Category: Loneliness

The door to prayer

Ruth Kirk

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened (Matthew 7:7-8; NIV).

Some days, when I awake, my God,
I open wide the door to prayer,
Slipping inside
To sit beside your fire.

Some days, when I awake, my God,
I knock upon the door to prayer,
Waiting with faith and hope
To see your face.

Some days, when I awake, my God,
I hammer on the door to prayer,
Pleading without response:
You are not there!

Some days, when I awake, my God,
There is no door, no prayer, no faith,
No hope.   Yet all’s not lost:
For you are here.

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? (Psalm 22:1; NLT). 

The LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it (Genesis 28:16; NIV).

In all their suffering he also suffered (Isaiah 63:9; NLT). 

References

We are the temple of the living God (2 Corinthians 6:16; NIV).

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? (1 Corinthians 6:19; NLT).

The way of the cross

Ruth Kirk

He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood (Luke 22:44; NLT).

Praying; grieving;
Sweating; pleading;

Slipping; sliding;
Stumbling; falling;

Stripping; nailing;
Lifting; reeling;

Bleeding; dying;
Rising; healing.

For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).

Feeling hopeless?

Ruth Kirk

Search for Me with all your heart (Jeremiah 29:13; NKJV).

He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood (Luke 22:44; NLT).

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? (Psalm 22:1; NLT).

Feeling hopeless?
Go still deeper.
Search yet harder;
Climb still steeper.

Are you lonely:
Sleeping; waking?
Is Christ distant,
Though you’re aching?

Are you broken?
Tempest louder?
He is waiting:
Shout yet harder.

Christ seems absent?
Love burns steady.
Often silent;
Always ready.

Christ is here:
Our Friend and Saviour!
He who bears you
Will deliver.

I am with you always (Matthew 28:20; NLT).

Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up (Psalm 68:19; RSV). 

Call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you (Psalm 50:14-15; NIV). 

References

You have taken away my companions and loved ones. Darkness is my closest friend (Psalm 88:18; NLT).

The LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion (Isaiah 30:18; NLT).

Why are you silent? (Habakkuk 1:13; CSB).

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame (Song of Songs 8:6; NIV).

He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’S faithfulness endures forever (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

Reading #1: Matthew 8:23-7; NLT.
Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm. The disciples were amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked. “Even the winds and waves obey him!”

Reading #2: Matthew 14:29-33; NIV.
Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Take captive every thought

Ruth Kirk

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV).

How my mind works
On 29.1.26. I was able to grasp how my mind works for the first time. Today’s blog describes what I learned.

Introduction
I automatically check all my thoughts, everything I am about to say, and everything I want to do, however trivial, to see whether they are within the rules of what is acceptable to whoever I am with. If I judge they are not acceptable, I suppress them immediately. My default approach is to stop myself from saying or doing whatever I want to, in case it breaches a social rule I do not know. I self-inhibit in this way hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times every day. Only very recently, since I started thinking about Autism, have I become aware of this inner process and started to understand its purpose and consequences a bit more. I realise now that it is a form of self-censorship, whose purpose is self-protection.

Unspoken rules
If, even for a moment, I forget to filter everything I want to say and do, it’s always disastrous. I spontaneously say or do something which shocks others, and has clearly broken a social rule I have not grasped. This is always very embarrassing and awkward socially, both with individuals, and within groups. It leaves me feeling stupid, ashamed, guilty and a complete failure.

Consequences
Such events trigger my automatic dread reflex instantly, and, with a sinking heart, I know that this dread will be with me day and night for months. In fact, I will never fully recover from it. Another relationship which may have offered a little hope, or at least some brief social contact, has been permanently destroyed.

This constant checking and the suppression of every impulse helps to prevent me from breaking unspoken social rules, so I can feel relatively acceptable to others. Unfortunately, as it is entirely habitual, I do it even when I am alone.

Rumination
After each such event I ruminate endlessly about what happened, feeling terrible about what I said or did. The mishap brings an end to any hope of being at all acceptable to the person concerned. It means the permanent loss of our relationship as it was before.

When this happens in a group setting, it spells the immediate end of my efforts to belong to the group in which it occurred, because I will avoid the person concerned as much as possible from that point onwards. I will dread even bumping into them in the street. If the disaster happens in a church setting, I will not be able to go to that church any more, which is a major, personal loss. Everything I had painstaking tried to build up there is over in a moment.

The aftermath
Afterwards, as soon as I can, I write to the person concerned, taking full responsibility for what happened, and apologising wholeheartedly. However, I can never face them again with any degree of confidence at all. Having seriously misjudged what was acceptable to them, nothing can ever make the relationship right again.

After apologising, I live with my rumination and dread for as many weeks as I can, feeling horribly anxious, sleeping badly, and getting more and more depressed. Eventually, there is no choice but to return to my therapist to work through all that went wrong, in the hope of somehow setting myself free from the emotional torment. This makes every social blunder very expensive, both emotionally and financially.

Today I am facing the start of my Autism assessment process.

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36; NIV).

A reading from Luke 4:16-21; NIV.
When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD’s favor has come.” He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”

Being a person

Ruth Kirk

Suddenly their eyes were opened and they recognized him (Luke 24:31; NLT).

Introduction
I have always experienced being a person as a very difficult and lonely task. With a mixture of envy and admiration, I have observed the lives of those who seem to navigate events, both good and bad, without having to think about who they are, or how to behave towards others.

One of the coping techniques I have used throughout my life has been to join spiritual groups, one at a time, whose customs and beliefs I felt I could accept and make my own. When other people do this, they seem to experience a sense of ‘belonging’ – of being accepted, and of being part of something larger than themselves. However, this has proved impossible for me.

Spiritual groups
Spiritual growth is my core concern, so over the years I have tried to live according to the approaches modelled by various spiritual teachers, priests, and groups. Sadly, though, I have never been able to make myself fit into any such groups for longer than a few years.

Conforming
This is because membership of a group requires major continuous, conscious efforts, as I strive to conform to its rules and beliefs.

Inevitably, in the end I make an unintentional, yet fatal, mistake, and am rejected.

Alternatively, a group’s views or requirements can become so unacceptable to me that eventually I am no longer willing to make the personal sacrifices needed in order to fit in.

An example of this happened some years ago, when I adopted Saint Mother Theresa’s teaching on humility. This gave a clear structure to my spiritual life, though I was never completely comfortable with her advice. Her way required the constant, conscious, highly-disciplined suppression of all my spontaneous thoughts, opinions beliefs, emotions, needs, impulses and desires. In the end, I simply had to reject it. The price of trying to belong was higher than I was willing or able to pay.

Leaving and loss
Each time I realised I could no longer force myself to fit into a group, I left. Each, in turn, had become my major source of spiritual structure and social contact, so leaving was always a great personal loss. This rendered my life empty of meaning and social contact for months, or even years, afterwards.

Repeatedly having to give up both the way I life I had been trying to follow, and the relationships associated with it, has been a depressingly recurrent patten in my life. Each time this has happened, it has felt like yet another major personal failure on my part. Groups which had seemed to offer fresh hope when I joined, eventually became yet another door closed to me when I disengaged. As I have got older, the growing number of closed doors has left me with very little hope that I can ever truly belong anywhere at all.

Christ’s way
However, I have recently recognised that the only way of life I want to follow is that of Jesus, as described in the gospels. I do not want his teaching to be interpreted for me by others.

Similarly, I don’t need his example to be made into a set of pre-determined rules designed by an authority-figure, theologian or other ‘expert’ for me to follow. God is my authority, and my learning comes from this source alone, in prayer. As John Newton wrote: There is no effectual teacher but God. We can receive no more than he is pleased to communicate (John Newton, “Out of the depths”). 

A journey of discovery
Now, at last, I feel ready to start discovering for myself who I am, how I feel, what I think and believe, what I need and desire, and what I want to do. In this way, I hope to begin basing my life on the precious individual, inner factors which make me uniquely me.

This is a completely new way of being a person for me. No one else can do it for me, and I have an awful lot to learn, so it’s definitely time to make a start at this late stage in my life.

Conclusion
I have lived and tried to ‘belong’ by consciously suppressing my own spontaneous thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, impulses and desires all the time. I now realise that these precious inner factors are what make me me.

Let’s finish with a prayer:

Lord Jesus, please set me free to become myself at last, so I can start growing more like you. I ask this through your own dear name: Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so that you may know that I am the LORD (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

References

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:32; NLT).

I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you (John 13:15; NLT).

With eyes fully open

Ruth Kirk

This prayer came to me the moment I woke and started to pray on Christmas morning. It is a special prayer for all of us who find Christmas very difficult, whatever the reason. With my warmest love, and with thanks to you all for your support, from Ruth xxx

I love you, LORD; you are my strength (Psalm 18:1; NLT).

With eyes fully open,
And eyes fully closed:
Yahweh, I love you so much!

No matter what happens
You’re here, at my side:
Jesus, I love you so much!

Speaking, or silent,
You’re here, in my soul:
Spirit, I love you so much!

And you love me too,
Though I can’t see you yet:
But soon, Lord, I’ll reach out, and touch!

Reach out your hand and put it into my side (John 20:27; NIV).

If I can just touch his robe, I will be healed (Matthew 9:21; NLT).

References

Look at my hands. Look at my feet. You can see that it’s really me. Touch me and make sure that I am not a ghost, because ghosts don’t have bodies, as you see that I do. As he spoke, he showed them his hands and feet (Luke 24:39-40; NLT).

Blessed are those who believe without seeing me (John 20:29; NLT).

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4; NLT).

After my body has decayed, yet in my body I will see God! I will see him for myself. Yes, I will see him with my own eyes (Job 19:26-7; NLT).

He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’S faithfulness endures forever. Praise the LORD! (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known (1 Corinthians 12:12; NIV).

The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).

So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him (Luke 15:20; NLT).

 

My counterweight

Ruth Kirk

The context for this blog is that about two weeks ago I was referred by my doctor for an autism assessment. The possibility that I may be autistic has made me start thinking about how I have always related to others, and to begin looking at my life from a completely new perspective.

Today’s blog has two short, contrasting sections. The first shares how I have lived for the last 73 years. The second considers what I am currently learning through God’s help. These two pieces take the form of speaking honestly to Jesus in prayer, which is exactly how they arose.

The past

Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress (Psalm 25:16; NLT).

Lord, you know that I have coped with life by constantly trying to work out what others wanted, so I could fit around their wishes. I didn’t know there was any other way to be a person, though I observed that not everyone behaves like this. I never understood how they managed to be so ‘different’.

My approach to relating to others generally seemed to work reasonably well. However, there were times when I accidentally said or did something to which others reacted badly, without warning. Clearly I had said or done something they considered to be inappropriate, shocking, or wrong, but I could never predict such events, so I could not avoid them.

Each crisis was followed by months of rumination, shame, and painful, immovable dread. I would go back to my therapist in desperation, asking for help. I always made contact with the person I had offended, as soon as I could face them. My approach was to take full responsibility for what happened, to apologise, and to try to put things right between us.

But my relationships were never the same again with the people involved. Any slight sense, or hope, of feeling acceptable was gone. I remained very embarrassed, awkward and wary with them, constantly anxious that they might suddenly turn on me, and reject me completely. It was therefore easier, and more comfortable, to avoid both them, and the places where I might come into contact with them. This led to many significant, permanent losses. When things went wrong with church ministers, or with a member of a congregation, it was disastrous. It meant that another precious relationship with an individual or a group had been damaged beyond repair. Once again, I felt I had failed completely.

Love your neighbour …

The present

… as yourself (Matthew 19:19; NLT; my emphasis).

But now, at last, Lord, I’m starting to see a new way ahead! Inside me I have discovered a hidden counterweight to what others want and expect: my own opinions, wishes, needs, and emotions. I am now slowly learning to consult these cues, and to use them as a guide for how I choose to respond to others.

These inner promptings help me to express myself directly, hopefully in a considered, respectful, appropriate and loving way. People’s opinions, wishes, needs and expectations are still important to me. However, mine are important too. I can therefore express them, even though others may not agree with me. That is okay. They do not have to agree with me, or even like me at all. This realisation is a significant marker of inner change for me. It is vital for me to be myself, at last.

I didn’t know that I could do any of this before, so the only times when I was truly myself occurred when I had strong emotions I couldn’t restrain any longer. This led to occasional spontaneous outbursts of suppressed thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, such melt-downs also had the potential to cause serious ruptures in relationships, creating months of guilt, rumination, distress, anxiety, dread and depression.

In the last few days, since I started to see and understand these things, I have tentatively begun to enjoy the experience of being myself. I’m slowly learning to listen to my emotions, and to notice my personal opinions, wishes and needs, however small. These inner cues are starting to inform my conduct, rather than it being shaped almost entirely by other people’s apparent expectations. These personal promptings can act as a counterweight to the opinions, needs and desires of others. Awareness of them is enabling me to respond to people rather more spontaneously, honestly, and directly.

I am now paying much more attention to what I want to do and say, rather than automatically shaping almost all my behaviour around what others seem to want. Ahead, I glimpse a wiser and more balanced way of relating to others – a skilful, self-aware approach which takes account of everyone’s needs, including my own.

Living like this is much more enjoyable and satisfying than before. It gives me a sense of inner freedom, and helps me to feel quite a bit happier about who I seem to be. Thank you so much, Lord, for all you are doing to inspire, guide, teach, help and heal me.

Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT). 

You have been raised to new life with Christ (Colossians 3:1; NLT).

A burden

Ruth Kirk

God is truly amazing! I roughed out this blog just before a theologian verbally attacked me, my faith, my writing, my purpose, and my website (see: https://wp.me/p45bCr-lJE).

Am I a burden to you? (Job 7:20; NLT).

Lord, I’ve always felt as if I am a burden to other people: unlovable and unwanted; as welcome as a thorn in their flesh.

I never wanted to be alive, and couldn’t cope with life as others seemed to do.

I’ve always tried so hard to fit in, yet never truly felt I belonged anywhere.

Anxiety, dread and depression have been my constant companions.

Life has been such a struggle, right from birth. I’ve been told that I am over-sensitive, that I over-think issues, that I over-react to being hurt, and that I am strange. I’ve always felt things deeply, and am able to be very raw, direct and honest with others, if I feel this is appropriate.

All I can do is to follow your example, with willing acceptance of all God sends and takes away, whilst continuing to love everyone I interact with. In practical terms, this means offering what little help, support and comfort I can to everyone whose path I cross. For me, this is healing.

So, despite everything I have experienced throughout my lifetime, I continue to rejoice, to offer thanks in all circumstances, and to pray, knowing that God brings good from everything:

Come in, my Lord!
Come in – you are so welcome!
Make me your home today,
And every day.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them” (John 14:23; NIV).

We are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people” (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT). 

References

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me” (Mark 8:34; NLT). 

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28; NLT).

Come, Lord Jesus! (Revelation 22:20; NLT).

Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends (Revelation 3:20; NLT).

Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; NIV).

Here I am, Jesus!

Ruth Kirk

Here I am (Genesis 22:1; NLT).

Here I am, Jesus! Do with me
As you will.
Send me your pain and grief –
I’ll love you still.

Share with me all your sorrows,
From on high,
Yet will I cling to you, Lord,
Till I die.

Share with me all your anguish,
Christ, my King –
Lord, let me share your passion,
Deep within.

“Do with me as you will” (Blessed Charles de Foucauld, Perplexity).

References

Accept the way God does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life (Ecclesiastes 7:13-14; NLT).

And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word (Luke 1:38; KJV).

Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word (Luke 2:29; KJV).

Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done” (Matthew 26:42; NLT).

Acknowledgement

With thanks for the assistance of my AI writing companion.

A bag of bones

Ruth Kirk

Recent circumstances have raised a major issue for me: I may be autistic. My doctor has referred me for an assessment, which I hope to arrange very soon. This possibility is making me think about my life in a completely new way, and I’m finding the uncertainty disturbing, and very difficult to live with. All these things are reflected in today’s blog.

We have become old, dry bones – all hope is gone (Ezekiel 37:11; NLT).

Lord, I’m just a bag of bones,
A stranger to myself;
This life is far too hard –
I can’t be helped.

Lord, I’m just the odd one out,
With nowhere to belong,
For life is very hard –
I’m made all wrong!

Lord, I’m just unloveable;
A failure – take my soul!
My life is much too hard
To be made whole.

Yet you made me as I am,
And know me through and through;
Though life is hard, I trust
You’ll make me new.

He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age (Ruth 4:15; NIV).

Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:31; NIV).