Category: Depression

No door

Ruth Kirk

It’s a week since I said I would update you all about how I plan to move forward with Take heart. In that time I have experienced a lot of pain and distress, some spiritual highs and lows, and some amazing personal insights. Thank you to those who have contacted me to express your sympathy and support: you have made a big difference.

So, from now on I will:

  1. Continue to write what God gives me.
  2. Post a blog whenever I feel driven to share (not necessarily every day).
  3. Encourage you to share my posts with others, if you feel this might help them.
  4. List fewer references.
  5. Suggest short Bible readings, when appropriate.
  6. Post significant blogs when they are ready, rather than aiming for a set time of day.

Please feel free to send polite comments. Blogging is a very lonely and exacting task, so constructive feedback and encouragement are always welcome.

Meanwhile, I continue to pray for all those who visit Take heart each day.

With much love, and many blessings to you all, from Ruth xxx

TODAY’S BLOG

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who knows
Our fearfulness.

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who holds
Our loneliness.

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who shares
Our wretchedness.

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who bears
Our suffering.

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

Be sure of this: I am with you always (Matthew 28:20; NLT).

Take captive every thought

Ruth Kirk

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV).

How my mind works
On 29.1.26. I was able to grasp how my mind works for the first time. Today’s blog describes what I learned.

Introduction
I automatically check all my thoughts, everything I am about to say, and everything I want to do, however trivial, to see whether they are within the rules of what is acceptable to whoever I am with. If I judge they are not acceptable, I suppress them immediately. My default approach is to stop myself from saying or doing whatever I want to, in case it breaches a social rule I do not know. I self-inhibit in this way hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times every day. Only very recently, since I started thinking about Autism, have I become aware of this inner process and started to understand its purpose and consequences a bit more. I realise now that it is a form of self-censorship, whose purpose is self-protection.

Unspoken rules
If, even for a moment, I forget to filter everything I want to say and do, it’s always disastrous. I spontaneously say or do something which shocks others, and has clearly broken a social rule I have not grasped. This is always very embarrassing and awkward socially, both with individuals, and within groups. It leaves me feeling stupid, ashamed, guilty and a complete failure.

Consequences
Such events trigger my automatic dread reflex instantly, and, with a sinking heart, I know that this dread will be with me day and night for months. In fact, I will never fully recover from it. Another relationship which may have offered a little hope, or at least some brief social contact, has been permanently destroyed.

This constant checking and the suppression of every impulse helps to prevent me from breaking unspoken social rules, so I can feel relatively acceptable to others. Unfortunately, as it is entirely habitual, I do it even when I am alone.

Rumination
After each such event I ruminate endlessly about what happened, feeling terrible about what I said or did. The mishap brings an end to any hope of being at all acceptable to the person concerned. It means the permanent loss of our relationship as it was before.

When this happens in a group setting, it spells the immediate end of my efforts to belong to the group in which it occurred, because I will avoid the person concerned as much as possible from that point onwards. I will dread even bumping into them in the street. If the disaster happens in a church setting, I will not be able to go to that church any more, which is a major, personal loss. Everything I had painstaking tried to build up there is over in a moment.

The aftermath
Afterwards, as soon as I can, I write to the person concerned, taking full responsibility for what happened, and apologising wholeheartedly. However, I can never face them again with any degree of confidence at all. Having seriously misjudged what was acceptable to them, nothing can ever make the relationship right again.

After apologising, I live with my rumination and dread for as many weeks as I can, feeling horribly anxious, sleeping badly, and getting more and more depressed. Eventually, there is no choice but to return to my therapist to work through all that went wrong, in the hope of somehow setting myself free from the emotional torment. This makes every social blunder very expensive, both emotionally and financially.

Today I am facing the start of my Autism assessment process.

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36; NIV).

A reading from Luke 4:16-21; NIV.
When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD’s favor has come.” He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”

Being a person

Ruth Kirk

Suddenly their eyes were opened and they recognized him (Luke 24:31; NLT).

Introduction
I have always experienced being a person as a very difficult and lonely task. With a mixture of envy and admiration, I have observed the lives of those who seem to navigate events, both good and bad, without having to think about who they are, or how to behave towards others.

One of the coping techniques I have used throughout my life has been to join spiritual groups, one at a time, whose customs and beliefs I felt I could accept and make my own. When other people do this, they seem to experience a sense of ‘belonging’ – of being accepted, and of being part of something larger than themselves. However, this has proved impossible for me.

Spiritual groups
Spiritual growth is my core concern, so over the years I have tried to live according to the approaches modelled by various spiritual teachers, priests, and groups. Sadly, though, I have never been able to make myself fit into any such groups for longer than a few years.

Conforming
This is because membership of a group requires major continuous, conscious efforts, as I strive to conform to its rules and beliefs.

Inevitably, in the end I make an unintentional, yet fatal, mistake, and am rejected.

Alternatively, a group’s views or requirements can become so unacceptable to me that eventually I am no longer willing to make the personal sacrifices needed in order to fit in.

An example of this happened some years ago, when I adopted Saint Mother Theresa’s teaching on humility. This gave a clear structure to my spiritual life, though I was never completely comfortable with her advice. Her way required the constant, conscious, highly-disciplined suppression of all my spontaneous thoughts, opinions beliefs, emotions, needs, impulses and desires. In the end, I simply had to reject it. The price of trying to belong was higher than I was willing or able to pay.

Leaving and loss
Each time I realised I could no longer force myself to fit into a group, I left. Each, in turn, had become my major source of spiritual structure and social contact, so leaving was always a great personal loss. This rendered my life empty of meaning and social contact for months, or even years, afterwards.

Repeatedly having to give up both the way I life I had been trying to follow, and the relationships associated with it, has been a depressingly recurrent patten in my life. Each time this has happened, it has felt like yet another major personal failure on my part. Groups which had seemed to offer fresh hope when I joined, eventually became yet another door closed to me when I disengaged. As I have got older, the growing number of closed doors has left me with very little hope that I can ever truly belong anywhere at all.

Christ’s way
However, I have recently recognised that the only way of life I want to follow is that of Jesus, as described in the gospels. I do not want his teaching to be interpreted for me by others.

Similarly, I don’t need his example to be made into a set of pre-determined rules designed by an authority-figure, theologian or other ‘expert’ for me to follow. God is my authority, and my learning comes from this source alone, in prayer. As John Newton wrote: There is no effectual teacher but God. We can receive no more than he is pleased to communicate (John Newton, “Out of the depths”). 

A journey of discovery
Now, at last, I feel ready to start discovering for myself who I am, how I feel, what I think and believe, what I need and desire, and what I want to do. In this way, I hope to begin basing my life on the precious individual, inner factors which make me uniquely me.

This is a completely new way of being a person for me. No one else can do it for me, and I have an awful lot to learn, so it’s definitely time to make a start at this late stage in my life.

Conclusion
I have lived and tried to ‘belong’ by consciously suppressing my own spontaneous thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, impulses and desires all the time. I now realise that these precious inner factors are what make me me.

Let’s finish with a prayer:

Lord Jesus, please set me free to become myself at last, so I can start growing more like you. I ask this through your own dear name: Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so that you may know that I am the LORD (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

References

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:32; NLT).

I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you (John 13:15; NLT).

With eyes fully open

Ruth Kirk

This prayer came to me the moment I woke and started to pray on Christmas morning. It is a special prayer for all of us who find Christmas very difficult, whatever the reason. With my warmest love, and with thanks to you all for your support, from Ruth xxx

I love you, LORD; you are my strength (Psalm 18:1; NLT).

With eyes fully open,
And eyes fully closed:
Yahweh, I love you so much!

No matter what happens
You’re here, at my side:
Jesus, I love you so much!

Speaking, or silent,
You’re here, in my soul:
Spirit, I love you so much!

And you love me too,
Though I can’t see you yet:
But soon, Lord, I’ll reach out, and touch!

Reach out your hand and put it into my side (John 20:27; NIV).

If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed (Matthew 9:21; NLT).

References

Look at my hands. Look at my feet. You can see that it’s really me. Touch me and make sure that I am not a ghost, because ghosts don’t have bodies, as you see that I do. As he spoke, he showed them his hands and feet (Luke 24:39-40; NLT).

Blessed are those who believe without seeing me (John 20:29; NLT).

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).

After my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God! I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes (Job 19:26-7; NLT).

He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’S faithfulness endures forever. Praise the LORD! (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known (1 Corinthians 12:12; NIV).

The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).

So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him (Luke 15:20; NLT).

 

My counterweight

Ruth Kirk

The context for this blog is that about two weeks ago I was referred by my doctor for an autism assessment. The possibility that I may be autistic has made me start thinking about how I have always related to others, and to begin looking at my life from a completely new perspective.

Today’s blog has two short, contrasting sections. The first shares how I have lived for the last 73 years. The second considers what I am currently learning through God’s help. These two pieces take the form of speaking honestly to Jesus in prayer, which is exactly how they arose.

The past

Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress (Psalm 25:16; NLT).

Lord, you know that I have coped with life by constantly trying to work out what others wanted, so I could fit around their wishes. I didn’t know there was any other way to be a person, though I observed that not everyone behaves like this. I never understood how they managed to be so ‘different’.

My approach to relating to others generally seemed to work reasonably well. However, there were times when I accidentally said or did something to which others reacted badly, without warning. Clearly I had said or done something they considered to be inappropriate, shocking, or wrong, but I could never predict such events, so I could not avoid them.

Each crisis was followed by months of rumination, shame, and painful, immovable dread. I would go back to my therapist in desperation, asking for help. I always made contact with the person I had offended, as soon as I could face them. My approach was to take full responsibility for what happened, to apologise, and to try to put things right between us.

But my relationships were never the same again with the people involved. Any slight sense, or hope, of feeling acceptable was gone. I remained very embarrassed, awkward and wary with them, constantly anxious that they might suddenly turn on me, and reject me completely. It was therefore easier, and more comfortable, to avoid both them, and the places where I might come into contact with them. This led to many significant, permanent losses. When things went wrong with church ministers, or with a member of a congregation, it was disastrous. It meant that another precious relationship with an individual or a group had been damaged beyond repair. Once again, I felt I had failed completely.

Love your neighbour …

The present

… as yourself (Matthew 19:19; NLT; my emphasis).

But now, at last, Lord, I’m starting to see a new way ahead! Inside me I have discovered a hidden counterweight to what others want and expect: my own opinions, wishes, needs, and emotions. I am now slowly learning to consult these cues, and to use them as a guide for how I choose to respond to others.

These inner promptings help me to express myself directly, hopefully in a considered, respectful, appropriate and loving way. People’s opinions, wishes, needs and expectations are still important to me. However, mine are important too. I can therefore express them, even though others may not agree with me. That is okay. They do not have to agree with me, or even like me at all. This realisation is a significant marker of inner change for me. It is vital for me to be myself, at last.

I didn’t know that I could do any of this before, so the only times when I was truly myself occurred when I had strong emotions I couldn’t restrain any longer. This led to occasional spontaneous outbursts of suppressed thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, such melt-downs also had the potential to cause serious ruptures in relationships, creating months of guilt, rumination, distress, anxiety, dread and depression.

In the last few days, since I started to see and understand these things, I have tentatively begun to enjoy the experience of being myself. I’m slowly learning to listen to my emotions, and to notice my personal opinions, wishes and needs, however small. These inner cues are starting to inform my conduct, rather than it being shaped almost entirely by other people’s apparent expectations. These personal promptings can act as a counterweight to the opinions, needs and desires of others. Awareness of them is enabling me to respond to people rather more spontaneously, honestly, and directly.

I am now paying much more attention to what I want to do and say, rather than automatically shaping almost all my behaviour around what others seem to want. Ahead, I glimpse a wiser and more balanced way of relating to others – a skilful, self-aware approach which takes account of everyone’s needs, including my own.

Living like this is much more enjoyable and satisfying than before. It gives me a sense of inner freedom, and helps me to feel quite a bit happier about who I seem to be. Thank you so much, Lord, for all you are doing to inspire, guide, teach, help and heal me.

Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT). 

You have been raised to new life with Christ (Colossians 3:1; NLT).

A burden

Ruth Kirk

God is truly amazing! I roughed out this blog just before a theologian verbally attacked me, my faith, my writing, my purpose, and my website (see: https://wp.me/p45bCr-lJE).

Am I a burden to you? (Job 7:20; NLT).

Lord, I’ve always felt as if I am a burden to other people: unlovable and unwanted; as welcome as a thorn in their flesh.

I never wanted to be alive, and couldn’t cope with life as others seemed to do.

I’ve always tried so hard to fit in, yet never truly felt I belonged anywhere.

Anxiety, dread and depression have been my constant companions.

Life has been such a struggle, right from birth. I’ve been told that I am over-sensitive, that I over-think issues, that I over-react to being hurt, and that I am strange. I’ve always felt things deeply, and am able to be very raw, direct and honest with others, if I feel this is appropriate.

All I can do is to follow your example, with willing acceptance of all God sends and takes away, whilst continuing to love everyone I interact with. In practical terms, this means offering what little help, support and comfort I can to everyone whose path I cross. For me, this is healing.

So, despite everything I have experienced throughout my lifetime, I continue to rejoice, to offer thanks in all circumstances, and to pray, knowing that God brings good from everything:

Come in, my Lord!
Come in – you are so welcome!
Make me your home today,
And every day.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them” (John 14:23; NIV).

We are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people” (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT). 

References

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me” (Mark 8:34; NLT). 

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28; NLT).

Come, Lord Jesus! (Revelation 22:20; NLT).

Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends (Revelation 3:20; NLT).

Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; NIV).

We share

Ruth Kirk

All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them (John 14:23; NLT).

Just as I am,
My body is yours;
You made me –
And I am your home.

Just as I am,
My thinking is yours;
You know me –
I’m never alone.

Just as I am,
My emotions are yours;
You love me –
And share every fear.

Just as I am,
My spirit is yours,
For you are my God –
And you’re here!

Remember that I am always with you until the end of time (Matthew 28:20; GNT).

References

I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine (Song of Songs 6:3; NIV).

He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

My Lord and my God!” Thomas exclaimed (John 20:28; NLT).

Come, Lord!

Ruth Kirk

Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends (Revelation 3:20; NLT).

Come, Lord Jesus! ( Revelation 22:20; NLT). 

Come, Lord: share my sense of wrongness;
Come to share my fear and pain.
Come to share my sense of failure,
Grief, depression, guilt, and shame.

Come, Lord: share my unbelonging;
Come to stay, and be my Friend.
Come to share my lonely exile
Till its promised, longed-for end.

Come, though I’m unloveable –
Come with your healing, peace and grace.
Come, Lord, share my emptiness:
Until, at last, I see your face.

When I awake, I will see you face to face and be satisfied (Psalm 17:15; NLT).

References

There was no room for them in the inn (Luke 2:7; NKJV).

I am like an owl in the desert, like a little owl in a far-off wilderness. I lie awake, lonely as a solitary bird on the roof (Psalm 102:6-7; NLT).

We are all saved the same way, by the undeserved grace of the Lord Jesus (Acts 15:11; NLT).

For now we see in a mirror indirectly, but then we will see face to face (1 Corinthians 13:12; NET).

They will see his face, and his name will be written on their foreheads (Revelation 22:4; NLT).

Acknowledgement

With thanks for the assistance of my AI writing companion.

Come in, Lord! (with thanks to J.)

Ruth Kirk

This prayer came to me during the amazing sermon I listened to on the first Sunday of Advent. Its central theme was that we can invite Christ into every moment and situation with the simple words, “Come in, Lord!”

Essentially, this is the perfect, all-purpose arrow prayer. It asks Jesus to enter and share whatever we are preparing for, facing, experiencing, thinking, feeling, saying, or doing.

I was so touched by this simple spiritual practice that I immediately began to adopt it. As the day progressed, I quickly found that welcoming Jesus in with these words makes the reality of his constant presence much more vivid for me. This instantly increases my sense of our togetherness, as we share whatever is happening at any moment.

My profound thanks to J, for their wonderful help and example to me, as well as for their superb insight and preaching.

So, here is the prayer which came to me during the sermon:

Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends (Revelation 3:20; NLT).

Come in, Lord!
Enter my mind and heart;
Come in, Lord, enter my soul.
Come in, and share my exile here –
Please come to make me whole.

Come in, Lord!
Enter my life each day;
Come in: don’t wait outside!
Come in, and share my hidden self –
Please come to be my Guide.

Come in, Lord!
Enter my loneliness,
My sorrow, and my pain.
Come in, despite my sinfulness –
And make me your domain.

All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them (John 14:23; NLT).

References

The LORD longs to be gracious to you (Isaiah 30:18; NIV).

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

The LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion (Isaiah 30:18; NLT).

My mind is blank

Ruth Kirk

Last night I woke suddenly from a bad dream, kicking out at someone who was threatening me. As soon as I began to pray, this prayer instantly appeared in my mind. It was as if I had been woken up to hear it. I knew I had to write it down and post it straight away. This prayer is not about me, or my own state of mind, so I quickly realised that it must be for someone else who will read it. I have already prayed for that person.

May your Kingdom come soon…

Lord, my mind is blank,
My heart is numb –
Yet still I pray, and beg:
Your kingdom come.

Lord, my flesh is dust,
My soul is void –
Yet still I pray, and plead:
Your will be done.

Lord, may I rejoice,
Though all seems lost –
Help me to cling to you,
And bear my cross.

…May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10; NLT).

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me” (Mark 8:34; NLT). 

Reference

Rejoice always (1 Thessalonians 5:16; NIV).

Cling tightly to the LORD your God (Joshua 22:8; NLT).

Never stop praying (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NLT).

“The time promised by God has come at last!” he announced. “The Kingdom of God is near! Repent of your sins and believe the Good News!” (Mark 1:15; NLT).

Reading: Habakkuk 3:17-19; NLT.

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.