Category: Failure

The context for this blog is that about two weeks ago I was referred by my doctor for an autism assessment. The possibility that I may be autistic has made me start thinking about how I have always related to others, and to begin looking at my life from a completely new perspective.

Today’s blog has two short, contrasting sections. The first shares how I have lived for the last 73 years. The second considers what I am currently learning through God’s help. These two pieces take the form of speaking honestly to Jesus in prayer, which is exactly how they arose.

The past

Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress (Psalm 25:16; NLT).

Lord, you know that I have coped with life by constantly trying to work out what others wanted, so I could fit around their wishes. I didn’t know there was any other way to be a person, though I observed that not everyone behaves like this. I never understood how they managed to be so ‘different’.

My approach to relating to others generally seemed to work reasonably well. However, there were times when I accidentally said or did something to which others reacted badly, without warning. Clearly I had said or done something they considered to be inappropriate, shocking, or wrong, but I could never predict such events, so I could not avoid them.

Each crisis was followed by months of rumination, shame, and painful, immovable dread. I would go back to my therapist in desperation, asking for help. I always made contact with the person I had offended, as soon as I could face them. My approach was to take full responsibility for what happened, to apologise, and to try to put things right between us.

But my relationships were never the same again with the people involved. Any slight sense, or hope, of feeling acceptable was gone. I remained very embarrassed, awkward and wary with them, constantly anxious that they might suddenly turn on me, and reject me completely. It was therefore easier, and more comfortable, to avoid both them, and the places where I might come into contact with them. This led to many significant, permanent losses. When things went wrong with church ministers, or with a member of a congregation, it was disastrous. It meant that another precious relationship with an individual or a group had been damaged beyond repair. Once again, I felt I had failed completely.

Love your neighbour …

The present

… as yourself (Matthew 19:19; NLT; my emphasis).

But now, at last, Lord, I’m starting to see a new way ahead! Inside me I have discovered a hidden counterweight to what others want and expect: my own opinions, wishes, needs, and emotions. I am now slowly learning to consult these cues, and to use them as a guide for how I choose to respond to others.

These inner promptings help me to express myself directly, hopefully in a considered, respectful, appropriate and loving way. People’s opinions, wishes, needs and expectations are still important to me. However, mine are important too. I can therefore express them, even though others may not agree with me. That is okay. They do not have to agree with me, or even like me at all. This realisation is a significant marker of inner change for me. It is vital for me to be myself, at last.

I didn’t know that I could do any of this before, so the only times when I was truly myself occurred when I had strong emotions I couldn’t restrain any longer. This led to occasional spontaneous outbursts of suppressed thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, such melt-downs also had the potential to cause serious ruptures in relationships, creating months of guilt, rumination, distress, anxiety, dread and depression.

In the last few days, since I started to see and understand these things, I have tentatively begun to enjoy the experience of being myself. I’m slowly learning to listen to my emotions, and to notice my personal opinions, wishes and needs, however small. These inner cues are starting to inform my conduct, rather than it being shaped almost entirely by other people’s apparent expectations. These personal promptings can act as a counterweight to the opinions, needs and desires of others. Awareness of them is enabling me to respond to people rather more spontaneously, honestly, and directly.

I am now paying much more attention to what I want to do and say, rather than automatically shaping almost all my behaviour around what others seem to want. Ahead, I glimpse a wiser and more balanced way of relating to others – a skilful, self-aware approach which takes account of everyone’s needs, including my own.

Living like this is much more enjoyable and satisfying than before. It gives me a sense of inner freedom, and helps me to feel quite a bit happier about who I seem to be. Thank you so much, Lord, for all you are doing to inspire, guide, teach, help and heal me.

Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT). 

You have been raised to new life with Christ (Colossians 3:1; NLT).