Category: Suffering

A Gethsemane prayer (for M.)

Ruth Kirk

This prayer came to me last night, as a result of the teaching during Sunday’s service at my wonderful new church. After much thought, I have stayed with how Jesus addressed God in the Garden of Gethsemane:

My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death (Matthew 26:38; NLT).

Abba,
Use my grieving mind
To love and serve all humankind.

Use my broken heart each day
So others will embrace your way.

Abba,
Use my wounded soul
To help make those who suffer whole.

Use my stricken, dying flesh
So many start their lives afresh.

Abba,
Use my ruined life
To be a willing sacrifice.

Use my dread, my pain, my cross –
Rebuilding us through hurt and loss.

Any of you who are his people may go to Jerusalem in Judah to rebuild this Temple of the LORD, the God of Israel (Ezra 1:3; NLT).

In that day I will restore the fallen house of David. I will repair its damaged walls. From the ruins I will rebuild it and restore its former glory (Amos 9:11; NLT).

References

Jesus answered and said to them, “Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up” (John 2:19; NKJV).

Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done” (Matthew 26:42; NLT).

Worship (for F.)

Ruth Kirk

Clouds and thick darkness surround him (Psalm 97:2; NIV).

Moses went into the darkness where God was (Exodus 20:21; BST).

❤️

Worship in darkness,
And worship in pain;

Worship in loneliness;
Worship in grief.

Worship in anguish,
And worship in fear;

Worship in sorrow –
For Jesus is here.

❤️

Worship in hunger,
And worship in thirst;

Worship in suffering;
Worship in dread.

Worship in sickness,
And worship in loss;

Worship in dying –
With Christ, on the cross.

❤️

Since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering (Romans 8:17; NLT).

I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath (Psalm 146:2; NLT).

References

I kept my faith, even when I said, “I am greatly afflicted” (Psalm 116:10; RSV).

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other (Ecclesiastes 7:14; NIV).

A wise person thinks a lot about death (Ecclesiastes 7:4; NLT).

Whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord (Romans 14:8; NIV).

Forgiving my mother

Ruth Kirk

Introduction
Hello, everyone. I am back home from several days in hospital with a spinal fracture, lots of soft tissue damage, lots of pain, and increased disability.

Home Communion
Two days ago my church minister came to visit me with Communion, for which I was deeply grateful.

A sense of forgiveness
However, the experience turned out to be much more significant than I could possibly have hoped. When we said the Lord’s Prayer together, I experienced a profound sense of genuinely forgiving my poor mother for all her emotional abuse, and for all the damage she did to me during her lifetime.

Stumbling block
It’s always been a major stumbling block to me that she never acknowledged what she had done, never recognised its consequences for my mental health, and never said she was sorry. Throughout my life, I have been unable to see how to get through, and over this.

Letting go and moving forwards
But when we said Christ’s prayer, I really did feel that I was forgiving her, that I could start to let the past go, and begin to move forward at last. This is an inestimable gift of healing: a pearl without price I have searched for throughout my life.

God heals
God spoke to me that day through those familiar words, which just shows that miracles can still happen, especially when we least expect them!

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26 NKJV).

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3; NIV).

References

Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us (Luke 11:4; NLT).

The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls. When he found one priceless pearl, he went and sold everything he had and bought it (Matthew 13:46; CSB).

I love you

Ruth Kirk

I love you, Lord; you are my strength (Psalm 18:1; NLT).

I love you, Lord,
And worship you,
For every word you speak
Is true,
And though I feel
So far from you –
You’re near.

I’ll bear my cross,
And follow you,
Although my heart and soul
Are blue,
For though I feel
So far from you –
You’re here.

Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age (Matthew 28:20; NLT).

Absence

Ruth Kirk

Every day is full of pain.
Every day I search in vain.
Will I see your face again,
My Saviour?

My poor heart is empty, Lord.
Still and dark, without a word
Of comfort, for no voice is heard,
My Shepherd.

Send your light, I humbly pray.
Guide me to your narrow way,
And show me, Jesus, what to say
To others.

Sharing with Christ

Ruth Kirk

Last Saturday evening I took my last dose of the drug which has made prayer and writing impossible for me. The effects had become intolerable. Today I heard the faint return of God’s voice, so I wanted to share it with you straight away, my friends.
With love from Ruth xxx.

Don’t stress, don’t strain –
Just love the Lord.

Say yes to pain –
And no to sin.

In life, in death,
With every breath,

Whatever comes,
We share with Him.

Update

Ruth Kirk

Hello at all readers. Thank you for still visiting here, despite my long absence. I last posted here on the 22nd of May, the day I started taking an additional antidepressant and anxiolytic to help me cope with my persistent, severe dread.

This problem dates back to my earliest childhood. I understand it well, and have worked for years to gain insight into it. I have had massive amounts of therapy of every possible kind that might help, including, most recently, clinical hypnotherapy. However, nothing has ever enabled me to overcome my emotions, or to live with them more comfortably.

When I realised I could go on no longer, I accepted the additional drug my doctor prescribed. For the first few weeks this drug was quite helpful. However, as soon as I started taking it, I lost all ability to pray, to hear God’s voice, and to write.

To begin with, of course, I did not know that these losses would continue, but that is, in fact, the case. Slowly, I am learning to rely on much-loved prayers I memorised long ago. Now I am trying to build a new life without the easy sense of oneness with God which sustained me for so many years, and without the daily inspiration which generated all the resources on this website.

In the last couple of weeks I have also started to face a new issue. As my body and mind grow accustomed to the new drug, anxiety and depression are creeping back. This means that the dose may soon need to be increased. Tomorrow I am due to report back to my GP, so it will be interesting to see what she advises.

All this leaves the future of Take Heart still unsettled. Last week a longstanding follower very kindly wrote to me. His letter prompted me to post this message here today, and to think more clearly about the future. One possibility is that my blog could resume in a new form, perhaps as an honest spiritual and mental health journal. Meanwhile, I continue to inhabit and explore my new spiritual territory – a life without any of the easy closeness to Christ I used to love so much.

Do let me know if you think this might be helpful to you.
With much love, from Ruth xxx

A message to all my readers

Ruth Kirk

Hello to everyone who visits this page. Some of you will know that I have been struggling with severe anxiety, dread, and depression over recent months. This has been going on ever since my childhood dread was re-triggered by something which happened on Facebook.

Today I finally saw my doctor, who is starting me on a new, extra medication. She has also referred me for consultant-level help. She and I will speak again in two weeks, unless I need urgent help before that. The new medication will take at least 4-6 weeks to start having an effect, so it’s essential that I also start learning to be gentler and kinder to myself.

Accordingly, I’m pressing “pause” on my regular writing and daily posting here, so I can focus on my own recovery by giving my body, mind, heart, and soul the rest I desperately need.

Meanwhile, all the existing posts will stay right here, in case anything in the archives is helpful to others while I’m quiet for a while.

✝️ With much love, and many blessings to you all,
From Ruth xxx

New day

Ruth Kirk

Stand every morning to thank and praise the Lord (1 Chronicles 23:30; NIV). 

Thank you, God,
For this new day.

Please help me now
To praise and pray,

And gladly welcome
All you send,

Because your love
Will never end.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends (Lamentations 3:22; NLT).

References

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God has made the one as well as the other (Ecclesiastes 7:14; NIV).

Should we accept only good things from the hand of God, and never anything bad? (Job 2:10; NLT).

Blessed is the one whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal (Job: 5:17; NIV).

Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).

I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things (Isaiah 45:7; NIV).

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised (Job 1:21; NIV).

Burnt out

Ruth Kirk

You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life (Deuteronomy 28:66; NIV).

I’m burnt out by anxiety,
My strength consumed by dread,
For stress has been my closest friend,
And fear my daily bread.

I’m damaged by abuse, Lord,
Though I’ve fought hard to repair
The consequence: no self-esteem,
Depression, and despair.

Despite my agoraphobia
I’ve done the best I could.
This life has been a challenge,
Though I’ve tried to do some good.

In spite of sickness, pain, and loss,
I’ve tackled each ordeal –
Now I’m worn down by suffering,
But you will come to heal.

Darkness is my closest friend (Psalm 88:18; NLT).

He will heal us (Hosea 6:1; NLT).