Category: Failure

Easter Saturday 2026

Ruth Kirk

This little prayer came to me whilst I was praying this morning, so I wanted to share it straight away. With love from Ruth xxx

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? (Psalm 13:2; NLT).

I watch my trauma
Fade away,
Till you alone
Remain:

Your smile, your face;
Your boundless grace;
Your healing touch –
Your love.

I watch my burdens
Fade away,
But still you stay
The same:

Your way, your life;
Your sacrifice;
Your truth, your cross –
Your blood.

This is my body, which is given for you (Luke 22:19; NLT).

This is my blood, which confirms the covenant between God and his people. It is poured out as a sacrifice for many (Mark 14:24; NLT).

References

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6; NLT).

My goal is to know him and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings (Philippians 3:10; CSB).

For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).

Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31; NLT).

Healing

Ruth Kirk

Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NIV).

In prayer,
We peel away our masks,
Revealing all the dread
We try to hide.

In prayer,
We loosen up our minds,
Disclosing all the thoughts
We keep inside.

In prayer,
We open up our hearts,
Releasing the emotions
We conceal.

In prayer,
We set our spirits free,
Exposing all our wounds
For you to heal.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds (Psalm 147:3; NLT).

When you struggle

Ruth Kirk

Is not all human life a struggle? (Job 7:1; NLT).

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? (Psalm 13:2; NLT).

When you struggle:
I am near.

When you suffer:
I am here –

Sharing all your
Grief and pain –

Come, be one with me
Again!

The person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him (1 Corinthians 6:17; NLT).

References

Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).

I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5; NLT).

The LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul Genesis 2:7; KJV).

The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).

Reading: Philippians 3:8-11.

Don’t try!

Ruth Kirk

Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NIV).

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just offer your thinking
To Christ.

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just pour out your troubles
To him.

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just face all your anguish
With Christ.

Don’t try to make yourself pray:
Just share all your burdens
With him.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).

Blessed be the LORD! Day after day he bears our burdens (Psalm 68:19; CSB).

References

I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you (Hosea 14:8; NLT).

Surely he took up our pain, and bore our suffering (Isaiah 53:4; NIV).

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

Faith

Ruth Kirk

A sower went out to sow his seed; and as he sowed, some fell along the path, and it was trodden under foot, and the birds of the air devoured it (Luke 8:5; RSV).

A trodden path;
A shallow soil;
A mass of thorns.

A barren field;
An empty barn;
A heap of reeds.

A fraying rope;
A dried-up well;
A broken bowl.

A secret door;
A private room;
An upper floor.

A dying fire;
A falling night;
A final meal –

Yet I will sing,
And tread the heights:
For God will heal.

Then they sang a hymn and went out to the Mount of Olives (Mark 14:26; NLT)

Though he wounds, he also bandages. He strikes, but his hands also heal (Job 5:18; NLT). 

For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).

References:

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation. The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights (Habakkuk 3:17-19; NLT).

Yes, remember your Creator now while you are young, before the silver cord of life snaps and the golden bowl is broken. Don’t wait until the water jar is smashed at the spring and the pulley is broken at the well. For then the dust will return to the earth, and the spirit will return to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:6-7; NLT).

He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle (Matthew 12:20; NLT).

Readings:

Mark 4:1-9.

Ecclesiastes 12:1-7.

No door

Ruth Kirk

It’s a week since I said I would update you all about how I plan to move forward with Take heart. In that time I have experienced a lot of pain and distress, some spiritual highs and lows, and some amazing personal insights. Thank you to those who have contacted me to express your sympathy and support: you have made a big difference.

So, from now on I will:

  1. Continue to write what God gives me.
  2. Post a blog whenever I feel driven to share (not necessarily every day).
  3. Encourage you to share my posts with others, if you feel this might help them.
  4. List fewer references.
  5. Suggest short Bible readings, when appropriate.
  6. Post significant blogs when they are ready, rather than aiming for a set time of day.

Please feel free to send polite comments. Blogging is a very lonely and exacting task, so constructive feedback and encouragement are always welcome.

Meanwhile, I continue to pray for all those who visit Take heart each day.

With much love, and many blessings to you all, from Ruth xxx

TODAY’S BLOG

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who knows
Our fearfulness.

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who holds
Our loneliness.

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who shares
Our wretchedness.

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who bears
Our suffering.

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

Be sure of this: I am with you always (Matthew 28:20; NLT).

Take captive every thought

Ruth Kirk

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV).

How my mind works
On 29.1.26. I was able to grasp how my mind works for the first time. Today’s blog describes what I learned.

Introduction
I automatically check all my thoughts, everything I am about to say, and everything I want to do, however trivial, to see whether they are within the rules of what is acceptable to whoever I am with. If I judge they are not acceptable, I suppress them immediately. My default approach is to stop myself from saying or doing whatever I want to, in case it breaches a social rule I do not know. I self-inhibit in this way hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times every day. Only very recently, since I started thinking about Autism, have I become aware of this inner process and started to understand its purpose and consequences a bit more. I realise now that it is a form of self-censorship, whose purpose is self-protection.

Unspoken rules
If, even for a moment, I forget to filter everything I want to say and do, it’s always disastrous. I spontaneously say or do something which shocks others, and has clearly broken a social rule I have not grasped. This is always very embarrassing and awkward socially, both with individuals, and within groups. It leaves me feeling stupid, ashamed, guilty and a complete failure.

Consequences
Such events trigger my automatic dread reflex instantly, and, with a sinking heart, I know that this dread will be with me day and night for months. In fact, I will never fully recover from it. Another relationship which may have offered a little hope, or at least some brief social contact, has been permanently destroyed.

This constant checking and the suppression of every impulse helps to prevent me from breaking unspoken social rules, so I can feel relatively acceptable to others. Unfortunately, as it is entirely habitual, I do it even when I am alone.

Rumination
After each such event I ruminate endlessly about what happened, feeling terrible about what I said or did. The mishap brings an end to any hope of being at all acceptable to the person concerned. It means the permanent loss of our relationship as it was before.

When this happens in a group setting, it spells the immediate end of my efforts to belong to the group in which it occurred, because I will avoid the person concerned as much as possible from that point onwards. I will dread even bumping into them in the street. If the disaster happens in a church setting, I will not be able to go to that church any more, which is a major, personal loss. Everything I had painstaking tried to build up there is over in a moment.

The aftermath
Afterwards, as soon as I can, I write to the person concerned, taking full responsibility for what happened, and apologising wholeheartedly. However, I can never face them again with any degree of confidence at all. Having seriously misjudged what was acceptable to them, nothing can ever make the relationship right again.

After apologising, I live with my rumination and dread for as many weeks as I can, feeling horribly anxious, sleeping badly, and getting more and more depressed. Eventually, there is no choice but to return to my therapist to work through all that went wrong, in the hope of somehow setting myself free from the emotional torment. This makes every social blunder very expensive, both emotionally and financially.

Today I am facing the start of my Autism assessment process.

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36; NIV).

A reading from Luke 4:16-21; NIV.
When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD’s favor has come.” He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”

Being a person

Ruth Kirk

Suddenly their eyes were opened and they recognized him (Luke 24:31; NLT).

Introduction
I have always experienced being a person as a very difficult and lonely task. With a mixture of envy and admiration, I have observed the lives of those who seem to navigate events, both good and bad, without having to think about who they are, or how to behave towards others.

One of the coping techniques I have used throughout my life has been to join spiritual groups, one at a time, whose customs and beliefs I felt I could accept and make my own. When other people do this, they seem to experience a sense of ‘belonging’ – of being accepted, and of being part of something larger than themselves. However, this has proved impossible for me.

Spiritual groups
Spiritual growth is my core concern, so over the years I have tried to live according to the approaches modelled by various spiritual teachers, priests, and groups. Sadly, though, I have never been able to make myself fit into any such groups for longer than a few years.

Conforming
This is because membership of a group requires major continuous, conscious efforts, as I strive to conform to its rules and beliefs.

Inevitably, in the end I make an unintentional, yet fatal, mistake, and am rejected.

Alternatively, a group’s views or requirements can become so unacceptable to me that eventually I am no longer willing to make the personal sacrifices needed in order to fit in.

An example of this happened some years ago, when I adopted Saint Mother Theresa’s teaching on humility. This gave a clear structure to my spiritual life, though I was never completely comfortable with her advice. Her way required the constant, conscious, highly-disciplined suppression of all my spontaneous thoughts, opinions beliefs, emotions, needs, impulses and desires. In the end, I simply had to reject it. The price of trying to belong was higher than I was willing or able to pay.

Leaving and loss
Each time I realised I could no longer force myself to fit into a group, I left. Each, in turn, had become my major source of spiritual structure and social contact, so leaving was always a great personal loss. This rendered my life empty of meaning and social contact for months, or even years, afterwards.

Repeatedly having to give up both the way I life I had been trying to follow, and the relationships associated with it, has been a depressingly recurrent patten in my life. Each time this has happened, it has felt like yet another major personal failure on my part. Groups which had seemed to offer fresh hope when I joined, eventually became yet another door closed to me when I disengaged. As I have got older, the growing number of closed doors has left me with very little hope that I can ever truly belong anywhere at all.

Christ’s way
However, I have recently recognised that the only way of life I want to follow is that of Jesus, as described in the gospels. I do not want his teaching to be interpreted for me by others.

Similarly, I don’t need his example to be made into a set of pre-determined rules designed by an authority-figure, theologian or other ‘expert’ for me to follow. God is my authority, and my learning comes from this source alone, in prayer. As John Newton wrote: There is no effectual teacher but God. We can receive no more than he is pleased to communicate (John Newton, “Out of the depths”). 

A journey of discovery
Now, at last, I feel ready to start discovering for myself who I am, how I feel, what I think and believe, what I need and desire, and what I want to do. In this way, I hope to begin basing my life on the precious individual, inner factors which make me uniquely me.

This is a completely new way of being a person for me. No one else can do it for me, and I have an awful lot to learn, so it’s definitely time to make a start at this late stage in my life.

Conclusion
I have lived and tried to ‘belong’ by consciously suppressing my own spontaneous thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, impulses and desires all the time. I now realise that these precious inner factors are what make me me.

Let’s finish with a prayer:

Lord Jesus, please set me free to become myself at last, so I can start growing more like you. I ask this through your own dear name: Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so that you may know that I am the LORD (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

References

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:32; NLT).

I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you (John 13:15; NLT).

Blame

Ruth Kirk

They hated me without cause (John 15:25; NLT).

Just because a person blames me,
Doesn’t mean that I’ve done wrong.

Just because a person judges,
Doesn’t mean that I have failed.

Just because a person hates me,
Doesn’t mean that I’m no good.

Their opinions are their own, Lord,
So I pray for them with love.

I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! (Matthew 5:44; NLT).

I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me (Psalm 16:8; NLT).

 

My counterweight

Ruth Kirk

The context for this blog is that about two weeks ago I was referred by my doctor for an autism assessment. The possibility that I may be autistic has made me start thinking about how I have always related to others, and to begin looking at my life from a completely new perspective.

Today’s blog has two short, contrasting sections. The first shares how I have lived for the last 73 years. The second considers what I am currently learning through God’s help. These two pieces take the form of speaking honestly to Jesus in prayer, which is exactly how they arose.

The past

Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress (Psalm 25:16; NLT).

Lord, you know that I have coped with life by constantly trying to work out what others wanted, so I could fit around their wishes. I didn’t know there was any other way to be a person, though I observed that not everyone behaves like this. I never understood how they managed to be so ‘different’.

My approach to relating to others generally seemed to work reasonably well. However, there were times when I accidentally said or did something to which others reacted badly, without warning. Clearly I had said or done something they considered to be inappropriate, shocking, or wrong, but I could never predict such events, so I could not avoid them.

Each crisis was followed by months of rumination, shame, and painful, immovable dread. I would go back to my therapist in desperation, asking for help. I always made contact with the person I had offended, as soon as I could face them. My approach was to take full responsibility for what happened, to apologise, and to try to put things right between us.

But my relationships were never the same again with the people involved. Any slight sense, or hope, of feeling acceptable was gone. I remained very embarrassed, awkward and wary with them, constantly anxious that they might suddenly turn on me, and reject me completely. It was therefore easier, and more comfortable, to avoid both them, and the places where I might come into contact with them. This led to many significant, permanent losses. When things went wrong with church ministers, or with a member of a congregation, it was disastrous. It meant that another precious relationship with an individual or a group had been damaged beyond repair. Once again, I felt I had failed completely.

Love your neighbour …

The present

… as yourself (Matthew 19:19; NLT; my emphasis).

But now, at last, Lord, I’m starting to see a new way ahead! Inside me I have discovered a hidden counterweight to what others want and expect: my own opinions, wishes, needs, and emotions. I am now slowly learning to consult these cues, and to use them as a guide for how I choose to respond to others.

These inner promptings help me to express myself directly, hopefully in a considered, respectful, appropriate and loving way. People’s opinions, wishes, needs and expectations are still important to me. However, mine are important too. I can therefore express them, even though others may not agree with me. That is okay. They do not have to agree with me, or even like me at all. This realisation is a significant marker of inner change for me. It is vital for me to be myself, at last.

I didn’t know that I could do any of this before, so the only times when I was truly myself occurred when I had strong emotions I couldn’t restrain any longer. This led to occasional spontaneous outbursts of suppressed thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, such melt-downs also had the potential to cause serious ruptures in relationships, creating months of guilt, rumination, distress, anxiety, dread and depression.

In the last few days, since I started to see and understand these things, I have tentatively begun to enjoy the experience of being myself. I’m slowly learning to listen to my emotions, and to notice my personal opinions, wishes and needs, however small. These inner cues are starting to inform my conduct, rather than it being shaped almost entirely by other people’s apparent expectations. These personal promptings can act as a counterweight to the opinions, needs and desires of others. Awareness of them is enabling me to respond to people rather more spontaneously, honestly, and directly.

I am now paying much more attention to what I want to do and say, rather than automatically shaping almost all my behaviour around what others seem to want. Ahead, I glimpse a wiser and more balanced way of relating to others – a skilful, self-aware approach which takes account of everyone’s needs, including my own.

Living like this is much more enjoyable and satisfying than before. It gives me a sense of inner freedom, and helps me to feel quite a bit happier about who I seem to be. Thank you so much, Lord, for all you are doing to inspire, guide, teach, help and heal me.

Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT). 

You have been raised to new life with Christ (Colossians 3:1; NLT).