Category: Anger

Burnt out

Ruth Kirk

You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life (Deuteronomy 28:66; NIV).

I’m burnt out by anxiety,
My strength consumed by dread,
For stress has been my closest friend,
And fear my daily bread.

I’m damaged by abuse, Lord,
Though I’ve fought hard to repair
The consequence: no self-esteem,
Depression, and despair.

Despite my agoraphobia
I’ve done the best I could.
This life has been a challenge,
Though I’ve tried to do some good.

In spite of sickness, pain, and loss,
I’ve tackled each ordeal –
Now I’m worn down by suffering,
But you will come to heal.

Darkness is my closest friend (Psalm 88:18; NLT).

He will heal us (Hosea 6:1; NLT).

Negative emotions

Ruth Kirk

Yesterday, while I was having a reflexology treatment for ongoing, severe, free-floating anxiety, a series of insights flooded my mind. By the end of the session, my hair was standing on end, and I experienced an ecstasy of a kind I have never felt before. It was clear that my self-understanding and potential for self-help had taken a very significant step forwards.

This is the essence of what I scribbled down as the waves of insight arrived:

Dear Baby Ruth,

I am here all the time to help you face, experience, express, listen to, understand, and learn from your negative emotions. You will never have to handle them alone again.

Negative emotions are the mind’s version of physical pain and discomfort. They are signals which show us what needs attention, so we can get back to a comfortable balance-point. Babies cannot manage this task alone.

When you were little, you had to face your emotional signals without a safe grown‑up beside you. Our mother could not cope with your anxiety, fear, disappointment, distress, dread, and panic.

To her, your feelings were an inconvenient, annoying, time-wasting problem to be impatiently judged, scorned, and dismissed, rather than messages to be listened to or cared for. She bitterly resented your dependence and neediness. It’s not surprising that you still respond to life’s challenges with intense, endless, overwhelming anxiety.

But from today, things are going to be different. I am here with you now, to be the adult you need. I will help you to feel your emotions safely, so you are not overwhelmed or annihilated by them.

I will not scorn you, despise you, shout at you, or angrily force you into terrifying situations. Rather, I will make time to listen patiently, to support, reassure and comfort you. I will protect you the very best I can. This is how we will live together from now on, even if you never feel any different to how you do at present.

Baby Ruth, your emotions are not a stupid, childish, distressing personal failure – they are my priority. They are precious information about what matters to you, and what you need. However confused, uncomfortable, or intense they are, I promise to do my very best to help.

When your anxiety is high, I will remind you: “You are not alone any more. I am here, holding you safely. We can experience this together, breathing through it one moment at a time.”

Finally, and best of all, I want you to know that Jesus will be doing exactly the same for us both! Yes, Baby Ruth, Jesus has his arms around us. No matter what happens, he is with us, he is one with us, and we are safe in his love forever.

With all my love and care,
From the grown-up Ruth who is always here for you now xxx

Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children” (Luke 18:16; NLT).

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

References

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30; KJV).

Remember, I am with you always (Matthew 28:20; CSB).

PTSD

Ruth Kirk

PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Mine started in childhood, and has so far been lifelong, chronic and complex. Here is a small, possible coping strategy for dealing with unbidden memories. I saw it in prayer this morning.

The LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul (Genesis 2:7; KJV). 

Whenever I think of my mother
I breathe in the pain.
Holding my breath, I say, “Stop!”
Then I breathe out again.

Whenever I think of her judgements
I breathe in the pain.
Holding my breath, I say, “No!”
Then I breathe out again.

Whenever I think of her fury
I breathe in the pain.
Barring her voice from my mind,
I forgive her again.

So, I don’t take my thoughts any further,
But breathe through the pain,
And wait for the moment to pass,
Then start living again.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10; NIV). 

References

For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).

Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31; NLT).

 

Don’t try!

Ruth Kirk

Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NIV).

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just offer your thinking
To Christ.

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just pour out your troubles
To him.

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just face all your anguish
With Christ.

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just share all your burdens
With him.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).

Blessed be the LORD! Day after day he bears our burdens (Psalm 68:19; CSB).

References

I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you (Hosea 14:8; NLT).

Surely he took up our pain, and bore our suffering (Isaiah 53:4; NIV).

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

Change

Ruth Kirk

This evening I watched a video in which a man who was being subjected to online hate for rescuing abandoned animals spoke of “turning his pain into love”. Sadly, I don’t know his name, but his story instantly inspired the following words…

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2; NIV).

Love your enemies (Luke 6:35; ESV).

Let’s turn our pain
Into love,
And let’s turn our rage
Into calm.

Let’s turn our dread
Into peace,
And let’s turn our hurt
Into balm.

Let’s turn our fear
Into strength,
And let’s turn our grief
Into care.

Let’s turn our past
Into hope,
And let’s turn our lives
Into prayer.

Never stop praying (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NLT).

Pray for those who abuse you (Luke 6:28; ESV).

I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity. This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth (1 Timothy 2:2-4; NLT).

Consequences

Ruth Kirk

We can’t get peace by shouting.
We can’t get love with threats.

We can’t get what we want
With violence,
Or with bombs…

Because when we bully, abuse,
And threaten others,
Attack them, destroy their lives, their families,
And their homes,

We create chaos, fear, and trauma;
Heartbreak; hatred; bitterness –
And the unquenchable thirst
For revenge.

All these can be crushed –
For a while.
Locked down, and suppressed –
For a while…

But people’s loss and grief,
Their bitter resentment,
And their slow-burning
Absolute determination
To take revenge
Will never end.

These things are passed on
From generation to generation –
Until, at last,
All their hunger for retribution
And vengeance is unleashed.

Then the abomination
Of our desolation
Is laid bare.

The way of love

Ruth Kirk

They hated me without cause (John 15:25; NLT).

When people criticise and blame,
Hate my writing, scorn my aim,
Love remains my only goal:
Lord, they cannot harm my soul.

When people tear my work apart,
Blast my motives, pierce my heart,
Love remains my only way:
Lord, I plead for them each day.

I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! (Matthew 5:44; NLT).

References

Follow the way of love (1 Corinthians 14:1; NIV).

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (Ephesians 5:1-2; NIV).

I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me (Psalm 16:8; NLT).

Take captive every thought

Ruth Kirk

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV).

How my mind works
On 29.1.26. I was able to grasp how my mind works for the first time. Today’s blog describes what I learned.

Introduction
I automatically check all my thoughts, everything I am about to say, and everything I want to do, however trivial, to see whether they are within the rules of what is acceptable to whoever I am with. If I judge they are not acceptable, I suppress them immediately. My default approach is to stop myself from saying or doing whatever I want to, in case it breaches a social rule I do not know. I self-inhibit in this way hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times every day. Only very recently, since I started thinking about Autism, have I become aware of this inner process and started to understand its purpose and consequences a bit more. I realise now that it is a form of self-censorship, whose purpose is self-protection.

Unspoken rules
If, even for a moment, I forget to filter everything I want to say and do, it’s always disastrous. I spontaneously say or do something which shocks others, and has clearly broken a social rule I have not grasped. This is always very embarrassing and awkward socially, both with individuals, and within groups. It leaves me feeling stupid, ashamed, guilty and a complete failure.

Consequences
Such events trigger my automatic dread reflex instantly, and, with a sinking heart, I know that this dread will be with me day and night for months. In fact, I will never fully recover from it. Another relationship which may have offered a little hope, or at least some brief social contact, has been permanently destroyed.

This constant checking and the suppression of every impulse helps to prevent me from breaking unspoken social rules, so I can feel relatively acceptable to others. Unfortunately, as it is entirely habitual, I do it even when I am alone.

Rumination
After each such event I ruminate endlessly about what happened, feeling terrible about what I said or did. The mishap brings an end to any hope of being at all acceptable to the person concerned. It means the permanent loss of our relationship as it was before.

When this happens in a group setting, it spells the immediate end of my efforts to belong to the group in which it occurred, because I will avoid the person concerned as much as possible from that point onwards. I will dread even bumping into them in the street. If the disaster happens in a church setting, I will not be able to go to that church any more, which is a major, personal loss. Everything I had painstaking tried to build up there is over in a moment.

The aftermath
Afterwards, as soon as I can, I write to the person concerned, taking full responsibility for what happened, and apologising wholeheartedly. However, I can never face them again with any degree of confidence at all. Having seriously misjudged what was acceptable to them, nothing can ever make the relationship right again.

After apologising, I live with my rumination and dread for as many weeks as I can, feeling horribly anxious, sleeping badly, and getting more and more depressed. Eventually, there is no choice but to return to my therapist to work through all that went wrong, in the hope of somehow setting myself free from the emotional torment. This makes every social blunder very expensive, both emotionally and financially.

Today I am facing the start of my Autism assessment process.

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36; NIV).

A reading from Luke 4:16-21; NIV.
When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD’s favor has come.” He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”

Christ’s way

Ruth Kirk

If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it (Luke 9:23-4; NLT).

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

Love, despite hatred;
Joy, despite pain;
Peace, despite trouble:
Christ is our way.

Patience, in anger;
Kindness, in hurt;
Goodness, in everything:
Christ is our truth.

Faithfulness, always;
Gentleness, too;
Self-control, constantly:
Christ is our life.

Even in darkness;
Even in grief;
Even in suffering:
Christ is our light.

Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life” (John 8:12; NLT).

References

Love is the fulfilment of the law (Romans 13:10; NLT).

The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-3; NLT).

Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him (Philippians 3:8-9; NLT).

Have you sold your soul?

Ruth Kirk

What do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul? For the Son of Man will come with his angels in the glory of his Father and will judge all people according to their deeds (Matthew 16:26; NLT ).

Have you sold your soul for money,
Cars, or clothes, or food, or drink?
Have you sold your soul for envy,
Lies, unfaithfulness, or hate?
Have you sold your soul for gambling,
Crime, or drugs, or vice, or porn?
If so, turn to God; repent;
Then, through his Son, you’ll be re-born.

Have you sold your soul for power,
Anger, threats, abuse, or force?
Have you sold your soul for status,
Followers, or “likes”, or fame?
Have you sold your soul for sex?
Is selfishness your only goal?
If so, turn to God, who will
Forgive you, and restore your soul.

He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3; NKJV).

References

Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see the Kingdom of God” (John 3:3; NLT).

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires (Galatians 5:19-24; NLT).

Jesus began to preach, “Repent of your sins and turn to God, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near“ (Matthew 4:17; NLT).