Category: dread

7.9.23: Golden darkness

Ruth Kirk
ivoxis: Pixabay.

Yesterday morning, as I greeted my icons one by one, the first words of this prayer came directly into my mind. These verses attempt to describe experiencing the presence of Christ during wordless prayer: in life, whilst dying, and in paradise. We can dip in and out of this experience until we die, but after death it will be all we know, and all we want to know.

Be silent before the LORD, all humanity.
(Zechariah 2:13; NLT). 

Moses approached the thick darkness where God was.
(Exodus 20:21; NLT).

1. Golden darkness deep within,
Far from stress, and shame and sin:
Lost in worship, bliss and peace
We rest, in life, with Christ, our Priest.

2. Golden splendour all about,
Letting go of dread and doubt:
Lost in rapture, joy and love
We walk, with Christ, to heaven above.

3. Golden glory all around,
Free from pain, with mercy crowned:
Lost in ecstasy, we soar
To join with Christ, for evermore.

Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever (1 Thessalonians 4:17; NLT).

References

1: Life

I will give you the treasures of darkness and riches from secret places so that you may know that I am the Lord (Isaiah 45:3; CSB).

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves (2 Corinthians 4:7; NLT). 

Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls (Matthew 11:28-9; NLT).

We have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God (Hebrews 4:14; NLT). 

2: Dying

Suddenly, an angel of the Lord appeared among them, and the radiance of the Lord’s glory surrounded them (Luke 2:9; NLT). 

Worship the LORD in all his holy splendor (1 Chronicles 16:29; NLT). 

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings (Hebrews 10:22; NIV). 

Jesus’ appearance was transformed, and his clothes became dazzling white, far whiter than any earthly bleach could ever make them (Mark 9:2-3; NLT).

Jesus said to his disciples: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God still, and trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s house; if there were not, I should have told you. I am going now to prepare a place for you, and after I have gone and prepared you a place, I shall return to take you with me; so that where I am you may be too” (John 14:1-3; JB).

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; KJV).

The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV). 

3: Beyond death

The Son radiates God’s own glory and expresses the very character of God (Hebrews 1:3; NLT). 

He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies (Psalm 103:4; NLT).

Those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31; NLT).

Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him (Philippians 3:8-9; NLT). 

28.4.23: Honest prayer #1

Ruth Kirk
Studies of a woman praying, by Ludwig Emil Grimm, Creative Commons.

Today’s blog is the first in a series of three, each of which considers the vital importance of honesty in prayer.

Honesty

The Bible makes it plain that God wants us to be completely honest in prayer, rather than trying to offer a sanitised, partial, or censored version of ourselves as we think God wants us to be: 

You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).

Personally, I find it a relief to share everything with God, including my sins, and the shadow parts of myself I would rather keep hidden, or whose existence I would prefer to ignore or deny. Although sharing all this can be painful, it is vital for my ongoing process of inner healing. 

For me, prayer means living in awareness of God’s constant presence, listening, learning, and sharing with God all I experience, feel, think, say and do. This is a relationship in which self-censorship, pretence, concealment and denial are pointless, as God already knows everything about me:

Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely (Psalm 139:4; NIV).

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me (Psalm 139:1; NLT).

I therefore want my communion with God to be constant, spontaneous, immediate, heartfelt, direct and raw. This requires continuous awareness of what is going on in my shadow, as well as in my more “public” face.

My shadow

Long experience has shown me that when I don’t acknowledge, and deal with, the contents of my shadow, they make their presence felt through unbidden thoughts and impulses, anxiety, dread, panic attacks, depression and bad dreams.

Paying conscious attention to these aspect of myself and exploring their underlying causes helps me to connect with them more fully. This enables me to pray about them, and take action to resolve them. For example, if I remember an unconfessed sin, I can confess it in prayer, then try to make amends by following Jesus’ teaching:

If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-4; NIV). 

Looking ahead

Tomorrow I plan to publish the second part of this series on honest prayer. It will look at Jesus’ shadow, and how he dealt with it. Meanwhile, let’s end with a short reading:

A reading: Psalm 66:16-20; NLT

Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what he did for me. For I cried out to him for help, praising him as I spoke. If I had not confessed the sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But God did listen! He paid attention to my prayer. Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw his unfailing love from me.

24.4.23: Saying “Yes” to dread

Ruth Kirk
Image by Tobias Hämmer, from Pixabay.

There they are, overwhelmed with dread, where there was nothing to dread (Psalm 53:5; NIV). 

Introduction

For the last few weeks I have been exploring my chronic sense of *dread (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dTm, for example). Today’s blog describes a way of handling it which came to me whilst I was praying a few days ago.

Psalm 74

My dread springs from the trauma and emotional damage I experienced when I was young. A passage in Psalm 74 accurately captures the toxic atmosphere in my childhood home:

Turn your steps toward these everlasting ruins, all this destruction the enemy has brought on the sanctuary. Your foes roared in the place where you met with us; they set up their standards as signs. They behaved like men wielding axes to cut through a thicket of trees. They smashed all the carved paneling with their axes and hatchets. They burned your sanctuary to the ground; they defiled the dwelling place of your Name. They said in their hearts, “We will crush them completely!” They burned every place where God was worshiped in the land (Psalm 74:3-8; NIV). 

Praying before my icon

Last Wednesday I stood praying before my icon of Mary. As I touched both her hand and that of the infant Christ, I was longing for my dread to disappear. Suddenly I saw a different attitude to living with my dread. Thanking her, I hurried to write it down.

My notes became a prayer which encapsulates this new way forward. Now, I am trying to say, “Yes” to my dread, and to thank God for it, in accordance with the charism of the Community of Our Lady of Walsingham (p10, The Book of Life, Community of Our Lady of Walsingham; 2022). 

Saying “Yes” to dread

So instead of longing for my dread go away, I now pray like this:

Lord, thank you for my sense of dread. It kept me safe when I was young, never knowing when, or where, the axe of my mother’s fury would fall next.

Please help me to welcome and accept my dread, surrounding it with love and gratitude. I want to rejoice in it as my oldest friend: the primitive, instinctive part of me that has protected me since birth.

Healing touch

After saying a spontaneous version of these words, I lay my hand on my abdomen and whisper to my dread: 

My dearest friend, you can relax now. You no longer need to be constantly vigilant, ready to make me freeze, run away, or hide, in order to protect myself. You and I are in God’s hands, and we are safe now, no matter what happens.

A final prayer

Then I end like this:

Lord, thank you for my dread. Please help me to surround it with love. I ask this in your dear Son’s name. Amen.

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

References 

*The symptoms of Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), include “A pervasive feeling of apprehension or dread” (helpguide.org).

All your waves and breakers have swept over me (Psalm 42:7; NIV).

I am in the hands of the Lord, the Most High is my safe resting-place (Psalm 91:9; BBE).

19.4.23: Moving on

Ruth Kirk
Image by Manuel Darío Fuentes Hernández, from Pixabay.

Last Sunday, at the end of a late-night writing session, I suddenly began to receive today’s prayer. It’s taken me three days to express it in a way that fully and accurately reflects what I saw.

The background to this blog is that for several weeks I have been living with a constant sense of dread. This sensation was triggered by a dream which called to mind a sin I committed many years ago. I had never confessed it to the person concerned.

Despite having now been honest with that person, who forgave me immediately, the sense of dread has continued. Long experience has shown that once my dread has been re-triggered, it can continue for many months. Unable to “feel” forgiven, I simply continue to be extremely anxious. Sadly, I have never found out how to “let go” of this dread, so I can move on.

Mercifully, today’s prayer offers a way to begin moving forward, which I’m now practicing repeatedly, many times each day.

He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit (Titus 3:5; NLT).

I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more (Hebrews 8:12; NIV).

Lord,

You’ve washed away my sin,
And promised to remember it
No more.

Having sent it far away,
You love me just as deeply
As before.

This time, I won’t wait,
And only feel forgiven
When my dread has passed –

Instead, I’ll try repeatedly
To trust your promise,
And move on, at last.

In God – I boast in his promise – in God I trust, I am not afraid (Psalm 56:4; NET).

God willing, we will move forward to further understanding (Hebrews 6:3; NLT).

References 

He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people (Titus 2:14; NLT). 

Who am I? I’m the one who wipes out your offenses! For my own sake, I do not remember your wrongs (Isaiah 43:25; TIB). 

The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29; NLT).

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12; NLT).

He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever (Psalm 117:2; NLT). 

Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me (John 14:1; NLT).

He forgives all my sins (Psalm 103:3; NLT).

The Rosary Hospital 

Yesterday’s fiat rosary is now finished.

18.4.23: Always with me

Ruth Kirk
Wikimedia

This prayer began to arrive last Tuesday, during a physiotherapy session. I had to remember it whilst having treatment on my back, neck and knees until I could jot it down afterwards. Fortunately, the following day gave me time to work on it.

“I myself will be a wall of fire around it,” declares the LORD, “and I will be its glory within” (Zechariah 2:5; NIV).

All around me, and within,
Free from blame, Lord, and from sin,
You are with me, come what may:
I’ll listen for your voice today.

Deep within me, and without,
Free from dread, Lord, and from doubt,
You are with me, come what may:
I’ll hear you gladly, and obey.

So, before me, and beside,
You instruct me, Lord, and guide,
Always with me, come what may:
So I’ll give thanks, rejoice and pray.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; NIV).

References 

There is …one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all (Ephesians 4:5-6; NLT).

I am with you always (Matthew 28:20; NLT). 

This is my dearly loved Son, who brings me great joy. Listen to him (Matthew 17:5; NLT). 

God is with those who obey him (Psalm 14:5; NLT).

He guides me along right paths (Psalm 23:3; NLT). 

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).

8.4.23: I can’t be whole (for J.)

Ruth Kirk
LongShadows. Self-portrait of photographer with friend. Lackland AFB, San Antonio, Texas (November 2006). Photo by Peter Rimar; Wikimedia.

Today’s verses came to me yesterday morning as I lay in silent prayer shortly after waking up. They arrived with an involuntary groan, and struck me to the heart.

If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-4; NLT). 

I can’t be whole without my shadow, Lord,
Without the parts I bury and deny.
For you know all about me, good and bad:
The sins I haven’t faced, which underlie

The guilt and shame tormenting me within,
My sharp regrets, my cowardice and dread
Of being honest, Lord, with those I’ve hurt.
Please help me to confess at last, instead.

Accepting all the anger I deserve,
I’ll say I’m sorry, ceasing to defend
Myself against the truth of every wrong,
And then my shadow will become my friend.

With you, I’ll face the darkness in my soul;
My conscience will be healed, then I’ll be whole.

He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole (Job 5:18; NKJV). 

References 

Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely (Psalm 139:4; NIV).

I know every thought that comes into your minds (Ezekiel 11:5; NLT).

He knows the secrets of every heart (Psalm 44:21; NLT).

The LORD’s light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive (Proverbs 20:27; NLT).

You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).

Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked (1 Timothy 1:19; NLT). 

The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith (1 Timothy 1:5; NLT).

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; KJV).

Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear (1 Timothy 1:19; NLT).

The Rosary Hospital 

Yesterday evening I enjoyed making a long, chunky Fiat rosary, suitable for someone with sensory issues of sight or touch. Fiat rosaries don’t usually have a centrepiece, and in making this one, I discovered a way of managing without, which was new for me. I particularly like the heavy cross, which came as part of a donation of used and broken rosaries. My warm thanks to its generous donor.

31.3.23: A dream of unconditional love

Ruth Kirk

Introduction

For several weeks I have been living with a constant, painful sense of dread, which began after a particularly disturbing dream. Last Wednesday I talked this over with a wise, spiritual woman. All that day, I had a headache, which progressed to a migraine by bedtime, leading to a very disturbed night. Early next morning I had a vivid dream about my father, which is a very rare occurrence for me, as we were never close. I have no memories of him asking me about myself, touching, kissing, or embracing me.

The dream

In the dream, my father and I were standing next to a car in a country park. Within the park there was a sports centre, built on top of a steep hill. He wanted to walk there, whereas I needed to continue in the car, as I wasn’t strong enough to climb the hill. We therefore agreed to split up, meeting again shortly at the centre.

The car took me quickly up the hill, but my father didn’t arrive as expected, and I gradually became more and more concerned about him. Aware that he had already suffered two heart attacks, I feared he might have had a third on the hill, and be lying somewhere needing help, or even dead.

Then, at last, he arrived. We hugged tightly for a long time, sharing a deep, reciprocal closeness. While we were hugging, he kept murmuring in my ear gently, quietly and comfortingly. Although I can’t remember what he said, his words and tone of voice were soothing and reassuring.

In the dream, I knew that my mother was dead, but as the hug continued, I felt for the first time ever that this man was my father and my mother, all at once. It was an entirely novel sensation for me, both physically and emotionally. I also experienced love for him, and because of the way he was holding me I was confident that he loved me, too. During our hug I felt safe, loved, satisfied and complete.

Waking up

After waking up, I realised that my dream had given me a first, brief glimpse of God’s unconditional love. This left me stunned. It’s something I have known about intellectually for a long time, but I haven’t truly experienced it before this dream.

As truly as God is our Father, so truly is God our Mother (Julian of Norwich).

He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD‘s faithfulness endures forever. Praise the LORD! (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

11.2.23: Healing through dreams

Ruth Kirk

God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it. He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds (Job 33:14-15; NLT). 

Forgotten dreams

In prayer yesterday, I saw that when I can’t remember a dream, I can be sure that it contained nothing I need to know about or deal with at present. 

The same is also true when I remember a dream, but no significant theme or emotion stands out. After thanking God for these quiet dreams, I simply let them go. Experience shows that any vague fragments I recall will quickly fade from consciousness.

Recurring dreams

Even if I miss or forget something significant, I’m confident that it will emerge repeatedly in my dreams until I’m ready and able to catch hold of what it has to teach me. This is because the contents of my unconscious mind (memories, traumatic experiences, hidden desires, buried emotions etc), are constantly present, even though I’m not conscious of them. They bubble away beyond awareness, constantly influencing all I feel, think, say and do. They affect how I understand and judge my past, how I react to events in the present, and how I approach the future. They help to determine how I experience life, and how I relate to others.

If I had to face all the contents of my unconscious mind at once, I’m sure I they would overwhelm me. I would become very disturbed, and break down. On the other hand, if I tried to avoid facing them altogether, I would be unable to change, grow and move forward in my life.

Gradual healing, through dreams

Given time, I believe that every significant unresolved experience, trauma and emotion buried in my unconscious mind will gradually be revealed in my dreams. This natural process will continue until I have remembered them all, named them, and written them down. This will enable me to face them one at a time, bring them into the light of my prayers, and asking God to heal them. Thus, through dreams, these issues will no longer remain hidden in darkness, until symptoms such as panic, loss of temper, or despair erupt uncontrollably and without warning, apparently from nowhere.

Cause for rejoicing

So when I check my notebook each morning, I rejoice to see what has been harvested from my unconscious mind during the night. Despite no longer remembering the dreams themselves, their major themes have been safely retrieved and made accessible, ready for prayer. This is all I need.

No surprises for God

Of course, there are no surprises for God in all that surfaces; only for me. This is because God already knows the thoughts of my heart and everything about me that is hidden from conscious awareness. With dreams as my way forward, it’s wonderful to know that even my unconscious mind is being healed.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me (Psalm 139:1; NLT).

References 

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

5.2.23: Bad dreams

Ruth Kirk

Introduction

Every night, just before I settle down to sleep, I ask God to help me be a Christian in my dreams, to know Christ’s constant presence there, and even to see his face. I started doing this because for the last six months or so nearly all of my dreams have been vivid, disturbing, distressing and sometimes frightening.

Looking back

I began writing about this issue on the 27th of October 2022. If you would like to look back through this thread, here are the links to some relevant blogs:

27.10.22: Dreams: https://wp.me/p45bCr-cHj

12.11.22: A dream (for E.M.): https://wp.me/p45bCr-cPy

24.11.22: In my dreams: https://wp.me/p45bCr-cVN

6.12.22: In my dreams: https://wp.me/p45bCr-cZ0

9.1.23: Bad dreams: https://wp.me/p45bCr-d5w

Starting to understand 

Yesterday, at last, I started to understand the purpose of these dreams:

Through them I repeatedly face situations, relationships, dilemmas, difficulties and turning-points which are similar in essence to those I have actually experienced during my life. So, as I work through these challenges again and again in my dreams, I have many opportunities to practice dealing with them more effectively.

In the past

In the past, when alarming things happened to me in real life, I simply reacted instinctively, like a cornered animal, unable to think about, or to control, my response.

Depending on the particular circumstances, my behavioural repertoire included getting upset, losing my temper, panicking, running away, anxious avoidance, being filled with dread, and saying nothing to the person concerned.

Sadly, none of these makes for a happy, healthy emotional life. Indeed, they create further issues by exacerbating and perpetuating existing problems. I can say this with complete confidence because I’ve spent my life wrestling with such issues, and struggling to overcome them.

New learning

However, to my delight, I’m now beginning to gain some significant insight into my bad dreams:

Firstly, they help me to connect my psychological issues with the serious damage done to my conscious and unconscious mental development by my mother’s emotional abuse.

Secondly, now aged 70, I observe that at last I’m beginning to react differently to challenging events in my dreams. This suggests that the assertiveness skills and emotional stability I have consciously worked so hard to acquire and develop as an adult are now slowly being integrated into my unconscious mind as well. I attribute this change to the prayer I say each night before sleeping, and thank God for this very significant form of gradual healing – the healing of my bad dreams.

One major theme

One theme that really stands out for me is the difference it makes when I speak out openly, directly and honestly in my dreams, rather than feeling helpless, powerless, silenced, weak and afraid. 

It’s easy to see that the pattern of fear, silence and avoidance, unconsciously developed for the sake of self-preservation during my childhood, has been the underlying cause of my long history of anxiety, depression, panic attacks and phobias, especially the agoraphobia and claustrophobia which have characterised and dominated my life.

Understanding this makes me realise, yet again, that God really does bring good from everything, even, in my case, the mental suffering and ingrained defence mechanisms which result from having a narcissistic, controlling and emotionally abusive mother. 

Conclusion

My guess is that as I become able to deal more skilfully with the difficult situations arising in my dreams, the bad ones will gradually cease. However, even if they continue, their fear factor will be greatly reduced by my responses to them being very different. So yesterday I added a new line to my final prayer of the day:

Lord, 

Please let me know your presence in my dreams. Whatever I experience in my sleep, may I face it with you, and deal with it as a Christian, speaking the truth in love directly, openly, confidently, and honestly.

I ask this through your own dear name. Amen.

STOP PRESS: Last night I had a potentially very distressing dream about being lost in London, exhausted and unable to walk. This is a standard agoraphobic/chronic illness nightmare for me. To my amazement, on waking, I remembered how I was able to ask for help from a stranger, and that although I was fully aware of my situation, I wasn’t afraid. Isn’t that truly amazing?

References

God gave Daniel the special ability to interpret the meanings of visions and dreams (Daniel 1:17; NLT).

God can tell you what it means and set you at ease (Genesis 41:16; NLT).

Keep on seeking, and you will find (Luke 11:9; NLT).

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NKJV).

We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28; NLT).

Fun with fermenting

Yesterday I looked carefully at my raisin starter, and found tall, thin filaments of mould growing on it, so, sadly, it had to go into the bin. However, I’m still confidently making my usual yoghurt and buttermilk, so I haven’t given up fermenting altogether.

12.11.22: A dream (for E.M.)

Ruth Kirk

Context: Today’s blog describes what happened after I posted, “Thank you, Jesus” yesterday (https://wp.me/p45bCr-cP2).

Just before settling down to sleep that night I attached my night-cross to my wrist, as always. Then I asked God to be with me in my dreams (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-cHj). I started doing this recently because of a spate of nightmares, probably due to a new medication I was taking. Finally, I switched off the light and went to sleep.

A dream

I dreamed I was in a small, wooden boat, being rowed down a flooded street. Initially, the water was calm.

Then water began to pulse into the street, each wave higher and rougher than the one before, until the water became a rolling, boiling chaos. 

Again and again, tons of water towered above me as the boat was tossed around. Soon waves began to break over me, swamping the boat. I was terrified, and started to scream repeatedly.

A dream within a dream

Then, within the dream, I slowly woke, still screaming, gasping for air. I was in bed in my old, ugly, uncomfortable room at my mother’s house. I was young, but not a child – perhaps a late teenager, or in my early twenties. There was nowhere I would less rather be.

Slowly, slowly, my screams diminished, and I stopped gasping for breath. Eventually my mother appeared in her dressing-gown. I had clearly woken her up, which was never a good thing. I remember feeling that she was very the last person I wanted to see, as she had nothing but scorn for those who were afraid, including me. She was incapable of offering me any comfort, understanding, or sympathy. Indeed, I feared her more than anyone else I had ever known. Finding myself in her house, undressed and in bed, with her in my room, was worse than being in the boat. I felt so vulnerable.

Waking up

Then I began to wake, gradually realising it had all been a dream. However, I couldn’t stop re-living the terrifying sight of the waves towering above me, or the sensation of them falling on to me, filling the boat. It was just like having flashbacks from my childhood, which happened to me so often, and for so many years, that I had no idea they weren’t normal.

Slowly, slowly, I surfaced more fully, until I reached a point where I was able to whisper, “Thank you, Jesus”, whilst holding my night-cross firmly in my hand, where it had remained all night.

Instantly, I stopped re-living the terrifying sights and sensations of my dream. My inner storm had been stilled by those three, precious words. 

Then I reached for my iPad to write this blog, feeling awed by what had happened. I was no longer disturbed or afraid, though my body felt as if it were vibrating for a while afterwards. The whole experience left me with a lot to reflect on.

I am with you always, to the very end of the age (Matthew 28:20; NIV).

References 

You hurled me into the depths, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me (Jonah 2:3; NIV). 

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NIV). 

He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed (Psalm 107:29; NIV). 

He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him (Luke 17:16; NIV). 

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).

Reading: Mark 4:35-41; RSV

When evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him.

And a great storm of wind arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care if we perish?”

And he awoke and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Have you no faith?” 

And they were filled with awe, and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even wind and sea obey him?”