Suddenly their eyes were opened and they recognized him (Luke 24:31; NLT).
Introduction
I have always experienced being a person as a very difficult and lonely task. With a mixture of envy and admiration, I have observed the lives of those who seem to navigate events, both good and bad, without having to think about who they are, or how to behave towards others.
One of the coping techniques I have used throughout my life has been to join spiritual groups, one at a time, whose customs and beliefs I felt I could accept and make my own. When other people do this, they seem to experience a sense of ‘belonging’ – of being accepted, and of being part of something larger than themselves. However, this has proved impossible for me.
Spiritual groups
Spiritual growth is my core concern, so over the years I have tried to live according to the approaches modelled by various spiritual teachers, priests, and groups. Sadly, though, I have never been able to make myself fit into any such groups for longer than a few years.
Conforming
This is because membership of a group requires major continuous, conscious efforts, as I strive to conform to its rules and beliefs.
Inevitably, in the end I make an unintentional, yet fatal, mistake, and am rejected.
Alternatively, a group’s views or requirements can become so unacceptable to me that eventually I am no longer willing to make the personal sacrifices needed in order to fit in.
An example of this happened some years ago, when I adopted Saint Mother Theresa’s teaching on humility. This gave a clear structure to my spiritual life, though I was never completely comfortable with her advice. Her way required the constant, conscious, highly-disciplined suppression of all my spontaneous thoughts, opinions beliefs, emotions, needs, impulses and desires. In the end, I simply had to reject it. The price of trying to belong was higher than I was willing or able to pay.
Leaving and loss
Each time I realised I could no longer force myself to fit into a group, I left. Each, in turn, had become my major source of spiritual structure and social contact, so leaving was always a great personal loss. This rendered my life empty of meaning and social contact for months, or even years, afterwards.
Repeatedly having to give up both the way I life I had been trying to follow, and the relationships associated with it, has been a depressingly recurrent patten in my life. Each time this has happened, it has felt like yet another major personal failure on my part. Groups which had seemed to offer fresh hope when I joined, eventually became yet another door closed to me when I disengaged. As I have got older, the growing number of closed doors has left me with very little hope that I can ever truly belong anywhere at all.
Christ’s way
However, I have recently recognised that the only way of life I want to follow is that of Jesus, as described in the gospels. I do not want his teaching to be interpreted for me by others.
Similarly, I don’t need his example to be made into a set of pre-determined rules designed by an authority-figure, theologian or other ‘expert’ for me to follow. God is my authority, and my learning comes from this source alone, in prayer. As John Newton wrote: There is no effectual teacher but God. We can receive no more than he is pleased to communicate (John Newton, “Out of the depths”).
A journey of discovery
Now, at last, I feel ready to start discovering for myself who I am, how I feel, what I think and believe, what I need and desire, and what I want to do. In this way, I hope to begin basing my life on the precious individual, inner factors which make me uniquely me.
This is a completely new way of being a person for me. No one else can do it for me, and I have an awful lot to learn, so it’s definitely time to make a start at this late stage in my life.
Conclusion
I have lived and tried to ‘belong’ by consciously suppressing my own spontaneous thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, impulses and desires all the time. I now realise that these precious inner factors are what make me me.
Let’s finish with a prayer:
Lord Jesus, please set me free to become myself at last, so I can start growing more like you. I ask this through your own dear name: Amen.
I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so that you may know that I am the LORD (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).
References
Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).
You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:32; NLT).
I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you (John 13:15; NLT).
