Context: I’ve been struggling badly since a new drug was added to my cocktail a week or so ago. Amongst other side-effects, it made me unable to concentrate, or to pray, and therefore, unable to write. Worst of all, it made me feel that life was no longer worth living.
However, yesterday, with medical help, I reduced the quantity of this drug by 50%, and today, to my great joy, I found I could both pray, receive inspiration and write again.
Tomorrow I hope to post what I was given this morning, but for now, here is an astonishingly appropriate piece I chose and prepared last night, with no idea that my state of mind might be about to change.
This prayer arrived very early one morning some weeks ago, when I woke at dawn and couldn’t go back to sleep. The photo is the view from my bedroom window that day:
My God turns my darkness into light (Psalm 18:28; NIV).
You turn my darkness into light,
My sickness, into health;
My weakness into strength, Lord,
And my poverty, to wealth.
You turn my mourning into joy, My sighing, into prayer;
My loneliness, to oneness, Lord,
My selfishness, to care.
You turn my water into wine, My sinfulness, to good;
My anger, into peace, Lord,
And my bitterness to love.
You turn my losses into gains, My dross, to precious ore;
My death, Lord, to eternal life
With you, for evermore.
In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28; NIV).
References
I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life (John 5:24; NLT).
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever! (Psalm 30:11-12; NLT).
Context: I’m so drained that I’m finding prayer very difficult. Depression is creeping closer, threatening to overwhelm me. Two days ago I sat on the floor with my back resting against the wall, attempting to pray. After a time of silence, this little poem arrived:
I weep with sorrow (Psalm 119:28; NLT).
1. I weep with pain and sorrow, Lord,
With loneliness, and grief.
2. Weariness destroys my freedom,
Sickness is a thief.
3. Anguish closes over me, It suffocates, like sin,
4. Yet still your love beats in my blood,
For you, Lord, live within.
Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).
References
1.He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Matthew 26:37-9; NLT).
2.Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go (John 21:18; NIV).
3.Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me (Psalm 42:7; NIV).
4.You are the temple of the living God (Luke 17:21; NKJV).
Don’t you realise that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you? (1 Corinthians 3:16; NLT).
Context: This blog came to me in a split second, when I waswashing my face after getting up late. It was a few days after my hospital trip to London, and I was feeling drained, lonely and rather sorry for myself. God spoke to me so personally that I was nearly knocked off my feet:
The whole law can be summed up in this one command: ‘Loveyourneighboras yourself’ (Galatians 5:14; NLT).
Keep on offering your love to others, but don’t expect their love in return.
Keep on listening to others, but don’t expect them to listen to you in return.
Keep on taking an interest in other people’s news, but don’t expect them to show any interest in yours.
Keep on showing your sympathy to those who suffer, but don’t expect their sympathy in return.
Never try to elicit a caring response from those you think might ‘owe’ you some love in return. It won’t work, and the effort will only increase your sadness and loneliness.
When you’re too drained to support others, stop trying. Wait until you have some energy to spare. Say nothing; do nothing; rest.
Just keep on practicing Mother Theresa’s teaching on humility: “Accept being slighted, forgotten and disregarded” (reference below).
Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love (Ephesians 4:2; NLT).
Context: When I woke up yesterday, I said the Lord’s Prayer, closed my eyes again, and continued to pray, using very few words. This went on in darkness for some minutes, until I was suddenly flooded with bright, golden light. Then today’s prayer started to flow. It was a wrench to open my eyes and start writing, but I knew it was essential, for the words would otherwise disappear as quickly as they arrived.
My expectation is that only when I’m dying will I see this wonderful light and not need to break off to write. From that moment onwards there will be no more need for words: I will simply be absorbed into God’s brilliant, beautiful, infinite light, peace and love.
Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. (Micah 7:8; NLT).
Yahweh,
When I sit in darkness,
You re-fill me with your light,
And, when I am weak and weary,
You restore me with your might.
Jesus,
When I’m stressed and anxious,
You refresh me with your peace,
And, when I am judged and censured,
Your protection does not cease.
Spirit, When I’m sad and lonely,
You surround me with your love,
And, when I must leave this world,
You’ll bear my soul to heaven above.
Threefold God, My source, my goal,
My Father, Mother, kith and kin,
You are here, and live forever –
All around me, and within.
The Spirit of God has made me,
and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.
(Job 33:4; NLT).
The dust returns to the ground it came from,
and the spirit returns to God who gave it.
(Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).
We know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.
Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.
(1 John 4:16; NIV).
We do not know how to pray as we ought. (Romans 8:26; NRSV).
You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).
Prayer is sharing every thought, Sensation, feeling, word and deed
With God.
Prayer is sharing all our weakness, Judgement, sin and selfishness
With God.
Prayer is sharing stillness, silence, Darkness, need and loneliness
With God.
Prayer is sharing all our joys and sorrows,
Pain, fear, life and death
With God.
Prayer is listening, trusting, loving – Facing all we undergo
With God.
Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4; KJV).
References
Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NIV).
Pray about everything (Philippians 4:6; NLT).
Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge (Psalm 62:8; NLT).
Hello! A warm welcome to everyone who visits “Seeking God’s face”, and to all who follow here regularly. I pray for you all each day.
2. Home shrines
This blog brings a very simple message: to suggest that many people could find joy, comfort, support and self-expression through having a home shrine, especially those of us who are sick or disabled, and can no longer go to church.
3. My shrine
My shrine is in my bedroom, on the chest of drawers. In this room, I can close the door, and pray in private. The shrine has developed slowly over several years, having started with the large wall cross, a few flowers, a candle, and an incense burner.
Whenever I want to, I make changes to it, removing items that have served their purpose, and introducing others which are particularly significant for me at the time. As my faith becomes increasingly universal, I plan to incorporate relics from other faiths. Nothing is included out of a sense of obligation or pressure.
4. Personal spiritual practices
A home shrine offers an opportunity for the daily expression of personally meaningful spiritual practices. For example, I stoop to kiss the small wooden cross at the front, just as a priest kisses the altar before saying mass. Then I dip my fingers in the small bowl of holy water, blessing myself with the sign of the cross. Sometimes I do this in the Roman Catholic way, sometimes in the Russian Orthodox style, just as I wish.
Occasionally I light a candle or an incense stick, though I never leave these burning in my absence or whilst I’m asleep, in case of fire.
5. Prayers
My shrine includes two framed prayers which mean a lot to me. Their presence enables me to include them in my daily worship whenever I want to, and reminds me of the words, if I forget them.
The first is about the “little way” of Sainte Thérèse de Lisieux, whose name I took at confirmation (https://wp.me/p45bCr-acZ), whilst the second is a prayer for world peace (https://wp.me/p45bCr-aCa).
Sometimes I am able to stand in front my shrine to pray for a minute or two. However, when I’m too tired, unwell, cold, or lightheaded to do this, I simply begin praying there, then get into bed to continue whilst lying down. Last thing at night, it’s a pleasure to thank God for all my day has brought, both good and bad. Then I say goodnight, and settle down to sleep.
6. Icons
Whether I’m just passing my shrine, or staying a little longer, I often touch each icon with love before I move on. My room also includes three large wall icons, hanging at just the right height to touch, hold gently with both hands, and kiss, as I whisper my prayers.
7. A very private place
Some people might scoff at these practices, judging them to be sentimental, foolish, pointless, or even idolatrous. However, for me the beauty of my home shrine is that it is a very private place where I can be honest with God without any kind offormality, using my own words, however few or many they may be. It’s also a very good place to “be still and silent” before God, for a few, precious moments.
8. A safe place….
Furthermore, my shrine gives me a “safe place” to return to in my imagination when I need extra support in the outside world. This grounding effect is enhanced by a holding cross, made in Bethlehem from the prunings of olive trees. When I received it, I blessed it at my shrine, then left it there overnight to absorb the essence of its peace and beauty.
9. …coupled with a holding cross
During the daytime, I wear this cross around my neck on a long cord, hanging beneath my clothes. When I need it, I discretely retrieve it with the cord. Visualising my shrine whilst holding my cross hidden in the palm of one hand, or clasped between both, is a great source of help, strength and comfort. I do this when I face traumatic events, flashbacks, unpleasant medical treatments, pain, strong emotions, interpersonal conflict, or feared situations. Despite its small size, this little cross powerfully re-connects me to the peace and safety of my shrine.
At night, I have a similar cross, but on a much shorter cord. Secured around my wrist, it stays in my hand whilst I am asleep. This cross is a tangible, comforting reminder of God’s presence each time I wake up.
10. Final words
It feels strange to share these very personal, central aspects of my life with you, yet it seems important to do so. The opportunities offered by home shrines for spiritual nourishment, and for direct, free self-expression before God are far too valuable to keep to myself.
May God bless you all each day.
With much love from Ruth xxxxx
References
1. Welcome
I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them (1 Timothy 2:1; NLT).
3. My shrine
When you pray, go away by yourself, shut the door behind you, and pray to your Father in private (Matthew 6:6; NLT).
5. Prayers
Should we accept only good things from the hand of God, and never anything bad? (Job 2:10; NLT).
Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).
Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21; CSB).
Be thankful in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NLT).
7. A very private place
Pray about everything (Philippians 4:6; NLT).
Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NIV).
You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).
Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge (Psalm 62:8; NLT).
Be still and know that I am God! (Psalm 46:10; NLT).
Be silent before the Lord, all humanity (Zechariah 2:13; NLT).
8. A safe place…
You have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress (Psalm 59:16; NLT).
This I declare about the Lord: he alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him (Psalm 91:2; NLT).
9. …coupled with a holding cross
The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God (1 Corinthians 1:18; NLT).
When I wake up, you are still with me! (Psalm 139:18; NLT).
10. Final words
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; NIV).
My health has been deteriorating for several years, but I have never had an explanation for this. However, last Thursday I was given a diagnosis of Autonomic Neuropathy (AN).
AN is an incurable degenerative disorder, in which the brain loses the ability to regulate processes that normally happen automatically. It affects the functioning of multiple body systems, including, for example, heart rate, blood pressure, temperature control, bladder, digestion, eyesight, balance and energy.
There are several sub-types of AN. Some are more severe than others. Some progress more quickly than others. A battery of tests over the next few weeks and months should eventually indicate which type I have, how quickly I can expect to deteriorate, and my anticipated life-expectancy.
2. Realisation
About a year ago, as my health deteriorated, I reached a point where I could no longer go to church. Since then, I have hoped in vain that some of the people there who I thought of as friends might notice my absence and make contact with me. However, only one member of my local congregation has stayed in touch.
Over the last few days I have realised how deeply I lack sources of spiritual nourishment with like-minded people. This has made me see that I need to stop hoping for contact, understanding and support from church, where there is so little available. Instead, I want to accept, share, and develop, relationships that are available to me, for example, with spiritually-minded friends online.
So, it’s time for me to start afresh, to change, and to focus much more on some reciprocal relationships. This feels like a very positive realisation. Indeed, it’s already leading me to explore a much more universal faith than is possible within the narrow confines of a single, rule-based denomination.
With this new-found approach, I can start putting my very limited energy into seeking and finding God in everyone and everything, a prospect which fills me with joy. God really does work in mysterious ways, bringing good even out of situations that can appear wholly negative.
3. Recognition
Accordingly, yesterday, as I prepared my blog for posting, I found great pleasure in illustrating it with a wonderful photo of a woman priest joyfully celebrating communion. This simply doesn’t happen in my denomination, where all women are automatically excluded from the priesthood, simply because of their gender.
Using the photo of the woman priest made me recognise that I could also include photos of older women and disabled people amongst my website headers, so I spent a very happy hour or two on this task. Until today, my thinking had always been so blinkered that it had never occurred to me to do this.
4. Freedom
Right now, I feel my diagnosis of Autonomic Neuropathy is probably one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It has made me realise thatI’ve only got one life here, and that it might be a lot shorter, more limited, and more unpleasant than I had previously imagined. So, as my heath and mobility deteriorate, I want to make the most of whatever freedom and independence I have, at each stage of this disorder.
However, I’m not thinking of the conventional “bucket list” of places I want to go to, or things I want to do before I die. Rather, I’m already experiencing a deep, joyful sense of inner freedom to be myself. This gives me space and permission to think what I think, believe what I believe, feel how I feel, and be how I am. I am also working on my outward freedom, by speaking the truth in love, and taking pleasure in doing what I still can, however limited this may be.
5. Future
I’m sharing all this with you because as I deteriorate, I will probably need to change my approach to blogging. This might mean expending less energy on formal, disciplined poetic structures, instead describing whatever spiritual insights God gives me in simpler, more direct prose.
Meanwhile, I’m feeling optimistic, the future looks exciting, and I will continue to post here each day for as long as I can.
✝️ My greetings to every follower and visitor to this website. I appreciate every one of you, and pray for you all each day.
With love and blessings, from Ruth xxxx
References
1. Diagnosis
Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).
No one can live forever; all will die. No one can escape the power of the grave (Psalm 89:48; NLT).
2. Realisation
Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).
Truly, O God of Israel, our Saviour, you work in mysterious ways (Isaiah 45:15; NIV).
We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28; GNT).
3. Recognition
Suddenly, their eyes were opened, and they recognised him (Luke 24:31; NLT).
God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them(Genesis 1:27; NLT).
There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28; NIV).
The Almighty … blesses you with blessings of the skies above, blessings of the deep springs below, blessings of the breast and the womb (Genesis 49:5; NIV).
“As truly as God is our Father, so truly is God our mother” (Revelations of Divine Love, Chapter 59, Julian of Norwich).
4. Freedom
You will know the truth and the truth will set you free (John 8:32; NLT).
If the Son sets you free, you are truly free (John 8:36; NLT).
When you were young, you were able to do as you liked; you dressed yourself and went wherever you wanted to go. But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go (John 21:18; NLT).
O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me(Psalm 139:1; NLT).
We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
God is spirit, and his worshippers must worship in the Spirit and in truth (John 4:24; NIV).
You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10; NIV).
5. Future
Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts (Psalm 90:12; CSB).
