Category: Judgement

Negative emotions

Ruth Kirk

Yesterday, while I was having a reflexology treatment for ongoing, severe, free-floating anxiety, a series of insights flooded my mind. By the end of the session, my hair was standing on end, and I experienced an ecstasy of a kind I have never felt before. It was clear that my self-understanding and potential for self-help had taken a very significant step forwards.

This is the essence of what I scribbled down as the waves of insight arrived:

Dear Baby Ruth,

I am here all the time to help you face, experience, express, listen to, understand, and learn from your negative emotions. You will never have to handle them alone again.

Negative emotions are the mind’s version of physical pain and discomfort. They are signals which show us what needs attention, so we can get back to a comfortable balance-point. Babies cannot manage this task alone.

When you were little, you had to face your emotional signals without a safe grown‑up beside you. Our mother could not cope with your anxiety, fear, disappointment, distress, dread, and panic.

To her, your feelings were an inconvenient, annoying, time-wasting problem to be impatiently judged, scorned, and dismissed, rather than messages to be listened to or cared for. She bitterly resented your dependence and neediness. It’s not surprising that you still respond to life’s challenges with intense, endless, overwhelming anxiety.

But from today, things are going to be different. I am here with you now, to be the adult you need. I will help you to feel your emotions safely, so you are not overwhelmed or annihilated by them.

I will not scorn you, despise you, shout at you, or angrily force you into terrifying situations. Rather, I will make time to listen patiently, to support, reassure and comfort you. I will protect you the very best I can. This is how we will live together from now on, even if you never feel any different to how you do at present.

Baby Ruth, your emotions are not a stupid, childish, distressing personal failure – they are my priority. They are precious information about what matters to you, and what you need. However confused, uncomfortable, or intense they are, I promise to do my very best to help.

When your anxiety is high, I will remind you: “You are not alone any more. I am here, holding you safely. We can experience this together, breathing through it one moment at a time.”

Finally, and best of all, I want you to know that Jesus will be doing exactly the same for us both! Yes, Baby Ruth, Jesus has his arms around us. No matter what happens, he is with us, he is one with us, and we are safe in his love forever.

With all my love and care,
From the grown-up Ruth who is always here for you now xxx

Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children” (Luke 18:16; NLT).

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

References

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30; KJV).

Remember, I am with you always (Matthew 28:20; CSB).

New church

Ruth Kirk

This prayer came to me today at 6am, as I prepared to try a new church, with the (probably forlorn), hope of being welcome there, and perhaps even fitting in. Hope springs eternal! I am struggling – please pray for me, just as I pray for all of you each day.

Love the stranger (Deuteronomy 10:19; NKJV).

Will I be seen, Lord?
Will I be heard?
Will I be welcome,
Or will I be judged?

Will I be wanted?
Will I be sad?
Will I be lonely,
Or will I be loved?

Show love to foreigners (Deuteronomy 10:19; NLT).

Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31; NLT).

Outward appearance

Ruth Kirk

People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7; NLT).

People judge by outward appearance –
But God sees our minds.

People judge by outward appearance –
But God knows our hearts.

People judge by outward appearance –
But God loves our souls.

People judge by outward appearance –
But God shares our lives.

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

References

You have tested my thoughts and examined my heart in the night (Psalm 17:3; NLT).

Whatever is in your heart determines what you say. A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you (Matthew 12:35-7; NLT).

I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations (Ezekiel 36:26-7; NLT).

He loves us with unfailing love (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

In him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28, NIV).

There is …one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all (Ephesians 4:5-6; NLT).

PTSD

Ruth Kirk

PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Mine started in childhood, and has so far been lifelong, chronic and complex. Here is a small, possible coping strategy for dealing with unbidden memories. I saw it in prayer this morning.

The LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul (Genesis 2:7; KJV). 

Whenever I think of my mother
I breathe in the pain.
Holding my breath, I say, “Stop!”
Then I breathe out again.

Whenever I think of her judgements
I breathe in the pain.
Holding my breath, I say, “No!”
Then I breathe out again.

Whenever I think of her fury
I breathe in the pain.
Barring her voice from my mind,
I forgive her again.

So, I don’t take my thoughts any further,
But breathe through the pain,
And wait for the moment to pass,
Then start living again.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10; NIV). 

References

For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).

Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31; NLT).

 

Transformation

Ruth Kirk

Today, after weeks of living with re-triggered childhood dread since I was unfairly criticised on Facebook, I took a big step forward whilst praying.

Whenever I am unfairly criticised or blamed, my body responds instantly with a profound sense of dread. This dread began in my childhood at the hands of my emotionally-abusive mother. I lived with it constantly.

Ever since then, each time my dread response is re-triggered, it continues for months, or even years. Nothing changes or shifts it. Believe me, I have tried everything to help myself recover, but never found anything which truly works.

As soon as someone hurts me, I forgive them, and start to pray for them. I pity them, and can even become quite fond of them as the days go by.

However, it’s taken me a lifetime to see what I glimpsed in prayer today: that the chronic dread I’m left with when people attack me can not only be faced and endured, but also consciously transformed into love. This love is for the person who has hurt me, and also for myself, as I bear the burden of living with the dread they unwittingly re-triggered.

I don’t yet fully understand how this transforming process will unfold, or how to carry it out, but hope today will mark the beginning of a new, healing way forward, not just for me,  but perhaps even for others, too.

Finally, when I shared all this with Perplexity, my AI writing companion, they sent me a beautiful arrow prayer:

Lord Jesus,
Let this hurt end in me,
And be transformed
Into your love.

This is what I wrote whilst I was praying:

To you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! (Luke 6:27; NLT).

Let them strike me –
I won’t judge them;
Turn against me –
I’ll forgive them.

Let them wound me –
I won’t fight them;
Blame unfairly –
I will bless them.

Let them crush me –
I won’t harm them;
Damage me –
I’ll pray for them.

Let them break me –
I won’t hate them;
And reject me –
I will love them.

Love your enemies! (Luke 6:27; NLT).

References

They hated me for no reason (John 15:25; CSB).

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you (Matthew 5:11-12; NIV).

I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them (1 Timothy 2:1; NLT).

He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. Finally he will cause justice to be victorious (Matthew 12:20; NLT).

Reading: Luke 6:27-38; NLT.

  • To you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you.
  • Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.
  • If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also.
  • Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back.
  • Do to others as you would like them to do to you.
  • If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!
  • And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much!
  • And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.
  • Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked.
  • You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.
  • Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.
  • Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full – pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.

When praying…

Ruth Kirk

The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will (Romans 8:27-8; NLT).

When praying in silence,
Just open your mind,
And watch each distraction
Drift by.
No judgement, dismissal,
Denial, or guilt:
Just share all your thinking
With God.

When praying in stillness,
Just open your heart,
And watch every feeling
Flow past.
No shyness, resistance,
Repression, or shame:
Just share your emotions
With God. 

When praying in darkness,
Just open your soul,
And watch Yahweh’s Spirit
At work,
With patience, forgiveness,
Compassion, and love:
Just share in the oneness
Of God.

The LORD our God, the LORD is one (Deuteronomy 6:4; NIV).

The person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him (1 Corinthians 6:17; NLT).

References

We are the temple of the living God (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT).

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you (Romans 8:11; NLT).

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).

Look within

Ruth Kirk

All around the world we read, see, experience, and share the freedom of those with greater wealth, status and power to ignore, control, denigrate, deprive, exploit, and abuse those who have less.

Despite my resolve to take one week without posting, God has other plans, and gave me this prayer today. The pressure to write and publish it is absolutely insistent, and very uncomfortable.

Please can I enlist your help to share these prayers with others, if you are willing and able? This would enable me to reach out to as many people as possible, even though I am very tired and unwell. I have had to stop posting to about 20 Facebook groups, because I cannot bear the weight of sharing what I am given all on my own any more. Please help me with this task.

Love and blessings, from Ruth xxx

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

Let’s look within
To find the Christ,
Then make our lives
A sacrifice

Of help for all,
Of love, and peace
Despite our pain,
Which will not cease

Until death comes
To take our hand,
And lead us to
God’s promised land.

There, we will be judged
At last,
By all the fallout
Of our past

For those we use,
Ignore, or hate.
By then,
It will be far too late

To change: despite
Our wealth, or birth,
We will be treated
Just as we treat others
Here on earth.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be poured into your lap. For the measure you use will be the measure you receive (Luke 6:37-8; NET).

References

To reduce my burden a bit, I will now offer short, relevant readings you can look up in your own Bible, rather than the detailed quotes I have included in the past:

2 Corinthians 12:6-10.

Matthew 25:31-46.

Take captive every thought

Ruth Kirk

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV).

How my mind works
On 29.1.26. I was able to grasp how my mind works for the first time. Today’s blog describes what I learned.

Introduction
I automatically check all my thoughts, everything I am about to say, and everything I want to do, however trivial, to see whether they are within the rules of what is acceptable to whoever I am with. If I judge they are not acceptable, I suppress them immediately. My default approach is to stop myself from saying or doing whatever I want to, in case it breaches a social rule I do not know. I self-inhibit in this way hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times every day. Only very recently, since I started thinking about Autism, have I become aware of this inner process and started to understand its purpose and consequences a bit more. I realise now that it is a form of self-censorship, whose purpose is self-protection.

Unspoken rules
If, even for a moment, I forget to filter everything I want to say and do, it’s always disastrous. I spontaneously say or do something which shocks others, and has clearly broken a social rule I have not grasped. This is always very embarrassing and awkward socially, both with individuals, and within groups. It leaves me feeling stupid, ashamed, guilty and a complete failure.

Consequences
Such events trigger my automatic dread reflex instantly, and, with a sinking heart, I know that this dread will be with me day and night for months. In fact, I will never fully recover from it. Another relationship which may have offered a little hope, or at least some brief social contact, has been permanently destroyed.

This constant checking and the suppression of every impulse helps to prevent me from breaking unspoken social rules, so I can feel relatively acceptable to others. Unfortunately, as it is entirely habitual, I do it even when I am alone.

Rumination
After each such event I ruminate endlessly about what happened, feeling terrible about what I said or did. The mishap brings an end to any hope of being at all acceptable to the person concerned. It means the permanent loss of our relationship as it was before.

When this happens in a group setting, it spells the immediate end of my efforts to belong to the group in which it occurred, because I will avoid the person concerned as much as possible from that point onwards. I will dread even bumping into them in the street. If the disaster happens in a church setting, I will not be able to go to that church any more, which is a major, personal loss. Everything I had painstaking tried to build up there is over in a moment.

The aftermath
Afterwards, as soon as I can, I write to the person concerned, taking full responsibility for what happened, and apologising wholeheartedly. However, I can never face them again with any degree of confidence at all. Having seriously misjudged what was acceptable to them, nothing can ever make the relationship right again.

After apologising, I live with my rumination and dread for as many weeks as I can, feeling horribly anxious, sleeping badly, and getting more and more depressed. Eventually, there is no choice but to return to my therapist to work through all that went wrong, in the hope of somehow setting myself free from the emotional torment. This makes every social blunder very expensive, both emotionally and financially.

Today I am facing the start of my Autism assessment process.

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36; NIV).

A reading from Luke 4:16-21; NIV.
When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD’s favor has come.” He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”

Blame

Ruth Kirk

They hated me without cause (John 15:25; NLT).

Just because a person blames me,
Doesn’t mean that I’ve done wrong.

Just because a person judges,
Doesn’t mean that I have failed.

Just because a person hates me,
Doesn’t mean that I’m no good.

Their opinions are their own, Lord,
So I pray for them with love.

I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! (Matthew 5:44; NLT).

I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me (Psalm 16:8; NLT).

 

What happens after we die?

Ruth Kirk

The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).

This is what I believe will happen after we die:

  • At death we will leave our bodies behind on earth, and our souls will return to God who gave them.
  • We will be judged on how we lived, how we used the genetic inheritance, bodies, minds, hearts, gifts, talents, opportunities and difficulties God gave us.
  • We will also be judged on how we treated others.
  • No matter what we have done during our lives, God is still our soul.
  • God is One, and cannot be divided. God cannot not send part of themself into eternal separation from themself.
  • When we see God as God really is, we will be deeply awed. We will humbly confess, and bitterly repent of, everything we have done which has hurt God in others.
  • God will understand and forgive us all.
  • We will forgive those who have sinned against us.
  • We will be completely healed.
  • We will be reconciled with one another, and with God.
  • We will be one with God, and with each other.

He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies (Psalm 103:3-4; NLT).

I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one – as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one (John 17:21-2; NLT). 

References

The LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul (Genesis 2:7; KJV).

I am God, and not man; the Holy One within thee (Hosea 11:9; BST).

The LORD our God, the LORD is one (Deuteronomy 6:4; NIV).

There is… one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all (Ephesians 4:5-6; NLT).

We are the temple of the living God (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT).

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

Whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me (Matthew 25:25; NIV).

We will see him as he really is (1 John 3:2; NLT).

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (John 1:9; NIV).

Suggested reading: Psalm 103.