It’s been a rather eventful few days. Last week I found a lump on my sternum, so I arranged to see a doctor on Monday. He also found a swollen lymph node in the armpit on my mastectomy side. These symptoms need to be checked out, so I had a chest X-ray on Tuesday, and now have an appointment at the Breast Clinic for next Monday.
Then, on Tuesday, after a whole year of medical tests, I separately received a diagnosis of Autonomic Neuropathy, which is complicated by having a very slow heartbeat. I’ll be trying a drug treatment first, but if it doesn’t help, or proves intolerable, I’ll need to have a pacemaker fitted.
I’ve already said, “Yes”, to God, and given thanks for all these things. Next week I will hopefully be able to report back on what happens at the clinic.
Meanwhile, here is a prayer which came to me in the night after receiving my diagnosis:
If the Son sets you free, you are truly free (John 8:36; NLT).
Lord,
Though I am ill,
I’m truly free:
Free to love you,
Just as you love me;
Free to bear my cross, And follow you:
Lord, there’s nothing else
I’d rather do.
Everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him (Philippians 3:8-9; NLT).
References
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).
Rejoice always,pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; NIV).
Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).
What a difference our attitude makes to how we respond to all God sends. As Saint Paul says: “You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” (Philippians 2:5; NLT).
Last night I dreamed I was very ill. It was clear that I was dying, and that this was beyond my control, and beyond any possibility of medical intervention.
In my dream, I was aware that my attitude to death would make a huge difference to how I experienced it. I could accept what was happening, facing it willingly and putting my trust in God. Alternatively, I could resent it, get angry, and feel bitter, or afraid, even blaming God. However, no matter how I approached it, death was still inevitable.
It was a very vivid dream, and I laid awake for a long time afterwards. Eventually I gave up hoping to go back to sleep, so I sat up in bed with a hot drink, and began to pray. To my surprise, as soon as I had said the Lord’s Prayer, today’s blog began to arrive:
In his anguish he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground (Luke 22:44; NET).
I’m hot. I’m cold.
I’m restless. I can’t sleep.
Into my mind, Lord,
Doubts and questions creep:
Can I face all that’s coming
Without fear?
Yahweh, I know I can’t,
But you are here
To help me bear
Whatever you may send:
My Lord, my God,
My Comforter, and Friend.
Now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God (Romans 5:11; NLT).
References
I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things (Isaiah 45:7; NLT).
TheLORDgives, andtheLORDtakes away. Blessed be the name of theLORD (Job 1:21; CSB).
The LORD gives both death and life (I Samuel 2:6; NLT).
He …became anguished and distressed (Matthew 26:37; NET).
Look – the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners (Matthew 26:45; NLT).
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; KJV).
I want your will to be done, not mine (Mark 14:36; NLT).
He shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever (John 14:16; KJV).
Recently, I’ve been exploring my dreams in a new way – an approach which shows me the unresolved emotional issues hidden away in my unconscious mind.
Following what I learned a few days ago (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dph), the next night I began noting down the overall theme, or essence, of each dream. I did this every time I woke, whilst my memories were still fresh.
By the time I was fully awake next morning, I had a list of all the emotions which had surfaced from my unconscious mind into my dreams that night. For the first time ever, I could consciously connect with them, pray about them, and work with them.
It’s very early days, but the major themes and emotional states I’ve identified so far are: insecurity, anger, losing my temper, lack of confidence, failure and illness.
Having embarked on this inner journey, I have faith that I’ll keep on learning, although it’s impossible to predict what will be revealed next, which is very exciting.
I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).
The Rosary Hospital
Having completed the “pretty” rosary I started yesterday, here is a photo of it. I’m hoping to deliver it tomorrow, or on Saturday:
How quickly our lives can change! A sudden illness, accident, disaster or loss can occur at any time, but God is always with us, no matter what happens.
The Lord holds them by the hand (Psalm 37:24; NLT).
You hold our hands, And light our path,
You hold us dear,
And help us pray,
You hold us close Till our last breath:
We’re safe with you, In life and death.
Whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord (Romans 14:8; NLT).
References
Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NKJV).
Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).
Yesterday morning I learned something that was completely new to me. I had begun a migraine the evening before, so I knew I needed to have a day of complete rest to help it pass.This rest-day happened to coincide with the day a friend’s husband was due to have major surgery.
Suddenly I saw the migraine as a blessing in disguise, because it created the time, space and opportunity I needed to pray for them both throughout the day. Immediately after this, I grasped that many other illnesses and adverse circumstances could also be used in the same way.
It may be that seeing our own sickness as an opportunity for intercession is linked to our willingness to embrace suffering, and to thank God for it. There is much I don’t yet understand about this subject, but I hope to learn more.
For now, I glimpse that this approach to illness could become a helpful, meaningful way of sharing Christ’s suffering, and of serving others. Perhaps it could even be described as a “vocation”.
Together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering (Romans 8:17; NLT).
So, as a prisoner in the Lord, I beg you to walk in a manner worthy of the vocation to which you have been called: with all humility and meekness, with patience, supporting one another in charity (Ephesians 4:1-2; CPDV).
References
God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28; NLT).
He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10; NKJV).
Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies (2 Corinthians 4:10; NLT).
I want your will to be done, not mine (Luke 22:42; NLT).
In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).
A few days ago I was thinking about what a struggle it can be just to give to others, though perhaps giving is relatively easy in comparison to many of life’s other challenges. Almost before I knew it, I had to start writing today’s blog:
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).
Many things in life
Are hard, Lord:
Giving, saying sorry,
And forgiving those who hurt us;
Facing fear, enduring failure,
Illness, disability, and grief.
Yet, with prayer and practice,
They get easier to manage,
Till they become
A source of growth,
Of thankfulness –
And even inner peace.
PeaceI leave with you; mypeaceIgiveyou (John 14:27; NIV).
References
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).
We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and arecalledaccording to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28; NLT).
Sunrise over the sea, taken from my front door yesterday morning
Context: On Sunday evening I was reading about the Annunciation, and reflecting on how Mary freely chose to bear God’s Son. Then today’s question and answer dialogue came straight into my mind, all at once:
And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word (Luke 1:38; KJV).
I want your will to be done, not mine (Matthew 26:39; NLT).
Will you accept this illness? Yes, I will, Lord. Do you accept this pain? Yes, Lord, I do.
Can you accept this trouble? Yes, I can, Lord,
And I’ll embrace my cross with joy
For you.
Will you accept this burden? Yes, Lord, freely. Do you accept this grief? Yes, Lord, I do.
Can you accept this anguish? Yes, Lord, gladly,
So I’ll give thanks, and bear my cross
For you.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).
References
Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).
I am glad when I suffer for you in my body, for I am participating in the sufferings of Christ that continue for his body, the church (Colossians 1:24; NLT).
If we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering (Romans 8:17; NLT).
Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies (2 Corinthians 4:10; NLT).
Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me” (Mark 8:34; NLT).
Rosary-making news: The Rosary Hospital (with thanks to J.W.)
On Sunday I finally hit on the best way for me to make Fiat Rosaries successfully. These rosaries help the user to explore all four mysteries in one cycle of prayer. The story of how they began is available here: https://associationfiat.com, in several different languages.
The same evening, a friend offered to send me some broken rosaries, to my great delight. I’ve already received a box of similar materials from a shop in Walsingham, and am recycling their usable parts to make corded rosaries.
My husband commented dryly that I’m now running a “Rosary Hospital”, which felt instantly significant. As I don’t charge for what I make, recycling rosary parts helps to keep my costs down. If recipients want to, they can donate to the Community of Our Lady of Walsingham.
Making rosaries is a spiritual exercise, and a form of ministry which brings me great pleasure and purpose, though I still have much to learn. If the Rosary Hospital idea develops further, I’ll post about it here.
Meanwhile, here is yesterday’s non-Fiat rosary (making one each day is enough for my arthritic hands). It’s extra large, chunky and tactile, made especially for an elderly lady:
Context: I have very long experience of living with chronic illness and fatigue, but it’s interesting to observe how wearing it is to have Covid on top of this. Although I tested negative for the first time last Sunday, my symptoms continue, and the virus certainly isn’t giving up its grip yet.
I’m vividly aware that all around the world hundreds of thousands have died of their infection, whilst countless others are suffering, or have been left disabled. My only coping technique is to say, “Yes”, to God at every moment, and to keep on whispering, “Thank you, Jesus.”
It’s impossible to predict the outcome of this illness for each individual, including me, so all I can do is to put my trust God, who brings good from everything, no matter what happens:
I love you, LORD; you are my strength (Psalm 18:1; NLT).
I love you
As I wake again
To yet another
Day of pain.
Don’t leave me here
To live in vain,
I pray.
I love you,
And I seek your face.
I long to know
Your warm embrace,
Receive your kiss,
And share your grace –
One day.
I love you,
And I choose your will,
With thanks
For every good and ill.
Lord, help me, please,
For you are still
My Way.
Jesus told him, “I am the way” (John 14:6; NLT).
References
Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless (Philippians 2:16; NLT).
The LORD will work out his plans for my life – for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me (Psalm 138:8; NLT).
My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, LORD, I will seek (Psalm 27:8; NIV).
May God the Father and Christ Jesus our Savior give you grace and peace (Titus 1:4; NLT).
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16; NIV).
All of you share in God’s grace with me (Philippians 1:7; NIV).
I want your will to be done, not mine (Luke 22:42; NLT).
I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things (Isaiah 45:7; NLT).
When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn (Psalm 142:3; NLT).
Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left (Isaiah 30:21; NLT).
Context: Early yesterday morning, during silent contemplation, some words started to thrust themselves upon me. I tried ignoring them, hoping they would drift away. However, they became more and more insistent, until eventually I had to write them down.
Their source was a story told during a zoom session I had attended a few days earlier. The meeting was part of a two-year process of spiritual formation and discernment which I recently joined. The speaker described her dear friend’s practice of responding immediately to events she saw as negative by saying, “Thank you, Jesus.”
This approach to life’s many trials and sorrows certainly beats other reactions, such as impatience, anger, swearing, stress, blaming others and self-pity. Accordingly, I have now started using this practice myself.
Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).
So, as soon as anything happens which I feel to be “negative”, I respond to it immediately by saying, “Thank you, Jesus”. With practice, this approach rapidly starts to become habitual. It’s remarkable how quickly it defuses my negative reactions, turning my mind straight back to God, and getting events into perspective.
An example
A good example of this happened yesterday when I wanted to print a single copy of a prayer from my iPad. The printer is in another room, so I couldn’t see what was happening. After a short time I became aware of a characteristic sound: paper crashing to the floor every few seconds. I hurried to the printer, which was churning out page after page.
My old reaction of instantaneous irritation rose up for a split-second, but then I remembered my new practice, said, “Thank you, Jesus”, spontaneously beginning to laugh as I picked up the paper. All the sting of the event had been removed by those three little words. Then I cut the pages in half and stapled them together to make a little notebook, bringing good from bad.
Opportunities for practicing
Here are a few general examples of opportunities to introduce this practice, but I’m sure you can quickly think of many more:
Trivial irritations and frustrations
Minor misunderstandings and disappointments
Spilling, dropping, or breaking something
Making a mistake, getting something wrong
Accidents and falls
Events not working out as I had hoped
Someone hurts me
Failing at something
Delays, postponements and cancellations
Sickness, pain and disability
Undergoing medical treatment
Receiving bad news
Losing the capacity to do something I used to manage, or enjoy
Losing someone I love, or someone I rely on
Feeling depressed, anxious, afraid, or panic-stricken
Three precious words
To these, and more, as they occur, I will now respond as quickly as possible with those three, precious, deceptively simple words: “Thank you, Jesus”. What a difference they make! Why not try it for yourself?
Thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! (Romans 7:25; CSB).
References
The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD (Job 1:21; CSB).
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the LORD (Psalm 116:17; NIV).
Should we accept only good things from the hand of God, and never anything bad? (Job 2:10; NLT).
Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows (John 16:33; NLT).
Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you (Isaiah 30:20; NLT).
I want your will to be done, not mine (Luke 22:42; NLT).
Patient endurance is what you need now (Hebrews 10:36; NLT).
Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realise that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life (Ecclesiastes 7:14; NLT).
The LORD your God istesting youto see if you truly love him with all your heart and soul (Deuteronomy 13:3; NLT).
Rosary news:
I’ve run out of cord, but more is on order, so will hopefully arrive soon. Meanwhile, today I put all my kit into an organiser box, rather than having it loosely mixed up together in a tray:
Context: I’m so drained that I’m finding prayer very difficult. Depression is creeping closer, threatening to overwhelm me. Two days ago I sat on the floor with my back resting against the wall, attempting to pray. After a time of silence, this little poem arrived:
I weep with sorrow (Psalm 119:28; NLT).
1. I weep with pain and sorrow, Lord,
With loneliness, and grief.
2. Weariness destroys my freedom,
Sickness is a thief.
3. Anguish closes over me, It suffocates, like sin,
4. Yet still your love beats in my blood,
For you, Lord, live within.
Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).
References
1.He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Matthew 26:37-9; NLT).
2.Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go (John 21:18; NIV).
3.Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me (Psalm 42:7; NIV).
4.You are the temple of the living God (Luke 17:21; NKJV).
Don’t you realise that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you? (1 Corinthians 3:16; NLT).
