23.2.23: Feeling unacceptable

Introduction
The day before yesterday, as soon as I woke, I wrote down the emotions crowding that night’s dream. For the first time in years, this included some positive feelings alongside the usual negatives, although this blog will mainly focus on the negatives:

Negatives: Feeling unacceptable, disliked, rejected, ashamed, unloved, unlovable, a failure, vulnerable, insecure.

Positives: Briefly feeling wanted, joyful, loving, connected with a person, connected with an animal.

A learning opportunity
Dreams are a learning opportunity. Writing down the emotions they generate enables me to connect with aspects of myself it would be much more comfortable to ignore, deny, or suppress.

As I began to pray, I saw that the emotions experienced during my dream were showing me how I feel about myself. Then I understood that throughout my life a lot of my waking behaviour and sense of self have been driven by the negative emotions listed above.

The origins of my fear and insecurity 
The feelings I typically experience during dreams have their origins in my relationship with my mother. As a child, I had no way of understanding them or putting them into words. I instinctively concealed them, because expressing them in any way risked incurring my mother’s criticism, anger and punishment. It was made crystal clear that I was a burden, so, unsurprisingly, I grew up feeling deeply unacceptable to others.

However, I couldn’t hide the effect this had on me. My distress was revealed by behaviours I couldn’t control, including tears, anxiety, fears, lack of confidence, recurrent nightmares, headaches, stress, perfectionism, bed-wetting and sleepwalking.

As I got older, the origin of my fears was buried far beyond conscious awareness. However, my damaged sense of self continued to fester in my unconscious mind, surfacing as panic attacks which seemed to come out of the blue. Anxiety, agoraphobia, claustrophobia and depression went on to dominate my life for many years, until I eventually started to get effective help.

My emotional framework
I see now that all my dreams essentially reveal how I have come to feel about myself as a result of how I was treated as a child. My negative experiences formed the foundation of my adult self-image.

However, alongside this realisation I’m beginning to glimpse that perhaps my feelings about myself don’t actually belong to me at all; they may simply be how I was made to feel when I was young. Hopefully, more will be revealed in the coming days.

Positive emotions
Meanwhile, I haven’t forgotten those rare, positive emotions experienced during my dream. These have given me hope that if my unconscious mind, and therefore my dreams, can change, perhaps my conscious sense of who and what I am can change as well.

So, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

Thank  you, Lord God,
With all my heart,
For the secret riches
You give me
From the darkness
Of my unconscious mind.

Through Jesus’ name.
Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT). 

11.2.23: Healing through dreams

God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it. He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds (Job 33:14-15; NLT). 

Forgotten dreams

In prayer yesterday, I saw that when I can’t remember a dream, I can be sure that it contained nothing I need to know about or deal with at present. 

The same is also true when I remember a dream, but no significant theme or emotion stands out. After thanking God for these quiet dreams, I simply let them go. Experience shows that any vague fragments I recall will quickly fade from consciousness.

Recurring dreams

Even if I miss or forget something significant, I’m confident that it will emerge repeatedly in my dreams until I’m ready and able to catch hold of what it has to teach me. This is because the contents of my unconscious mind (memories, traumatic experiences, hidden desires, buried emotions etc), are constantly present, even though I’m not conscious of them. They bubble away beyond awareness, constantly influencing all I feel, think, say and do. They affect how I understand and judge my past, how I react to events in the present, and how I approach the future. They help to determine how I experience life, and how I relate to others.

If I had to face all the contents of my unconscious mind at once, I’m sure I they would overwhelm me. I would become very disturbed, and break down. On the other hand, if I tried to avoid facing them altogether, I would be unable to change, grow and move forward in my life.

Gradual healing, through dreams

Given time, I believe that every significant unresolved experience, trauma and emotion buried in my unconscious mind will gradually be revealed in my dreams. This natural process will continue until I have remembered them all, named them, and written them down. This will enable me to face them one at a time, bring them into the light of my prayers, and asking God to heal them. Thus, through dreams, these issues will no longer remain hidden in darkness, until symptoms such as panic, loss of temper, or despair erupt uncontrollably and without warning, apparently from nowhere.

Cause for rejoicing

So when I check my notebook each morning, I rejoice to see what has been harvested from my unconscious mind during the night. Despite no longer remembering the dreams themselves, their major themes have been safely retrieved and made accessible, ready for prayer. This is all I need.

No surprises for God

Of course, there are no surprises for God in all that surfaces; only for me. This is because God already knows the thoughts of my heart and everything about me that is hidden from conscious awareness. With dreams as my way forward, it’s wonderful to know that even my unconscious mind is being healed.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me (Psalm 139:1; NLT).


References 

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

Stand up*

Stand up and praise the Lord your God!
(Nehemiah 9:5; NLT). 

Stand up to fear and panic,
Depression, hurt and loss,
To loneliness and anguish
With Christ, who faced the cross.

Stand up to pain and sickness,
Exhaustion, grief and stress,
To suffering and sorrow
With Christ, who shares each test.

Stand up to hate and envy,
Temptation, pride and sin,
To selfishness and anger
With Christ, who waits within.

Stand up to them with Jesus,
Confront them every day,
Then you will gain your freedom
With Christ, who is our way.

🖤

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6; NLT).

*This prayer can be sung to the tune of “Stand up, stand up for Jesus.”


Storms

1. When a gale lifts restless waves,
I think of you, Lord,
Quieting the storm.

2. When a squall makes forests roar,
I think of you, Lord,
Marching in the trees.

3. When I’m dazzled by the sun,
I think of you, Lord,
Clothed in brilliant light.

4. When I’m overwhelmed by fear,
I think of you, Lord,
Pleading in the night.

References

1. He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm (Mark 4:39; NIV).

2. As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the poplar trees, move quickly, because that will mean the Lord has gone out in front of you (2 Samuel 5:24; NIV).

3. There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light (Matthew 17:2; NIV).

4. He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood (Luke 22:44; NLT).

My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death (Matthew 26:38; NLT).

If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine (Matthew 26:39; NLT).

………………………………….

If you usually receive these posts by email, you might be interested to visit my new website and gallery: http://www.ruthkirk.org

Without you

Father,
Without you
I’m nothing –
Life is meaningless
And brief.

Jesus,
Without you
I’m broken –
Life is harsh
And full of grief.

Spirit,
Without you
I’m barren –
Life is only pain
And dread.

Mary,
Without you
I’m lonely –
Life is dark,
And love has fled.

References

I am nothing but dust and ashes (Genesis 18:27; NIV).

I came to hate life because everything done here under the sun is so meaningless (Ecclesiastes 2:17; NLT).

How frail is humanity! How short is life, how full of trouble! (Job 14:1; NLT).

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).

The godless are barren (Job 15:34; NLT).

Darkness is my closest friend (Psalm 88:18; NLT).

Thank you for my life

Thank you for my life, Lord,
My exile here on earth,
For all I have experienced
And learned.

Thank you for my wounds, Lord,
My healing at your hands;
For all the care I’ve welcomed
And returned.

Thank you for my darkness, Lord,
My losses, and my grief;
For all the times I’ve laid awake
At night.

Thank you for my sins, Lord,
My sorrow and my shame;
For all the ways I’ve tried
To put things right.

Thank you for your gifts, Lord,
Your blessings, and your joy;
For all the fears
I’ve worked to overthrow.

Thank you for my home, Lord,
My kindred, food, and drink;
For all the ways I’ve had to change
And grow.

Thank you for your teaching, Lord,
Your pattern, faith and hope;
For all the sickness
I have had to face.

Thank you for your crown, Lord,
Your forgiveness, and your love;
My birth, life, death, and, most of all,
Your grace.

References 

When I bring you home from exile, you will be like a pleasing sacrifice to me (Ezekiel 20:41; NLT).

Though he wounds, he also bandages. He strikes, but his hands also heal (Job 5:18; NLT).

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).

If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-4; NIV).

Be thankful in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).

He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies (Psalm 103:2-4; NLT).

God saved you by his grace when you believed (Ephesians 2:8; NLT).

Mary

 

Lord, 

My mother didn’t mean
To hurt me –
She simply had a child,
Then didn’t cope.

She didn’t have the qualities 
I needed,
So I grew up with her,
But without hope. 

She managed me
By trying to control me
With condemnation, fury,  
Screaming, blame.        

She damaged me 
By pouring out resentment;
I ended up with trauma, 
Fear, and shame. 

But now you give me Mary
For my mother –
The finest woman
Who will ever live; 

So every day I thank you 
For Our Lady, 
Who prays that we will heal, 
Love, and forgive. 

 

References

When Jesus saw his mother standing there beside the disciple he loved, he said to her, “Dear woman, here is your son.” And he said to this disciple, “Here is your mother.” And from then on this disciple took her into his home (John 19:26-7; NLT). 

They all met together and were constantly united in prayer, along with Mary the mother of Jesus (Acts 1:14; NLT). 

From now on all generations will call me blessed (Luke 1:48; NLT).

8.11.13.

Hello, my name is Ruth Kirk, and I’m a liberal, Catholic, universalist writer. I live with chronic fatigue, chronic migraine, invasive breast cancer, neuropathic pain, sicca syndrome, chronic costochondritis and autonomic neuropathy. I also have extensive experience of panic, agoraphobia, depression and anxiety, both personally and professionally.

Whilst I’m waking up, praying, or carrying out basic tasks, I often have spiritual insights. I try to express these in my daily spiritual diary, praying for all who visit this website, and for all who don’t.

Recently I also started The Rosary Hospital, making rosaries from new and recycled materials. All the rosaries are given away free of charge. Donations of broken rosaries are always very welcome.

I very much hope you will find something on my site that interests or helps you.

✝️ May God bless you today.
With love from Ruth xxxx

http://www.ruthkirk.org

We belong to you

 

Thank you, Lord,
That we belong to you;

We are your people –
Family, and friends; 

Disciples, servants,
Followers, and slaves,

Your sons and daughters, Lord, 
Until life’s end. 

 

References

Whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord (Romans 14:8; NIV).

I will be their God, and they shall be my people (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT).

Jesus replied […], “Anyone who does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother” (Mark 3:33-5; NLT).

Our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God (Romans 5:11; NLT).

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples (John 13:35; NLT).

I am the Lord’s servant (Luke 1:38; NLT).

If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me (Matthew 16:24; NLT).

Whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else (Mark 10:44; NLT).

I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty (2 Corinthians 6:18; NLT).

To all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God (John 1:12; NIV).