I was stressed, anxious, exhausted and alone. It was getting dark, and I was running out of energy in a big city, where I couldn’t find my hotel. The friend I had been with earlier had left me.
Then I stumbled across an Orthodox service taking place in a large, crypt-like cave which was half underground. I glimpsed many priests inside, standing in rows, wearing beautiful robes.
There were a few casual onlookers outside the crypt. Close by was a long, high wall with a large, stone bas-relief of an icon.I walked past the icon, not immediately realising what it was, but as soon as it registered in my mind, I stepped back a pace or two, and stood in front of it. There, I made the sign of the cross in the Orthodox manner, just as I do when awake.
Then I woke very suddenly, experiencing a moment of pure joy, because I had been a Christian in my dream, just as I have so often asked in prayer (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dov). Next, I quickly noted down everything that had happened, before it began to fade.
When this was done, I started to pray, giving all the experiences and emotions of my dream to God. However, in a flash, I realised that I wasn’t just giving them to God, who already knew all about them, and had sent them. Rather, I was sharing them with God.
Then I grasped that my dream had given me an opportunity to share through first-hand experience just a little of what Jesus experienced and felt at different times during his life on earth. This left me stunned, and, as so often, wondering what might come next.
Introduction The day before yesterday, as soon as I woke, I wrote down the emotions crowding that night’s dream. For the first time in years, this included some positive feelings alongside the usual negatives, although this blog will mainly focus on the negatives:
Positives: Briefly feeling wanted, joyful, loving, connected with a person, connected with an animal.
A learning opportunity Dreams are a learning opportunity. Writing down the emotions they generate enables me to connect with aspects of myself it would be much more comfortable to ignore, deny, or suppress.
As I began to pray, I saw that the emotions experienced during my dream were showing me how I feel about myself. Then I understood that throughout my life a lot of my waking behaviour and sense of self have been driven by the negative emotions listed above.
The origins of my fear and insecurity
The feelings I typically experience during dreams have their origins in my relationship with my mother. As a child, I had no way of understanding them or putting them into words. I instinctively concealed them, because expressing them in any way risked incurring my mother’s criticism, anger and punishment. It was made crystal clear that I was a burden, so, unsurprisingly, I grew up feeling deeply unacceptable to others.
However, I couldn’t hide the effect this had on me. My distress was revealed by behaviours I couldn’t control, including tears, anxiety, fears, lack of confidence, recurrent nightmares, headaches, stress, perfectionism, bed-wetting and sleepwalking.
As I got older, the origin of my fears was buried far beyond conscious awareness. However, my damaged sense of self continued to fester in my unconscious mind, surfacing as panic attacks which seemed to come out of the blue. Anxiety, agoraphobia, claustrophobia and depression went on to dominate my life for many years, until I eventually started to get effective help.
My emotional framework I see now that all my dreams essentially reveal how I have come to feel about myself as a result of how I was treated as a child. My negative experiences formed the foundation of my adult self-image.
However, alongside this realisation I’m beginning to glimpse that perhaps my feelings about myself don’t actually belong to me at all; they may simply be how I was made to feel when I was young. Hopefully, more will be revealed in the coming days.
Positive emotions Meanwhile, I haven’t forgotten those rare, positive emotions experienced during my dream. These have given me hope that if my unconscious mind, and therefore my dreams, can change, perhaps my conscious sense of who and what I am can change as well.
So, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:
Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).
Thank you, Lord God,
With all my heart,
For the secret riches
You give me
From the darkness
Of my unconscious mind.
Through Jesus’ name.
Amen.
I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).
What a difference our attitude makes to how we respond to all God sends. As Saint Paul says: “You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (Philippians 2:5; NLT).
Last night I dreamed I was very ill. It was clear that I was dying, and that this was beyond my control, and beyond any possibility of medical intervention.
In my dream, I was aware that my attitude to death would make a huge difference to how I experienced it. I could accept what was happening, facing it willingly and putting my trust in God. Alternatively, I could resent it, get angry, and feel bitter, or afraid, even blaming God. However, no matter how I approached it, death was still inevitable.
It was a very vivid dream, and I laid awake for a long time afterwards. Eventually I gave up hoping to go back to sleep, so I sat up in bed with a hot drink, and began to pray. To my surprise, as soon as I had said the Lord’s Prayer, today’s blog began to arrive:
In his anguish he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground (Luke 22:44; NET).
I’m hot. I’m cold.
I’m restless. I can’t sleep.
Into my mind, Lord,
Doubts and questions creep:
Can I face all that’s coming
Without fear?
Yahweh, I know I can’t,
But you are here
To help me bear
Whatever you may send:
My Lord, my God,
My Comforter, and Friend.
Now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God (Romans 5:11; NLT).
References
I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things (Isaiah 45:7; NLT).
TheLORDgives, andtheLORDtakes away. Blessed be the name of theLORD (Job 1:21; CSB).
The LORD gives both death and life (I Samuel 2:6; NLT).
He …became anguished and distressed (Matthew 26:37; NET).
Look – the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners (Matthew 26:45; NLT).
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; KJV).
I want your will to be done, not mine (Mark 14:36; NLT).
He shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever (John 14:16; KJV).
The moment I began to pray before my icon of Mary yesterday morning, I saw the overall theme of the dream from which I had just woken. It was truly astonishing, because during this dream, I had liked my mother.
This may not sound very significant, but it was a first for me. During the dream, I wasn’t afraid of her. I was able to compliment her on her appearance, and give her some direct feedback. It was extraordinary to feel comfortable about being around her.
None of these things ever happened during her lifetime because I was afraid of her. I hated being with her, and loathed her touch and the sound of her voice. I took care to avoid her as far as possible.
Over the years I have had many nightmares about my mother – horrible dreams in which I’ve tried to stand up to her and woken up shouting. However, in last night’s dream I actually enjoyed her company.
In real life, I never loved or trusted my mother, but this dream gave me my first ever glimpse of what a much healthier mother/daughter relationship might feel like.So, I’m going to hold on to the mother I spent time with in my dream: a smart, trim, approachable woman in a fitted, green, woollen suit, wearing red lipstick; a woman who willingly contributed to a community event in an official capacity; chatty, relaxed, and able to accept honest feedback.
As I reflected on my dream, it felt strangely healing, as if a lifetime of emotional suffering and mental illness could somehow be redeemed by a single, brief, positive experience.
I thanked God for giving me this dream about what my mother could have become if her own life had been different, for having dreamed about having a good relationship with her, and especially for the brief, precious experience of liking her.
Recently, I’ve been exploring my dreams in a new way – an approach which shows me the unresolved emotional issues hidden away in my unconscious mind.
Following what I learned a few days ago (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dph), the next night I began noting down the overall theme, or essence, of each dream. I did this every time I woke, whilst my memories were still fresh.
By the time I was fully awake next morning, I had a list of all the emotions which had surfaced from my unconscious mind into my dreams that night. For the first time ever, I could consciously connect with them, pray about them, and work with them.
It’s very early days, but the major themes and emotional states I’ve identified so far are: insecurity, anger, losing my temper, lack of confidence, failure and illness.
Having embarked on this inner journey, I have faith that I’ll keep on learning, although it’s impossible to predict what will be revealed next, which is very exciting.
I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).
The Rosary Hospital
Having completed the “pretty” rosary I started yesterday, here is a photo of it. I’m hoping to deliver it tomorrow, or on Saturday:
As I woke from a particularly disturbing dream yesterday, God gently reminded me that my dreams often relate to unresolved issues in my life (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dov). Then this insight was taken further, by showing me that dreams offer the possibility of a very special kind of healing: the healing of the unconscious mind. This truth was established long ago by far greater thinkers than me, such as Freud, but yesterday it struck me in an intensely personal way.
The purpose of my dreams
Dreams make me face and re-experience unresolved issues hidden from awareness in my unconscious mind. Remembering them when I wake enables me to become conscious of what was previously inaccessible. This process re-establishes a connection with everything I have forgotten, suppressed, or repressed during my lifetime.
Because of my dreams, I can now begin to pray about the contents and conflicts in my unconscious mind, and to ask for healing. It seems extraordinary that I knew nothing about this until it was shown to me yesterday. By paying attention to my dreams, identifying their major themes, and bringing them to God in prayer, I now have an opportunity for all the damage, anger, fear and guilt hidden in my unconscious mind to be healed.
Recurring dreams
If dreams represent life-events which need healing, it’s easy to see that recurring dreams reveal an insistent need to face repressed issues consciously, to pray about them, and to ask for God’s assistance.
It is therefore perhaps unhelpful to ask for a series of dreams to stop, however unpleasant they are. Rather, I need to ask God to help me face and accept the problematic themes they reveal. Then the related traumatic memories hidden in my unconscious mind can at last begin to emerge for healing.
Getting help
Once I face what is revealed in my dreams, I can pray about it, and, if necessary, ask for help. Ways forward might include discussing the matter with someone I trust, talking to the person concerned (if they are alive), going to confession, or working with a therapist.
My expectation is that when my disturbing unconscious issues have been resolved, the bad and recurring dreams associated with them will cease.
Reflection on what I experienced
Yesterday, as I perceived everything described above, I was in God’s hands, full of awe, though not afraid. For the first time ever I was able to see into my unconscious mind for a short while. It looked like a living, roiling mass of dark grey clouds. Previously, I have only seen its smooth, oily, reflective outer surface – the interface between my conscious and unconscious minds.
My way forward
My dreams bring what is unconscious into consciousness, so I can access, act on, and resolve buried issues during my waking hours. In the light of this, from now on I plan to handle my dreams in a new way:
As soon as I wake, whilst that night’s dreams are still fresh in my mind, I will try to identify and name their themes as honestly and briefly as I can, noting them down.
Then I will thank God for my dreams (including bad dreams and nightmares), and ask God to to help me face, pray about, explore and tackle the memories, experiences, traumas, sins, conflicts or unresolved issues they have revealed.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I thank God for showing me that my dreams can bring the contents of my unconscious mind back into consciousness, so that when I awake, I can deal with the issues they raise. This feels like a very profound opportunity indeed for healing.
Last prayer before sleeping
Lord God,
Thank you for revealing the contents of my unconscious mind through dreams.
Please show me whatever I need to see each night, so I can consciously reconnect with it.
When I wake, please help me to identify and name the theme of each dream, and to thank you for all it reveals.
Please help me to take whatever action is necessary to engage with your healing process.
I am awed that you can do all this, and that you are so determined to heal not just my conscious mind, but my unconscious mind as well.
I ask this through your dear Son’s name. Amen.
References
I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).
O LORD, if you heal me, I will be truly healed (Jeremiah 17:14; NLT).
Stop press
I was able to start putting my plan into action this morning, and to note the major theme of last night’s dream, which was insecurity.
Every night, just before I settle down to sleep, I ask God to help me be a Christian in my dreams, to know Christ’s constant presence there, and even to see his face. I started doing this because for the last six months or so nearly all of my dreams have been vivid, disturbing, distressing and sometimes frightening.
Looking back
I began writing about this issue on the 27th of October 2022. If you would like to look back through this thread, here are the links to some relevant blogs:
Yesterday, at last, I started to understand the purpose of these dreams:
Through them I repeatedly face situations, relationships, dilemmas, difficulties and turning-points which are similar in essence to those I have actually experienced during my life. So, as I work through these challenges again and again in my dreams, I have many opportunities to practice dealing with them more effectively.
In the past
In the past, when alarming things happened to me in real life, I simply reacted instinctively, like a cornered animal, unable to think about, or to control, my response.
Depending on the particular circumstances, my behavioural repertoire included getting upset, losing my temper, panicking, running away, anxious avoidance, being filled with dread, and saying nothing to the person concerned.
Sadly, none of these makes for a happy, healthy emotional life. Indeed, they create further issues by exacerbating and perpetuating existing problems. I can say this with complete confidence because I’ve spent my life wrestling with such issues, and struggling to overcome them.
New learning
However, to my delight, I’m now beginning to gain some significant insight into my bad dreams:
Firstly, they help me to connect my psychological issues with the serious damage done to my conscious and unconscious mental development by my mother’s emotional abuse.
Secondly, now aged 70, I observe that at last I’m beginning to react differently to challenging events in my dreams. This suggests that the assertiveness skills and emotional stability I have consciously worked so hard to acquire and develop as an adult are now slowly being integrated into my unconscious mind as well. I attribute this change to the prayer I say each night before sleeping, and thank God for this very significant form of gradual healing – the healing of my bad dreams.
One major theme
One theme that really stands out for me is the difference it makes when I speak out openly, directly and honestly in my dreams, rather than feeling helpless, powerless, silenced, weak and afraid.
It’s easy to see that the pattern of fear, silence and avoidance, unconsciously developed for the sake of self-preservation during my childhood, has been the underlying cause of my long history of anxiety, depression, panic attacks and phobias, especially the agoraphobia and claustrophobia which have characterised and dominated my life.
Understanding this makes me realise, yet again, that God really does bring good from everything, even, in my case, the mental suffering and ingrained defence mechanisms which result from having a narcissistic, controlling and emotionally abusive mother.
Conclusion
My guess is that as I become able to deal more skilfully with the difficult situations arising in my dreams, the bad ones will gradually cease. However, even if they continue, their fear factor will be greatly reduced by my responses to them being very different. So yesterday I added a new line to my final prayer of the day:
Lord,
Please let me know your presence in my dreams. Whatever I experience in my sleep, may I face it with you, and deal with it as a Christian, speaking the truth in love directly, openly, confidently, and honestly.
I ask this through your own dear name. Amen.
STOP PRESS: Last night I had a potentially very distressing dream about being lost in London, exhausted and unable to walk. This is a standard agoraphobic/chronic illness nightmare for me. To my amazement, on waking, I remembered how I was able to ask for help from a stranger, and that although I was fully aware of my situation, I wasn’t afraid. Isn’t that truly amazing?
References
God gave Daniel the special ability to interpret the meanings of visions and dreams (Daniel 1:17; NLT).
God can tell you what it means and set you at ease (Genesis 41:16; NLT).
Keep on seeking, and you will find (Luke 11:9; NLT).
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NKJV).
We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28; NLT).
Fun with fermenting
Yesterday I looked carefully at my raisin starter, and found tall, thin filaments of mould growing on it, so, sadly, it had to go into the bin. However, I’m still confidently making my usual yoghurt and buttermilk, so I haven’t given up fermenting altogether.
Context: Although I don’t feel anxious about my deteriorating health in the daytime, I have bad dreams about it almost every night. A few days ago I woke feeling particularly upset and disturbed by what I had experienced in my dream, and especially by how I’d felt, both physically and mentally.
My training and experience suggest that these dreams are telling me what’s going on in my unconscious mind, and that it might be helpful to talk them over. As I prayed about this, today’s verses came to mind. They arrived so quickly that it was all I could do to scribble them down. Later I was able to spend time reflecting on them, and editing them.
I’m getting old, and sick, Lord,
Let’s face facts –
I’m never going to do again
Some of the things I love.
I’m never going to do
What I’ve not done.
I’m running out of health,
And out of time.
I’m fine with this
When I’m awake,
But dream about it
Almost every night.
And that’s when I experience My grief,
My weakness, tiredness,
Helplessness and fear;
Depression; getting lost;
Dementia; tears.
Day after day I wake up In distress.
Today, I recognised
That maybe I need help: Lord God, I want to talk
About my dreams.
God gave Daniel the special ability to interpret the meanings of visions and dreams (Daniel 1:17; NLT).
God can tell you what it means and set you at ease (Genesis 41:16; NLT).
The Rosary Hospital
Word is slowly getting round about The Rosary Hospital, and I’ve fulfilled another two commissions. Meanwhile, yesterday I finished making a simple five-decade rosary for fun, finding it helpful to experiment freely without having any particular recipient in mind.
Context: I wrote this prayer last weekend, with a migraine that still hasn’t responded to any of my usual medications. All I can do is to be very quiet, whilst waiting patiently for it to improve in God’s good time.
Keep on seeking, and you will find (Luke 11:9; NLT).
Jesus, May I seek you
In my dreams;
Find you, Lord, and meet you
In my dreams;
Walk and talk beside you
In my dreams,
Facing all with you, Lord,
In my dreams.
Jesus, May I see you
In my dreams;
Recognise and know you
In my dreams;
Bear my cross, and follow
In my dreams,
And never fear tomorrow,
In my dreams.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NKJV).
Context: In dreams, I very rarely say or do anything overtly Christian, which seems both surprising and sad.
Yesterday morning I woke from a complicated, stressful dream, longing to pray. However, even before I could begin, this blog started to arrive. I tried hard to ignore it, which was impossible. It quickly became so loud and insistent that I had to give in, and write it down, like this:
I want to be a Christian In my dreams,
To turn to you, and pray, Lord,
In my dreams;
To ask for your forgiveness
In my dreams,
Love others, Lord, and serve you – In my dreams.
I want to be a Christian In my dreams,
So I can praise and thank you
In my dreams;
To revel in your presence
In my dreams,
And welcome all that happens – In my dreams.
I want to be a Christian
In my dreams,
Then I will see your face, Lord,
In my dreams.
I’ll worship without ceasing
In my dreams,
And live in heaven on earth, Lord – In my dreams.
Rosary news:
Well, since my most recent failure I’ve thought hard about rosary-making, watched some more YouTube videos, talked with my friend in the UK, and had a Zoom consultation with a lovely consecrated Sister who knows her rosaries. Then I threw the (metaphorical) rule-book into the (metaphorical) bin, and put together my own way of doing it, with the following result:
It seems very strong, and I’m tempted to ask my husband to test its joints, but don’t yet feel quite tough enough to deal with the disappointment if it immediately comes apart like the last one. Maybe I’ll ask him tomorrow….
NB: In the end, I plucked up my courage, he tested it, and it’s still in one piece so far!
