Category: Abuse

A realisation (with many thanks to T.)

Ruth Kirk

We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

I am a very open person, but I realise that not everyone is the same.

It’s fine for others to be as they are, and it’s also fine for me to be as I am.

Inevitably, we each have our own, different boundaries as a result of how we have reacted to our individual backgrounds, upbringing and experiences.

During my interactions with others, I sometimes accidentally shock someone by being more open than they can comfortably handle.

Childhood taught me that when I say anything another person disapproves of, they will be angry, and reject me. This possibility still makes me very anxious, as I have always felt basically unlikeable, and have always seen being rejected as the end of the world.

As soon as I have said something which has unintentionally shocked someone, I start to obsess about it, and this constant rumination feeds my anxiety, making it grow.

The only way forward is to apologise for having intruded on the other person’s boundaries. However, I am also afraid of speaking out, for fear of making the situation worse. I know that not everyone will accept my apology, so the relationship, however short or long, may already be over.

Now, I am asking myself for the first time if it really is the end of the world for someone to dislike and reject me because of what I’ve unintentionally said. Perhaps this doesn’t need to be quite such a disaster for me. After all, not everyone can like me as I am. Maybe my openness makes them very uncomfortable.

What if saying the wrong thing is just something unfortunate which is bound to happen from time to time, when I unwittingly cross other people’s boundaries as to what they find acceptable? Perhaps this is just a normal part of being human, and of learning by experience?

In the light of all these churning, unresolved thoughts and anxious feelings, here is today’s prayer:

Lord, please help me to remember that none of us is perfect. We are all only human, spontaneous, and therefore fallible. Please help me to accept that I am bound to make mistakes from time to time, and to apologise for them more quickly and confidently. Please heal my endless anxiety. I ask this through your own dear name. Amen.

Everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard (Romans 3:23; NLT).

Reference

Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s (Psalm 103:2-5; NLT).

 

In heaven

Ruth Kirk

Happy are those who mourn; God will comfort them! (Matthew 5:4; GNT).

In heaven, terror turns to peace,
And grief becomes delight.

In heaven, trouble turns to bliss,
And every wrong’s made right.

In heaven, anguish turns to smiles,
And pain, at last, is healed.

In heaven, weeping turns to joy
When Jesus is revealed.

We look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed (Titus 2:13; NLT).

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing (Psalm 30:11; NLT).

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever (Revelation 21:4; NLT).

Sharing

Ruth Kirk

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

I’m sharing my trip here
With Jesus.
I’m sharing my journey
With him.
I’m sharing my lifetime
With Jesus:
God’s Son, who forgives
All my sin.

I’m sharing the present
With Jesus:
We’re sharing the future
God wills.
I’m sharing forever
With Jesus:
God’s Son, who is healing
My ills.

He continues to forgive all your sins; he continues to heal all your diseases (Psalm 103:2-5; ISV).

References

I create the light and make the darkness. I send good times and bad times. I, the LORD, am the one who does these things (Isaiah 45; 7; NLT).

Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad? (Job 2:10; NLT).

I want your will to be done, not mine (Luke 22:42; NLT).

In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28; NIV).

What if I meet my abuser in heaven?

Ruth Kirk

Introduction
Some years ago, when my emotionally-abusive mother died, I was extremely relieved to know she was no longer here, on earth.

However, since then I have often wondered uneasily whether I might have to see her again in heaven. If so, what will I do if she continues to relate to me as she did in life? What if I need to confront her, yet again, about her behaviour? What if she continues to deny, minimise, and dismiss the damage she inflicted on me, just as she did when she was alive?

These thoughts readily re-trigger my anxiety and dread. They make me fear I will never truly escape her power to wound, and even to destroy me.

Heaven: forgiveness and healing
This issue began to change recently, when I saw that in heaven there will be no danger whatsoever of having to confront my mother, for this task belongs to God alone (Zephaniah 3:19; NRSV).

It will be up to God to hear her confession, witness and accept her repentance, and forgive all her sins. I will never know what passes between them, nor is it my concern. Moreover, my mother had damaging experiences of her own, so God will also heal her wounds completely.

In just the same way, my own sins, like those of everyone else, will be forgiven, and all suffering, including that caused by other people, will be healed.

Oneness
When our sin and suffering have been removed, only the innate goodness and perfect wholeness of our souls will remain, for our souls will still be part of God, just as they always have been (Genesis 2:7; KJV).

In heaven, we will at last be fully re-united with God and with each other forever, far beyond time and space (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).

Perhaps we will no longer even be recognisable as the embodied, gendered individuals we were during life, because we shall all be changed (1 Corinthians 15:51; NKJV). Jesus said that we will be like the angels in heaven (Mark 12:25; NIV), whilst John said we will be like Christ (1 John 3:2; NIV).

Conclusion
So, in heaven there will no longer be “abuser” and “victim”, no “others” or “self”. Once we are forgiven and healed, these distinctions will disappear. We will all be one, all like Christ, and all united in God. Our histories, their consequences, and our emotions about them, will pass into nothingness. Everyone will be forgiven, and everyone will be healed. Past events will be viewed very differently, left behind at last, or perhaps mercifully erased.

There is therefore no need to dread having to meet, or confront, our abusers after death. Isaiah offers us a vision of what heaven will be like:

“The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The infant will play near the cobra’s den, and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain” (Isaiah 11:9; NIV).

Amen. God is good! Thank you, Lord!

Lost?

Ruth Kirk

Some wandered in the wilderness, lost and homeless (Psalm 107:4; NLT).

Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom, imprisoned in iron chains of misery (Psalm 107:10; NLT).

Lost in darkness, or abuse?
Lost in emptiness, or dread?
Lost in hopelessness, or sin?
Lost in panic, rage, or fear?

Lost in loneliness, or grief?
Lost in suffering, or pain?
Lost in bitterness, or hate?
Lost in anguish? Christ is here.

The Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost (Luke 19:10; NLT).

I am with you every day, even unto the end of time (Matthew 28:20; ABPE).

References

He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground (Luke 22:41-44; NLT).

Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested (Hebrews 2:18; NLT).

Since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most (Hebrews 4:14-16; NLT).

No power in the sky above or in the earth below – indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:39; NLT).

Anxiety, dread, fear and panic (for D.L.)

Ruth Kirk

Introduction
I have spent a lifetime working on myself, in the hope of overcoming my chronic dread, fear and panic. To avoid repetition, I will refer to these feelings and sensations collectively as anxiety.

As an adult, I have doggedly pursued many different treatment approaches for anxiety. Some have made no difference at all, whilst others have helped to varying degrees. None has enabled me to overcome it completely, but God has been with me every step of the way. I have complete faith that God will bring good from all my struggles.

Glimpsing a way forward
A few nights ago, as I kissed my icon of Jesus before going to bed, I glimpsed a completely new way of relating to my anxiety. To my great surprise, I heard myself asking out loud:

“What if, instead of doing all I can to get rid of anxiety, dread, fear and panic, I simply welcome them, accept them, and listen to what they want to tell me?”

Stunned by the implications of this question, I knew something significant was happening, but had no idea where it might be leading.

Listening to feelings
Next morning, whilst praying sleepily, I realised that whenever I experience anxiety, I can, indeed, ask myself, “What are these feelings telling me?”

Immediately, I knew my answer to this question would always be the same: my anxiety is telling me that I don’t feel safe.

Am I safe?
This means that every time I’m feeling anxious, I can ask myself a single, very important question, a question which calls for an entirely objective answer:

“Am I safe right now?”

In response, I will briefly take stock of my current situation and surroundings. Almost always, the answer is going to be: “Yes, I am safe right now”. When this is the case, no matter how severe my anxiety may be, I will know that it is not about a real and present danger to which I need to react. This means I can safely welcome, accept and embrace how I feel. Instead of fighting my anxiety,  I can relax into it, allowing it to happen, and to pass, in its own time.

Past traumas
I’m able to begin accepting anxiety in this way because I know it is a normal, long-term consequence of an emotionally abusive childhood. I can therefore choose to welcome it without attaching any current significance to how I feel.

Despite what my body and mind are telling me, if there is, objectively-speaking, no current threat to my safety, I can be confident that my feelings belong to the past. Meanwhile, in the present moment, I will be able to remind myself that have nothing to fear, even though I still feel afraid.

Conclusion
Once I grasped the healing potential of this new approach to experiencing anxiety, fear, dread and panic, I resolved to start using it immediately. My aim is to embrace these feelings with healing love, as a prayerful, spiritual practice. Maybe I will report back one day on how I’m getting on!

Acknowledgements
Many years ago, when my anxiety was very bad indeed, I read a book called: “Simple, effective treatment of agoraphobia”, by Dr. Claire Weekes. It became the foundation of all my subsequent efforts to help myself, and continues to influence my approach to feared situations right up to the present day. Without the profound influence this book has had on my life and my thinking, I could not have written the above article.

I also want to express my deepest thanks to D.L. my long-term EMDR therapist. She has helped me through many years of struggling to overcome the consequences of my past. Her warmth, skill, patience, insight, knowledge, empathy, kindness and humour continue to be my lifeline, and my example.

Judgement and forgiveness

Ruth Kirk

Today’s blog has two stages, which came to me one after the other as I was praying very late last night.

1. Judgement

I will deal with all your oppressors (Zephaniah 3:19; NRSV).

Judgement won’t be down to me,
But you, Lord,
For you, alone,
Will deal with my oppressors.

I  won’t need to speak,
Or even see, Lord,
For you, alone,
Will handle my transgressors.

I’ll have peace of mind
From now, for good, Lord,
For you, alone,
Will talk with my aggressors.

In due season God will judge everyone, both good and bad, for all their deeds (Ecclesiastes 3:17; NLT).

2. Forgiveness

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you (Matthew 6:14; NLT).

Yahweh, we forgive
All those who’ve harmed us;
Please forgive them, too, Lord –
Don’t condemn.

Have mercy on us all,
For we’ve hurt others,
So we are just as guilty, Lord,
As them.

This is our plea, today,
And evermore, Lord:
Yahweh, forgive and heal us all,
Amen.

The LORD forgives our sins, heals us when we are sick (Psalm 103:3; CEV).

Making peace

Ruth Kirk

I search for peace (Psalm 120:7; NLT).

Help us to make peace, Lord,
With ourselves:
With memories of bullies
And accusers,
Of parents, partners, teachers,
And abusers.

Help us to make peace, Lord,
With our past:
With all the  wounds which lead
To mental illness –
Re-parent us, through silent prayer,
And stillness.

I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother’s milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me (Psalm 131:2; NLT).

I have worth

Ruth Kirk

Today’s blog lists what I am currently learning as I slowly follow God’s path of inner healing. Regular readers might notice that both lists relate to my efforts to tackle the life-long consequences of being emotionally abused from childhood onwards.

I have worth, so no one has the right:

  • To tell me what to do, to dominate, control, or terrify me.
  • To shout and scream at me.
  • To tell me what to eat, how much to eat, or when to eat.
  • To limit my independence.
  • To discourage my ambitions.
  • To belittle, or dismiss, my achievements.
  • To tell me what faith I can belong to, or what church I am allowed to attend.
  • To give away, sell, or throw away my possessions without asking.

I have worth, so I have the right:

  • To listen to my body, and take care of it.
  • To look after my mental health, and my emotional and spiritual needs.
  • To try new activities, and learn new skills.
  • To take pleasure in my efforts and achievements.
  • To explore my spirituality, and discover what is meaningful to me.
  • To be open, honest and assertive, without being hurtful to others.
  • To change and grow.
  • To be honest with others about how I am, both physically and mentally.
  • To rest when I need to.
  • To challenge, and disagree with, other people’s points of view.
  • To fail.

Summary: I have the right to be myself.

References

He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle (Matthew 12:20; NLT).

Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children” (Luke 18:16; NLT).

God’s love

Ruth Kirk

God’s love toward us is great, God’s faithfulness, eternal (Psalm 117:2; TIB).

My God, you love me evermore!
You sent your only Son, to save
Us all. Your Spirit gave me birth,
So, through your loving, I have worth.

You never grab me, scream abuse,
Fill me with dread, or threaten me,
Or break my heart, or mind, or soul:
Instead, you want to make me whole.

You know my mother damaged me.
She wasn’t perfect; nor am I.
She was so angry, bitter, raw:
But she can’t hurt me any more –

Because you hold me in your hands,
And make my trauma work for good.
You are my source, my life, my goal:
You will restore, and save, my soul!

God, “…restores my soul” (Psalm 23:3; NKJV). 

God, “…will spare the poor and needy, and will save the souls of the needy” (Psalm 72:13; NKJV).

References

They swung their axes like woodcutters in a forest. With axes and picks, they smashed the carved paneling. They burned your sanctuary to the ground. They defiled the place that bears your name. Then they thought, “Let’s destroy everything!” So they burned down all the places where God was worshiped (Psalm 74:5-8; NLT).

Your anointed will rescue the poor when they cry out, and the oppressed when there is no one to help them. Your chosen one will take pity on the lowly and the poor, and will save their lives. Your chosen one will rescue them all from violence and oppression, and will treat their blood as precious (Psalm 72:12-14; TIB).

We know that God makes everything work together for the good of those who love God and have been called according to God’s purpose (Romans 8:28; TIB).

There is no fear in love, for perfect love drives out fear. To fear is to expect punishment, and anyone who is afraid is still imperfect in love. We love because God first loved us (1 John 4:18-19; TIB).