He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood (Luke 22:44; NLT).
Praying; grieving;
Sweating; pleading;
Slipping; sliding;
Stumbling; falling;
Stripping; nailing;
Lifting; reeling;
Bleeding; dying;
Rising; healing.
For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).
Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV).
How my mind works
On 29.1.26. I was able to grasp how my mind works for the first time. Today’s blog describes what I learned.
Introduction
I automatically check all my thoughts, everything I am about to say, and everything I want to do, however trivial, to see whether they are within the rules of what is acceptable to whoever I am with. If I judge they are not acceptable, I suppress them immediately. My default approach is to stop myself from saying or doing whatever I want to, in case it breaches a social rule I do not know. I self-inhibit in this way hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times every day. Only very recently, since I started thinking about Autism, have I become aware of this inner process and started to understand its purpose and consequences a bit more. I realise now that it is a form of self-censorship, whose purpose is self-protection.
Unspoken rules
If, even for a moment, I forget to filter everything I want to say and do, it’s always disastrous. I spontaneously say or do something which shocks others, and has clearly broken a social rule I have not grasped. This is always very embarrassing and awkward socially, both with individuals, and within groups. It leaves me feeling stupid, ashamed, guilty and a complete failure.
Consequences
Such events trigger my automatic dread reflex instantly, and, with a sinking heart, I know that this dread will be with me day and night for months. In fact, I will never fully recover from it. Another relationship which may have offered a little hope, or at least some brief social contact, has been permanently destroyed.
This constant checking and the suppression of every impulse helps to prevent me from breaking unspoken social rules, so I can feel relatively acceptable to others. Unfortunately, as it is entirely habitual, I do it even when I am alone.
Rumination
After each such event I ruminate endlessly about what happened, feeling terrible about what I said or did. The mishap brings an end to any hope of being at all acceptable to the person concerned. It means the permanent loss of our relationship as it was before.
When this happens in a group setting, it spells the immediate end of my efforts to belong to the group in which it occurred, because I will avoid the person concerned as much as possible from that point onwards. I will dread even bumping into them in the street. If the disaster happens in a church setting, I will not be able to go to that church any more, which is a major, personal loss. Everything I had painstaking tried to build up there is over in a moment.
The aftermath
Afterwards, as soon as I can, I write to the person concerned, taking full responsibility for what happened, and apologising wholeheartedly. However, I can never face them again with any degree of confidence at all. Having seriously misjudged what was acceptable to them, nothing can ever make the relationship right again.
After apologising, I live with my rumination and dread for as many weeks as I can, feeling horribly anxious, sleeping badly, and getting more and more depressed. Eventually, there is no choice but to return to my therapist to work through all that went wrong, in the hope of somehow setting myself free from the emotional torment. This makes every social blunder very expensive, both emotionally and financially.
Today I am facing the start of my Autism assessment process.
If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36; NIV).
A reading from Luke 4:16-21; NIV.
When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD’s favor has come.” He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”
The context for this blog is that about two weeks ago I was referred by my doctor for an autism assessment. The possibility that I may be autistic has made me start thinking about how I have always related to others, and to begin looking at my life from a completely new perspective.
Today’s blog has two short, contrasting sections. The first shares how I have lived for the last 73 years. The second considers what I am currently learning through God’s help. These two pieces take the form of speaking honestly to Jesus in prayer, which is exactly how they arose.
Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress (Psalm 25:16; NLT).
Lord, you know that I have coped with life by constantly trying to work out what others wanted, so I could fit around their wishes. I didn’t know there was any other way to be a person, though I observed that not everyone behaves like this. I never understood how they managed to be so ‘different’.
My approach to relating to others generally seemed to work reasonably well. However, there were times when I accidentally said or did something to which others reacted badly, without warning. Clearly I had said or done something they considered to be inappropriate, shocking, or wrong, but I could never predict such events, so I could not avoid them.
Each crisis was followed by months of rumination, shame, and painful, immovable dread. I would go back to my therapist in desperation, asking for help. I always made contact with the person I had offended, as soon as I could face them. My approach was to take full responsibility for what happened, to apologise, and to try to put things right between us.
But my relationships were never the same again with the people involved. Any slight sense, or hope, of feeling acceptable was gone. I remained very embarrassed, awkward and wary with them, constantly anxious that they might suddenly turn on me, and reject me completely. It was therefore easier, and more comfortable, to avoid both them, and the places where I might come into contact with them. This led to many significant, permanent losses. When things went wrong with church ministers, or with a member of a congregation, it was disastrous. It meant that another precious relationship with an individual or a group had been damaged beyond repair. Once again, I felt I had failed completely.
Love your neighbour …
… as yourself (Matthew 19:19; NLT; my emphasis).
But now, at last, Lord, I’m starting to see a new way ahead! Inside me I have discovered a hidden counterweight to what others want and expect: my own opinions, wishes, needs, and emotions. I am now slowly learning to consult these cues, and to use them as a guide for how I choose to respond to others.
These inner promptings help me to express myself directly, hopefully in a considered, respectful, appropriate and loving way. People’s opinions, wishes, needs and expectations are still important to me. However, mine are important too. I can therefore express them, even though others may not agree with me. That is okay. They do not have to agree with me, or even like me at all. This realisation is a significant marker of inner change for me. It is vital for me to be myself, at last.
I didn’t know that I could do any of this before, so the only times when I was truly myself occurred when I had strong emotions I couldn’t restrain any longer. This led to occasional spontaneous outbursts of suppressed thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, such melt-downs also had the potential to cause serious ruptures in relationships, creating months of guilt, rumination, distress, anxiety, dread and depression.
In the last few days, since I started to see and understand these things, I have tentatively begun to enjoy the experience of being myself. I’m slowly learning to listen to my emotions, and to notice my personal opinions, wishes and needs, however small. These inner cues are starting to inform my conduct, rather than it being shaped almost entirely by other people’s apparent expectations. These personal promptings can act as a counterweight to the opinions, needs and desires of others. Awareness of them is enabling me to respond to people rather more spontaneously, honestly, and directly.
I am now paying much more attention to what I want to do and say, rather than automatically shaping almost all my behaviour around what others seem to want. Ahead, I glimpse a wiser and more balanced way of relating to others – a skilful, self-aware approach which takes account of everyone’s needs, including my own.
Living like this is much more enjoyable and satisfying than before. It gives me a sense of inner freedom, and helps me to feel quite a bit happier about who I seem to be. Thank you so much, Lord, for all you are doing to inspire, guide, teach, help and heal me.
Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
You have been raised to new life with Christ (Colossians 3:1; NLT).
All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them (John 14:23; NLT).
Just as I am,
My body is yours;
You made me –
And I am your home.
Just as I am,
My thinking is yours;
You know me –
I’m never alone.
Just as I am,
My emotions are yours;
You love me –
And share every fear.
Just as I am,
My spirit is yours,
For you are my God –
And you’re here!
Remember that I am always with you until the end of time (Matthew 28:20; GNT).
References
I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine (Song of Songs 6:3; NIV).
He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever (Psalm 117:2; NLT).
My Lord and my God!” Thomas exclaimed (John 20:28; NLT).
Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ (Ephesians 5:2; NLT).
Love, in gladness,
And in peace;
Love, in trouble:
Never cease;
Love, in anguish,
Sickness, pain:
Live in love –
And praise God’s name!
All who live in love live in God, and God lives in them (1 John 4:16; NLT).
Praise his holy name (Psalm 30:4; NLT).
Love your neighbor as yourself (Luke 10:27; NLT; my emphasis).
At last (aged 73), I am starting to grasp a little more that it’s okay:
In short: It’s okay to be myself.
Very slowly and cautiously, I’m beginning to feel as if I no longer need to apologise for my existence, because God made me just as I am, and loves me just as I am. So maybe I can even begin to love myself just as I am, as well!
My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life (John 10:10; NLT).
References
Speak the truth with love (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever (Psalm 117:2; NLT).
The Father himself loves you (John 16:27; NIV).
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).
Thank you for making me;
Thank you for saving me;
Thank you for knowing my heart,
Mind, and prayers.
Thank you for hearing me;
Thank you for guiding me;
Thank you for sharing my sorrows
And cares.
In all their suffering he also suffered (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).
References
I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5; NLT).
You are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long (Psalm 25:5; NIV).
You know my heart (Jeremiah 12:3; NLT).
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away (Psalm 139:2; NLT).
He hears my voice (Psalm 55:17; NIV).
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake (Psalm 23:3; NIV).
Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5; NIV).
My time here is a pilgrimage
From birth, through life, to death,
And you’re in charge at every stage,
Until my final breath.
With dread and agoraphobia
I’ve struggled through the years,
With anguish and anxiety,
Depression, sickness, tears.
I didn’t ask to be alive;
I didn’t want to live;
But, doggedly, I’ve tried to change,
To grow, to love, to give.
And you’ve been with me step by step
Along my troubled way:
Please help me still to cling to you,
Rejoice, give thanks, and pray.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18; NIV).
References
The gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult (Matthew 7:14; NLT).
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).
Obey his commands, listen to his voice, and cling to him (Deuteronomy 13:4; NLT).
I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely (Psalm 63:8; NLT).
Today’s blog speaks directly about how I am dealing with my recently-discovered face blindness. However, I hope it will also speak to other readers who are currently “coming out”, by being honest with others about previously unknown or concealed aspects of themselves and their lives. The more congruence there is between our inner and outer lives, the more healthy, happy, relaxed and vibrant we will be.
We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
You don’t have to act,
And you don’t have to fake.
You don’t have to ask,
And you don’t have to ache.
Just take a deep breath,
Then speak from your heart.
Come out with the Son,
And make a fresh start.
So, say a brief prayer,
Then speak from your soul:
Come out with the Son,
And he’ll make you whole!
His hands make whole (Job 5:18; NKJV).
Despite, or perhaps partly because of, my newly-identified face blindness, I love whoever is in front of me, whether I recognise them or not. Now that I know I am face-blind, today’s blog encapsulates what I want to explain to those whose path I cross.
Acknowledging my face blindness openly, rather than hiding my lack of recognition, or faking recognition, is completely new for me. My hope is that this will make my life a lot less stressful than before.
Meanwhile, I take comfort from the fact that even Mary and the other disciples did not immediately recognise Jesus after his resurrection. God had a plan and a purpose for them, and also has a plan and a purpose for me, though I have no idea what it is. My face blindness is therefore not an accident, and God will bring good out of it for others, and perhaps even for me. As St. Paul writes: “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28; NLT).
So here is today’s blog…
God kept them from recognizing him (Luke 24:16; NLT).
Although I cannot recognise
Your face, please know: I care.
No matter who you are, I’d like
To listen, help, or share.
Although I can’t recall your name
I’m ready: fully here –
So I’ll be honest, as I face,
And overcome, my fear.
Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
References
She turned around and saw Jesus standing there; but she did not recognize that it was Jesus (John 20:14; BSB).
Then the two told what had happened on the road, and how they had recognized Jesus in the breaking of the bread (Luke 24:35; BSB).
Christ is all, and is in all (Colossians 3:11; NIV).
The King will reply, “Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40; NIV).
Love your neighbor as yourself (Leviticus 19:18; NKJV).
Love the stranger (Deuteronomy 10:19; NKJV).
Show love to foreigners (Deuteronomy 10:19; NLT).
Love your enemies (Matthew 5:44; NLT).