Category: Anger

PTSD

Ruth Kirk

PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Mine started in childhood, and has so far been lifelong, chronic and complex. Here is a small, possible coping strategy for dealing with unbidden memories. I saw it in prayer this morning.

The LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul (Genesis 2:7; KJV). 

Whenever I think of my mother
I breathe in the pain.
Holding my breath, I say, “Stop!”
Then I breathe out again.

Whenever I think of her judgements
I breathe in the pain.
Holding my breath, I say, “No!”
Then I breathe out again.

Whenever I think of her fury
I breathe in the pain.
Barring her voice from my mind,
I forgive her again.

So, I don’t take my thoughts any further,
But breathe through the pain,
And wait for the moment to pass,
Then start living again.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10; NIV). 

References

For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).

Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31; NLT).

 

Don’t try!

Ruth Kirk

Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NIV).

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just offer your thinking
To Christ.

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just pour out your troubles
To him.

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just face all your anguish
With Christ.

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just share all your burdens
With him.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).

Blessed be the LORD! Day after day he bears our burdens (Psalm 68:19; CSB).

References

I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you (Hosea 14:8; NLT).

Surely he took up our pain, and bore our suffering (Isaiah 53:4; NIV).

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

Change

Ruth Kirk

This evening I watched a video in which a man who was being subjected to online hate for rescuing abandoned animals spoke of “turning his pain into love”. Sadly, I don’t know his name, but his story instantly inspired the following words…

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2; NIV).

Love your enemies (Luke 6:35; ESV).

Let’s turn our pain
Into love,
And let’s turn our rage
Into calm.

Let’s turn our dread
Into peace,
And let’s turn our hurt
Into balm.

Let’s turn our fear
Into strength,
And let’s turn our grief
Into care.

Let’s turn our past
Into hope,
And let’s turn our lives
Into prayer.

Never stop praying (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NLT).

Pray for those who abuse you (Luke 6:28; ESV).

I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity. This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth (1 Timothy 2:2-4; NLT).

Consequences

Ruth Kirk

We can’t get peace by shouting.
We can’t get love with threats.

We can’t get what we want
With violence,
Or with bombs…

Because when we bully, abuse,
And threaten others,
Attack them, destroy their lives, their families,
And their homes,

We create chaos, fear, and trauma;
Heartbreak; hatred; bitterness –
And the unquenchable thirst
For revenge.

All these can be crushed –
For a while.
Locked down, and suppressed –
For a while…

But people’s loss and grief,
Their bitter resentment,
And their slow-burning
Absolute determination
To take revenge
Will never end.

These things are passed on
From generation to generation –
Until, at last,
All their hunger for retribution
And vengeance is unleashed.

Then the abomination
Of our desolation
Is laid bare.

The way of love

Ruth Kirk

They hated me without cause (John 15:25; NLT).

When people criticise and blame,
Hate my writing, scorn my aim,
Love remains my only goal:
Lord, they cannot harm my soul.

When people tear my work apart,
Blast my motives, pierce my heart,
Love remains my only way:
Lord, I plead for them each day.

I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! (Matthew 5:44; NLT).

References

Follow the way of love (1 Corinthians 14:1; NIV).

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (Ephesians 5:1-2; NIV).

I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me (Psalm 16:8; NLT).

Take captive every thought

Ruth Kirk

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV).

How my mind works
On 29.1.26. I was able to grasp how my mind works for the first time. Today’s blog describes what I learned.

Introduction
I automatically check all my thoughts, everything I am about to say, and everything I want to do, however trivial, to see whether they are within the rules of what is acceptable to whoever I am with. If I judge they are not acceptable, I suppress them immediately. My default approach is to stop myself from saying or doing whatever I want to, in case it breaches a social rule I do not know. I self-inhibit in this way hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times every day. Only very recently, since I started thinking about Autism, have I become aware of this inner process and started to understand its purpose and consequences a bit more. I realise now that it is a form of self-censorship, whose purpose is self-protection.

Unspoken rules
If, even for a moment, I forget to filter everything I want to say and do, it’s always disastrous. I spontaneously say or do something which shocks others, and has clearly broken a social rule I have not grasped. This is always very embarrassing and awkward socially, both with individuals, and within groups. It leaves me feeling stupid, ashamed, guilty and a complete failure.

Consequences
Such events trigger my automatic dread reflex instantly, and, with a sinking heart, I know that this dread will be with me day and night for months. In fact, I will never fully recover from it. Another relationship which may have offered a little hope, or at least some brief social contact, has been permanently destroyed.

This constant checking and the suppression of every impulse helps to prevent me from breaking unspoken social rules, so I can feel relatively acceptable to others. Unfortunately, as it is entirely habitual, I do it even when I am alone.

Rumination
After each such event I ruminate endlessly about what happened, feeling terrible about what I said or did. The mishap brings an end to any hope of being at all acceptable to the person concerned. It means the permanent loss of our relationship as it was before.

When this happens in a group setting, it spells the immediate end of my efforts to belong to the group in which it occurred, because I will avoid the person concerned as much as possible from that point onwards. I will dread even bumping into them in the street. If the disaster happens in a church setting, I will not be able to go to that church any more, which is a major, personal loss. Everything I had painstaking tried to build up there is over in a moment.

The aftermath
Afterwards, as soon as I can, I write to the person concerned, taking full responsibility for what happened, and apologising wholeheartedly. However, I can never face them again with any degree of confidence at all. Having seriously misjudged what was acceptable to them, nothing can ever make the relationship right again.

After apologising, I live with my rumination and dread for as many weeks as I can, feeling horribly anxious, sleeping badly, and getting more and more depressed. Eventually, there is no choice but to return to my therapist to work through all that went wrong, in the hope of somehow setting myself free from the emotional torment. This makes every social blunder very expensive, both emotionally and financially.

Today I am facing the start of my Autism assessment process.

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36; NIV).

A reading from Luke 4:16-21; NIV.
When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD’s favor has come.” He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”

Christ’s way

Ruth Kirk

If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it (Luke 9:23-4; NLT).

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

Love, despite hatred;
Joy, despite pain;
Peace, despite trouble:
Christ is our way.

Patience, in anger;
Kindness, in hurt;
Goodness, in everything:
Christ is our truth.

Faithfulness, always;
Gentleness, too;
Self-control, constantly:
Christ is our life.

Even in darkness;
Even in grief;
Even in suffering:
Christ is our light.

Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life” (John 8:12; NLT).

References

Love is the fulfilment of the law (Romans 13:10; NLT).

The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-3; NLT).

Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him (Philippians 3:8-9; NLT).

Have you sold your soul?

Ruth Kirk

What do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul? For the Son of Man will come with his angels in the glory of his Father and will judge all people according to their deeds (Matthew 16:26; NLT ).

Have you sold your soul for money,
Cars, or clothes, or food, or drink?
Have you sold your soul for envy,
Lies, unfaithfulness, or hate?
Have you sold your soul for gambling,
Crime, or drugs, or vice, or porn?
If so, turn to God; repent;
Then, through his Son, you’ll be re-born.

Have you sold your soul for power,
Anger, threats, abuse, or force?
Have you sold your soul for status,
Followers, or “likes”, or fame?
Have you sold your soul for sex?
Is selfishness your only goal?
If so, turn to God, who will
Forgive you, and restore your soul.

He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3; NKJV).

References

Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God” (John 3:3; NLT).

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires (Galatians 5:19-24; NLT).

Jesus began to preach, “Repent of your sins and turn to God, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near“ (Matthew 4:17; NLT).

When you heal me

Ruth Kirk

O LORD, if you heal me, I will be truly healed (Jeremiah 17:14; NLT).

Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine (Mark 14:36; NLT).

Lord,
When you heal my anguish,
All that’s left will be peace,
And, when you heal my tension,
All that’s left will be calm.

Lord,
When you heal my sorrow,
All that’s left will be joy,
And, when you heal my anger,
All that’s left will be balm.

Lord,
When you heal my shyness,
All that’s left will be poise,
And, when you heal my envy,
All that’s left will be good.

Lord,
When you heal my trauma,
All that’s left will be bliss,
And, when you heal my sickness,
All that endures will be love.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:7; NLT).

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away (Revelation 21:4; NIV).

A realisation (with many thanks to T.)

Ruth Kirk

We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

I am a very open person, but I realise that not everyone is the same.

It’s fine for others to be as they are, and it’s also fine for me to be as I am.

Inevitably, we each have our own, different boundaries as a result of how we have reacted to our individual backgrounds, upbringing and experiences.

During my interactions with others, I sometimes accidentally shock someone by being more open than they can comfortably handle.

Childhood taught me that when I say anything another person disapproves of, they will be angry, and reject me. This possibility still makes me very anxious, as I have always felt basically unlikeable, and have always seen being rejected as the end of the world.

As soon as I have said something which has unintentionally shocked someone, I start to obsess about it, and this constant rumination feeds my anxiety, making it grow.

The only way forward is to apologise for having intruded on the other person’s boundaries. However, I am also afraid of speaking out, for fear of making the situation worse. I know that not everyone will accept my apology, so the relationship, however short or long, may already be over.

Now, I am asking myself for the first time if it really is the end of the world for someone to dislike and reject me because of what I’ve unintentionally said. Perhaps this doesn’t need to be quite such a disaster for me. After all, not everyone can like me as I am. Maybe my openness makes them very uncomfortable.

What if saying the wrong thing is just something unfortunate which is bound to happen from time to time, when I unwittingly cross other people’s boundaries as to what they find acceptable? Perhaps this is just a normal part of being human, and of learning by experience?

In the light of all these churning, unresolved thoughts and anxious feelings, here is today’s prayer:

Lord, please help me to remember that none of us is perfect. We are all only human, spontaneous, and therefore fallible. Please help me to accept that I am bound to make mistakes from time to time, and to apologise for them more quickly and confidently. Please heal my endless anxiety. I ask this through your own dear name. Amen.

Everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard (Romans 3:23; NLT).

Reference

Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s (Psalm 103:2-5; NLT).