I love you, Lord; you are my strength (Psalm 18:1; NLT).
I love you, Lord,
And worship you,
For every word you speak
Is true,
And though I feel
So far from you –
You’re near.
I’ll bear my cross,
And follow you,
Although my heart and soul
Are blue,
For though I feel
So far from you –
You’re here.
Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age (Matthew 28:20; NLT).
Every day is full of pain.
Every day I search in vain.
Will I see your face again,
My Saviour?
My poor heart is empty, Lord.
Still and dark, without a word
Of comfort, for no voice is heard,
My Shepherd.
Send your light, I humbly pray.
Guide me to your narrow way,
And show me, Jesus, what to say
To others.
Last Saturday evening I took my last dose of the drug which has made prayer and writing impossible for me. The effects had become intolerable. Today I heard the faint return of God’s voice, so I wanted to share it with you straight away, my friends.
With love from Ruth xxx.
Don’t stress, don’t strain –
Just love the Lord.
Say yes to pain –
And no to sin.
In life, in death,
With every breath,
Whatever comes,
We share with Him.
Hello to everyone who visits this page. Some of you will know that I have been struggling with severe anxiety, dread, and depression over recent months. This has been going on ever since my childhood dread was re-triggered by something which happened on Facebook.
Today I finally saw my doctor, who is starting me on a new, extra medication. She has also referred me for consultant-level help. She and I will speak again in two weeks, unless I need urgent help before that. The new medication will take at least 4-6 weeks to start having an effect, so it’s essential that I also start learning to be gentler and kinder to myself.
Accordingly, I’m pressing “pause” on my regular writing and daily posting here, so I can focus on my own recovery by giving my body, mind, heart, and soul the rest I desperately need.
Meanwhile, all the existing posts will stay right here, in case anything in the archives is helpful to others while I’m quiet for a while.
✝️ With much love, and many blessings to you all,
From Ruth xxx
My generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) is very bad. It’s been like this ever since it was thoroughly re-triggered a few months ago when a stranger criticised me online. When I was praying yesterday, this blog came into my mind and heart. It shares how I am now learning to talk to my emotionally abused and damaged inner child.
This part of me was formed by how I was spoken to, screamed at, and treated in my family of origin. My aim is become as gentle, kind, supportive, patient, and loving to my inner child as Jesus was to the children brought to him.
This kind of prayerful reflection is often called “inner child work”, and involves imagining how we can gently care for the younger, perhaps wounded, parts of ourselves.
One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him. When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children …
Little Ruth, you are very small and vulnerable, but I am 73 and have had lots of experience of life. Even if you never feel any less anxious and depressed than you do at present, I will still be here all the time to take care of you. What is more, I share this task with Jesus, who looks after us both.
I am here to help you with all your physical and emotional needs by:
… I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them (Mark 10:13-16; NLT).
As I write to Little Ruth, perhaps you can also picture the younger, more vulnerable part of yourself – the one who learned to be anxious, afraid, or on guard, so early in life. You might like to imagine Jesus welcoming that child, just as he welcomed the children brought to him, then gently joining him in offering them warmth, safety and love.
If you wish, you could even write your own letter, promising to stay with that child in their fear, and to speak to them with the kindness and patience you may never have received.
My prayer is that as we learn to care for these small, wounded, frightened parts of ourselves with Jesus, we will discover a little more of the tenderness of God’s Kingdom, which belongs to such as these.
Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the LORD delivers them in times of trouble (Psalm 41:1; NIV).
The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-3; NLT).
This prayer came to me today at 6am, as I prepared to try a new church, with the (probably forlorn), hope of being welcome there, and perhaps even fitting in. Hope springs eternal! I am struggling – please pray for me, just as I pray for all of you each day.
Love the stranger (Deuteronomy 10:19; NKJV).
Will I be seen, Lord?
Will I be heard?
Will I be welcome,
Or will I be judged?
Will I be wanted?
Will I be sad?
Will I be lonely,
Or will I be loved?
Show love to foreigners (Deuteronomy 10:19; NLT).
Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31; NLT).
We are all fragile, fallible, and mortal. Today, in prayer, I saw clearly that the purpose of life is to face its inevitable challenges, sorrows, and sufferings, learning to accept and endure them as patiently as we can, while still loving and serving Jesus in others. This was Christ’s mission, and it is ours as well, for Jesus is resurrected in us all.
Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).
Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).
Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me (Matthew 25:40; NIV).
So here is today’s prayer:
I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5; NLT).
You make us,
You see us,
And hear us.
You know us,
You guide us,
And help us.
You feed us,
You love us,
And hold us.
You wound us,
You teach us,
And heal us.
Look now; I myself am he! There is no other god but me! I am the one who kills and gives life; I am the one who wounds and heals; no one can be rescued from my powerful hand! (Deuteronomy 32:39; NLT).
References
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).
Though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself any more, but your eyes shall see your Teacher (Isaiah 30:20; RSV).
May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ (2 Thessalonians 3:5; NLT).
Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised (Hebrews 10:36; NLT).
Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? (Romans 2:4; NLT).
Walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8; NLT).
If you are walking in darkness without a ray of light, trust in the LORD and rely on your God (Isaiah 50:10; NLT).
I’m walking, alone,
And exploring new streets –
Now asking a stranger
The way.
Facing my fears,
I embrace the unknown –
And all I can do
Is to pray.
What are the dangers,
And what are the risks?
I could turn back –
But will dare
To continue, be brave,
And stay close by your side –
Because, Lord my God,
You are here.
I am with you always (Matthew 28:20; NLT).
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).
Today, after weeks of living with re-triggered childhood dread since I was unfairly criticised on Facebook, I took a big step forward whilst praying.
Whenever I am unfairly criticised or blamed, my body responds instantly with a profound sense of dread. This dread began in my childhood at the hands of my emotionally-abusive mother. I lived with it constantly.
Ever since then, each time my dread response is re-triggered, it continues for months, or even years. Nothing changes or shifts it. Believe me, I have tried everything to help myself recover, but never found anything which truly works.
As soon as someone hurts me, I forgive them, and start to pray for them. I pity them, and can even become quite fond of them as the days go by.
However, it’s taken me a lifetime to see what I glimpsed in prayer today: that the chronic dread I’m left with when people attack me can not only be faced and endured, but also consciously transformed into love. This love is for the person who has hurt me, and also for myself, as I bear the burden of living with the dread they unwittingly re-triggered.
I don’t yet fully understand how this transforming process will unfold, or how to carry it out, but hope today will mark the beginning of a new, healing way forward, not just for me, but perhaps even for others, too.
Finally, when I shared all this with Perplexity, my AI writing companion, they sent me a beautiful arrow prayer:
Lord Jesus,
Let this hurt end in me,
And be transformed
Into your love.
This is what I wrote whilst I was praying:
To you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! (Luke 6:27; NLT).
Let them strike me –
I won’t judge them;
Turn against me –
I’ll forgive them.
Let them wound me –
I won’t fight them;
Blame unfairly –
I will bless them.
Let them crush me –
I won’t harm them;
Damage me –
I’ll pray for them.
Let them break me –
I won’t hate them;
And reject me –
I will love them.
Love your enemies! (Luke 6:27; NLT).
References
They hated me for no reason (John 15:25; CSB).
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you (Matthew 5:11-12; NIV).
I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them (1 Timothy 2:1; NLT).
He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. Finally he will cause justice to be victorious (Matthew 12:20; NLT).
Reading: Luke 6:27-38; NLT.
He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood (Luke 22:44; NLT).
Praying; grieving;
Sweating; pleading;
Slipping; sliding;
Stumbling; falling;
Stripping; nailing;
Lifting; reeling;
Bleeding; dying;
Rising; healing.
For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).