Category: Dread

Worship (for F.)

Ruth Kirk

Clouds and thick darkness surround him (Psalm 97:2; NIV).

Moses went into the darkness where God was (Exodus 20:21; BST).

❤️

Worship in darkness,
And worship in pain;

Worship in loneliness;
Worship in grief.

Worship in anguish,
And worship in fear;

Worship in sorrow –
For Jesus is here.

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Worship in hunger,
And worship in thirst;

Worship in suffering;
Worship in dread.

Worship in sickness,
And worship in loss;

Worship in dying –
With Christ, on the cross.

❤️

Since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering (Romans 8:17; NLT).

I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath (Psalm 146:2; NLT).

References

I kept my faith, even when I said, “I am greatly afflicted” (Psalm 116:10; RSV).

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other (Ecclesiastes 7:14; NIV).

A wise person thinks a lot about death (Ecclesiastes 7:4; NLT).

Whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord (Romans 14:8; NIV).

Update

Ruth Kirk

Hello at all readers. Thank you for still visiting here, despite my long absence. I last posted here on the 22nd of May, the day I started taking an additional antidepressant and anxiolytic to help me cope with my persistent, severe dread.

This problem dates back to my earliest childhood. I understand it well, and have worked for years to gain insight into it. I have had massive amounts of therapy of every possible kind that might help, including, most recently, clinical hypnotherapy. However, nothing has ever enabled me to overcome my emotions, or to live with them more comfortably.

When I realised I could go on no longer, I accepted the additional drug my doctor prescribed. For the first few weeks this drug was quite helpful. However, as soon as I started taking it, I lost all ability to pray, to hear God’s voice, and to write.

To begin with, of course, I did not know that these losses would continue, but that is, in fact, the case. Slowly, I am learning to rely on much-loved prayers I memorised long ago. Now I am trying to build a new life without the easy sense of oneness with God which sustained me for so many years, and without the daily inspiration which generated all the resources on this website.

In the last couple of weeks I have also started to face a new issue. As my body and mind grow accustomed to the new drug, anxiety and depression are creeping back. This means that the dose may soon need to be increased. Tomorrow I am due to report back to my GP, so it will be interesting to see what she advises.

All this leaves the future of Take Heart still unsettled. Last week a longstanding follower very kindly wrote to me. His letter prompted me to post this message here today, and to think more clearly about the future. One possibility is that my blog could resume in a new form, perhaps as an honest spiritual and mental health journal. Meanwhile, I continue to inhabit and explore my new spiritual territory – a life without any of the easy closeness to Christ I used to love so much.

Do let me know if you think this might be helpful to you.
With much love, from Ruth xxx

A message to all my readers

Ruth Kirk

Hello to everyone who visits this page. Some of you will know that I have been struggling with severe anxiety, dread, and depression over recent months. This has been going on ever since my childhood dread was re-triggered by something which happened on Facebook.

Today I finally saw my doctor, who is starting me on a new, extra medication. She has also referred me for consultant-level help. She and I will speak again in two weeks, unless I need urgent help before that. The new medication will take at least 4-6 weeks to start having an effect, so it’s essential that I also start learning to be gentler and kinder to myself.

Accordingly, I’m pressing “pause” on my regular writing and daily posting here, so I can focus on my own recovery by giving my body, mind, heart, and soul the rest I desperately need.

Meanwhile, all the existing posts will stay right here, in case anything in the archives is helpful to others while I’m quiet for a while.

✝️ With much love, and many blessings to you all,
From Ruth xxx

Burnt out

Ruth Kirk

You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life (Deuteronomy 28:66; NIV).

I’m burnt out by anxiety,
My strength consumed by dread,
For stress has been my closest friend,
And fear my daily bread.

I’m damaged by abuse, Lord,
Though I’ve fought hard to repair
The consequence: no self-esteem,
Depression, and despair.

Despite my agoraphobia
I’ve done the best I could.
This life has been a challenge,
Though I’ve tried to do some good.

In spite of sickness, pain, and loss,
I’ve tackled each ordeal –
Now I’m worn down by suffering,
But you will come to heal.

Darkness is my closest friend (Psalm 88:18; NLT).

He will heal us (Hosea 6:1; NLT).

Negative emotions

Ruth Kirk

Yesterday, while I was having a reflexology treatment for ongoing, severe, free-floating anxiety, a series of insights flooded my mind. By the end of the session, my hair was standing on end, and I experienced an ecstasy of a kind I have never felt before. It was clear that my self-understanding and potential for self-help had taken a very significant step forwards.

This is the essence of what I scribbled down as the waves of insight arrived:

Dear Baby Ruth,

I am here all the time to help you face, experience, express, listen to, understand, and learn from your negative emotions. You will never have to handle them alone again.

Negative emotions are the mind’s version of physical pain and discomfort. They are signals which show us what needs attention, so we can get back to a comfortable balance-point. Babies cannot manage this task alone.

When you were little, you had to face your emotional signals without a safe grown‑up beside you. Our mother could not cope with your anxiety, fear, disappointment, distress, dread, and panic.

To her, your feelings were an inconvenient, annoying, time-wasting problem to be impatiently judged, scorned, and dismissed, rather than messages to be listened to or cared for. She bitterly resented your dependence and neediness. It’s not surprising that you still respond to life’s challenges with intense, endless, overwhelming anxiety.

But from today, things are going to be different. I am here with you now, to be the adult you need. I will help you to feel your emotions safely, so you are not overwhelmed or annihilated by them.

I will not scorn you, despise you, shout at you, or angrily force you into terrifying situations. Rather, I will make time to listen patiently, to support, reassure and comfort you. I will protect you the very best I can. This is how we will live together from now on, even if you never feel any different to how you do at present.

Baby Ruth, your emotions are not a stupid, childish, distressing personal failure – they are my priority. They are precious information about what matters to you, and what you need. However confused, uncomfortable, or intense they are, I promise to do my very best to help.

When your anxiety is high, I will remind you: “You are not alone any more. I am here, holding you safely. We can experience this together, breathing through it one moment at a time.”

Finally, and best of all, I want you to know that Jesus will be doing exactly the same for us both! Yes, Baby Ruth, Jesus has his arms around us. No matter what happens, he is with us, he is one with us, and we are safe in his love forever.

With all my love and care,
From the grown-up Ruth who is always here for you now xxx

Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children” (Luke 18:16; NLT).

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

References

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30; KJV).

Remember, I am with you always (Matthew 28:20; CSB).

Little Ruth

Ruth Kirk

My generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) is very bad. It’s been like this ever since it was thoroughly re-triggered a few months ago when a stranger criticised me online. When I was praying yesterday, this blog came into my mind and heart. It shares how I am now learning to talk to my emotionally abused and damaged inner child.

This part of me was formed by how I was spoken to, screamed at, and treated in my family of origin. My aim is become as gentle, kind, supportive, patient, and loving to my inner child as Jesus was to the children brought to him.

This kind of prayerful reflection is often called “inner child work”, and involves imagining how we can gently care for the younger, perhaps wounded, parts of ourselves.

One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him. When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children …

Little Ruth, you are very small and vulnerable, but I am 73 and have had lots of experience of life. Even if you never feel any less anxious and depressed than you do at present, I will still be here all the time to take care of you. What is more, I share this task with Jesus, who looks after us both.

I am here to help you with all your physical and emotional needs by:

  • Setting boundaries and limits with other people.
  • Saying no when necessary.
  • Providing warmth, food, water, clothing, shelter, play, rest, sleep, and social contact.
  • Protecting you.
  • Reassuring you.
  • Comforting you.
  • Supporting you while you face your fears.
  • Encouraging you to explore, learn, and grow.
  • Enabling you to reach your full potential.
  • Listening to you.
  • Seeing you.
  • Knowing you.
  • Understanding you.
  • Sharing your experiences and emotions without being overwhelmed by them, so you can come to understand them safely, including anxiety, depression, fear, dread, and panic.
  • Praising you.
  • Loving you.

… I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them (Mark 10:13-16; NLT).

As I write to Little Ruth, perhaps you can also picture the younger, more vulnerable part of yourself – the one who learned to be anxious, afraid, or on guard, so early in life. You might like to imagine Jesus welcoming that child, just as he welcomed the children brought to him, then gently joining him in offering them warmth, safety and love.

If you wish, you could even write your own letter, promising to stay with that child in their fear, and to speak to them with the kindness and patience you may never have received.

My prayer is that as we learn to care for these small, wounded, frightened parts of ourselves with Jesus, we will discover a little more of the tenderness of God’s Kingdom, which belongs to such as these.

Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the LORD delivers them in times of trouble (Psalm 41:1; NIV).

The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-3; NLT).

My offering

Ruth Kirk

Today’s prayer comes from a place of a really bad patch of migraines, anxiety, sadness and long‑standing wounds. As I offer my scars and fears to Jesus, I pray it may help you bring your own pain to him as well.

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6; NLT).

I offer my past –
It’s an angry scar –
To you: my way,
And my guiding star.

I offer the dread
Of my darkest night –
To you: my truth,
And my shining light.

I offer my cross,
And my bitter pain –
To you: the Christ,
Who rose again.

I offer my thoughts,
My heart, and soul –
To you: my Lord,
My life, and my goal.

“My Lord and my God!” Thomas exclaimed (John 20:28; NLT).

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14; NIV).

Here, in stillness

Ruth Kirk

Be still in the presence of the LORD (Psalm 37:7; NLT).

Here, in stillness,
Here, in silence,
Here, in darkness –
You are light. 

Here, in splendour,
Here, in rapture,
Here, in oneness –
You are truth.

Here, in trouble,
Here, in failure,
Here, in ruin –
You are peace.

Here, in sorrow,
Here, in longing,
Here, in anguish –
You are love.

God is love (1 John 4:16; NLT).

References

God is light (1 John 1:5; NLT).

The Spirit is truth (1 John 5:6; NKJV).

The Lord is peace (Judges 6:24; NLT).

Dread and distress

Ruth Kirk

You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life (Deuteronomy 28:66; NIV).

In the morning you shall say, “Would that it were evening!” And at evening you shall say, “Would that it were morning!” because of the dread of your heart (Deuteronomy 28:67; LSB).

Lord Jesus,

  • Let’s look after my acute dread and distress together – as if these emotions were a small child we’ve found wandering alone.
  • She’s injured, confused and weak. She’s hungry, thirsty and cold. She’s traumatised, terrified and lost.
  • Let’s do all we can to take care of her, whilst waiting patiently for her to trust us, and to let us help her.
  • Let’s offer her consistent comfort and protection; understanding, healing and love.
  • Let’s make room for her to be just as she is, listening to all she has to teach us. Then, let’s do the same for everyone we encounter in our daily shared life.

Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children” (Luke 18:16; NLT).

Patient endurance

Ruth Kirk

We are all fragile, fallible, and mortal. Today, in prayer, I saw clearly that the purpose of life is to face its inevitable challenges, sorrows, and sufferings, learning to accept and endure them as patiently as we can, while still loving and serving Jesus in others. This was Christ’s mission, and it is ours as well, for Jesus is resurrected in us all.

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me (Matthew 25:40; NIV).

So here is today’s prayer:

I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5; NLT).

You make us,
You see us,
And hear us.

You know us,
You guide us,
And help us.

You feed us,
You love us,
And hold us.

You wound us,
You teach us,
And heal us.

Look now; I myself am he! There is no other god but me! I am the one who kills and gives life; I am the one who wounds and heals; no one can be rescued from my powerful hand! (Deuteronomy 32:39; NLT).

References

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).

Though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself any more, but your eyes shall see your Teacher (Isaiah 30:20; RSV).

May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ (2 Thessalonians 3:5; NLT).

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised (Hebrews 10:36; NLT).

Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? (Romans 2:4; NLT).