Last Saturday evening I took my last dose of the drug which has made prayer and writing impossible for me. The effects had become intolerable. Today I heard the faint return of God’s voice, so I wanted to share it with you straight away, my friends.
With love from Ruth xxx.
Don’t stress, don’t strain –
Just love the Lord.
Say yes to pain –
And no to sin.
In life, in death,
With every breath,
Whatever comes,
We share with Him.
Hello to everyone who visits this page. Some of you will know that I have been struggling with severe anxiety, dread, and depression over recent months. This has been going on ever since my childhood dread was re-triggered by something which happened on Facebook.
Today I finally saw my doctor, who is starting me on a new, extra medication. She has also referred me for consultant-level help. She and I will speak again in two weeks, unless I need urgent help before that. The new medication will take at least 4-6 weeks to start having an effect, so it’s essential that I also start learning to be gentler and kinder to myself.
Accordingly, I’m pressing “pause” on my regular writing and daily posting here, so I can focus on my own recovery by giving my body, mind, heart, and soul the rest I desperately need.
Meanwhile, all the existing posts will stay right here, in case anything in the archives is helpful to others while I’m quiet for a while.
✝️ With much love, and many blessings to you all,
From Ruth xxx
This prayer came to me today at 6am, as I prepared to try a new church, with the (probably forlorn), hope of being welcome there, and perhaps even fitting in. Hope springs eternal! I am struggling – please pray for me, just as I pray for all of you each day.
Love the stranger (Deuteronomy 10:19; NKJV).
Will I be seen, Lord?
Will I be heard?
Will I be welcome,
Or will I be judged?
Will I be wanted?
Will I be sad?
Will I be lonely,
Or will I be loved?
Show love to foreigners (Deuteronomy 10:19; NLT).
Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31; NLT).
We are all fragile, fallible, and mortal. Today, in prayer, I saw clearly that the purpose of life is to face its inevitable challenges, sorrows, and sufferings, learning to accept and endure them as patiently as we can, while still loving and serving Jesus in others. This was Christ’s mission, and it is ours as well, for Jesus is resurrected in us all.
Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).
Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).
Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me (Matthew 25:40; NIV).
So here is today’s prayer:
I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5; NLT).
You make us,
You see us,
And hear us.
You know us,
You guide us,
And help us.
You feed us,
You love us,
And hold us.
You wound us,
You teach us,
And heal us.
Look now; I myself am he! There is no other god but me! I am the one who kills and gives life; I am the one who wounds and heals; no one can be rescued from my powerful hand! (Deuteronomy 32:39; NLT).
References
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).
Though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself any more, but your eyes shall see your Teacher (Isaiah 30:20; RSV).
May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ (2 Thessalonians 3:5; NLT).
Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised (Hebrews 10:36; NLT).
Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? (Romans 2:4; NLT).
Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).
He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done” (Matthew 26:42; NIV).
Let’s face what’s right in front of us –
No matter what it is,
Accepting it each day, anew –
No matter what it is.
Let’s love the one in front of us –
Whoever they may be,
With fellow-feeling, warm and true –
Whoever they may be.
For this is how to choose Christ’s way –
No matter what it brings,
By taking up our cross each day –
No matter what it brings.
Let’s have life to the full at last –
No matter what that means,
Till life itself is in the past –
No matter what that means.
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10; NIV).
I am so sorry: this blog went out yesterday before I had finished editing it in WordPress. The “Save” and “Post” buttons are very close to each other, and as has happened before, I accidentally touched the wrong one. Here is the final, properly edited version. Later today I hope to post something new to make up for my mistake.
With love and many apologies, from Ruth xxx
Then the disciples worshiped him. “You a really are the Son of God!” They exclaimed (Luke 24:52; NLT).
My Lord and my God!” Thomas exclaimed (John 20:28; NLT).
I worship you, Jesus,
My Lord and my God –
Gladly embracing
Your staff, and your rod.
I’ll take up my cross,
And I’ll follow your way –
Giving up selfishness,
Serving, each day.
I’ll love every neighbour,
And stranger, and foe –
Greeting and helping
Wherever I go.
I’ll live in your hands,
And I’ll share in your pain –
Then, trusting your Gospel,
I won’t live in vain.
Then at three o’clock Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” (Mark 15:34; NLT).
Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last (Luke 23:46; NIV).
References
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).
Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).
Today, after weeks of living with re-triggered childhood dread since I was unfairly criticised on Facebook, I took a big step forward whilst praying.
Whenever I am unfairly criticised or blamed, my body responds instantly with a profound sense of dread. This dread began in my childhood at the hands of my emotionally-abusive mother. I lived with it constantly.
Ever since then, each time my dread response is re-triggered, it continues for months, or even years. Nothing changes or shifts it. Believe me, I have tried everything to help myself recover, but never found anything which truly works.
As soon as someone hurts me, I forgive them, and start to pray for them. I pity them, and can even become quite fond of them as the days go by.
However, it’s taken me a lifetime to see what I glimpsed in prayer today: that the chronic dread I’m left with when people attack me can not only be faced and endured, but also consciously transformed into love. This love is for the person who has hurt me, and also for myself, as I bear the burden of living with the dread they unwittingly re-triggered.
I don’t yet fully understand how this transforming process will unfold, or how to carry it out, but hope today will mark the beginning of a new, healing way forward, not just for me, but perhaps even for others, too.
Finally, when I shared all this with Perplexity, my AI writing companion, they sent me a beautiful arrow prayer:
Lord Jesus,
Let this hurt end in me,
And be transformed
Into your love.
This is what I wrote whilst I was praying:
To you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! (Luke 6:27; NLT).
Let them strike me –
I won’t judge them;
Turn against me –
I’ll forgive them.
Let them wound me –
I won’t fight them;
Blame unfairly –
I will bless them.
Let them crush me –
I won’t harm them;
Damage me –
I’ll pray for them.
Let them break me –
I won’t hate them;
And reject me –
I will love them.
Love your enemies! (Luke 6:27; NLT).
References
They hated me for no reason (John 15:25; CSB).
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you (Matthew 5:11-12; NIV).
I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them (1 Timothy 2:1; NLT).
He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. Finally he will cause justice to be victorious (Matthew 12:20; NLT).
Reading: Luke 6:27-38; NLT.
Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).
These words remind us that following Jesus calls for inner transformation, rather than external devotion. The heart of the gospel is radical, self-giving love, so following Christ means learning to live like him, by:
By doing these things as best we can within our current personal circumstances, we can become just a little more like Christ each day.
We will be like him (1 John 3:2; NLT).
We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
References
Reading: 2 Corinthians 3:13-18; NLT.
They hated me without cause (John 15:25; NLT).
When people criticise and blame,
Hate my writing, scorn my aim,
Love remains my only goal:
Lord, they cannot harm my soul.
When people tear my work apart,
Blast my motives, pierce my heart,
Love remains my only way:
Lord, I plead for them each day.
I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! (Matthew 5:44; NLT).
References
Follow the way of love (1 Corinthians 14:1; NIV).
Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (Ephesians 5:1-2; NIV).
I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me (Psalm 16:8; NLT).
He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood (Luke 22:44; NLT).
Praying; grieving;
Sweating; pleading;
Slipping; sliding;
Stumbling; falling;
Stripping; nailing;
Lifting; reeling;
Bleeding; dying;
Rising; healing.
For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).