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue, cycling,, Prayer

Agoraphobia diary: 3.30am on day 2

Hello everyone. Spoiler alert: this blog will be mentioning child emotional abuse, so if you don’t want to think about that, you might want to switch off now.

Well, managing the inevitable challenges of day one resulted in a really bad anxiety dream last night. So I’m typing this at 3.30am, whilst thinking about the day ahead. My main worry is that I will be travelling about 20 miles in the back of my son’s car, wedged between two large, fixed child seats and my two grandsons. As yet, I don’t know if the car’s automatic child locks will be engaged, but all aspects of this scenario are a torment to a severe claustrophobic like me. I can clearly remember panic attacks in enclosed situations from before I was 3 years old, so in some ways my claustrophobia is even worse and more longstanding than my agoraphobia.

It’s taken me 65 years to manage this fear relatively well on a plane, but it’s interesting that the fear in a car, a lift, or a loo is still so bad. So, thinking all this over, I’ve decided to briefly tell my son how I feel. We could perhaps then arrange that he will stop the car to let me get out and collect myself, if I ask him to. Not looking forward to it, but ready to face up to it, if that makes sense!

Lastly, I haven’t even mentioned that any lift means going away from relative safety, and having to wait until the driver is ready to return. So there is a risk I will have to deal with a panic attack without a quick escape route I can control. I still routinely turn down kind offers of a lift because of this anxiety, though always giving a socially acceptable reason. Maybe I should now start to review that policy…

 

Why should I be ashamed?

 

Lord,

Why should I be ashamed
Of my agoraphobia?

It’s a standard consequence
Of child emotional abuse.

Why should I be ashamed
Of my depression?

It’s a text-book response
To child emotional abuse.

Why should I be ashamed
Of my anxiety?

It’s a basic reaction
To child emotional abuse.

But acceptance is not
Passive resignation –

Help me to fight back, Lord,
Till my last breath.

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