23.3.23: The shadow self

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Introduction

Today’s blog is about the shadow self. This term encompasses all the aspects of ourselves we find so uncomfortable, shameful and unacceptable that we ignore, conceal, or deny them. However, it is essential to find ways of recognising and expressing these hidden aspects, so we can integrate them into a fuller understanding of ourselves (see “Owning your own shadow” by Robert A. Johnson; Harper One: 1991).

My shadow, for example, includes sin, guilt, shame, selfishness, self-pity, depression, irritability, judging, anxiety, fear, resentment, bitterness, anger, insecurity and feeling unwanted. For a long time, I have habitually taken captive my thoughts and feelings along these lines, saying sorry to God as soon as I become aware of them. I then replace them with something more loving, in accordance with Paul’s teaching (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV). However, until very recently, I have never considered choosing to express them in any other way.

Instead, I generally keep negative feelings and thoughts concealed in my shadow. Unfortunately, this is unhealthy, as these spontaneous aspects of myself are significant aspects of my whole being.

Being honest

Over the last few weeks I’ve begun to grasp the spiritual importance of maintaining a constant awareness of what is happening in my shadow. This enables me to be more honest with myself, with God, and, potentially, with other people.

Of course, I don’t want to simply “act out” the contents of my shadow through impulsive, uncontrolled behaviour. Rather, I want to be in touch with them, so I can choose how to respond. Moreover, if I decide to express them, I want to do so as safely and constructively as possible, for the sake of both others and myself.

Such expression doesn’t necessarily mean voicing my shadow self directly, though occasionally this may be appropriate. Instead, I choose to express my shadow through dance, writing and prayer. Art, music, sports and many other activities can also provide alternative creative outlets.

It won’t go away

Staying in touch with my shadow self and finding safe ways to express it is essential, because ignoring it does not make it go away. Trying to push challenging emotions such as anger, hatred and fear out of awareness leaves them free to create havoc in the unconscious mind. This is how sudden outbursts of exasperation, temper, violence and panic can seem to strike “out of the blue”.

The Psalms

The Psalms offer a healthy example of honouring the shadow by expressing it honestly in prayer, alongside more positive aspects of the self. The writer of Psalm Three, for example, begins by praising God for helping them in the face of their enemies’ threats. The tone remains positive until verse seven, when it changes dramatically, as the author gives vent to the pent-up fear, anger and vengefulness concealed in their shadow:

“Arise, O LORD! Rescue me, my God! Slap all my enemies in the face! Shatter the teeth of the wicked!” (Psalm 3:7; NLT). 

Once these negative impulses have been fully voiced, the writer is able to finish on a more positive note:

“Victory comes from you, O LORD. May you bless your people” (Psalm 3:8; NLT).

If the writer had sanitised this psalm by omitting the thoughts and emotions hidden in their shadow, it would have been incomplete. This would have made it far less helpful to both themself and their future readers.

Conclusion

The raw, spontaneous truths hidden in our shadow are vital aspects of the self, treasures without which we cannot be complete. To reject them means being out of contact with essential aspects of ourselves.

Learning to integrate the contents of our shadow with our more positive thoughts and emotions is therefore vital for authentic spiritual growth and healing. As Johnson states: “These disowned parts are extremely valuable and cannot be disregarded… To honour and accept one’s shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. It is whole-making and thus holy and the most important experience of a lifetime” (Johnson; ibid, pp ix-x).


So now, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:

You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).

Lord, 

Thank you for my shadow –
May I face it,
Acknowledging its role
In all I do.

Thank you for my shadow –
May I own it,
So I can choose
To share it all with you.

Thank you for my shadow –
May I love it,
For you desire my honesty,
I know.

Thank you for my shadow –
I embrace it.
Lord, may these secret riches
Help me grow.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

29.12.22: I start again

Context: Today’s prayer describes a rare moment late one evening, when I was able to accept and believe that God really had forgiven all my sins. This meant I could start afresh next day, without looking back, to my great joy. These verses arrived the next morning:

Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God (Luke 9:62; NLT). 

The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning (Lamentations 3:22-23; NLT). 

I start again today, Lord,
Without sin –
For you forgave me yesterday,
And healed my guilt within.

I start again today
Without a grudge –
For I’ve forgiven all who hurt me:
You, alone, will judge.

I start again today, Lord,
Without fear –
For you will walk beside me
Giving comfort, always near.

I start again today
Without regrets –
Instead, I’m looking forward,
For you’ve cancelled all my debts.

When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both (Luke 7:42; ESV).


References 

He forgives all my sins (Psalm 103:2; NLT). 

Her guilt has been removed (Isaiah 49:2; NASB20). 

Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself (Leviticus 19:18; NIV). 

Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us (Matthew 6:12; NLT).

Jesus is the one appointed by God to be the judge of all – the living and the dead (Acts 10:42; NLT). 

God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad (Ecclesiastes 12;14; NLT). 

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT). 

Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory (Romans 5:2; NLT). 

Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world (1 Peter 1:13; NLT). 

20.10.22: God’s will


Context:
Yesterday I went into town to do a small amount of shopping and have my covid booster. It was diverting at the time, but afterwards I was absolutely exhausted. It can still sometimes come as a shock to realise how limited I am now in terms of what I can do.

After a long sleep in the afternoon, I tried to work on what I had been given when I woke up that morning. However, I was too tired to make any progress with it. So here is a prayer from my storehouse, instead:

“Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Mark 14:36; NLT).

You came to do the Father’s will
Because you trusted in God’s name.

You wanted to forgive my sins,
To heal my guilt, and end my shame.

So, Lord, you lived and died for me,
Because you shared the Father’s aim:

To spread his love and tender care –
Please help me, now, to do the same.

Then Jesus said, “Yes, now go and do the same” (Luke 10:36-7; NLT).

Close

Even when I walk through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me
(Psalm 23:4; NLT).

1. You are as close to me as breathing.
You are as close to me as dread.
You are as close, Lord, as my heartbeat –
Closer than words unsaid.

2. You are as close to me as weeping.
You are as close to me as pain.
You are as close to me as anguish –
Closer than guilt, or shame.

3. You are as close to me as living.
You are as close to me as prayer.
You are as close to me as panic –
Closer than my despair.

4. You are as close to me as grieving.
You are as close to me as kin.
You are as close to me as dying –
Closer, by far, than sin.

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us
(Colossians 3:11; NLT).


References 

1.  The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life (Job 33:4; NLT).

2. Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me (Psalm 139:1; NLT).

3. The Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words (Romans 8:26; NRSV).

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? (Mark 15:34; NLT).

4. To all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God (John 1:11; NLT). 

Into your hands I commit my spirit (Psalm 31:5; NIV).

I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below – indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-9; NLT). 

Sharing

Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge (Psalm 62:8; NLT).

You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).

Lord,
May I share everything with you:
Progress, praise,
Achievement, love,
And joy.

Lord,
May I share everything with you:
Failure, guilt,
Rejection, shame,
And sin.

Lord,
May I share everything with you:
Sickness, pain,
Depression, fear,
And grief.

Lord,
May I share everything with you:
For then
I will experience
Your peace.

🖤

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand (Philippians 4:6-7; NLT).

 


Despite my pride

You deserve to be punished. But I will treat you in a way that will bring honour to my name, and you will know that I am the Lord God
(Ezekiel 20:44; CEV).

Despite my pride
And ignorance,
Despite my envy, Lord;

Despite my greed
And foolishness,
Despite my judgements, Lord;

Despite my hate
And selfishness,
Despite my anger, Lord;

Despite my guilt
And sinfulness:
You love me.

He loves us with unfailing love
(Psalm 117:2; NLT).


In the darkness

If you are walking in darkness,
without a ray of light,
trust in the Lord
and rely on your God
(Isaiah 50:10; NLT).

Lord,
You’re in the darkness
That surrounds me:
I rejoice to have you
As my guide.

Lord,
You’re in the sorrow
That afflicts me:
I delight to journey
By your side.

Lord,
You’re in the loneliness
That fills me:
I exult to know you
As my friend.

Lord,
You’re in the silence
That engulfs me:
So I’m content to stay here,
Till my end.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him
(Psalm 62:5; ESV).


God gives

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1. God gives us love,
So we can give back worship.

2. He gives us light,
So we can see our guilt.

3. God gives us truth,
So can grow in wisdom.

4. He gives us peace
Through Christ, whose blood was spilt.

5. God gives us faith,
So we can be united.

6. He gives us pain,
So we can learn to trust.

7. God gives us hope,
So we can build endurance.

8. He gives us grace
Through Christ, whose rule is just.

 


References

1. We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19: NIV).

Worship the Lord in all his holy splendour (1 Chronicles 16:29; NLT).

2. I am the light of the world (John 8:12; NLT).

I know my transgressions and my sin is always before me (Psalm 51:3; NIV).

3. Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth and the life” (John 14:6; NLT).

All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom (Psalm 111:10; NLT).

4. There is peace with God through Jesus Christ (Acts 10:36; NLT).

5. By grace you have been saved through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God (Ephesians 2:8; NIV).

I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one (John 17:21; NLT).

6. I am the one who wounds and heals (Deuteronomy 32:39; NLT).

Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me (John 14:1; NLT).

7. This letter is from Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus, appointed by the command of God our Saviour and Christ Jesus, who gives us hope (1 Timothy 1:1; NLT).

When your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow (James 1:3; NLT).

8. Be strong through the grace that God gives you in Christ Jesus (2 Timothy 2:1; NLT).

I judge as God tells me. Therefore my judgement is just (John 5:30; NLT).

Wash away

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1. Wash away my dread, Lord God,
And take away my pain.

2. Cleanse me of all guilt and sin,
And give me hope again.

3. Wrap me in your loving arms,
So I may feel you near,

4. And fill me with your joy and peace –
Then I will have no fear.

 


References

1. You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day (Deuteronomy 28:66; NIV).

There will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever (Revelation 21:4; NLT).

2. Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow (Psalm 51:7; NLT).

Your word is my source of hope (Psalm 119:114; NLT).

3. The eternal God is your refuge, and his everlasting arms are under you (Deuteronomy 33:27; NLT).

From Jude, a slave of Jesus Christ and brother of James, to those who are called, wrapped in the love of God the father and kept for Jesus Christ (Jude 1:1; NET).

You have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ (Ephesians 2:13; NLT).

4. Give me back my joy again (Psalm 51:8; NLT).

I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give you is a gift the world cannot give (John 14:27; NLT).

The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me? (Hebrews 13:6; NKJV).

My dilemma

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Introduction

Two people have hurt me badly in the last few weeks. In both cases, after some thought, I was honest with those involved, expressing my response as lovingly as I could. However, they both reacted with anger and blame. Sadly, offering to meet for reconciliation has brought no response.

Since then, I repeatedly go over all that happened, which generates a constant, painful, and exhausting sense of dread.

The crux of my anxiety is that when someone hurts me, I don’t know whether I should speak out, or say nothing. Each approach has different consequences.


What did Jesus say and do?

As always, I look for guidance in Jesus’ teaching and example. However, he taught, and displayed, both outspoken and silent ways of responding to hurt and injustice, which I find confusing.

Until his arrest, Jesus always spoke the truth in love when people criticised or insulted him. He was, in fact, very direct. His honesty made him a lot of enemies, and contributed to his death.

After his arrest, Jesus said very little, no matter what he was accused of, and how he was treated. This puzzled his captors, perhaps antagonising them even more.

Over the years, I’ve tried both approaches. What happens when I follow Christ’s example in these two, very different, ways?


A. Speaking out

When I “speak the truth in love”, it almost always backfires. The person I’ve been honest with turns on me, angrily blaming me for what I said, even though it was their own hurtful behaviour towards me that I spoke about. I then react to their hostility with my characteristic chronic dread.


B. Saying nothing

When I say nothing, I simply allow the other person to hurt me, absorbing the pain and damage, just as I did with my emotionally abusive mother. Without feedback, of course, there is a risk that they may continue to damage me. This makes me feel helpless and powerless, worsening my chronic depression.

Either way, I can easily end up feeling as if life is not worth living.


Forgiveness

Fortunately, Jesus is absolutely clear that whether we speak out or say nothing, we should always forgive those who hurt us. This applies even if they never recognise what they have done, and never say they are sorry.


Conclusion

When people hurt me, I ruminate endlessly about how I responded, and what went wrong. Whether I speak out or say nothing, the outcome is equally damaging for my mental health.

Worse still, I also feel guilty for having “caused” the other person to strike back angrily at me, and to hate me from then onwards.

So, when someone hurts me, should I speak out, or say nothing? I still don’t know the answer to this question, which has plagued me all my life. All I can do is to pray for those who hurt me, asking God to guide and heal us all.

Image: Himsan, Pixabay


References

Introduction

Even my best friend, the one I trusted completely, the one who shared my food, has turned against me (Psalm 41:9; NLT).


What did Jesus say and do?

Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps (1 Peter 2:21; NIV).

You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? (Matthew 23:33; NIV).

The leading priests kept accusing him of many crimes, and Pilate asked him, “Aren’t you going to answer them? What about all these charges they are bringing against you?” But Jesus said nothing, much to Pilate’s surprise (Mark 15:3-5; NLT).

If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-4; NLT).


A. Speaking out

Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them (Luke 17:3-4; NIV.

The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me (Job 30:27; NIV).


B. Saying nothing

He was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. He was led like a lamb to the slaughter. And as a sheep is silent before the shearers, he did not open his mouth (Isaiah 53:7; NLT).

You have taken away my companions and my loved ones. Darkness is my closest friend (Psalm 88:18; NLT).

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me (Psalm 42:7;NIV).

Why wasn’t I buried like a stillborn child, like a baby who never lives to see the light? (Job 3:16; NLT).


Forgiveness

When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there [and] Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:33-4; NIV).

When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins (Mark 11:25; NLT).


Conclusion

Love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you (Luke 6:27-8; NLT)

The Lord of Hosts […] is wonderful in counsel and excellent in guidance (Isaiah 28:29; NKJV).

He will heal us (Hosea 6:1; NLT).

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