Category: mental illness

5.6.23: Suffering

Ruth Kirk
Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane, by
Robert Walter Weir, metmuseum.org.

To my great surprise, this prayer suddenly came to me early last Saturday morning, whilst I was washing my face:

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).

Lord,

All our physical and mental sufferings are so much harder to bear when we don’t accept them.

Please teach us to say ‘Yes’ to all you send, and to thank you in all circumstances, knowing that we are always in your hands.

Help us to trust your will, and to endure, for you bring good from everything, including all we think of, Lord, as ‘bad’.

God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28; NLT).

References 

My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done (Matthew 26:42; NLT). 

Whatever happens to you, accept it (Sirach 2:4; NJB).

Be it unto me according to thy word (Luke 1:38; KJV). 

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; NIV). 

Everything comes from him (Romans 11:36; NLT). 

The life of every living thing is in his hand (Job 12:10; NLT). 

Trust him, and he will help you (Psalm 37:5; NLT).

 The LORD gives both death and life (I Samuel 2:6; NLT).

Do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal (Job 5:17; NIV).

Those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction (Job 36:15; NIV).

I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things (Isaiah 45:7; NLT).

Should we accept only good things from the hand of God, and never anything bad? (Job 2:10; NLT).

Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised (Job 1:21; NIV).

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other (Ecclesiastes 7:14; NIV).

Patient endurance is what you need now (Hebrews 10:36; NLT).

The Rosary Hospital

We have both had a slightly better day than yesterday, so I celebrated by making a Fiat rosary. I love it so much that I’m not sure I can part with it!

26.4.23: Suffering is a healing process

Ruth Kirk
Crowds gather as Christ heals the sick. Lithograph after Benjamin West, Wickimedia.

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT). 

Last Sunday, whilst I was praying without words, I saw that my suffering is a lifelong healing process from which I have much to learn.

One step at a time, God helps me to move forward by working through this healing process in response to my symptoms.

My first task is to develop ever deeper insight into the underlying causes of my physical, emotional and spiritual suffering.

My second task is to ask God to give me the faith and personal maturity needed to endure my suffering in emotionally and spiritually healthy ways.

Although this kind of healing is a painful, ongoing, spiritual process, God brings good from it along the way. It will be complete at my death, when I will have gone as far as I can manage.

Meanwhile, I’m also learning to trust that God won’t let me be tried beyond what I can endure, which gives me renewed hope.

No trial has overtaken you that is not faced by others. And God is faithful: He will not let you be tried beyond what you are able to bear, but with the trial will also provide a way out so that you may be able to endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13; NET).

References

My grief is beyond healing; my heart is broken (Jeremiah 8:18; NLT).

There they are, overwhelmed with dread, where there was nothing to dread (Psalm 53:5; NIV).

Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you? (Lamentations 2:13; NLT).

God willing, we will move forward to further understanding (Hebrews 6:3; NLT).

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible” (Matthew 19:26; NLT).

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; CSB).

God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28; NLT).

A reading: Romans 5:1-4; ESV.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.

24.4.23: Saying “Yes” to dread

Ruth Kirk
Image by Tobias Hämmer, from Pixabay.

There they are, overwhelmed with dread, where there was nothing to dread (Psalm 53:5; NIV). 

Introduction

For the last few weeks I have been exploring my chronic sense of *dread (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dTm, for example). Today’s blog describes a way of handling it which came to me whilst I was praying a few days ago.

Psalm 74

My dread springs from the trauma and emotional damage I experienced when I was young. A passage in Psalm 74 accurately captures the toxic atmosphere in my childhood home:

Turn your steps toward these everlasting ruins, all this destruction the enemy has brought on the sanctuary. Your foes roared in the place where you met with us; they set up their standards as signs. They behaved like men wielding axes to cut through a thicket of trees. They smashed all the carved paneling with their axes and hatchets. They burned your sanctuary to the ground; they defiled the dwelling place of your Name. They said in their hearts, “We will crush them completely!” They burned every place where God was worshiped in the land (Psalm 74:3-8; NIV). 

Praying before my icon

Last Wednesday I stood praying before my icon of Mary. As I touched both her hand and that of the infant Christ, I was longing for my dread to disappear. Suddenly I saw a different attitude to living with my dread. Thanking her, I hurried to write it down.

My notes became a prayer which encapsulates this new way forward. Now, I am trying to say, “Yes” to my dread, and to thank God for it, in accordance with the charism of the Community of Our Lady of Walsingham (p10, The Book of Life, Community of Our Lady of Walsingham; 2022). 

Saying “Yes” to dread

So instead of longing for my dread go away, I now pray like this:

Lord, thank you for my sense of dread. It kept me safe when I was young, never knowing when, or where, the axe of my mother’s fury would fall next.

Please help me to welcome and accept my dread, surrounding it with love and gratitude. I want to rejoice in it as my oldest friend: the primitive, instinctive part of me that has protected me since birth.

Healing touch

After saying a spontaneous version of these words, I lay my hand on my abdomen and whisper to my dread: 

My dearest friend, you can relax now. You no longer need to be constantly vigilant, ready to make me freeze, run away, or hide, in order to protect myself. You and I are in God’s hands, and we are safe now, no matter what happens.

A final prayer

Then I end like this:

Lord, thank you for my dread. Please help me to surround it with love. I ask this in your dear Son’s name. Amen.

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

References 

*The symptoms of Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), include “A pervasive feeling of apprehension or dread” (helpguide.org).

All your waves and breakers have swept over me (Psalm 42:7; NIV).

I am in the hands of the Lord, the Most High is my safe resting-place (Psalm 91:9; BBE).

23.2.23: Feeling unacceptable

Ruth Kirk

Introduction
The day before yesterday, as soon as I woke, I wrote down the emotions crowding that night’s dream. For the first time in years, this included some positive feelings alongside the usual negatives, although this blog will mainly focus on the negatives:

Negatives: Feeling unacceptable, disliked, rejected, ashamed, unloved, unlovable, a failure, vulnerable, insecure.

Positives: Briefly feeling wanted, joyful, loving, connected with a person, connected with an animal.

A learning opportunity
Dreams are a learning opportunity. Writing down the emotions they generate enables me to connect with aspects of myself it would be much more comfortable to ignore, deny, or suppress.

As I began to pray, I saw that the emotions experienced during my dream were showing me how I feel about myself. Then I understood that throughout my life a lot of my waking behaviour and sense of self have been driven by the negative emotions listed above.

The origins of my fear and insecurity 
The feelings I typically experience during dreams have their origins in my relationship with my mother. As a child, I had no way of understanding them or putting them into words. I instinctively concealed them, because expressing them in any way risked incurring my mother’s criticism, anger and punishment. It was made crystal clear that I was a burden, so, unsurprisingly, I grew up feeling deeply unacceptable to others.

However, I couldn’t hide the effect this had on me. My distress was revealed by behaviours I couldn’t control, including tears, anxiety, fears, lack of confidence, recurrent nightmares, headaches, stress, perfectionism, bed-wetting and sleepwalking.

As I got older, the origin of my fears was buried far beyond conscious awareness. However, my damaged sense of self continued to fester in my unconscious mind, surfacing as panic attacks which seemed to come out of the blue. Anxiety, agoraphobia, claustrophobia and depression went on to dominate my life for many years, until I eventually started to get effective help.

My emotional framework
I see now that all my dreams essentially reveal how I have come to feel about myself as a result of how I was treated as a child. My negative experiences formed the foundation of my adult self-image.

However, alongside this realisation I’m beginning to glimpse that perhaps my feelings about myself don’t actually belong to me at all; they may simply be how I was made to feel when I was young. Hopefully, more will be revealed in the coming days.

Positive emotions
Meanwhile, I haven’t forgotten those rare, positive emotions experienced during my dream. These have given me hope that if my unconscious mind, and therefore my dreams, can change, perhaps my conscious sense of who and what I am can change as well.

So, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

Thank  you, Lord God,
With all my heart,
For the secret riches
You give me
From the darkness
Of my unconscious mind.

Through Jesus’ name.
Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT). 

11.2.23: Healing through dreams

Ruth Kirk

God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it. He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds (Job 33:14-15; NLT). 

Forgotten dreams

In prayer yesterday, I saw that when I can’t remember a dream, I can be sure that it contained nothing I need to know about or deal with at present. 

The same is also true when I remember a dream, but no significant theme or emotion stands out. After thanking God for these quiet dreams, I simply let them go. Experience shows that any vague fragments I recall will quickly fade from consciousness.

Recurring dreams

Even if I miss or forget something significant, I’m confident that it will emerge repeatedly in my dreams until I’m ready and able to catch hold of what it has to teach me. This is because the contents of my unconscious mind (memories, traumatic experiences, hidden desires, buried emotions etc), are constantly present, even though I’m not conscious of them. They bubble away beyond awareness, constantly influencing all I feel, think, say and do. They affect how I understand and judge my past, how I react to events in the present, and how I approach the future. They help to determine how I experience life, and how I relate to others.

If I had to face all the contents of my unconscious mind at once, I’m sure I they would overwhelm me. I would become very disturbed, and break down. On the other hand, if I tried to avoid facing them altogether, I would be unable to change, grow and move forward in my life.

Gradual healing, through dreams

Given time, I believe that every significant unresolved experience, trauma and emotion buried in my unconscious mind will gradually be revealed in my dreams. This natural process will continue until I have remembered them all, named them, and written them down. This will enable me to face them one at a time, bring them into the light of my prayers, and asking God to heal them. Thus, through dreams, these issues will no longer remain hidden in darkness, until symptoms such as panic, loss of temper, or despair erupt uncontrollably and without warning, apparently from nowhere.

Cause for rejoicing

So when I check my notebook each morning, I rejoice to see what has been harvested from my unconscious mind during the night. Despite no longer remembering the dreams themselves, their major themes have been safely retrieved and made accessible, ready for prayer. This is all I need.

No surprises for God

Of course, there are no surprises for God in all that surfaces; only for me. This is because God already knows the thoughts of my heart and everything about me that is hidden from conscious awareness. With dreams as my way forward, it’s wonderful to know that even my unconscious mind is being healed.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me (Psalm 139:1; NLT).

References 

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

10.2.23: A healing dream

Ruth Kirk

The moment I began to pray before my icon of Mary yesterday morning, I saw the overall theme of the dream from which I had just woken. It was truly astonishing, because during this dream, I had liked my mother.

This may not sound very significant, but it was a first for me. During the dream, I wasn’t afraid of her. I was able to compliment her on her appearance, and give her some direct feedback. It was extraordinary to feel comfortable about being around her.

None of these things ever happened during her lifetime because I was afraid of her. I hated being with her, and loathed her touch and the sound of her voice. I took care to avoid her as far as possible.

Over the years I have had many nightmares about my mother – horrible dreams in which I’ve tried to stand up to her and woken up shouting. However, in last night’s dream I actually enjoyed her company.

In real life, I never loved or trusted my mother, but this dream gave me my first ever glimpse of what a much healthier mother/daughter relationship might feel like. So, I’m going to hold on to the mother I spent time with in my dream: a smart, trim, approachable woman in a fitted, green, woollen suit, wearing red lipstick; a woman who willingly contributed to a community event in an official capacity; chatty, relaxed, and able to accept honest feedback.

As I reflected on my dream, it felt strangely healing, as if a lifetime of emotional suffering and mental illness could somehow be redeemed by a single, brief, positive experience.

I thanked God for giving me this dream about what my mother could have become if her own life had been different, for having dreamed about having a good relationship with her, and especially for the brief, precious experience of liking her.

7.2.23: A revelation

Ruth Kirk

Introduction 

As I woke from a particularly disturbing dream yesterday, God gently reminded me that my dreams often relate to unresolved issues in my life (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dov). Then this insight was taken further, by showing me that dreams offer the possibility of a very special kind of healing: the healing of the unconscious mind. This truth was established long ago by far greater thinkers than me, such as Freud, but yesterday it struck me in an intensely personal way.

The purpose of my dreams 

Dreams make me face and re-experience unresolved issues hidden from awareness in my unconscious mind. Remembering them when I wake enables me to become conscious of what was previously inaccessible. This process re-establishes a connection with everything I have forgotten, suppressed, or repressed during my lifetime. 

Because of my dreams, I can now begin to pray about the contents and conflicts in my unconscious mind, and to ask for healing. It seems extraordinary that I knew nothing about this until it was shown to me yesterday. By paying attention to my dreams, identifying their major themes, and bringing them to God in prayer, I now have an opportunity for all the damage, anger, fear and guilt hidden in my unconscious mind to be healed. 

Recurring dreams

If dreams represent life-events which need healing, it’s easy to see that recurring dreams reveal an insistent need to face repressed issues consciously, to pray about them, and to ask for God’s assistance.

It is therefore perhaps unhelpful to ask for a series of dreams to stop, however unpleasant they are. Rather, I need to ask God to help me face and accept the problematic themes they reveal. Then the related traumatic memories hidden in my unconscious mind can at last begin to emerge for healing.

Getting help

Once I face what is revealed in my dreams, I can pray about it, and, if necessary, ask for help. Ways forward might include discussing the matter with someone I trust, talking to the person concerned (if they are alive), going to confession, or working with a therapist. 

My expectation is that when my disturbing unconscious issues have been resolved, the bad and recurring dreams associated with them will cease. 

Reflection on what I experienced 

Yesterday, as I perceived everything described above, I was in God’s hands, full of awe, though not afraid. For the first time ever I was able to see into my unconscious mind for a short while. It looked like a living, roiling mass of dark grey clouds. Previously, I have only seen its smooth, oily, reflective outer surface – the interface between my conscious and unconscious minds.

My way forward

My dreams bring what is unconscious into consciousness, so I can access, act on, and resolve buried issues during my waking hours. In the light of this, from now on I plan to handle my dreams in a new way:

As soon as I wake, whilst that night’s dreams are still fresh in my mind, I will try to identify and name their themes as honestly and briefly as I can, noting them down.

Then I will thank God for my dreams (including bad dreams and nightmares), and ask God to to help me face, pray about, explore and tackle the memories, experiences, traumas, sins, conflicts or unresolved issues they have revealed.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I thank God for showing me that my dreams can bring the contents of my unconscious mind back into consciousness, so that when I awake, I can deal with the issues they raise. This feels like a very profound opportunity indeed for healing.

Last prayer before sleeping

Lord God,

Thank you for revealing the contents of my unconscious mind through dreams.

Please show me whatever I need to see each night, so I can consciously reconnect with it.

When I wake, please help me to identify and name the theme of each dream, and to thank you for all it reveals.

Please help me to take whatever action is necessary to engage with your healing process.

I am awed that you can do all this, and that you are so determined to heal not just my conscious mind, but my unconscious mind as well. 

I ask this through your dear Son’s name. Amen.

References 

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

O LORD, if you heal me, I will be truly healed (Jeremiah 17:14; NLT).

Stop press

I was able to start putting my plan into action this morning, and to note the major theme of last night’s dream, which was insecurity.

26.9.22: Emotional healing

Ruth Kirk

Context: I’m in London today, facing a battery of specialised medical tests. It’s only 5am, but I’m having a very early breakfast, as I have to fast for several hours before arriving at the hospital.

This blog considers how free-will, honesty and forgiveness contribute to emotional healing. Each of these factors builds on the one before, until healing is complete. This completion can take place progressively, during life, or instantaneously, at death, when we meet Christ face to face.

He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted (Luke 4:18; NKJV). 

Introduction
Emotional healing is a lifelong process of personal growth in mind, heart and soul. It is brought about by revelation and personal insight, which gradually help us to change how we think, speak, behave and feel.

1. Free-will
Let’s begin with free-will. In order to be healthy, all personal change needs to be based on independent choice. Changes which are expected, required, demanded, imposed, or forced upon us by others can never bring about deep, inner healing.

2. Honesty
Similarly, if we try to make ourselves change in order to become an idealised version of ourselves, we are only suppressing how we honestly feel or think, and what we really want to say or do. This is a very unhealthy, incongruent and inauthentic way to live, which stores up further emotional problems for the future. There is no substitute for learning to speak the truth in love.

3. Forgiveness
Next comes forgiveness, another essential, inescapable aspect of inner healing. It can take years to feel forgiven for all the bad things we have thought, said and done. Furthermore, genuinely forgiving those who have hurt us can be equally difficult.

This process is facilitated by being honest with those who have hurt us, forgiving them, and working towards reconciliation, if possible. We can also apologise to those we have hurt, asking them to forgive us.

If those involved are no longer available, all this can still be done through honest prayer.

4. Emotional healing
Free-will, honesty and forgiveness help us to take responsibility for fostering the long-term healing God offers. We can do this by:

  • Being honest with ourselves, others and God
  • Developing insight into ourselves and our behaviour
  • Praying simply and honestly, as children do
  • Learning from experience
  • Learning from books
  • Learning from good role-models
  • Offering healthy, honest, equal, loving relationships to everyone

As we change and grow, we can slowly be healed in mind, heart and soul over the course of our lifetime. Gradually our thinking, speech and behaviour become more honest, more loving, and more genuinely aligned with God’s will for us, progressively promoting our emotional healing.

Conclusion
Through reflecting on the role of free-will, honesty and forgiveness in the process of emotional healing, I have come to see these four concepts as being essentially indivisible. Thus, as we freely choose to become more honest, more forgiving, and more Christ-like, we are slowly healed in mind, heart and soul.

I want your will to be done, not mine (Luke 22:42; NLT).

References

1. Accept, I beseech thee, the free-will offerings of my mouth, O Lord (Psalm 119:108; WEB).

2. You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).

We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

3. Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us (Luke 11:4; NLT). 

4. I am the Lord who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:5; NIV).

The Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image (2 Corinthians 3:18; NLT). 

16.9.22: Light and darkness (with thanks to KB)

Ruth Kirk

Context: This blog arrived yesterday morning, whilst I was exchanging messages with a friend. It simply formed in my mind as I began to respond. By the time I had put it into words, I realised I needed to hold on to what I had written, so I copied and pasted it into my spiritual diary. Here is the result:

You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light (2 Samuel 22:29; NLT).

Lord, you are light, and you live in the darkness of my unconscious mind (see reference #1).

Constantly present there, you move mysteriously in the depths, patiently revealing, insight by insight, all that is hidden within me, especially all that needs healing (2).

As long as I keep on searching, waiting, looking, listening, learning, changing and growing, you keep on revealing more and more, slowly bringing everything about me into the light (3). 

Through this life-long process, you are healing all the physical, mental and emotional damage caused by my abusive childhood (4).

Thank you so much for everything you show me, Lord, for all your love, help, and healing.

I offer this prayer through your dear Son’s name.

Amen.

References

1. God is light (1 John 1:5; NLT).

Clouds and thick darkness surround him (Psalm 97:2; NIV).

He shrouded himself in darkness (2 Samuel 22:12; NLT). 

2. We are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people” (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT).

You cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things (Ecclesiastes 11:5; NLT). 

He knows the secrets of every heart (Psalm 44:21; NLT). 

He reveals deep and mysterious things and knows what lies hidden in darkness (Daniel 2:22; NLT).

3. Moses approached the thick darkness where God was (Exodus 20:21; NLT).

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened (Luke 11:9-10; NLT). 

4. I am the Lord who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

A dream: 13.8.22.

Ruth Kirk

Context: A few nights ago I had a vivid, strange and disturbing dream:

I saw a group of very young children who had just been separated from those whose task it was to take care of them. The children weren’t old enough to walk, so they were having to crawl along a rough, narrow, dirty street, moving away from their carers, and towards an unknown destination.

All of them were wailing. It was a heartbreaking sound. In his distress, perhaps blinded by tears, one little boy blundered head-first into a stone wall. He slumped to the ground, and I was shocked to hear him cry out, “They don’t love us any more”, in utter despair, hopelessness and desolation. After that he stopped moving. It was clear that he had given up the will to survive.

My heart went out to him. I jumped up and ran to him, putting my arms round his small body to comfort him. At that moment, I woke up with my arms clasped around my pillow. Instantly, even before I could begin to pray, several realisations struck me hard: 

What I realised

Everything I experienced during my childhood laid the foundations of my mental health during adult life.

This includes how I was treated by those who brought me up, as well as by those I was exposed to at school, in churches, clubs, hospitals and all other settings.

Thus, for good or ill, I have been influenced and affected by all the relationships and events I experienced during my formative years.

Comments

From my dream, and from the realisations which followed immediately afterwards, I understood even more clearly than before that the damage done to me in childhood caused the wounds and scars I have carried into adulthood.

These wounds shaped the person I have become, including all I feel, think, say and do. They affect how I behave, relate to others, cope with suffering, treat the world, understand God, and even whether or not I want to live. They also affected how I brought up my son, and how I reacted to having a miscarriage.

My dream showed me the mechanism by which so much of my psychological distress and mental illness has been caused. Only God can fully heal the inner damage I sustained, and the consequences with which I have had to live.

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
(Psalm 147:3; NLT).