Category: Loss

Take captive every thought

Ruth Kirk

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV).

How my mind works
On 29.1.26. I was able to grasp how my mind works for the first time. Today’s blog describes what I learned.

Introduction
I automatically check all my thoughts, everything I am about to say, and everything I want to do, however trivial, to see whether they are within the rules of what is acceptable to whoever I am with. If I judge they are not acceptable, I suppress them immediately. My default approach is to stop myself from saying or doing whatever I want to, in case it breaches a social rule I do not know. I self-inhibit in this way hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times every day. Only very recently, since I started thinking about Autism, have I become aware of this inner process and started to understand its purpose and consequences a bit more. I realise now that it is a form of self-censorship, whose purpose is self-protection.

Unspoken rules
If, even for a moment, I forget to filter everything I want to say and do, it’s always disastrous. I spontaneously say or do something which shocks others, and has clearly broken a social rule I have not grasped. This is always very embarrassing and awkward socially, both with individuals, and within groups. It leaves me feeling stupid, ashamed, guilty and a complete failure.

Consequences
Such events trigger my automatic dread reflex instantly, and, with a sinking heart, I know that this dread will be with me day and night for months. In fact, I will never fully recover from it. Another relationship which may have offered a little hope, or at least some brief social contact, has been permanently destroyed.

This constant checking and the suppression of every impulse helps to prevent me from breaking unspoken social rules, so I can feel relatively acceptable to others. Unfortunately, as it is entirely habitual, I do it even when I am alone.

Rumination
After each such event I ruminate endlessly about what happened, feeling terrible about what I said or did. The mishap brings an end to any hope of being at all acceptable to the person concerned. It means the permanent loss of our relationship as it was before.

When this happens in a group setting, it spells the immediate end of my efforts to belong to the group in which it occurred, because I will avoid the person concerned as much as possible from that point onwards. I will dread even bumping into them in the street. If the disaster happens in a church setting, I will not be able to go to that church any more, which is a major, personal loss. Everything I had painstaking tried to build up there is over in a moment.

The aftermath
Afterwards, as soon as I can, I write to the person concerned, taking full responsibility for what happened, and apologising wholeheartedly. However, I can never face them again with any degree of confidence at all. Having seriously misjudged what was acceptable to them, nothing can ever make the relationship right again.

After apologising, I live with my rumination and dread for as many weeks as I can, feeling horribly anxious, sleeping badly, and getting more and more depressed. Eventually, there is no choice but to return to my therapist to work through all that went wrong, in the hope of somehow setting myself free from the emotional torment. This makes every social blunder very expensive, both emotionally and financially.

Today I am facing the start of my Autism assessment process.

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36; NIV).

A reading from Luke 4:16-21; NIV.
When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD’s favor has come.” He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”

Being a person

Ruth Kirk

Suddenly their eyes were opened and they recognized him (Luke 24:31; NLT).

Introduction
I have always experienced being a person as a very difficult and lonely task. With a mixture of envy and admiration, I have observed the lives of those who seem to navigate events, both good and bad, without having to think about who they are, or how to behave towards others.

One of the coping techniques I have used throughout my life has been to join spiritual groups, one at a time, whose customs and beliefs I felt I could accept and make my own. When other people do this, they seem to experience a sense of ‘belonging’ – of being accepted, and of being part of something larger than themselves. However, this has proved impossible for me.

Spiritual groups
Spiritual growth is my core concern, so over the years I have tried to live according to the approaches modelled by various spiritual teachers, priests, and groups. Sadly, though, I have never been able to make myself fit into any such groups for longer than a few years.

Conforming
This is because membership of a group requires major continuous, conscious efforts, as I strive to conform to its rules and beliefs.

Inevitably, in the end I make an unintentional, yet fatal, mistake, and am rejected.

Alternatively, a group’s views or requirements can become so unacceptable to me that eventually I am no longer willing to make the personal sacrifices needed in order to fit in.

An example of this happened some years ago, when I adopted Saint Mother Theresa’s teaching on humility. This gave a clear structure to my spiritual life, though I was never completely comfortable with her advice. Her way required the constant, conscious, highly-disciplined suppression of all my spontaneous thoughts, opinions beliefs, emotions, needs, impulses and desires. In the end, I simply had to reject it. The price of trying to belong was higher than I was willing or able to pay.

Leaving and loss
Each time I realised I could no longer force myself to fit into a group, I left. Each, in turn, had become my major source of spiritual structure and social contact, so leaving was always a great personal loss. This rendered my life empty of meaning and social contact for months, or even years, afterwards.

Repeatedly having to give up both the way I life I had been trying to follow, and the relationships associated with it, has been a depressingly recurrent patten in my life. Each time this has happened, it has felt like yet another major personal failure on my part. Groups which had seemed to offer fresh hope when I joined, eventually became yet another door closed to me when I disengaged. As I have got older, the growing number of closed doors has left me with very little hope that I can ever truly belong anywhere at all.

Christ’s way
However, I have recently recognised that the only way of life I want to follow is that of Jesus, as described in the gospels. I do not want his teaching to be interpreted for me by others.

Similarly, I don’t need his example to be made into a set of pre-determined rules designed by an authority-figure, theologian or other ‘expert’ for me to follow. God is my authority, and my learning comes from this source alone, in prayer. As John Newton wrote: There is no effectual teacher but God. We can receive no more than he is pleased to communicate (John Newton, “Out of the depths”). 

A journey of discovery
Now, at last, I feel ready to start discovering for myself who I am, how I feel, what I think and believe, what I need and desire, and what I want to do. In this way, I hope to begin basing my life on the precious individual, inner factors which make me uniquely me.

This is a completely new way of being a person for me. No one else can do it for me, and I have an awful lot to learn, so it’s definitely time to make a start at this late stage in my life.

Conclusion
I have lived and tried to ‘belong’ by consciously suppressing my own spontaneous thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, impulses and desires all the time. I now realise that these precious inner factors are what make me me.

Let’s finish with a prayer:

Lord Jesus, please set me free to become myself at last, so I can start growing more like you. I ask this through your own dear name: Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so that you may know that I am the LORD (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

References

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:32; NLT).

I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you (John 13:15; NLT).

A burden

Ruth Kirk

God is truly amazing! I roughed out this blog just before a theologian verbally attacked me, my faith, my writing, my purpose, and my website (see: https://wp.me/p45bCr-lJE).

Am I a burden to you? (Job 7:20; NLT).

Lord, I’ve always felt as if I am a burden to other people: unlovable and unwanted; as welcome as a thorn in their flesh.

I never wanted to be alive, and couldn’t cope with life as others seemed to do.

I’ve always tried so hard to fit in, yet never truly felt I belonged anywhere.

Anxiety, dread and depression have been my constant companions.

Life has been such a struggle, right from birth. I’ve been told that I am over-sensitive, that I over-think issues, that I over-react to being hurt, and that I am strange. I’ve always felt things deeply, and am able to be very raw, direct and honest with others, if I feel this is appropriate.

All I can do is to follow your example, with willing acceptance of all God sends and takes away, whilst continuing to love everyone I interact with. In practical terms, this means offering what little help, support and comfort I can to everyone whose path I cross. For me, this is healing.

So, despite everything I have experienced throughout my lifetime, I continue to rejoice, to offer thanks in all circumstances, and to pray, knowing that God brings good from everything:

Come in, my Lord!
Come in – you are so welcome!
Make me your home today,
And every day.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them” (John 14:23; NIV).

We are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people” (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT). 

References

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me” (Mark 8:34; NLT). 

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28; NLT).

Come, Lord Jesus! (Revelation 22:20; NLT).

Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends (Revelation 3:20; NLT).

Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; NIV).

Here I am, Jesus!

Ruth Kirk

Here I am (Genesis 22:1; NLT).

Here I am, Jesus! Do with me
As you will.
Send me your pain and grief –
I’ll love you still.

Share with me all your sorrows,
From on high,
Yet will I cling to you, Lord,
Till I die.

Share with me all your anguish,
Christ, my King –
Lord, let me share your passion,
Deep within.

“Do with me as you will” (Blessed Charles de Foucauld, Perplexity).

References

Accept the way God does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked? Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life (Ecclesiastes 7:13-14; NLT).

And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word (Luke 1:38; KJV).

Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word (Luke 2:29; KJV).

Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done” (Matthew 26:42; NLT).

Acknowledgement

With thanks for the assistance of my AI writing companion.

Give and take

Ruth Kirk

The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD (Job 1:21; CSB).

My God,
I’ll give up anything you ask,
And freely give up anything you take.
I’ll gladly welcome anything you send,
While giving thanks to you, for Jesus’ sake.

My God,
I’ll give up everything you ask,
And freely give up everything you take.
I’ll gladly welcome everything you send,
For you bring good from bad, for Jesus’ sake.

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28; NLT).

When I lose my peace

Ruth Kirk

Keep on seeking, and you will find (Matthew 7:7; NLT).

When I lose my peace,
May I find yours, Lord;
And when I lose my way,
May I find yours.

When I lose my strength,
May I find yours, Lord;
And when I lose my truth,
May I find yours.

When I lose my hope,
May I find yours, Lord;
And when I lose my light,
May I find yours.

When I lose my faith,
May I find yours, Lord;
And when I lose my life,
May I find yours.

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it (Matthew 10:39; NLT).

Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

My mind is blank

Ruth Kirk

Last night I woke suddenly from a bad dream, kicking out at someone who was threatening me. As soon as I began to pray, this prayer instantly appeared in my mind. It was as if I had been woken up to hear it. I knew I had to write it down and post it straight away. This prayer is not about me, or my own state of mind, so I quickly realised that it must be for someone else who will read it. I have already prayed for that person.

May your Kingdom come soon…

Lord, my mind is blank,
My heart is numb –
Yet still I pray, and beg:
Your kingdom come.

Lord, my flesh is dust,
My soul is void –
Yet still I pray, and plead:
Your will be done.

Lord, may I rejoice,
Though all seems lost –
Help me to cling to you,
And bear my cross.

…May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10; NLT).

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me” (Mark 8:34; NLT). 

Reference

Rejoice always (1 Thessalonians 5:16; NIV).

Cling tightly to the LORD your God (Joshua 22:8; NLT).

Never stop praying (1 Thessalonians 5:17; NLT).

“The time promised by God has come at last!” he announced. “The Kingdom of God is near! Repent of your sins and believe the Good News!” (Mark 1:15; NLT).

Reading: Habakkuk 3:17-19; NLT.

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.

Life is hard

Ruth Kirk

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).

How hard life is, my God,
How hard –
With so much sorrow
On the way;
With so much anguish,
Loss and pain –
Until we see your face
Again.

From birth to death
We’re exiled here –
To follow Christ,
And grow in love;
To ask for, and receive,
Your grace –
Until we know
Your warm embrace.

How rich you are
In joy and peace –
So kind and patient,
Strong and wise.
We need your Son
And Spirit, too –
Until we’re one,
At last, with you.

How short life is, my God,
How short –
So we have put
Our trust in you.
We’ll share the bliss
You have in store –
When we unite with you
Once more.

There is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day – and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing (2 Timothy 4:8; NIV).

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no human mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him (1 Corinthians 2:9; NLT). 

The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).

I love you

Ruth Kirk

I love you, Lord (Psalm 18:1; NLT).

I love you, God,
Though I am tired and weak.

You love me, too,
Though I can hardly speak.

I love you, God,
And though I cannot pray,

You love me,
And know all I want to say.

The Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought (1 Chronicles 28:9; NIV).

The Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:26; TIB).

You love us

Ruth Kirk

The Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost (Luke 19:10; NLT).

When we lose our way,
You seek us.

When we lose our peace,
You care.

When we lose our hope,
You help us.

When we lose our faith,
You share.

At about three o’clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” (Matthew 27:46; NLT).