Category: depression

9.8.23: Joy and tears

Ruth Kirk
Tumisu: Pixabay.

This prayer arrived spontaneously whilst I was saying grace before breakfast last Saturday.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
(1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.
(Psalm 16:11; NLT). 

Thank you for the joy of living, Lord,
And for the tears.

Thank you for the joy of striving, Lord,
And for the fears.

Thank you for the joy of loving, Lord,
And for the pain.

Thank you for the joy of dying, Lord,
To rise again.

Those who die in the LORD will live; their bodies will rise again! Those who sleep in the earth will rise up and sing for joy! For your life-giving light will fall like dew on your people in the place of the dead!
(Isaiah 26:19; NLT). 

26.6.23: Lonely

Ruth Kirk
aitoff: Pixabay.

Yesterday, as so often, a migraine made my constant hot sweats harder than usual to tolerate patiently. I wrote nothing in the morning, and felt depressed, lonely and isolated. Then, at about 4.30pm, to my great surprise, today’s prayer came to me. Reminding me of the only wise way forward, it brought a moment of relief, and even hope, to an otherwise unrelievedly grey day.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted
(Psalm 25:16; NIV). 

I am deeply depressed (Psalm 42:6; CSB). 

1. Prince of Peace,
I cannot change
How lonely and depressed
I feel,

2. So, instead,
I turn to you,
And beg you, Lord,
Hear my appeal:

3. Strengthen me
To face this daily struggle,
Or my heart
Will break;

4. Help me to accept,
Endure,
And bear my cross,
For your love’s sake. 

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).

References 

Verse 1: Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).

Verse 2: Hear my prayer, LORD, and listen to my cry for help (Psalm 39:12; CSB). 

Verse 3: My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word (Psalm 119:28; NIV). 

Is not all human life a struggle? (Job 7:1; NLT). 

An aching heart breaks the spirit (Proverbs 15:13; HNV). 

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise (Psalm 51:17; NIV). 

Verse 4: My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done (Matthew 26:42; NLT). 

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will (Hebrews 10:36; NLT). 

28.4.23: Honest prayer #1

Ruth Kirk
Studies of a woman praying, by Ludwig Emil Grimm, Creative Commons.

Today’s blog is the first in a series of three, each of which considers the vital importance of honesty in prayer.

Honesty

The Bible makes it plain that God wants us to be completely honest in prayer, rather than trying to offer a sanitised, partial, or censored version of ourselves as we think God wants us to be: 

You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).

Personally, I find it a relief to share everything with God, including my sins, and the shadow parts of myself I would rather keep hidden, or whose existence I would prefer to ignore or deny. Although sharing all this can be painful, it is vital for my ongoing process of inner healing. 

For me, prayer means living in awareness of God’s constant presence, listening, learning, and sharing with God all I experience, feel, think, say and do. This is a relationship in which self-censorship, pretence, concealment and denial are pointless, as God already knows everything about me:

Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely (Psalm 139:4; NIV).

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me (Psalm 139:1; NLT).

I therefore want my communion with God to be constant, spontaneous, immediate, heartfelt, direct and raw. This requires continuous awareness of what is going on in my shadow, as well as in my more “public” face.

My shadow

Long experience has shown me that when I don’t acknowledge, and deal with, the contents of my shadow, they make their presence felt through unbidden thoughts and impulses, anxiety, dread, panic attacks, depression and bad dreams.

Paying conscious attention to these aspect of myself and exploring their underlying causes helps me to connect with them more fully. This enables me to pray about them, and take action to resolve them. For example, if I remember an unconfessed sin, I can confess it in prayer, then try to make amends by following Jesus’ teaching:

If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-4; NIV). 

Looking ahead

Tomorrow I plan to publish the second part of this series on honest prayer. It will look at Jesus’ shadow, and how he dealt with it. Meanwhile, let’s end with a short reading:

A reading: Psalm 66:16-20; NLT

Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what he did for me. For I cried out to him for help, praising him as I spoke. If I had not confessed the sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But God did listen! He paid attention to my prayer. Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw his unfailing love from me.

23.3.23: The shadow self

Ruth Kirk
https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?search=Shadow&title=Special:MediaSearch&go=Go&type=image

Introduction

Today’s blog is about the shadow self. This term encompasses all the aspects of ourselves we find so uncomfortable, shameful and unacceptable that we ignore, conceal, or deny them. However, it is essential to find ways of recognising and expressing these hidden aspects, so we can integrate them into a fuller understanding of ourselves (see “Owning your own shadow” by Robert A. Johnson; Harper One: 1991).

My shadow, for example, includes sin, guilt, shame, selfishness, self-pity, depression, irritability, judging, anxiety, fear, resentment, bitterness, anger, insecurity and feeling unwanted. For a long time, I have habitually taken captive my thoughts and feelings along these lines, saying sorry to God as soon as I become aware of them. I then replace them with something more loving, in accordance with Paul’s teaching (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV). However, until very recently, I have never considered choosing to express them in any other way.

Instead, I generally keep negative feelings and thoughts concealed in my shadow. Unfortunately, this is unhealthy, as these spontaneous aspects of myself are significant aspects of my whole being.

Being honest

Over the last few weeks I’ve begun to grasp the spiritual importance of maintaining a constant awareness of what is happening in my shadow. This enables me to be more honest with myself, with God, and, potentially, with other people.

Of course, I don’t want to simply “act out” the contents of my shadow through impulsive, uncontrolled behaviour. Rather, I want to be in touch with them, so I can choose how to respond. Moreover, if I decide to express them, I want to do so as safely and constructively as possible, for the sake of both others and myself.

Such expression doesn’t necessarily mean voicing my shadow self directly, though occasionally this may be appropriate. Instead, I choose to express my shadow through dance, writing and prayer. Art, music, sports and many other activities can also provide alternative creative outlets.

It won’t go away

Staying in touch with my shadow self and finding safe ways to express it is essential, because ignoring it does not make it go away. Trying to push challenging emotions such as anger, hatred and fear out of awareness leaves them free to create havoc in the unconscious mind. This is how sudden outbursts of exasperation, temper, violence and panic can seem to strike “out of the blue”.

The Psalms

The Psalms offer a healthy example of honouring the shadow by expressing it honestly in prayer, alongside more positive aspects of the self. The writer of Psalm Three, for example, begins by praising God for helping them in the face of their enemies’ threats. The tone remains positive until verse seven, when it changes dramatically, as the author gives vent to the pent-up fear, anger and vengefulness concealed in their shadow:

“Arise, O LORD! Rescue me, my God! Slap all my enemies in the face! Shatter the teeth of the wicked!” (Psalm 3:7; NLT). 

Once these negative impulses have been fully voiced, the writer is able to finish on a more positive note:

“Victory comes from you, O LORD. May you bless your people” (Psalm 3:8; NLT).

If the writer had sanitised this psalm by omitting the thoughts and emotions hidden in their shadow, it would have been incomplete. This would have made it far less helpful to both themself and their future readers.

Conclusion

The raw, spontaneous truths hidden in our shadow are vital aspects of the self, treasures without which we cannot be complete. To reject them means being out of contact with essential aspects of ourselves.

Learning to integrate the contents of our shadow with our more positive thoughts and emotions is therefore vital for authentic spiritual growth and healing. As Johnson states: “These disowned parts are extremely valuable and cannot be disregarded… To honour and accept one’s shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. It is whole-making and thus holy and the most important experience of a lifetime” (Johnson; ibid, pp ix-x).

So now, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:

You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).

Lord, 

Thank you for my shadow –
May I face it,
Acknowledging its role
In all I do.

Thank you for my shadow –
May I own it,
So I can choose
To share it all with you.

Thank you for my shadow –
May I love it,
For you desire my honesty,
I know.

Thank you for my shadow –
I embrace it.
Lord, may these secret riches
Help me grow.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

1.3.23: The Spirit’s lead (#1)

Ruth Kirk

Waking this morning from a long, vivid dream in which I was ill, confused, and unable to cope with my own most basic needs, I found comfort in saying my familiar morning prayers.

Then, after asking God’s Spirit to help me, I opened my mind, heart and soul to his lead. Today’s blog shows the first part of what arrived. Tomorrow’s will share the second.

The Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words. And he who searches the hearts of men knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God (Romans 8:26-7; RSV). 

Lord,
You alone know what my future will bring.

Please help me to live each day in you,
Always aware of your presence and love,
No matter how sad, confused, helpless, or afraid I feel.

I ask this through your dear Son’s name.
Amen.

The Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name (John 15L16; NLT).

References 

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them (1 John 4:16; NLT). 

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT). 

5.2.23: Bad dreams

Ruth Kirk

Introduction

Every night, just before I settle down to sleep, I ask God to help me be a Christian in my dreams, to know Christ’s constant presence there, and even to see his face. I started doing this because for the last six months or so nearly all of my dreams have been vivid, disturbing, distressing and sometimes frightening.

Looking back

I began writing about this issue on the 27th of October 2022. If you would like to look back through this thread, here are the links to some relevant blogs:

27.10.22: Dreams: https://wp.me/p45bCr-cHj

12.11.22: A dream (for E.M.): https://wp.me/p45bCr-cPy

24.11.22: In my dreams: https://wp.me/p45bCr-cVN

6.12.22: In my dreams: https://wp.me/p45bCr-cZ0

9.1.23: Bad dreams: https://wp.me/p45bCr-d5w

Starting to understand 

Yesterday, at last, I started to understand the purpose of these dreams:

Through them I repeatedly face situations, relationships, dilemmas, difficulties and turning-points which are similar in essence to those I have actually experienced during my life. So, as I work through these challenges again and again in my dreams, I have many opportunities to practice dealing with them more effectively.

In the past

In the past, when alarming things happened to me in real life, I simply reacted instinctively, like a cornered animal, unable to think about, or to control, my response.

Depending on the particular circumstances, my behavioural repertoire included getting upset, losing my temper, panicking, running away, anxious avoidance, being filled with dread, and saying nothing to the person concerned.

Sadly, none of these makes for a happy, healthy emotional life. Indeed, they create further issues by exacerbating and perpetuating existing problems. I can say this with complete confidence because I’ve spent my life wrestling with such issues, and struggling to overcome them.

New learning

However, to my delight, I’m now beginning to gain some significant insight into my bad dreams:

Firstly, they help me to connect my psychological issues with the serious damage done to my conscious and unconscious mental development by my mother’s emotional abuse.

Secondly, now aged 70, I observe that at last I’m beginning to react differently to challenging events in my dreams. This suggests that the assertiveness skills and emotional stability I have consciously worked so hard to acquire and develop as an adult are now slowly being integrated into my unconscious mind as well. I attribute this change to the prayer I say each night before sleeping, and thank God for this very significant form of gradual healing – the healing of my bad dreams.

One major theme

One theme that really stands out for me is the difference it makes when I speak out openly, directly and honestly in my dreams, rather than feeling helpless, powerless, silenced, weak and afraid. 

It’s easy to see that the pattern of fear, silence and avoidance, unconsciously developed for the sake of self-preservation during my childhood, has been the underlying cause of my long history of anxiety, depression, panic attacks and phobias, especially the agoraphobia and claustrophobia which have characterised and dominated my life.

Understanding this makes me realise, yet again, that God really does bring good from everything, even, in my case, the mental suffering and ingrained defence mechanisms which result from having a narcissistic, controlling and emotionally abusive mother. 

Conclusion

My guess is that as I become able to deal more skilfully with the difficult situations arising in my dreams, the bad ones will gradually cease. However, even if they continue, their fear factor will be greatly reduced by my responses to them being very different. So yesterday I added a new line to my final prayer of the day:

Lord, 

Please let me know your presence in my dreams. Whatever I experience in my sleep, may I face it with you, and deal with it as a Christian, speaking the truth in love directly, openly, confidently, and honestly.

I ask this through your own dear name. Amen.

STOP PRESS: Last night I had a potentially very distressing dream about being lost in London, exhausted and unable to walk. This is a standard agoraphobic/chronic illness nightmare for me. To my amazement, on waking, I remembered how I was able to ask for help from a stranger, and that although I was fully aware of my situation, I wasn’t afraid. Isn’t that truly amazing?

References

God gave Daniel the special ability to interpret the meanings of visions and dreams (Daniel 1:17; NLT).

God can tell you what it means and set you at ease (Genesis 41:16; NLT).

Keep on seeking, and you will find (Luke 11:9; NLT).

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NKJV).

We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28; NLT).

Fun with fermenting

Yesterday I looked carefully at my raisin starter, and found tall, thin filaments of mould growing on it, so, sadly, it had to go into the bin. However, I’m still confidently making my usual yoghurt and buttermilk, so I haven’t given up fermenting altogether.

9.1.23: Bad dreams

Ruth Kirk

Context: Although I don’t feel anxious about my deteriorating health in the daytime, I have bad dreams about it almost every night. A few days ago I woke feeling particularly upset and disturbed by what I had experienced in my dream, and especially by how I’d felt, both physically and mentally.

My training and experience suggest that these dreams are telling me what’s going on in my unconscious mind, and that it might be helpful to talk them over. As I prayed about this, today’s verses came to mind. They arrived so quickly that it was all I could do to scribble them down. Later I was able to spend time reflecting on them, and editing them.

I’m getting old, and sick, Lord,
Let’s face facts –
I’m never going to do again
Some of the things I love.
I’m never going to do
What I’ve not done.

I’m running out of health,
And out of time.
I’m fine with this
When I’m awake,
But dream about it
Almost every night.

And that’s when I experience
My grief,
My weakness, tiredness,
Helplessness and fear;
Depression; getting lost;
Dementia; tears.

Day after day I wake up 
In distress.
Today, I recognised
That maybe I need help:
Lord God, I want to talk
About my dreams.

God gave Daniel the special ability to interpret the meanings of visions and dreams (Daniel 1:17; NLT). 

God can tell you what it means and set you at ease (Genesis 41:16; NLT).

The Rosary Hospital

Word is slowly getting round about The Rosary Hospital, and I’ve fulfilled another two commissions. Meanwhile, yesterday I finished making a simple five-decade rosary for fun, finding it helpful to experiment freely without having any particular recipient in mind.

21.11.22: Lifeline prayers

Ruth Kirk

Context: Despite coughing and sweating my way through the night with covid, when I woke next day and began to pray, I received some insistent words almost immediately. The four brief, lifeline prayers included in this blog seem to be virtually all I need now, given my new highly isolated and simplified lifestyle:

“Why so dispirited?” I ask myself. “Why so churned up inside? Hope in God!” I know I’ll praise God once again, for you are my Deliverance; you are my God (Psalm 43:5; TIB).

When I feel alone and blue,
With dismal thoughts I can’t subdue,
This is what I say:
I love you, Jesus. 

When I feel ashamed and sad,
Full knowing I’ve done something bad,
This is what I pray:
Forgive me, Jesus.  

When I feel ignored and hurt,
Self-pity turned to high alert,
This is what I sigh:
Forgive them, Jesus. 

When you give, and when you take,
No matter how my heart may break,
This is what I whisper:
Thank you, Jesus. 

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).

References 

I love you, LORD, my strength (Psalm 18:1; CSB). 

Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will leave this life. The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD (Job 1:21; CSB).

Rosary news

Yesterday afternoon I made a blue and white rosary, but the final stage (the attachment of the crucifix), failed QC. However, one of the best things about learning to make rosaries is the joy of taking them apart so I can re-use the beads for my next attempt.

11.11.22: Thank you, Jesus (with thanks to E.S.)

Ruth Kirk

Context: Early yesterday morning, during silent contemplation, some words started to thrust themselves upon me. I tried ignoring them, hoping they would drift away. However, they became more and more insistent, until eventually I had to write them down.

Their source was a story told during a zoom session I had attended a few days earlier. The meeting was part of a two-year process of spiritual formation and discernment which I recently joined. The speaker described her dear friend’s practice of responding immediately to events she saw as negative by saying, “Thank you, Jesus.”

This approach to life’s many trials and sorrows certainly beats other reactions, such as impatience, anger, swearing, stress, blaming others and self-pity. Accordingly, I have now started using this practice myself.

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).

So, as soon as anything happens which I feel to be “negative”, I respond to it immediately by saying, “Thank you, Jesus”. With practice, this approach rapidly starts to become habitual. It’s remarkable how quickly it defuses my negative reactions, turning my mind straight back to God, and getting events into perspective.

An example

A good example of this happened yesterday when I wanted to print a single copy of a prayer from my iPad. The printer is in another room, so I couldn’t see what was happening. After a short time I became aware of a characteristic sound: paper crashing to the floor every few seconds. I hurried to the printer, which was churning out page after page.

My old reaction of instantaneous irritation rose up for a split-second, but then I remembered my new practice, said, “Thank you, Jesus”, spontaneously beginning to laugh as I picked up the paper. All the sting of the event had been removed by those three little words. Then I cut the pages in half and stapled them together to make a little notebook, bringing good from bad.

Opportunities for practicing

Here are a few general examples of opportunities to introduce this practice, but I’m sure you can quickly think of  many more:

Trivial irritations and frustrations
Minor misunderstandings and disappointments
Spilling, dropping, or breaking something
Making a mistake, getting something wrong
Accidents and falls
Events not working out as I had hoped
Someone hurts me
Failing at something
Delays, postponements and cancellations
Sickness, pain and disability
Undergoing medical treatment
Receiving bad news
Losing the capacity to do something I used to manage, or enjoy
Losing someone I love, or someone I rely on
Feeling depressed, anxious, afraid, or panic-stricken

Three precious words

To these, and more, as they occur, I will now respond as quickly as possible with those three, precious, deceptively simple words: “Thank you, Jesus”. What a difference they make! Why not try it for yourself?

Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! (Romans 7:25; CSB).

References 

The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD (Job 1:21; CSB). 

I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD (Psalm 116:17; NIV). 

Should we accept only good things from the hand of God, and never anything bad? (Job 2:10; NLT).

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).

Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).

I want your will to be done, not mine (Luke 22:42; NLT). 

Patient endurance is what you need now (Hebrews 10:36; NLT).

Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realise that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life (Ecclesiastes 7:14; NLT).

The LORD your God is testing you to see if you truly love him with all your heart and soul (Deuteronomy 13:3; NLT).

Rosary news:

I’ve run out of cord, but more is on order, so will hopefully arrive soon. Meanwhile, today I put all my kit into an organiser box, rather than having it loosely mixed up together in a tray:

21.10.22: Gifts

Ruth Kirk

Context: Yesterday morning I prayed with words, then without, until I suddenly saw this little poem:

God has blocked my way so I cannot move. He has plunged my path into darkness (Job 19:8; NLT). 

You have taken away my companions and loved ones. Darkness is my closest friend (Psalm 88:18; NLT). 

I give you my darkness,
My weakness and sin –
That’s all I can offer, Lord:
Failure, within.

I give you my loneliness,
Sickness and fears –
That’s all I can offer, Lord:
Mourning and tears.

I give you my sorrow,
My anguish and shame –
That’s all I can offer, Lord:
Longing and pain.  

I give you my suffering,
Body and blood,
My mind, heart and soul, Lord:
I give you my love. 

I will give you my love (Song of Songs, 7:12; NLT).