The Prodigal Son, after Sir John Everett Millais. Engraved and printed by Dalziel Brothers in 1864.
Just as I was about to go down for breakfast two days ago, the first lines of today’s prayer struck me. I wrote them down on my iPad, then set off again, only for the next few lines to arrive before I had reached my bedroom door. This happened several times, until the whole piece was roughed out. It was an awesome experience.
Is it easier to say ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or ‘Stand up and walk’? (Matthew 9:5; NLT).
Forgiveness
Is the same as healing,
Mercy
Is the same as love,
And weakness
Is the same as strength,
When we have faith
In Christ above.
Cling to your faith in Christ (1 Timothy 1:19; NLT).
A person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ (Galatians 2:16; NLT).
References
Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love (Psalm 51:1; NLT).
When I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:10; NLT)).
God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead (Romans 4:24; NLT).
Through Christ you have come to trust in God. And you have placed your faith and hope in God because he raised Christ from the dead and gave him great glory (1 Peter 1:21; NLT).
God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father (Philippians 2:9-11; NLT).
Today’s prayer came to me most unexpectedly yesterday, whilst I was saying grace before breakfast.
Everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard (Romans 3:23; NLT).
We all have sins that shame us,
Behaviour we regret;
We all have faults and failures,
But Jesus loves us yet.
We know our inner darkness,
The things we can’t put right,
The evils on our conscience,
But Jesus is our light.
We all have guilty secrets,
We haven’t done God’s will;
We’ve judged and wounded others,
But Jesus loves us still.
We know that we are nothing,
Just grains of sand, or dust,
But through Christ comes forgiveness,
So in His name we trust.
Through this man Jesus there is forgiveness for your sins (Acts 13:38; NLT).
There is salvation in no one else! God has given no other name under heaven by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12; NLT).
Trust in God, and trust also in me (John 14:1; NLT).
References
I have come as a light to shine in this dark world, so that all who put their trust in me will no longer remain in the dark (John 12:46; NLT).
Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life” (John 8:12; NLT).
He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever (Psalm 117:2; NLT).
I am nothing but dust (Genesis 18:27; NIV).
There is forgiveness of sins for all who repent (Luke 24:47; NLT).
A reading: Romans 3:22-25; NLT.
We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood.
The Temptations of Christ in the Desert, unknown sculptor of Milanese area, ca 1580.
Yesterday, whilst I was praying without words, this prayer came to me most insistently. I wanted so much to go on being silent, but in the end was compelled to write it down.
NB: In the afternoon we managed a rare outing, so I made it into a slideshow called “Silverburn walk”. If you would like to see it, please click on this link: https://wp.me/P45bCr-e3T. Wonderful though it was at the time, it triggered a migraine, but that was inevitable.
Meanwhile, here is today’s prayer:
Come, Lord! (1 Corinthians 22:20; NLT).
Search me, O God (Psalm 139:23; NLT).
Come, Lord, search me:
Search my mind –
Reveal my sins,
Then I’ll ask your forgiveness.
Come, Lord, search me:
Search my heart –
Lay bare my coldness,
Then I’ll seek your warmth.
Come, Lord, search me:
Search my soul –
Expose my wounds,
Then I’ll entreat your healing.
Come, Lord, search me:
Search my life –
And though I’m nothing,
Make me more like you.
The Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image (2 Corinthians 3:18; NLT).
References
As we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world (1 John 4:17; NLT).
This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ (Ephesians 4:13; NLT).
We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him (Colossians 3:10; NLT).
Put on your new nature, created to be like God – truly righteous and holy (Ephesians 4:24; NLT).
God created human beings in his own image (Genesis 1:27; NLT).
You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life (Deuteronomy 28:66; NIV).
Introduction: Today’s blog is both personal and heartfelt. It summarises what I’m learning about a painful issue which has plagued me for the last 70 years. I refer here to my dread of being rejected and unloved, whether by a person or by God, as a result of my having done something wrong.
This fear started when I was very small. My mother never forgave me for anything I did which she considered to be wrong. Years later she would bring up issues from the past, still blaming me for whatever I had done that had offended her. With hand on heart, I can say that I never did anything on purpose to hurt her. I was far too afraid of her to even think of taking such a risk. In fact, I lived in mortal dread of her no longer loving me, and of her completely rejecting me.
Sadly, in parallel with this, I was taught at our local Catholic church that a recording angel noted down every sin I committed. No sin was ever forgiven, removed, or forgotten. They all went into the angel’s book, ready be held against me on judgement day.
It was clear to me that there was no escape from judgement, condemnation and rejection, either at home, beyond childhood, or after death. Perhaps it’s not surprising that I have struggled with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, phobias and dread throughout my life.
Of course, I’ve known about God’s forgiveness for a long time, but have never been able to believe it included me. Nor have I been able to “feel” forgiven, and start afresh. Rather, forgiveness has always seemed to be just for other people, as I never deserved it.
Without any hope of forgiveness, my fear of condemnation, withdrawal of love and rejection together create a sense of dread, which is triggered whenever I offend someone. Once triggered, it becomes chronic. This is the heaviest burden I have carried throughout my life, and has always been impossible to put down. It is probably the underlying cause of all my other issues.
So, here is a summary of what I’ve learned so far in my search for a way out of dread, which is essentially a search for inner peace. Each of the five points is supported by Biblical verses I find particularly helpful.
Honesty: Inner peace comes from being honest about my sins, saying sorry to the person concerned, and being reconciled to them, if at all possible. When the relevant person is not contactable, or if they are dead, I whisper to them, addressing them by name, and apologising to them, with God as my witness.
References: You desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there (Psalm 51:6; NLT).
If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-4; NLT).
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. Youwillnotreject a broken and repentant heart, O God (Psalm 51:17; NLT).
Trust: Inner peace comes from trusting God, who promises to forgive me when I repent, and never to remember my sin again. He also promises never to reject or abandon me. He is close beside me, and will comfort me, no matter what happens.
References: Trust in God, and trust also in me (John 14:1; NLT).
He forgives all my sins (Psalm 103:3; NLT).
The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29; NLT).
I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins (Hebrews 8:12; NLT).
No one is abandoned by the Lord forever (Lamentations 3:31; NLT).
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18; NIV).
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).
Conscience: Inner peace comes from facing and dealing with my sins in the ways described above, constantly aware of my behaviour, and working hard to restore my relationships, in order to maintain a clear conscience.
References: I always try to maintain a clear conscience before God and all people (Acts 24:16; NLT).
Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water (Hebrews 10:22; NIV).
Confidence: Inner peace comes from being confident that God loves me just as I am, and forever.
References: Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God (1 John 5:14; NLT).
My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident (Psalm 57:7; NLT).
He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD‘s faithfulness endures forever (Psalm 117:2; NLT).
Peace: Inner peace comes from knowing that God will never stop loving me, or reject me, so I cling to my faith in Christ.
References: The Lord is peace (Judges 6:24; NLT).
God sent his Son into the world not to condemn the world, but so that through him the world might be saved. No one who believes in him will be condemned (John 3:17-18; JB).
I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid (John 14:27; NLT).
Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear (1 Timothy 1:19; NLT).
Conclusion: I don’t think I have reached the end of this journey of exploration and discovery yet, as I’m still learning a little more day by day about how to move from dread to inner peace of mind and heart. Until I reach that goal, the dread continues, so I must do my best to say “Yes” to it, and to thank God for it.
References: “Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet Iwant your will tobedone, notmine” (Mark 14:36; NLT).
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).
He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people (Titus 2:14; NLT).
The Rosary Hospital
A large Fiat rosary for someone with sight issues, or loss of finger sensation.
Whilst praying, the morning after writing yesterday’s blog (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dKZ), I experienced God in a way that was completely new to me. It proved very difficult to express in words afterwards, but I’ve done my best:
This prayer Is like a dream of love
Beyond this world
And all I know;
A dream in which The truth is all,
Where mercy And forgiveness reign
In God, beyond my guilt And shame;
Beyond my life, Beyond my death:
One mind, one heart, One soul, one breath.
The LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became alivingsoul (Genesis 2:7; KJV).
Reference
The Spirit of God hath made me, andthebreath of the Almighty hath given me life (Job 33:4; KJV).
The life of every living thing is in his hand, and the breath of every human being (Job 12:10; NLT).
The dust returnstothe ground it came from, and thespiritreturnstoGod who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).
There is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all (Ephesians 4:4-6; NLT).
You also are complete through your union with Christ (Colossians 2:10; NLT).
A reading from Philippians 3:8-11; NLT.
Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him.
I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.
I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!
As I was beginning to surface from a bad dream early yesterday morning, I heard a voice call out my name: “Ruth!” A few moments later it happened again: “Ruth!” I felt disorientated and confused, too sleepy to respond.
Sitting on the edge of my bed (I have to stand up slowly), I tried to pray about what had happened, but I don’t think I made much sense.
Even once I began to move about, it took me several more minutes to realise that I could have answered: “Speak, Lord, your servant is listening” (1 Samuel 3:9; NLT). I prayed about this, but felt sad that I had missed my chance to respond.
After breakfast it was hard to pray for others, as discussed yesterday (here is a link: https://wp.me/p45bCr-deo). Then a possible way forward suddenly came into my mind.
Introductory prayers Using the first section of my five-decade rosary (the cross and the five beads which lead to the main circle), I kissed the cross, and used it to make the sign of the cross. Then I said five of my favourite morning prayers, one on each bead. Pausing at the centrepiece, I asked the Holy Spirit to direct my prayers, and to help me to pray.
First decade: Praying for others Next, I held the first bead of the first decade whilst praying for the first person who came into my mind. After each bead, I moved on to the next, waiting to see who it was for, then praying for them, as described in the link above.
When I reached the fixed “Our Father” bead, I kissed it, and made the sign of the cross with it again, whilst saying: “Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. Amen.” Then I rested for a moment with my arms crossed on my breast, wondering what would come next.
Second decade: Giving thanks
Almost immediately, I saw that the next decade was for giving thanks, so that’s exactly what I did. On each bead, I waited to see what came into my mind, then gave thanks for it. I knew that this could include saying thank-you for “bad” things, as well as “good” ones.
Half-way through the second decade, I saw what needed to come next: asking God’s forgiveness. Pausing to write this down, I continued giving thanks, until the next “Glory be”, when I rested again.
Third decade: Saying sorry, and asking forgiveness On the next group of beads, I said I was sorry for ten different things I had got wrong, one at a time, including my long-standing flaws and weaknesses. I asked God’s forgiveness and help on each bead, as before.
Fourth decade: Forgiving others By the time I reached this point, I was tiring, but could see that the next ten beads would be about forgiving others. In fact there was no one at all I needed to forgive, so I moved straight on to the last ten beads.
Fifth decade: Praising God The final decade was devoted to praising ten different aspects of God, which was very easy to do.
Conclusion I’m hoping that this way of using my rosary might be particularly helpful when praying with words feels like an unmanageable task, or I’m finding it hard to concentrate. Holding the beads one at a time will hopefully help to keep me centred and grounded. It also limits the number of prayers on each subject to ten, though obviously this shouldn’t be too rigid.
The prayer on each bead will be as short, honest and direct as I can make it, so it will hopefully be possible to develop a momentum that keeps me moving forwards to the next prayer, and the next, rather than getting bogged down, or feeling overwhelmed and giving up. Finally, I plan to try starting and ending my circle of prayer by holding the cross during a period of silence.
Context: A few days ago I woke early, giving me the luxury of time to spend with Jesus, and out of that time, this little prayer gently arose:
Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed (Mark 1:35; NIV).
It’s good to lie awake with you, Lord Jesus,
To pray, and reunite, and hear your voice.
It’s good to share this time with you, Lord Jesus:
Despite my trials and sorrows, to rejoice.
It’s good to say I’m sorry, ask forgiveness,
And beg you, Lord, to help us live in peace.
It’s good to spend this time alone with you, Lord,
Until the day when time, for me, will cease.
Behold, I am with you every day, even unto the end of time (Matthew 28:20; ABPE).
References
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).
I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid (John 14:27; NLT).
The Lord is peace (Judges 6:24; NLT).
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).
Context: In dreams, I very rarely say or do anything overtly Christian, which seems both surprising and sad.
Yesterday morning I woke from a complicated, stressful dream, longing to pray. However, even before I could begin, this blog started to arrive. I tried hard to ignore it, which was impossible. It quickly became so loud and insistent that I had to give in, and write it down, like this:
I want to be a Christian In my dreams,
To turn to you, and pray, Lord,
In my dreams;
To ask for your forgiveness
In my dreams,
Love others, Lord, and serve you – In my dreams.
I want to be a Christian In my dreams,
So I can praise and thank you
In my dreams;
To revel in your presence
In my dreams,
And welcome all that happens – In my dreams.
I want to be a Christian
In my dreams,
Then I will see your face, Lord,
In my dreams.
I’ll worship without ceasing
In my dreams,
And live in heaven on earth, Lord – In my dreams.
Rosary news:
Well, since my most recent failure I’ve thought hard about rosary-making, watched some more YouTube videos, talked with my friend in the UK, and had a Zoom consultation with a lovely consecrated Sister who knows her rosaries. Then I threw the (metaphorical) rule-book into the (metaphorical) bin, and put together my own way of doing it, with the following result:
It seems very strong, and I’m tempted to ask my husband to test its joints, but don’t yet feel quite tough enough to deal with the disappointment if it immediately comes apart like the last one. Maybe I’ll ask him tomorrow….
NB: In the end, I plucked up my courage, he tested it, and it’s still in one piece so far!
Context: This little prayer came to me on 28.10.22, well before I consciously registered that All Souls’ Day was fast approaching. I had to smile at God’s advance planning! It forms a pair with yesterday’s blog (https://wp.me/p45bCr-cIe).
The Messiah also died once for the sake of our sins, the Righteous One in the place of sinners, to bring you to God, and he died in body and lived in his Spirit. And he preached to those souls who were held in Sheol, those who from the first were not convinced (1 Peter 3; 18-19; PHBT).
Lord,
Heal the souls
Of all the dead –
Don’t punish them:
Forgive, I beg.
Lord, surely
They have cried
Enough? Your arms
Are open wide,
For you, alone,
Are love and grace:
Please welcome all
With your embrace.
I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.” So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him (Luke 15:18-20; NLT).
References
The Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost (Luke 19:10; NLT).
God wants everyone to be saved and to know the whole truth (1 Timothy 2:4; CEV).
Then I called on the name of Yahweh: “Yahweh, I beg you, deliver my soul” (Psalm 116:4; WEB).
God is love (1 John 4:16; NLT).
By God’sgrace, Jesus tasted death for everyone (Hebrews 2:9; NLT).
First reading: Psalm 16:7-11; NLT
I will bless the LORD who guides me;
Even at night my heart instructs me.
I know the LORD is always with me.
I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice.
My body rests in safety.
For you will not leave my soul among the dead
Or allow your holy one to rot in the grave.
You will show me the way of life,
Granting me the joy of your presence
And the pleasures of living with you forever.
Second reading: Psalm 103:1-4; NLT
Let all that I am praise the LORD;
With my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
Let all that I am praise the LORD;
May I never forget the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases.
He redeems me from death,
