Category: Agoraphobia

My pilgrimage

Ruth Kirk

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage (Psalm 84:5; NIV).

My time here is a pilgrimage
From birth, through life, to death,
And you’re in charge at every stage,
Until my final breath.

With dread and agoraphobia
I’ve struggled through the years,
With anguish and anxiety,
Depression, sickness, tears.

I didn’t ask to be alive;
I didn’t want to live;
But, doggedly, I’ve tried to change,
To grow, to love, to give.

And you’ve been with me step by step
Along my troubled way:
Please help me still to cling to you,
Rejoice, give thanks, and pray.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18; NIV).

References

The gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult (Matthew 7:14; NLT).

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).

Obey his commands, listen to his voice, and cling to him (Deuteronomy 13:4; NLT).

I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely (Psalm 63:8; NLT).

 

Cling to Christ

Ruth Kirk

Darkness is my closest friend (Psalm 88:18; NLT).

When your life
Is full of care,
Far beyond
What you can bear –

When your days
Are full of pain,
As your heart
Breaks, yet again –

When your nights
Are drenched with tears,
And your mind
Is wracked by fears –

Cling to Christ:
Your soul will soar,
Till nothing matters
Any more.

Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31; NLT).

References

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28; NLT).

 

When I’m alone

Ruth Kirk

Serve only the LORD your God and fear him alone. Obey his commands, listen to his voice, and cling to him (Deuteronomy 13:4; NLT).

Lord, when I’m alone,
I cling to you;
And, when I’m depressed,
I trust in you.

Lord, when I’m afraid,
I cling to you;
And, when I’m distressed,
I trust in you.

Lord, when I’m in pain,
I cling to you;
And, when I ask, ‘Why?’,
I trust in you.

Lord, when I despair,
I cling to you;
And, when I must die,
I’ll trust in you.

Through Christ you have come to trust in God. And you have placed your faith and hope in God because he raised Christ from the dead and gave him great glory (1 Peter 1:21; NLT).

References 

From the depths of despair, O LORD, I call for your help (Psalm 130:1; NLT).

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; KJV).

Trust in God, and trust also in me (John 14:1; NLT).

I want your will to be done, not mine (Luke 22:42; NLT).

 

When you heal me

Ruth Kirk

O LORD, if you heal me, I will be truly healed (Jeremiah 17:14; NLT).

Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine (Mark 14:36; NLT).

Lord,
When you heal my anguish,
All that’s left will be peace,
And, when you heal my tension,
All that’s left will be calm.

Lord,
When you heal my sorrow,
All that’s left will be joy,
And, when you heal my anger,
All that’s left will be balm.

Lord,
When you heal my shyness,
All that’s left will be poise,
And, when you heal my envy,
All that’s left will be good.

Lord,
When you heal my trauma,
All that’s left will be bliss,
And, when you heal my sickness,
All that endures will be love.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:7; NLT).

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away (Revelation 21:4; NIV).

Sharing

Ruth Kirk

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

I’m sharing my trip here
With Jesus.
I’m sharing my journey
With him.
I’m sharing my lifetime
With Jesus:
God’s Son, who forgives
All my sin.

I’m sharing the present
With Jesus:
We’re sharing the future
God wills.
I’m sharing forever
With Jesus:
God’s Son, who is healing
My ills.

He continues to forgive all your sins; he continues to heal all your diseases (Psalm 103:2-5; ISV).

References

I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things (Isaiah 45; 7; NLT).

Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad? (Job 2:10; NLT).

I want your will to be done, not mine (Luke 22:42; NLT).

In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28; NIV).

Anxiety, dread, fear and panic (for D.L.)

Ruth Kirk

Introduction
I have spent a lifetime working on myself, in the hope of overcoming my chronic dread, fear and panic. To avoid repetition, I will refer to these feelings and sensations collectively as anxiety.

As an adult, I have doggedly pursued many different treatment approaches for anxiety. Some have made no difference at all, whilst others have helped to varying degrees. None has enabled me to overcome it completely, but God has been with me every step of the way. I have complete faith that God will bring good from all my struggles.

Glimpsing a way forward
A few nights ago, as I kissed my icon of Jesus before going to bed, I glimpsed a completely new way of relating to my anxiety. To my great surprise, I heard myself asking out loud:

“What if, instead of doing all I can to get rid of anxiety, dread, fear and panic, I simply welcome them, accept them, and listen to what they want to tell me?”

Stunned by the implications of this question, I knew something significant was happening, but had no idea where it might be leading.

Listening to feelings
Next morning, whilst praying sleepily, I realised that whenever I experience anxiety, I can, indeed, ask myself, “What are these feelings telling me?”

Immediately, I knew my answer to this question would always be the same: my anxiety is telling me that I don’t feel safe.

Am I safe?
This means that every time I’m feeling anxious, I can ask myself a single, very important question, a question which calls for an entirely objective answer:

“Am I safe right now?”

In response, I will briefly take stock of my current situation and surroundings. Almost always, the answer is going to be: “Yes, I am safe right now”. When this is the case, no matter how severe my anxiety may be, I will know that it is not about a real and present danger to which I need to react. This means I can safely welcome, accept and embrace how I feel. Instead of fighting my anxiety,  I can relax into it, allowing it to happen, and to pass, in its own time.

Past traumas
I’m able to begin accepting anxiety in this way because I know it is a normal, long-term consequence of an emotionally abusive childhood. I can therefore choose to welcome it without attaching any current significance to how I feel.

Despite what my body and mind are telling me, if there is, objectively-speaking, no current threat to my safety, I can be confident that my feelings belong to the past. Meanwhile, in the present moment, I will be able to remind myself that have nothing to fear, even though I still feel afraid.

Conclusion
Once I grasped the healing potential of this new approach to experiencing anxiety, fear, dread and panic, I resolved to start using it immediately. My aim is to embrace these feelings with healing love, as a prayerful, spiritual practice. Maybe I will report back one day on how I’m getting on!

Acknowledgements
Many years ago, when my anxiety was very bad indeed, I read a book called: “Simple, effective treatment of agoraphobia”, by Dr. Claire Weekes. It became the foundation of all my subsequent efforts to help myself, and continues to influence my approach to feared situations right up to the present day. Without the profound influence this book has had on my life and my thinking, I could not have written the above article.

I also want to express my deepest thanks to D.L. my long-term EMDR therapist. She has helped me through many years of struggling to overcome the consequences of my past. Her warmth, skill, patience, insight, knowledge, empathy, kindness and humour continue to be my lifeline, and my example.

Mental illness

Ruth Kirk

With deep thanks to C.A. for her openness and example, this blog shares how I prayed on the morning of 13.11.24.

Why wasn’t I buried like a stillborn child, like a baby who never lives to see the light? (Job 3:16; NLT).

Lord, you know that my mother has been my lifelong persecutor. You understand that her death some years ago made no difference at all to my mental health. She lives on in my mind, and in my poor body’s response to every anxiety-creating trigger, however small. You grasp that I internalised her voice and her behaviour towards me from birth onwards.

You understand how the emotional consequences of her judgement, criticism, rage, violent destructiveness, domination and coercive control continue to torment me. You know all about the post-traumatic shock disorder caused by her abuse. Nothing about my years of anxiety, fear, panic attacks, agoraphobia, perfectionism, dread and depression is hidden from you.

Lord, I have always felt worthless, because I was treated as if I were worthless. Whatever I did, said, felt and believed was seen as worthless. Whatever I wanted, or was good at, or achieved, was seen as worthless. The only things my mother valued about me were those she herself did, or enjoyed.

All this didn’t apply just to me, of course. My mother always made it abundantly clear how much she despised everyone who was not like herself, especially those who somehow managed to stand up her domination. She loathed them most of all. The only people she “liked” were those who admired and served her. They could do no wrong.

My mother often said that she knew me better than I knew myself. Even my thoughts were not private or safe, because I fully believed she could read my mind. She was always ready to interrogate, disapprove, criticise, threaten, and verbally attack me whenever I said or did anything she did not like. I lived in fear, and grew up fully aware that I did not want to be alive. You already know all about this, Lord, because you really do know everything about me.

Now I’m 72 years old. I’ve always tried so hard to do my best, despite the constant stress of living with mental illness. This has involved a lot of suffering, and taken a lot of courage. My mental health has improved to some extent, though depression continues to be a chronic problem. Meanwhile, self-esteem is non-existent, and whenever my PTSD is re-triggered, anxiety and dread still make life unbearable for many months at a stretch.

You know that I have always felt worthless, and that this is because my mother treated me as if I were worthless. I experienced myself as worthless, and have always felt as if others would much prefer it if I were not around.

Lord Jesus, after all this time, is it still possible for me to recover from the damage my mother did to me? You once said that anything is possible if a person believes in you. You know I believe in you. Please heal my trauma, and release me from the consequences of my mother’s toxic behaviour, I beg you. And please do the same for all those throughout the world who have been damaged by coercive and abusive relationships of every kind.

I ask all this through your own dear name. Amen.

You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it (John 14:13; NLT).

References

You can do anything and no one can stop you (Job 42:2; NLT).

“Have mercy on us and help us, if you can.” “What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes” (Mark 9:22-3; NLT).

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! (Psalm 139:1-6; NLT).

My mind

Ruth Kirk

Give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ (Ephesians 5:20; NLT).

I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things (Isaiah 45:7; NLT).

Lord, I want to thank you for my mind, and for all the experiences which have formed it. Every one of them, both good and bad, has come from you. They include:

  • Abuse, unkindness, blame and punishment
  • Tragedy, trauma, failure, sin and shame
  • Bereavement, panic, anxiety, depression and phobias
  • Marriage, motherhood and home-making
  • Walking, cycling, music, writing and art-work
  • Study, assertiveness and boundaries
  • Therapy, change, growth, personal development, work and achievement
  • Prayer, insight, joy, bliss and ecstasy
  • Faith, longing, searching and finding
  • Injury, fatigue, sickness, suffering, disability, pain, loss and isolation

Thank you for all these things, Lord, without exception. For the first time in my life, I feel that even if I could go back and start again, I wouldn’t want to change any of them. This is because these experiences, both good and bad, have formed, and continue to form, my individual mind, in relationship with you. Nothing could be more precious to me.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21; CSB).

Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10; NIV).

References

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).

Whatever happens to you, accept it (Sirach 2:4; NJB).

Should we accept only good things from the hand of God, and never anything bad? (Job 2:10; NLT).

Everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory (Romans 11:36; NLT).

The LORD gives both death and life (I Samuel 2:6; NLT).

He wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal (Job: 5:17; NIV).

Those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction (Job 36:15; NIV).

You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again (Psalm 71:20; NRSV).

I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things (Isaiah 45:7; NIV).

Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces; now he will heal us. He has injured us; now he will bandage our wounds (Hosea 6:1; NLT).

Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other (Ecclesiastes 7:14; NIV).

Redemptive suffering: a personal perspective

Ruth Kirk

You have been given the privilege of serving Christ, not only by believing in him, but also by suffering for him (Philippians 1:29; GNT).

Introduction
In common with many other people, I have experienced physical, mental and spiritual suffering over the course of my life. I also live with chronic illness every day.

My response to suffering has changed considerably over the years. Thus, I slowly moved from very negative attitudes, such as fear, self-pity and depression, through resignation, to a more comfortable acceptance.

Then, after being diagnosed with breast cancer six years ago, I discovered and adopted the practice of giving thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18). At the time, I didn’t realise what a key step this would be in the process of developing a more positive attitude to suffering.

More recently, just a few weeks ago, I stumbled on the idea of using my symptoms as cues which would remind me to intercede for others. This practice has already begun to give a new purpose and value to the suffering which is a daily feature of my life.

Soon afterwards, I discovered the term redemptive suffering, and realised, to my surprise and pleasure, that I am not alone on this path.

Redemptive suffering
My current, very limited, understanding of redemptive suffering is that it means:

  • Willingly accepting and embracing uncomfortable symptoms.
  • Giving thanks for them.
  • Offering them as a sacrifice on behalf of others who are suffering.
  • Praying for other people who are suffering, even when we are suffering ourselves.

It will be interesting to see how this definition changes in the light of further personal experience and insight.

Christ’s life and death are the perfect example of redemptive suffering in operation. Even as he hung on the cross, Jesus was praying for his executioners: “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34; NLT).

The privilege of suffering for Christ
St. Paul grasped that if we are to share Christ’s glory, we must also share his suffering (Romans 8:17). This led him to the astonishing realisation that we, too, can offer our suffering on behalf of others, just as Jesus did. As he states: “You have been given the privilege of serving Christ, not only by believing in him, but also by suffering for him” (Philippians 1:29; GNT).

With self-awareness, willing acceptance and frequent practice, every adverse symptom, sensation, emotion and experience can become a sacrificial offering to God. Our suffering then functions as a series of cues, or reminders, to intercede for others.

Our prayers can be for people we know personally, those we hear or read about, and for everyone experiencing physical and mental illness, pain, privation, danger and death all around the world.

Conclusion
I believe that we can grow more like Christ, and become more deeply united with him, by welcoming the suffering God sends, and using it for the good of others. Redemptive suffering is, indeed, a privilege. Furthermore, my experience is that it can bring a sense of purpose, joy and fulfilment even though my life is very limited by suffering.

I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them (1 Timothy 2:1; NLT).

References

Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NIV).

Remember those in prison, as if you were there yourself. Remember also those being mistreated, as if you felt their pain in your own bodies (Hebrews 13:3; NLT).

Since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too (1 Peter 4:1; NLT).

Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).

The Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image (2 Corinthians 3:18; NLT).

Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him (Philippians 3:8-9; NLT).

 

Suffering

Ruth Kirk

Whatever happens to you, accept it (Sirach 2:4; NJB).

There is a big difference between accepting our suffering willingly, and resenting it bitterly.

The first approach to suffering represents a genuine, personal sacrifice which brings us into loving solidarity with Jesus, and with all who suffer throughout the world. It creates empathy, joy, thankfulness and praise, no matter what we are enduring.

The second attitude to suffering tends to make us self-centred, self-pitying, depressed and angry. This response damages the special opportunity suffering offers us to live in unity with Jesus, and with all our fellow human beings.

Personally, I choose to welcome and embrace all my suffering, however limiting, painful or uncomfortable it may be, because, as St. Paul wrote:

Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies (2 Corinthians 4:10; NLT).

With this trusting attitude, suffering becomes a gift, out of which God can bring much good. This way of suffering brings us into contact with others, both in person, and through our prayers. It helps us to empathise with others, and to reach out to them with Christian love, concern and care.

Love cares more for others than for self (1 Corinthians 13:3-7; TM).

References 

Since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering (Romans 8:17; NLT).

Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are (1 Peter 5:9; NLT).

Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done” (Matthew 26:42; NLT).

I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things (Isaiah 45:7; NLT).

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21; CSB).

Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? (Job 2:10; NIV).

Everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen (Romans 11:36; NLT).

The LORD gives both death and life (I Samuel 2:6; NLT).

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16; NIV).

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28; NIV).

Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31; NLT).

A reading from 2 Corinthians 1:3-5; AMP.

Blessed [gratefully praised and adored] be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts and encourages us in every trouble so that we will be able to comfort and encourage those who are in any kind of trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

For just as Christ’s sufferings are ours in abundance [as they overflow to His followers], so also our comfort [our reassurance, our encouragement, our consolation] is abundant through Christ [it is truly more than enough to endure what we must].