Category: abuse

24.4.23: Saying “Yes” to dread

Ruth Kirk
Image by Tobias Hämmer, from Pixabay.

There they are, overwhelmed with dread, where there was nothing to dread (Psalm 53:5; NIV). 

Introduction

For the last few weeks I have been exploring my chronic sense of *dread (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dTm, for example). Today’s blog describes a way of handling it which came to me whilst I was praying a few days ago.

Psalm 74

My dread springs from the trauma and emotional damage I experienced when I was young. A passage in Psalm 74 accurately captures the toxic atmosphere in my childhood home:

Turn your steps toward these everlasting ruins, all this destruction the enemy has brought on the sanctuary. Your foes roared in the place where you met with us; they set up their standards as signs. They behaved like men wielding axes to cut through a thicket of trees. They smashed all the carved paneling with their axes and hatchets. They burned your sanctuary to the ground; they defiled the dwelling place of your Name. They said in their hearts, “We will crush them completely!” They burned every place where God was worshiped in the land (Psalm 74:3-8; NIV). 

Praying before my icon

Last Wednesday I stood praying before my icon of Mary. As I touched both her hand and that of the infant Christ, I was longing for my dread to disappear. Suddenly I saw a different attitude to living with my dread. Thanking her, I hurried to write it down.

My notes became a prayer which encapsulates this new way forward. Now, I am trying to say, “Yes” to my dread, and to thank God for it, in accordance with the charism of the Community of Our Lady of Walsingham (p10, The Book of Life, Community of Our Lady of Walsingham; 2022). 

Saying “Yes” to dread

So instead of longing for my dread go away, I now pray like this:

Lord, thank you for my sense of dread. It kept me safe when I was young, never knowing when, or where, the axe of my mother’s fury would fall next.

Please help me to welcome and accept my dread, surrounding it with love and gratitude. I want to rejoice in it as my oldest friend: the primitive, instinctive part of me that has protected me since birth.

Healing touch

After saying a spontaneous version of these words, I lay my hand on my abdomen and whisper to my dread: 

My dearest friend, you can relax now. You no longer need to be constantly vigilant, ready to make me freeze, run away, or hide, in order to protect myself. You and I are in God’s hands, and we are safe now, no matter what happens.

A final prayer

Then I end like this:

Lord, thank you for my dread. Please help me to surround it with love. I ask this in your dear Son’s name. Amen.

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

References 

*The symptoms of Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), include “A pervasive feeling of apprehension or dread” (helpguide.org).

All your waves and breakers have swept over me (Psalm 42:7; NIV).

I am in the hands of the Lord, the Most High is my safe resting-place (Psalm 91:9; BBE).

23.2.23: Feeling unacceptable

Ruth Kirk

Introduction
The day before yesterday, as soon as I woke, I wrote down the emotions crowding that night’s dream. For the first time in years, this included some positive feelings alongside the usual negatives, although this blog will mainly focus on the negatives:

Negatives: Feeling unacceptable, disliked, rejected, ashamed, unloved, unlovable, a failure, vulnerable, insecure.

Positives: Briefly feeling wanted, joyful, loving, connected with a person, connected with an animal.

A learning opportunity
Dreams are a learning opportunity. Writing down the emotions they generate enables me to connect with aspects of myself it would be much more comfortable to ignore, deny, or suppress.

As I began to pray, I saw that the emotions experienced during my dream were showing me how I feel about myself. Then I understood that throughout my life a lot of my waking behaviour and sense of self have been driven by the negative emotions listed above.

The origins of my fear and insecurity 
The feelings I typically experience during dreams have their origins in my relationship with my mother. As a child, I had no way of understanding them or putting them into words. I instinctively concealed them, because expressing them in any way risked incurring my mother’s criticism, anger and punishment. It was made crystal clear that I was a burden, so, unsurprisingly, I grew up feeling deeply unacceptable to others.

However, I couldn’t hide the effect this had on me. My distress was revealed by behaviours I couldn’t control, including tears, anxiety, fears, lack of confidence, recurrent nightmares, headaches, stress, perfectionism, bed-wetting and sleepwalking.

As I got older, the origin of my fears was buried far beyond conscious awareness. However, my damaged sense of self continued to fester in my unconscious mind, surfacing as panic attacks which seemed to come out of the blue. Anxiety, agoraphobia, claustrophobia and depression went on to dominate my life for many years, until I eventually started to get effective help.

My emotional framework
I see now that all my dreams essentially reveal how I have come to feel about myself as a result of how I was treated as a child. My negative experiences formed the foundation of my adult self-image.

However, alongside this realisation I’m beginning to glimpse that perhaps my feelings about myself don’t actually belong to me at all; they may simply be how I was made to feel when I was young. Hopefully, more will be revealed in the coming days.

Positive emotions
Meanwhile, I haven’t forgotten those rare, positive emotions experienced during my dream. These have given me hope that if my unconscious mind, and therefore my dreams, can change, perhaps my conscious sense of who and what I am can change as well.

So, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

Thank  you, Lord God,
With all my heart,
For the secret riches
You give me
From the darkness
Of my unconscious mind.

Through Jesus’ name.
Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT). 

11.2.23: Healing through dreams

Ruth Kirk

God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it. He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds (Job 33:14-15; NLT). 

Forgotten dreams

In prayer yesterday, I saw that when I can’t remember a dream, I can be sure that it contained nothing I need to know about or deal with at present. 

The same is also true when I remember a dream, but no significant theme or emotion stands out. After thanking God for these quiet dreams, I simply let them go. Experience shows that any vague fragments I recall will quickly fade from consciousness.

Recurring dreams

Even if I miss or forget something significant, I’m confident that it will emerge repeatedly in my dreams until I’m ready and able to catch hold of what it has to teach me. This is because the contents of my unconscious mind (memories, traumatic experiences, hidden desires, buried emotions etc), are constantly present, even though I’m not conscious of them. They bubble away beyond awareness, constantly influencing all I feel, think, say and do. They affect how I understand and judge my past, how I react to events in the present, and how I approach the future. They help to determine how I experience life, and how I relate to others.

If I had to face all the contents of my unconscious mind at once, I’m sure I they would overwhelm me. I would become very disturbed, and break down. On the other hand, if I tried to avoid facing them altogether, I would be unable to change, grow and move forward in my life.

Gradual healing, through dreams

Given time, I believe that every significant unresolved experience, trauma and emotion buried in my unconscious mind will gradually be revealed in my dreams. This natural process will continue until I have remembered them all, named them, and written them down. This will enable me to face them one at a time, bring them into the light of my prayers, and asking God to heal them. Thus, through dreams, these issues will no longer remain hidden in darkness, until symptoms such as panic, loss of temper, or despair erupt uncontrollably and without warning, apparently from nowhere.

Cause for rejoicing

So when I check my notebook each morning, I rejoice to see what has been harvested from my unconscious mind during the night. Despite no longer remembering the dreams themselves, their major themes have been safely retrieved and made accessible, ready for prayer. This is all I need.

No surprises for God

Of course, there are no surprises for God in all that surfaces; only for me. This is because God already knows the thoughts of my heart and everything about me that is hidden from conscious awareness. With dreams as my way forward, it’s wonderful to know that even my unconscious mind is being healed.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me (Psalm 139:1; NLT).

References 

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

23.10.22: One word

Ruth Kirk

Context: Today’s prayer arrived very soon after yesterday’s (https://wp.me/p45bCr-cFG). It recognises still further how incredibly fragile and vulnerable we all are:

Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Rabbi!” and kissed him. The men seized Jesus and arrested him (Mark 14; 45-6; NIV).

One word,
One kiss,
One cross,
One breath:

We’re just one step
Away from death.

One blow,
One shot,
One bomb,
One breath:

We’re all one step
Away from death.

When you take away their breath, they die and turn again to dust (Psalm 104:29; NLT).

References

How frail is humanity! How short is life, how full of trouble! (Job 14:1; NLT).

How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog – it’s here a little while, then it’s gone (James 4:14; NLT).

Then the soldiers nailed him to the cross (Mark 15:24; NLT).

Then Jesus shouted, “Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!” And with those words he breathed his last (Luke 23:46; NLT). 

You do not know the day or hour of my return (Matthew 25:13; NLT). 

We blossom like a flower and then wither. Like a passing shadow, we quickly disappear (Job 14:2; NLT). 

God, the LORD, created the heavens and stretched them out. He created the earth and everything in it. He gives breath to everyone, life to everyone who walks the earth (Isaiah 42:5; NLT).

I’ll sit back and say to myself, “My friend, you have enough stored away for years to come. Now take it easy! Eat, drink, and be merry!” But God said to him, “You fool! You will die this very night. Then who will get everything you worked for?” (Luke 12:19-20; NLT). 

He knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone – as though we had never been here. But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear him (Psalm 103:14-17; NLT).

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves (2 Corinthians 4:7; NLT).

18.9.22: The healing process

Ruth Kirk


Context: Yesterday I woke very early, and saw that God lives in my unconscious mind, waiting and longing to heal me.

Healing is a lifelong process. It means slowly becoming conscious of all that is hidden in the darkness of my unconscious mind, so I can change and grow.

I can encourage this process by:

  • Seeking God
  • Waiting on God 
  • Praying constantly 
  • Listening to God
  • Learning from God
  • Practicing God’s presence

Slowly, slowly, God reveals to me all the damage that lives on in my inner darkness, bringing it into the light of consciousness, so it can be healed. This includes the psychological consequences of the trauma, bullying, coercive control and abuse I suffered throughout my childhood, and far beyond.

I can share in this process by:

  • Opening myself to all God uncovers and reveals to me
  • Facing what I am shown
  • Accepting it
  • Cooperating with God’s healing
  • Learning from from what God tells me
  • Working to change how I feel, think, speak and behave

As God helps me to change and grow, I become more whole as a person, and therefore just a tiny bit more like Christ.

There is no deeper or more complete healing than God’s inner healing.

The Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image (2 Corinthians 3:18; NLT).

References 

Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes (Ephesians 4:23; NLT). 

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:5; NIV).

I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you (Ezekiel 36:26; NLT). 

He renews my strength (Psalm 23:3; NLT). 

We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

As we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world (1 John 4:17; NLT). 

This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ (Ephesians 4:13; NLT).

The Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image (2 Corinthians 3:18; NLT). 

We will be like him (1 John 3:2; NLT). 

16.9.22: Light and darkness (with thanks to KB)

Ruth Kirk

Context: This blog arrived yesterday morning, whilst I was exchanging messages with a friend. It simply formed in my mind as I began to respond. By the time I had put it into words, I realised I needed to hold on to what I had written, so I copied and pasted it into my spiritual diary. Here is the result:

You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light (2 Samuel 22:29; NLT).

Lord, you are light, and you live in the darkness of my unconscious mind (see reference #1).

Constantly present there, you move mysteriously in the depths, patiently revealing, insight by insight, all that is hidden within me, especially all that needs healing (2).

As long as I keep on searching, waiting, looking, listening, learning, changing and growing, you keep on revealing more and more, slowly bringing everything about me into the light (3). 

Through this life-long process, you are healing all the physical, mental and emotional damage caused by my abusive childhood (4).

Thank you so much for everything you show me, Lord, for all your love, help, and healing.

I offer this prayer through your dear Son’s name.

Amen.

References

1. God is light (1 John 1:5; NLT).

Clouds and thick darkness surround him (Psalm 97:2; NIV).

He shrouded himself in darkness (2 Samuel 22:12; NLT). 

2. We are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people” (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT).

You cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things (Ecclesiastes 11:5; NLT). 

He knows the secrets of every heart (Psalm 44:21; NLT). 

He reveals deep and mysterious things and knows what lies hidden in darkness (Daniel 2:22; NLT).

3. Moses approached the thick darkness where God was (Exodus 20:21; NLT).

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened (Luke 11:9-10; NLT). 

4. I am the Lord who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

Victims and oppressors

Ruth Kirk

Context: When I read or hear about the dreadful things we human beings do to one another, I pray for those who have been made to suffer. If they are alive, I ask God to heal them. If they are dead, I pray for their souls, knowing that God heals and blesses them in heaven.

Next, I pray for all who are affected by the harm that has been done to someone they love. I ask God to comfort and strengthen those who are now anxious, distressed, or bereft, as a result of the wrong that has been done.

After this, I ask God to support everyone who tries to help those who have been victimised. This includes, for example, health workers, the police and the justice system.

Lastly, I pray for those who have abused, hurt, or killed others. I ask God to help them face and take responsibility for what they have done, to repent, and to change for the better.

And today’s blog grew out of this practice:

I observed all the oppression that takes place under the sun. I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power, and their victims are helpless (Ecclesiastes 4:1; NLT). 

I pray for victims and oppressors:
Lord, please help them all.
I pray for victims and abusers:
May they hear your call.

I pray for victims and transgressors:  
May they turn to you,
Accept your love, be reconciled,
And start their lives anew.

I pray for victims and aggressors:
Yahweh, heal them all.
I pray for victims and attackers:
May they hear your call.

I pray for victims and their killers:
Lord, mend all that mars
Your perfect image in us all:
Please heal our wounds and scars. 

Humankind was created as God’s reflection: in the divine image God created them; female and male, God made them (Genesis 1:27; TIB). 

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
(Psalm 147:3; NLT). 

The flood

Ruth Kirk

Context: Recently, I’ve been thinking about the flood narrative in Genesis, which illustrates the disastrous consequences of sinful, human behaviour:

YHWH saw the great wickedness of the people of the earth, that the thoughts in their hearts fashioned nothing but evil. YHWH was sorry that humankind had been created on earth; it pained God’s heart. YHWH said, “I will wipe this human race that I have created from the face of the earth – not only the humans, but also the animals, the reptiles, and the birds of the heavens. I am sorry I ever made them” (Genesis 6:5-7; TIB). 

So God sent a great flood to wipe out all living things:

For forty days the flood continued… The waters rose so high over the earth that all the high mountains under heaven were covered… All life on the earth perished – birds, domestic animals, wild animals, all swarming creatures, and all humankind (Genesis 7:17-21; TIB).

The TIB translation includes an interesting scholarly footnote for this passage:

“Some commentators feel the story of the Flood speaks of the ending of the last ice age, when the melt from the receding glaciers raised the sea level high enough to submerge much of what had before been dry land.”

The Biblical flood story is usually seen as being safely in the past, but it recently occurred to me that it can also be understood as a prophecy, for as global warming melts the polar ice-caps, similarly catastrophic flooding is becoming inevitable.

Of course, some readers may rightly point out that after the flood God promised never to cause such terrible destruction again (Genesis 8:21; TIB). However, modern climate change is not an act of God. Rather, it is caused by human over-exploitation of finite earthly resources. The causes and consequences of global warming are therefore ours alone, as we move ever further from our original commission to, “cultivate and care for the land” (Genesis 2:15; TIB). 

So, flowing from these reflections, here is today’s prayer:

From the least to the greatest, their lives are ruled by greed.
(Jeremiah 6:13; NLT). 

Lord,

How can you bear our wastefulness?
How can you bear our greed?
How can you bear our selfishness?
How can you bear our hate?

How can you bear our ignorance?
How can you bear our pride?
How can you bear our foolishness?
You weep in us all, and wait. 

How can you bear our bitterness?
How can you bear our strife?
How can you bear our wickedness?
How can you bear our sin?

How can you bear our cruelty?
How can you bear our wars?
How can you bear our lovelessness?
You weep, Lord, and wait within. 

The LORD must wait for you to come to him
so he can show you his love and compassion.
(Isaiah 30:18; NLT).

You are the temple of the living God.
(2 Corinthians 6:16; NKJV).

I turn to you

Ruth Kirk

Introduction

Hello to all readers. As I mentioned yesterday, I’m learning  to make my writing more inclusive. Hopefully, as I improve, every blog  will incorporate a fuller understanding of God.

However, whilst I’m learning how to do this, I may sometimes need to post two versions of the same prayer, because I don’t yet have sufficient skill to amalgamate them into one. On these occasions, the first will use traditional language, whilst the second will attempt a more inclusive expression of the same basic inspiration.

Please bear with me as I work to develop the highly challenging art of more inclusive writing. God willing, in time my skills will improve. Then, posting two different versions will no longer be necessary, as I will be incorporating a fuller understanding of God into all my writing.

Today, I could have posted just one version of the prayer below, but I wanted to share with you a sense of the challenges involved in inclusive writing. If you find all this irritating, please be as patient, tolerant and understanding towards me as you can. It’s a very big step of healing for me to begin embracing a broader understanding of God, who includes all that is both masculine and feminine, whilst transcending all divisions, such as gender, race and creed (thank you to K.B. for your tremendous help and guidance in this matter). Because of the emotional abuse I suffered throughout my childhood, I have always found it very difficult to embrace the femininity of God.

Please pray for me, as I pray for you, remembering that we are all at different stages of our spiritual development, as we strive to reach the fullest possible understanding of God, within our human limitations.

Version 1: using traditional language

When I awake, I will find you nearby (Psalm 139:18; CEV).

Lift up your hands to him in prayer (Job 11:13; NLT). 

1. I turn to you each morning, Lord,
And lift my hands
In prayer.

2. I turn to you each afternoon,
And lift my hands
In love.

3. I turn to you each evening, Lord,
And lift my hands
In praise.

4. I turn to you; I lift my hands;
I close my eyes –
And gaze.

We fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
(2 Corinthians 4:18; NLT).

Notes

Please scroll down for references, below version 2

Here is a link to my recent article on lifting the hands to pray: https://wp.me/p45bCr-bb8

Version 2: using more inclusive language

When I awake, I will find you nearby (Psalm 139:18; CEV).

Lift up your hands to him in prayer (Job 11:13; NLT). 

1. I turn to God each morning,
And lift my hands
In prayer.

2. I turn to God each afternoon,
And lift my hands
In love.

3. I turn to God each evening,
And lift my hands
In praise.

4. I turn to God; I lift my hands;
I close my eyes –
And gaze.

We fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
(2 Corinthians 4:18; NLT).

Note

Here is a link to my recent article on lifting the hands to pray: https://wp.me/p45bCr-bb8

References

2. Let us lift our hearts and hands to God in heaven (Lamentations 3:41; NLT).

I love you, Lord (Psalm 18:1; NLT).

3. Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, and he shall hear my voice (Psalm 55:17; NKJV).

Lift up holy hands in prayer, and praise the Lord (Psalm 134:2; NLT).   

4. I think about you, God, before I go to sleep, and my thoughts turn to you during the night (Psalm 63:6; CEV). 

One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple (Psalm 27:4; NIV). 

She is mine

Ruth Kirk

My hands have made both heaven and earth;
they and everything in them are mine.
I, the Lord, have spoken! (Isaiah 66:2; NLT).

All of you together are Christ’s body,
and each of you is a part of it (1 Corinthians 12:27; NLT).

1. She is mine!
She’s my body –
So do her no harm.

2. He is mine!
He’s my body –
Don’t hurt, or destroy.

3. They are mine!
They’re my body –
Don’t wound, rape, or kill.

4. You are mine!
You’re my body –
Like me, do God’s will. 

I have come down from heaven not to do my will
but to do the will of him who sent me (John 6:38; NIV).

God’s will is for you to be holy 
(1 Thessalonians 4:3; NLT). 

References 

1-2. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea (Isaiah 11:9; NIV). 

3. Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:27-8; NIV).

Thou shalt not kill (Exodus 20:13; KJV). 

4. Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us, and we are his (Psalm 100:3; NLT).

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God (Psalm 143:10; NLT). 

Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10; KJV).

If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine (Matthew 26:39; NLT)