Today’s blog came as a complete surprise. A few days ago I was praying whilst touching my icon of Christ, when it arrived in a split second. I scribbled it down as best I could, and within ten minutes it was finished. Its conclusion left me stunned.
Behold, I am with you every day, even unto the end of time (Matthew 28:20; ABPE).
Lord,
To be constantly aware
Of your presence,
Always in communion with you,
And being completely honest with you
All the time,
Sharing everything I experience,
Feel, think, do and say
With you,
And enjoying times of silence together
When there is nothing
Either of us needs to say
Is healing.
I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).
References
You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).
Look now; I myself am he! There is no other god but me! I am the one who kills and gives life; I am the one who wounds and heals; no one can be rescued from my powerful hand! (Deuteronomy 32:39; NLT).
We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
The LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion (Isaiah 30:18; NLT).
Confide in him at all times, ye people; pour out your heart before him: God is our refuge (Psalm 62:8; DBY).
As for me, I will confide in thee (Psalm 55:23; DBY).
Stand in silence in the presence of the Sovereign LORD (Zephaniah 1:7; NLT).
Pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7; NLT).
Today’s article is the last in a series of three. It draws together what I have learned so far about honest prayer, including praying about the issues hidden in my shadow-self. If you would like to check out the previous two parts, here is the link to Part 1: https://wp.me/p45bCr-dXu, and for Part 2: https://wp.me/p45bCr-dXD.
Then the Lord said to him, “You Pharisees are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy – full of greed and wickedness!” (Luke 11:39; NLT).
Following Biblical teaching on prayer, I want to:
Pray about everything (Philippians 4:6; NLT).
Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NIV).
Pray simply (Matthew 6:7-13; NLT).
Pray truthfully (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
And these are the things I don’t want to do:
Pray about what I think I should pray about.
Say what I think God wants to hear.
Ask for what I think I should ask for.
Hide whatever is happening in my shadow-self.
My way forward in prayer is to:
Be completely honest, straightforward and direct with God.
Confess my sins as soon as I’m aware of them, say sorry to God, then to the person concerned, and work towards reconciliation, if possible.
Tell God about everything in my shadow-self, especially the issues I would rather hide, ignore, or deny.
Jesus shared everything with God, so I can do the same. For example, I can:
Ask questions, express doubts, and weep.
Tell God about my self-pity, shame and regrets.
Express my frustration, irritation, anger, fear, anguish, grief, dread and despair.
Conclusions
I don’t want to “sanitise” my prayers by concealing my shadow-self. Neither will I say anything which is untrue. For example, I don’t recite prayers about being joyful or loving when these things are not genuinely present in my emotions and behaviour.
Rather, I want to speak the truth in prayer with complete honesty and openness at all times. Nothing I say will ever surprise or shock God, who knows everything about me long before I begin to speak. In fact, he is waiting for me to come to him and to confide in him, just as Jesus confided in him during his time on earth.
The LORDmustwaitfor you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion (Isaiah 30:18; NLT).
Additional references
Beforeaword is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely (Psalm 139:4; NIV).
I know every thought that comes into your minds (Ezekiel 11:5; NLT).
He knows the secrets of every heart (Psalm 44:21; NLT).
I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives (Jeremiah 17:10; ESV).
O LORD, you have examined my heart and knoweverythingaboutme (Psalm 139:1; NLT).
The LORD’s light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive (Proverbs 20:27; NLT).
In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).
Confide in him at all times, ye people; pour out your heart before him: God is our refuge (Psalm 62:8; DBY).
As for me, I will confide in thee (Psalm 55:23; DBY).
We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
The Rosary Hospital
I took a few days off from making rosaries, following the completion of my largest project so far, and because my anxiety and depression are high. Today’s Fiat rosary is the first of a new order.
Briton Rivière – The Temptation in the Wilderness. Wikimedia Commons.
Today’s blog is part two in a series of three short articles discussing the importance of facing and sharing the contents of the shadow-self in honest prayer.
Jesus’ shadow-self
Yesterday’s blog (https://wp.me/p45bCr-dXu), was personal, but today’s will focus on how Jesus faced and expressed his shadow, both with God, and with people. We can have no better example than his.
Temptation (Matthew 4:1-11; NLT)
During the Gospel accounts of Jesus’ forty days in the wilderness, his shadow-self is represented as a being who tempts him to go against his conscience by disobeying God.
These accounts show plainly that even Christ suffered from temptation. Like us, he had to wrestle with, resist, and overcome, his seductive fantasies and impulses. He needed to do this in order to face the huge personal sacrifices his ministry would require of him:
We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin (Hebrews 4:15; NIV).
Irritation (Luke 9:37-43; NLT)
At times, Jesus became exasperated, both with his followers, and with the Scribes and Pharisees. For example, when his disciples were unable to heal a boy suffering from epilepsy, Jesus became frustrated and irritated. Instead of concealing how he felt, he spoke to them very directly and honestly:
You faithless and corrupt people! How long must I be with you and put up with you? (Luke 9:41; NLT).
Then, having expressed how he felt, he healed the boy, and gave him back to his father.
Anger (John 2:13-17; NLT)
When Jesus saw the established corruption and exploitation taking place in the Temple at Jerusalem he was filled with anger. He purposefully made a whip, using it to drive the merchants and money-changers out of the temple. Chaos resulted as he overturned their stalls, scattered their takings, and chased away their sacrificial animals, whilst crying out:
Get these things out of here. Stop turning my Father’s house into a marketplace! (John 2:13-16; NLT).
Anger, whether righteous or otherwise, is part of everyone’s shadow, however much we might prefer to deny and suppress it.
Grief (John 11:1-45; NLT)
When Jesus heard that his friend was very sick, he delayed visiting him and his sisters. Two days later, knowing that Lazarus had died, he set off to their house. There he experienced the anger and tears which so often characterise human grief. It’s inspiring to see Jesus’ human emotions shared so openly to those around him:
When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled (John 11:33; NLT).
Then Jesus wept (John 11:36; NLT).
Fear (Matthew 26:36-46; NLT)
After the Last Supper, Jesus went with his disciples to an olive grove to pray. Overwhelmed by the profound fear rising from his shadow, he could not conceal his anguish. Realising what he was about to undergo, he begged God to take his suffering away.
I find it oddly reassuring to know that even Jesus experienced and expressed dread, longing for it to be taken away. At Gethsemane, as always, his prayers were absolutely direct, unembellished by flowery language, honest, short and to the point:
He became anguished and distressed (Matthew 26:37; NLT).
He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Matthew 26:39; NLT).
He was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood (Luke 22:44; NLT).
Looking ahead
Examining Jesus shadow-side has been a significant challenge for me, but I want to learn from him:
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me (Matthew 11:29; NIV).
Tomorrow I hope to draw some conclusions from this short series on honest prayer.
Studies of a woman praying, by Ludwig Emil Grimm, Creative Commons.
Today’s blog is the first in a series of three, each of which considers the vital importance of honesty in prayer.
Honesty
The Bible makes it plain that God wants us to be completely honest in prayer, rather than trying to offer a sanitised, partial, or censored version of ourselves as we think God wants us to be:
You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).
Personally, I find it a relief to share everything with God, including my sins, and the shadow parts of myself I would rather keep hidden, or whose existence I would prefer to ignore or deny. Although sharing all this can be painful, it is vital for my ongoing process of inner healing.
For me, prayer means living in awareness of God’s constant presence, listening, learning, and sharing with God all I experience, feel, think, say and do. This is a relationship in which self-censorship, pretence, concealment and denial are pointless, as God already knows everything about me:
Beforeaword is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely (Psalm 139:4; NIV).
O LORD, you have examined my heart and knoweverythingaboutme (Psalm 139:1; NLT).
I therefore want my communion with God to be constant, spontaneous, immediate, heartfelt, direct and raw. This requires continuous awareness of what is going on in my shadow, as well as in my more “public” face.
My shadow
Long experience has shown me that when I don’t acknowledge, and deal with, the contents of my shadow, they make their presence felt through unbidden thoughts and impulses, anxiety, dread, panic attacks, depression and bad dreams.
Paying conscious attention to these aspect of myself and exploring their underlying causes helps me to connect with them more fully. This enables me to pray about them, and take action to resolve them. For example, if I remember an unconfessed sin, I can confess it in prayer, then try to make amends by following Jesus’ teaching:
If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-4; NIV).
Looking ahead
Tomorrow I plan to publish the second part of this series on honest prayer. It will look at Jesus’ shadow, and how he dealt with it. Meanwhile, let’s end with a short reading:
A reading: Psalm 66:16-20; NLT
Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what he did for me. For I cried out to him for help, praising him as I spoke. If I had not confessed the sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But God did listen! He paid attention to my prayer. Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw his unfailing love from me.
You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life (Deuteronomy 28:66; NIV).
Introduction: Today’s blog is both personal and heartfelt. It summarises what I’m learning about a painful issue which has plagued me for the last 70 years. I refer here to my dread of being rejected and unloved, whether by a person or by God, as a result of my having done something wrong.
This fear started when I was very small. My mother never forgave me for anything I did which she considered to be wrong. Years later she would bring up issues from the past, still blaming me for whatever I had done that had offended her. With hand on heart, I can say that I never did anything on purpose to hurt her. I was far too afraid of her to even think of taking such a risk. In fact, I lived in mortal dread of her no longer loving me, and of her completely rejecting me.
Sadly, in parallel with this, I was taught at our local Catholic church that a recording angel noted down every sin I committed. No sin was ever forgiven, removed, or forgotten. They all went into the angel’s book, ready be held against me on judgement day.
It was clear to me that there was no escape from judgement, condemnation and rejection, either at home, beyond childhood, or after death. Perhaps it’s not surprising that I have struggled with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, phobias and dread throughout my life.
Of course, I’ve known about God’s forgiveness for a long time, but have never been able to believe it included me. Nor have I been able to “feel” forgiven, and start afresh. Rather, forgiveness has always seemed to be just for other people, as I never deserved it.
Without any hope of forgiveness, my fear of condemnation, withdrawal of love and rejection together create a sense of dread, which is triggered whenever I offend someone. Once triggered, it becomes chronic. This is the heaviest burden I have carried throughout my life, and has always been impossible to put down. It is probably the underlying cause of all my other issues.
So, here is a summary of what I’ve learned so far in my search for a way out of dread, which is essentially a search for inner peace. Each of the five points is supported by Biblical verses I find particularly helpful.
Honesty: Inner peace comes from being honest about my sins, saying sorry to the person concerned, and being reconciled to them, if at all possible. When the relevant person is not contactable, or if they are dead, I whisper to them, addressing them by name, and apologising to them, with God as my witness.
References: You desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there (Psalm 51:6; NLT).
If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-4; NLT).
The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. Youwillnotreject a broken and repentant heart, O God (Psalm 51:17; NLT).
Trust: Inner peace comes from trusting God, who promises to forgive me when I repent, and never to remember my sin again. He also promises never to reject or abandon me. He is close beside me, and will comfort me, no matter what happens.
References: Trust in God, and trust also in me (John 14:1; NLT).
He forgives all my sins (Psalm 103:3; NLT).
The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29; NLT).
I will forgive their wickedness, and I will never again remember their sins (Hebrews 8:12; NLT).
No one is abandoned by the Lord forever (Lamentations 3:31; NLT).
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18; NIV).
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).
Conscience: Inner peace comes from facing and dealing with my sins in the ways described above, constantly aware of my behaviour, and working hard to restore my relationships, in order to maintain a clear conscience.
References: I always try to maintain a clear conscience before God and all people (Acts 24:16; NLT).
Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water (Hebrews 10:22; NIV).
Confidence: Inner peace comes from being confident that God loves me just as I am, and forever.
References: Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God (1 John 5:14; NLT).
My heart is confident in you, O God; my heart is confident (Psalm 57:7; NLT).
He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD‘s faithfulness endures forever (Psalm 117:2; NLT).
Peace: Inner peace comes from knowing that God will never stop loving me, or reject me, so I cling to my faith in Christ.
References: The Lord is peace (Judges 6:24; NLT).
God sent his Son into the world not to condemn the world, but so that through him the world might be saved. No one who believes in him will be condemned (John 3:17-18; JB).
I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid (John 14:27; NLT).
Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear (1 Timothy 1:19; NLT).
Conclusion: I don’t think I have reached the end of this journey of exploration and discovery yet, as I’m still learning a little more day by day about how to move from dread to inner peace of mind and heart. Until I reach that goal, the dread continues, so I must do my best to say “Yes” to it, and to thank God for it.
References: “Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet Iwant your will tobedone, notmine” (Mark 14:36; NLT).
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV).
He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people (Titus 2:14; NLT).
The Rosary Hospital
A large Fiat rosary for someone with sight issues, or loss of finger sensation.
Today’s prayer came to me last Friday morning, very soon after waking up. I welcomed it immediately, and went with its flow. It summarises everything I’ve been learning about God’s forgiveness over the last few weeks, and throughout my whole life.
As I mentioned yesterday (https://wp.me/p45bCr-dR3), being forgiven is a very difficult subject for me. I didn’t experience forgiveness as a child, and have never understood it, or been able to believe in it, or to feel it for myself, then move on. Fortunately, despite this, I can readily offer forgiveness to others.
How kind the LORD is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours! (Psalm 116:5; NLT).
Yahweh,
You are merciful,
And kind.
So when I face my sins, Lord,
And repent,
And when I’m honest with those I’ve hurt,
And tell them what I’ve done,
And when I say I’m sorry, Lord,
And try to put things right:
Then, you forgive me,
Wiping out my sin;
Then, you remember
Each new wrong no more,
Loving me still, Lord, Just as you did before.
He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever (Psalm 117:2; NLT).
References
If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-4; NLT).
Forget the events of the past, ignore the things of long ago. Look, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth – can’t you see it? I’m making a road in the desert and setting rivers to flow in the wasteland (Isaiah 43:18-19; TIB).
He forgives all my sins (Psalm 103; 3; NLT).
Who am I? I’m the one who wipes out your offenses! For my own sake, I do not remember your wrongs (Isaiah 43:25; TIB).
I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins (Isaiah 43:25; NKJV).
LongShadows. Self-portrait of photographer with friend. Lackland AFB, San Antonio, Texas (November 2006). Photo by Peter Rimar; Wikimedia.
Today’s verses came to me yesterday morning as I lay in silent prayer shortly after waking up. They arrived with an involuntary groan, and struck me to the heart.
If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-4; NLT).
I can’t be whole without my shadow, Lord,
Without the parts I bury and deny.
For you know all about me, good and bad:
The sins I haven’t faced, which underlie
The guilt and shame tormenting me within, My sharp regrets, my cowardice and dread
Of being honest, Lord, with those I’ve hurt.
Please help me to confess at last, instead.
Accepting all the anger I deserve,
I’ll say I’m sorry, ceasing to defend
Myself against the truth of every wrong,
And then my shadow will become my friend.
With you, I’ll face the darkness in my soul;
My conscience will be healed, then I’ll be whole.
He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but Hishands make whole (Job 5:18; NKJV).
References
Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely (Psalm 139:4; NIV).
I know every thought that comes into your minds (Ezekiel 11:5; NLT).
He knows the secrets of every heart (Psalm 44:21; NLT).
The LORD’s light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive (Proverbs 20:27; NLT).
You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).
Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked (1 Timothy 1:19; NLT).
The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith (1 Timothy 1:5; NLT).
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; KJV).
Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear (1 Timothy 1:19; NLT).
The Rosary Hospital
Yesterday evening I enjoyed making a long, chunky Fiat rosary, suitable for someone with sensory issues of sight or touch. Fiat rosaries don’t usually have a centrepiece, and in making this one, I discovered a way of managing without, which was new for me. I particularly like the heavy cross, which came as part of a donation of used and broken rosaries. My warm thanks to its generous donor.
Today’s blog is about the shadow self. This term encompasses all the aspects of ourselves we find so uncomfortable, shameful and unacceptable that we ignore, conceal, or deny them. However, it is essential to find ways of recognising and expressing these hidden aspects, so we can integrate them into a fuller understanding of ourselves (see “Owning your own shadow” by Robert A. Johnson; Harper One: 1991).
My shadow, for example, includes sin, guilt, shame, selfishness, self-pity, depression, irritability, judging, anxiety, fear, resentment, bitterness, anger, insecurity and feeling unwanted. For a long time, I have habitually taken captive my thoughts and feelings along these lines, saying sorry to God as soon as I become aware of them. I then replace them with something more loving, in accordance with Paul’s teaching (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV). However, until very recently, I have never considered choosing to express them in any other way.
Instead, I generally keep negative feelings and thoughts concealed in my shadow. Unfortunately, this is unhealthy, as these spontaneous aspects of myself are significant aspects of my whole being.
Being honest
Over the last few weeks I’ve begun to grasp the spiritual importance of maintaining a constant awareness of what is happening in my shadow. This enables me to be more honest with myself, with God, and, potentially, with other people.
Of course, I don’t want to simply “act out” the contents of my shadow through impulsive, uncontrolled behaviour. Rather, I want to be in touch with them, so I can choose how to respond. Moreover, if I decide to express them, I want to do so as safely and constructively as possible, for the sake of both others and myself.
Such expression doesn’t necessarily mean voicing my shadow self directly, though occasionally this may be appropriate. Instead, I choose to express my shadow through dance, writing and prayer. Art, music, sports and many other activities can also provide alternative creative outlets.
It won’t go away
Staying in touch with my shadow self and finding safe ways to express it is essential, because ignoring it does not make it go away. Trying to push challenging emotions such as anger, hatred and fear out of awareness leaves them free to create havoc in the unconscious mind. This is how sudden outbursts of exasperation, temper, violence and panic can seem to strike “out of the blue”.
The Psalms
The Psalms offer a healthy example of honouring the shadow by expressing it honestly in prayer, alongside more positive aspects of the self. The writer of Psalm Three, for example, begins by praising God for helping them in the face of their enemies’ threats. The tone remains positive until verse seven, when it changes dramatically, as the author gives vent to the pent-up fear, anger and vengefulness concealed in their shadow:
“Arise, O LORD! Rescue me, my God! Slap all my enemies in the face! Shatter the teeth of the wicked!” (Psalm 3:7; NLT).
Once these negative impulses have been fully voiced, the writer is able to finish on a more positive note:
“Victory comes from you, O LORD. May you bless your people” (Psalm 3:8; NLT).
If the writer had sanitised this psalm by omitting the thoughts and emotions hidden in their shadow, it would have been incomplete. This would have made it far less helpful to both themself and their future readers.
Conclusion The raw, spontaneous truths hidden in our shadow are vital aspects of the self, treasures without which we cannot be complete. To reject them means being out of contact with essential aspects of ourselves.
Learning to integrate the contents of our shadow with our more positive thoughts and emotions is therefore vital for authentic spiritual growth and healing. As Johnson states: “These disowned parts are extremely valuable and cannot be disregarded… To honour and accept one’s shadow is a profound spiritual discipline. It is whole-making and thus holy and the most important experience of a lifetime” (Johnson; ibid, pp ix-x).
So now, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:
You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT).
Lord,
Thank you for my shadow –
May I face it,
Acknowledging its role
In all I do.
Thank you for my shadow –
May I own it,
So I can choose
To share it all with you.
Thank you for my shadow –
May I love it,
For you desire my honesty,
I know.
Thank you for my shadow –
I embrace it. Lord, may these secret riches
Help me grow.
I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).
The moment I began to pray before my icon of Mary yesterday morning, I saw the overall theme of the dream from which I had just woken. It was truly astonishing, because during this dream, I had liked my mother.
This may not sound very significant, but it was a first for me. During the dream, I wasn’t afraid of her. I was able to compliment her on her appearance, and give her some direct feedback. It was extraordinary to feel comfortable about being around her.
None of these things ever happened during her lifetime because I was afraid of her. I hated being with her, and loathed her touch and the sound of her voice. I took care to avoid her as far as possible.
Over the years I have had many nightmares about my mother – horrible dreams in which I’ve tried to stand up to her and woken up shouting. However, in last night’s dream I actually enjoyed her company.
In real life, I never loved or trusted my mother, but this dream gave me my first ever glimpse of what a much healthier mother/daughter relationship might feel like.So, I’m going to hold on to the mother I spent time with in my dream: a smart, trim, approachable woman in a fitted, green, woollen suit, wearing red lipstick; a woman who willingly contributed to a community event in an official capacity; chatty, relaxed, and able to accept honest feedback.
As I reflected on my dream, it felt strangely healing, as if a lifetime of emotional suffering and mental illness could somehow be redeemed by a single, brief, positive experience.
I thanked God for giving me this dream about what my mother could have become if her own life had been different, for having dreamed about having a good relationship with her, and especially for the brief, precious experience of liking her.
Every night, just before I settle down to sleep, I ask God to help me be a Christian in my dreams, to know Christ’s constant presence there, and even to see his face. I started doing this because for the last six months or so nearly all of my dreams have been vivid, disturbing, distressing and sometimes frightening.
Looking back
I began writing about this issue on the 27th of October 2022. If you would like to look back through this thread, here are the links to some relevant blogs:
Yesterday, at last, I started to understand the purpose of these dreams:
Through them I repeatedly face situations, relationships, dilemmas, difficulties and turning-points which are similar in essence to those I have actually experienced during my life. So, as I work through these challenges again and again in my dreams, I have many opportunities to practice dealing with them more effectively.
In the past
In the past, when alarming things happened to me in real life, I simply reacted instinctively, like a cornered animal, unable to think about, or to control, my response.
Depending on the particular circumstances, my behavioural repertoire included getting upset, losing my temper, panicking, running away, anxious avoidance, being filled with dread, and saying nothing to the person concerned.
Sadly, none of these makes for a happy, healthy emotional life. Indeed, they create further issues by exacerbating and perpetuating existing problems. I can say this with complete confidence because I’ve spent my life wrestling with such issues, and struggling to overcome them.
New learning
However, to my delight, I’m now beginning to gain some significant insight into my bad dreams:
Firstly, they help me to connect my psychological issues with the serious damage done to my conscious and unconscious mental development by my mother’s emotional abuse.
Secondly, now aged 70, I observe that at last I’m beginning to react differently to challenging events in my dreams. This suggests that the assertiveness skills and emotional stability I have consciously worked so hard to acquire and develop as an adult are now slowly being integrated into my unconscious mind as well. I attribute this change to the prayer I say each night before sleeping, and thank God for this very significant form of gradual healing – the healing of my bad dreams.
One major theme
One theme that really stands out for me is the difference it makes when I speak out openly, directly and honestly in my dreams, rather than feeling helpless, powerless, silenced, weak and afraid.
It’s easy to see that the pattern of fear, silence and avoidance, unconsciously developed for the sake of self-preservation during my childhood, has been the underlying cause of my long history of anxiety, depression, panic attacks and phobias, especially the agoraphobia and claustrophobia which have characterised and dominated my life.
Understanding this makes me realise, yet again, that God really does bring good from everything, even, in my case, the mental suffering and ingrained defence mechanisms which result from having a narcissistic, controlling and emotionally abusive mother.
Conclusion
My guess is that as I become able to deal more skilfully with the difficult situations arising in my dreams, the bad ones will gradually cease. However, even if they continue, their fear factor will be greatly reduced by my responses to them being very different. So yesterday I added a new line to my final prayer of the day:
Lord,
Please let me know your presence in my dreams. Whatever I experience in my sleep, may I face it with you, and deal with it as a Christian, speaking the truth in love directly, openly, confidently, and honestly.
I ask this through your own dear name. Amen.
STOP PRESS: Last night I had a potentially very distressing dream about being lost in London, exhausted and unable to walk. This is a standard agoraphobic/chronic illness nightmare for me. To my amazement, on waking, I remembered how I was able to ask for help from a stranger, and that although I was fully aware of my situation, I wasn’t afraid. Isn’t that truly amazing?
References
God gave Daniel the special ability to interpret the meanings of visions and dreams (Daniel 1:17; NLT).
God can tell you what it means and set you at ease (Genesis 41:16; NLT).
Keep on seeking, and you will find (Luke 11:9; NLT).
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NKJV).
We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).
God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28; NLT).
Fun with fermenting
Yesterday I looked carefully at my raisin starter, and found tall, thin filaments of mould growing on it, so, sadly, it had to go into the bin. However, I’m still confidently making my usual yoghurt and buttermilk, so I haven’t given up fermenting altogether.
