Category: Loss

Hope

Ruth Kirk

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be” (Romans 4:18; NIV). 

Let’s hope,
Despite hopelessness;
Love,
Despite loneliness;

Serve,
Despite suffering;
Live,
Despite loss.

Let’s pray,
Despite pointlessness;
Wait,
Despite weariness;

Trust,
Despite trials –
And carry
Our cross.

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).

 

Consequences

Ruth Kirk

We can’t get peace by shouting.
We can’t get love with threats.

We can’t get what we want
With violence,
Or with bombs…

Because when we bully, abuse,
And threaten others,
Attack them, destroy their lives, their families,
And their homes,

We create chaos, fear, and trauma;
Heartbreak; hatred; bitterness –
And the unquenchable thirst
For revenge.

All these can be crushed –
For a while.
Locked down, and suppressed –
For a while…

But people’s loss and grief,
Their bitter resentment,
And their slow-burning
Absolute determination
To take revenge
Will never end.

These things are passed on
From generation to generation –
Until, at last,
All their hunger for retribution
And vengeance is unleashed.

Then the abomination
Of our desolation
Is laid bare.

Here, in my body…

Ruth Kirk

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23; NLT).

Here,
In my body,
My mind, heart,
And soul,

There is darkness,
And loneliness;
Silence,
And emptiness;

Thirsting,
And suffering;
Anguish,
And hopelessness;

Agony;
Loss –
And God;
And my cross.

At about three o’clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” (Matthew 27:46; NLT).

Then Jesus shouted, “Father, I entrust my spirit into your hands!” And with those words he breathed his last (Luke 23:46; NLT).

Faith

Ruth Kirk

A sower went out to sow his seed; and as he sowed, some fell along the path, and it was trodden under foot, and the birds of the air devoured it (Luke 8:5; RSV).

A trodden path;
A shallow soil;
A mass of thorns.

A barren field;
An empty barn;
A heap of reeds.

A fraying rope;
A dried-up well;
A broken bowl.

A secret door;
A private room;
An upper floor.

A dying fire;
A falling night;
A final meal –

Yet I will sing,
And tread the heights:
For God will heal.

Then they sang a hymn and went out to the Mount of Olives (Mark 14:26; NLT)

Though he wounds, he also bandages. He strikes, but his hands also heal (Job 5:18; NLT). 

For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).

References:

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation. The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights (Habakkuk 3:17-19; NLT).

Yes, remember your Creator now while you are young, before the silver cord of life snaps and the golden bowl is broken. Don’t wait until the water jar is smashed at the spring and the pulley is broken at the well. For then the dust will return to the earth, and the spirit will return to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:6-7; NLT).

He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle (Matthew 12:20; NLT).

Readings:

Mark 4:1-9.

Ecclesiastes 12:1-7.

No door

Ruth Kirk

It’s a week since I said I would update you all about how I plan to move forward with Take heart. In that time I have experienced a lot of pain and distress, some spiritual highs and lows, and some amazing personal insights. Thank you to those who have contacted me to express your sympathy and support: you have made a big difference.

So, from now on I will:

  1. Continue to write what God gives me.
  2. Post a blog whenever I feel driven to share (not necessarily every day).
  3. Encourage you to share my posts with others, if you feel this might help them.
  4. List fewer references.
  5. Suggest short Bible readings, when appropriate.
  6. Post significant blogs when they are ready, rather than aiming for a set time of day.

Please feel free to send polite comments. Blogging is a very lonely and exacting task, so constructive feedback and encouragement are always welcome.

Meanwhile, I continue to pray for all those who visit Take heart each day.

With much love, and many blessings to you all, from Ruth xxx

TODAY’S BLOG

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world (John 16:33; NLT).

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who knows
Our fearfulness.

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who holds
Our loneliness.

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who shares
Our wretchedness.

There is no door!
There’s only Christ
Within, who bears
Our suffering.

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

Be sure of this: I am with you always (Matthew 28:20; NLT).

The door to prayer

Ruth Kirk

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened (Matthew 7:7-8; NIV).

Some days, when I awake, my God,
I open wide the door to prayer,
Slipping inside
To sit beside your fire.

Some days, when I awake, my God,
I knock upon the door to prayer,
Waiting with faith and hope
To see your face.

Some days, when I awake, my God,
I hammer on the door to prayer,
Pleading without response:
You are not there!

Some days, when I awake, my God,
There is no door, no prayer, no faith,
No hope.   Yet all’s not lost:
For you are here.

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? (Psalm 22:1; NLT). 

The LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it (Genesis 28:16; NIV).

In all their suffering he also suffered (Isaiah 63:9; NLT). 

References

We are the temple of the living God (2 Corinthians 6:16; NIV).

Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us (Colossians 3:11; NLT).

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? (1 Corinthians 6:19; NLT).

The way of the cross

Ruth Kirk

He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood (Luke 22:44; NLT).

Praying; grieving;
Sweating; pleading;

Slipping; sliding;
Stumbling; falling;

Stripping; nailing;
Lifting; reeling;

Bleeding; dying;
Rising; healing.

For you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture (Malachi 4:2; NLT).

Take captive every thought

Ruth Kirk

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; NIV).

How my mind works
On 29.1.26. I was able to grasp how my mind works for the first time. Today’s blog describes what I learned.

Introduction
I automatically check all my thoughts, everything I am about to say, and everything I want to do, however trivial, to see whether they are within the rules of what is acceptable to whoever I am with. If I judge they are not acceptable, I suppress them immediately. My default approach is to stop myself from saying or doing whatever I want to, in case it breaches a social rule I do not know. I self-inhibit in this way hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times every day. Only very recently, since I started thinking about Autism, have I become aware of this inner process and started to understand its purpose and consequences a bit more. I realise now that it is a form of self-censorship, whose purpose is self-protection.

Unspoken rules
If, even for a moment, I forget to filter everything I want to say and do, it’s always disastrous. I spontaneously say or do something which shocks others, and has clearly broken a social rule I have not grasped. This is always very embarrassing and awkward socially, both with individuals, and within groups. It leaves me feeling stupid, ashamed, guilty and a complete failure.

Consequences
Such events trigger my automatic dread reflex instantly, and, with a sinking heart, I know that this dread will be with me day and night for months. In fact, I will never fully recover from it. Another relationship which may have offered a little hope, or at least some brief social contact, has been permanently destroyed.

This constant checking and the suppression of every impulse helps to prevent me from breaking unspoken social rules, so I can feel relatively acceptable to others. Unfortunately, as it is entirely habitual, I do it even when I am alone.

Rumination
After each such event I ruminate endlessly about what happened, feeling terrible about what I said or did. The mishap brings an end to any hope of being at all acceptable to the person concerned. It means the permanent loss of our relationship as it was before.

When this happens in a group setting, it spells the immediate end of my efforts to belong to the group in which it occurred, because I will avoid the person concerned as much as possible from that point onwards. I will dread even bumping into them in the street. If the disaster happens in a church setting, I will not be able to go to that church any more, which is a major, personal loss. Everything I had painstaking tried to build up there is over in a moment.

The aftermath
Afterwards, as soon as I can, I write to the person concerned, taking full responsibility for what happened, and apologising wholeheartedly. However, I can never face them again with any degree of confidence at all. Having seriously misjudged what was acceptable to them, nothing can ever make the relationship right again.

After apologising, I live with my rumination and dread for as many weeks as I can, feeling horribly anxious, sleeping badly, and getting more and more depressed. Eventually, there is no choice but to return to my therapist to work through all that went wrong, in the hope of somehow setting myself free from the emotional torment. This makes every social blunder very expensive, both emotionally and financially.

Today I am facing the start of my Autism assessment process.

If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36; NIV).

A reading from Luke 4:16-21; NIV.
When he came to the village of Nazareth, his boyhood home, he went as usual to the synagogue on the Sabbath and stood up to read the Scriptures. The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written: “The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free, and that the time of the LORD’s favor has come.” He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”

Being a person

Ruth Kirk

Suddenly their eyes were opened and they recognized him (Luke 24:31; NLT).

Introduction
I have always experienced being a person as a very difficult and lonely task. With a mixture of envy and admiration, I have observed the lives of those who seem to navigate events, both good and bad, without having to think about who they are, or how to behave towards others.

One of the coping techniques I have used throughout my life has been to join spiritual groups, one at a time, whose customs and beliefs I felt I could accept and make my own. When other people do this, they seem to experience a sense of ‘belonging’ – of being accepted, and of being part of something larger than themselves. However, this has proved impossible for me.

Spiritual groups
Spiritual growth is my core concern, so over the years I have tried to live according to the approaches modelled by various spiritual teachers, priests, and groups. Sadly, though, I have never been able to make myself fit into any such groups for longer than a few years.

Conforming
This is because membership of a group requires major continuous, conscious efforts, as I strive to conform to its rules and beliefs.

Inevitably, in the end I make an unintentional, yet fatal, mistake, and am rejected.

Alternatively, a group’s views or requirements can become so unacceptable to me that eventually I am no longer willing to make the personal sacrifices needed in order to fit in.

An example of this happened some years ago, when I adopted Saint Mother Theresa’s teaching on humility. This gave a clear structure to my spiritual life, though I was never completely comfortable with her advice. Her way required the constant, conscious, highly-disciplined suppression of all my spontaneous thoughts, opinions beliefs, emotions, needs, impulses and desires. In the end, I simply had to reject it. The price of trying to belong was higher than I was willing or able to pay.

Leaving and loss
Each time I realised I could no longer force myself to fit into a group, I left. Each, in turn, had become my major source of spiritual structure and social contact, so leaving was always a great personal loss. This rendered my life empty of meaning and social contact for months, or even years, afterwards.

Repeatedly having to give up both the way I life I had been trying to follow, and the relationships associated with it, has been a depressingly recurrent patten in my life. Each time this has happened, it has felt like yet another major personal failure on my part. Groups which had seemed to offer fresh hope when I joined, eventually became yet another door closed to me when I disengaged. As I have got older, the growing number of closed doors has left me with very little hope that I can ever truly belong anywhere at all.

Christ’s way
However, I have recently recognised that the only way of life I want to follow is that of Jesus, as described in the gospels. I do not want his teaching to be interpreted for me by others.

Similarly, I don’t need his example to be made into a set of pre-determined rules designed by an authority-figure, theologian or other ‘expert’ for me to follow. God is my authority, and my learning comes from this source alone, in prayer. As John Newton wrote: There is no effectual teacher but God. We can receive no more than he is pleased to communicate (John Newton, “Out of the depths”). 

A journey of discovery
Now, at last, I feel ready to start discovering for myself who I am, how I feel, what I think and believe, what I need and desire, and what I want to do. In this way, I hope to begin basing my life on the precious individual, inner factors which make me uniquely me.

This is a completely new way of being a person for me. No one else can do it for me, and I have an awful lot to learn, so it’s definitely time to make a start at this late stage in my life.

Conclusion
I have lived and tried to ‘belong’ by consciously suppressing my own spontaneous thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, impulses and desires all the time. I now realise that these precious inner factors are what make me me.

Let’s finish with a prayer:

Lord Jesus, please set me free to become myself at last, so I can start growing more like you. I ask this through your own dear name: Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so that you may know that I am the LORD (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

References

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:32; NLT).

I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you (John 13:15; NLT).

A burden

Ruth Kirk

God is truly amazing! I roughed out this blog just before a theologian verbally attacked me, my faith, my writing, my purpose, and my website (see: https://wp.me/p45bCr-lJE).

Am I a burden to you? (Job 7:20; NLT).

Lord, I’ve always felt as if I am a burden to other people: unlovable and unwanted; as welcome as a thorn in their flesh.

I never wanted to be alive, and couldn’t cope with life as others seemed to do.

I’ve always tried so hard to fit in, yet never truly felt I belonged anywhere.

Anxiety, dread and depression have been my constant companions.

Life has been such a struggle, right from birth. I’ve been told that I am over-sensitive, that I over-think issues, that I over-react to being hurt, and that I am strange. I’ve always felt things deeply, and am able to be very raw, direct and honest with others, if I feel this is appropriate.

All I can do is to follow your example, with willing acceptance of all God sends and takes away, whilst continuing to love everyone I interact with. In practical terms, this means offering what little help, support and comfort I can to everyone whose path I cross. For me, this is healing.

So, despite everything I have experienced throughout my lifetime, I continue to rejoice, to offer thanks in all circumstances, and to pray, knowing that God brings good from everything:

Come in, my Lord!
Come in – you are so welcome!
Make me your home today,
And every day.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them” (John 14:23; NIV).

We are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people” (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT). 

References

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me” (Mark 8:34; NLT). 

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God (Romans 8:28; NLT).

Come, Lord Jesus! (Revelation 22:20; NLT).

Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends (Revelation 3:20; NLT).

Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30; NLT).

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; NIV).