Category: Abuse

Saying, “Yes” to dread

Ruth Kirk

There they are, overwhelmed with dread, where there was nothing to dread (Psalm 53:5; NIV). 

Introduction
For the last few weeks I have been exploring my chronic sense of *dread (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dTm, for example). Today’s blog describes a way of handling it which came to me whilst I was praying a few days ago.

Psalm 74
My dread springs from the trauma and emotional damage I experienced when I was young. A passage in Psalm 74 accurately captures the toxic atmosphere in my childhood home:

Turn your steps toward these everlasting ruins, all this destruction the enemy has brought on the sanctuary. Your foes roared in the place where you met with us; they set up their standards as signs. They behaved like men wielding axes to cut through a thicket of trees. They smashed all the carved paneling with their axes and hatchets. They burned your sanctuary to the ground; they defiled the dwelling place of your Name. They said in their hearts, “We will crush them completely!” They burned every place where God was worshiped in the land (Psalm 74:3-8; NIV). 

Praying before my icon
Last Wednesday I stood praying before my icon of Mary. As I touched both her hand and that of the infant Christ, I was longing for my dread to disappear. Suddenly I saw a different attitude to living with my dread. Thanking her, I hurried to write it down.

My notes became a prayer which encapsulates this new way forward. Now, I am trying to say, “Yes” to my dread, and to thank God for it, in accordance with the charism of the Community of Our Lady of Walsingham (p10, The Book of Life, Community of Our Lady of Walsingham; 2022). 

Saying “Yes” to dread
So instead of longing for my dread go away, I now pray like this:

Lord, thank you for my sense of dread. It kept me safe when I was young, never knowing when, or where, the axe of my mother’s fury would fall next.

Please help me to welcome and accept my dread, surrounding it with love and gratitude. I want to rejoice in it as my oldest friend: the primitive, instinctive part of me that has protected me since birth.

Healing touch
After saying a spontaneous version of these words, I lay my hand on my abdomen and whisper to my dread: 

My dearest friend, you can relax now. You no longer need to be constantly vigilant, ready to make me freeze, run away, or hide, in order to protect myself. You and I are in God’s hands, and we are safe now, no matter what happens.

A final prayer
Then I end like this:

Lord, thank you for my dread. Please help me to surround it with love. I ask this in your dear Son’s name. Amen.

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

References 

*The symptoms of Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), include “A pervasive feeling of apprehension or dread” (helpguide.org).

All your waves and breakers have swept over me (Psalm 42:7; NIV).

I am in the hands of the Lord, the Most High is my safe resting-place (Psalm 91:9; BBE).

 

Feeling unacceptable

Ruth Kirk

I wrote this blog in 2023, but it may have new relevance now that I have discovered I may be autistic, so I’m including it here.

Introduction
The day before yesterday, as soon as I woke, I wrote down the emotions crowding that night’s dream. For the first time in years, this included some positive feelings alongside the usual negatives, although this blog will mainly focus on the negatives:

Negatives: Feeling unacceptable, disliked, rejected, ashamed, unloved, unlovable, a failure, vulnerable, insecure.

Positives: Briefly feeling wanted, joyful, loving, connected with a person, connected with an animal.

A learning opportunity
Dreams are a learning opportunity. Writing down the emotions they generate enables me to connect with aspects of myself it would be much more comfortable to ignore, deny, or suppress.

As I began to pray, I saw that the emotions experienced during my dream were showing me how I feel about myself. Then I understood that throughout my life a lot of my waking behaviour and sense of self have been driven by the negative emotions listed above.

The origins of my fear and insecurity 
The feelings I typically experience during dreams have their origins in my relationship with my mother. As a child, I had no way of understanding them or putting them into words. I instinctively concealed them, because expressing them in any way risked incurring my mother’s criticism, anger and punishment. It was made crystal clear that I was a burden, so, unsurprisingly, I grew up feeling deeply unacceptable to others.

However, I couldn’t hide the effect this had on me. My distress was revealed by behaviours I couldn’t control, including tears, anxiety, fears, lack of confidence, recurrent nightmares, headaches, stress, perfectionism, bed-wetting and sleepwalking.

As I got older, the origin of my fears was buried far beyond conscious awareness. However, my damaged sense of self continued to fester in my unconscious mind, surfacing as panic attacks which seemed to come out of the blue. Anxiety, agoraphobia, claustrophobia and depression went on to dominate my life for many years, until I eventually started to get effective help.

My emotional framework
I see now that all my dreams essentially reveal how I have come to feel about myself as a result of how I was treated as a child. My negative experiences formed the foundation of my adult self-image.

However, alongside this realisation I’m beginning to glimpse that perhaps my feelings about myself don’t actually belong to me at all; they may simply be how I was made to feel when I was young. Hopefully, more will be revealed in the coming days.

Positive emotions
Meanwhile, I haven’t forgotten those rare, positive emotions experienced during my dream. These have given me hope that if my unconscious mind, and therefore my dreams, can change, perhaps my conscious sense of who and what I am can change as well.

So, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

Thank  you, Lord God,
With all my heart,
For the secret riches
You give me
From the darkness
Of my unconscious mind.

Through Jesus’ name.
Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

 

Healing dreams

Ruth Kirk

God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it. He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds (Job 33:14-15; NLT). 

Forgotten dreams
In prayer one day, I saw that when I can’t remember a dream, I can be sure that it contained nothing I need to know about or deal with at present.

The same is also true when I remember a dream, but no significant theme or emotion stands out. After thanking God for these quiet dreams, I simply let them go. Experience shows that any vague fragments I recall will quickly fade from consciousness.

Recurring dreams
Even if I miss or forget something significant, I’m confident that it will emerge repeatedly in my dreams until I’m ready and able to catch hold of what it has to teach me. This is because the contents of my unconscious mind (memories, traumatic experiences, hidden desires, buried emotions etc), are constantly present, even though I’m not conscious of them. They bubble away beyond awareness, constantly influencing all I feel, think, say and do. They affect how I understand and judge my past, how I react to events in the present, and how I approach the future. They help to determine how I experience life, and how I relate to others.

If I had to face all the contents of my unconscious mind at once, I’m sure I they would overwhelm me. I would become very disturbed, and break down. On the other hand, if I tried to avoid facing them altogether, I would be unable to change, grow and move forward in my life.

Gradual healing through dreams
Given time, I believe that every significant unresolved experience, trauma and emotion buried in my unconscious mind will gradually be revealed in my dreams. This natural process will continue until I have remembered them all, named them, and written them down. This will enable me to face them one at a time, bring them into the light of my prayers, and asking God to heal them. Thus, through dreams, these issues will no longer remain hidden in darkness, until symptoms such as panic, loss of temper, or despair erupt uncontrollably and without warning, apparently from nowhere.

Cause for rejoicing
So when I check my notebook each morning, I rejoice to see what has been harvested from my unconscious mind during the night. Despite no longer remembering the dreams themselves, their major themes have been safely retrieved and made accessible, ready for prayer. This is all I need.

No surprises for God
Of course, there are no surprises for God in all that surfaces; only for me. This is because God already knows the thoughts of my heart and everything about me that is hidden from conscious awareness. With dreams as my way forward, it’s wonderful to know that even my unconscious mind is being healed.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me (Psalm 139:1; NLT).

References 

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

 

One word

Ruth Kirk

Today’s prayer arrived very soon after yesterday’s (https://wp.me/p45bCr-cFG). It recognises still further how incredibly fragile and vulnerable we all are:

Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Rabbi!” and kissed him. The men seized Jesus and arrested him (Mark 14; 45-6; NIV).

One word, one kiss,
One cross, one breath:

We’re just one step
Away from death.

One blow, one shot,
One bomb, one breath:

We’re all one step
Away from death.

When you take away their breath, they die and turn again to dust (Psalm 104:29; NLT).

 

The healing process

Ruth Kirk

Yesterday I woke very early, and saw that God lives in my unconscious mind, waiting and longing to heal me.

Healing is a lifelong process. It means slowly becoming conscious of all that is hidden in the darkness of my unconscious mind, so I can change and grow.

I can encourage this process by:

  • Seeking God
  • Waiting on God 
  • Praying constantly 
  • Listening to God
  • Learning from God
  • Practicing God’s presence

Slowly, slowly, God reveals to me all the damage that lives on in my inner darkness, bringing it into the light of consciousness, so it can be healed. This includes the psychological consequences of the trauma, bullying, coercive control and abuse I suffered throughout my childhood, and far beyond.

I can share in this process by:

  • Opening myself to all God uncovers and reveals to me
  • Facing what I am shown
  • Accepting it
  • Cooperating with God’s healing
  • Learning from from what God tells me
  • Working to change how I feel, think, speak and behave

As God helps me to change and grow, I become more whole as a person, and therefore just a tiny bit more like Christ.

There is no deeper or more complete healing than God’s inner healing.

The Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image (2 Corinthians 3:18; NLT).

 

Light and darkness (with thanks to KB)

Ruth Kirk

This blog arrived yesterday morning, whilst I was exchanging messages with a friend. It simply formed in my mind as I began to respond. By the time I had put it into words, I realised I needed to hold on to what I had written, so I copied and pasted it into my spiritual diary. Here is the result:

You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light (2 Samuel 22:29; NLT).

Lord, you are light, and you live in the darkness of my unconscious mind (see reference #1).

Constantly present there, you move mysteriously in the depths, patiently revealing, insight by insight, all that is hidden within me, especially all that needs healing (2).

As long as I keep on searching, waiting, looking, listening, learning, changing and growing, you keep on revealing more and more, slowly bringing everything about me into the light (3). 

Through this life-long process, you are healing all the physical, mental and emotional damage caused by my abusive childhood (4).

Thank you so much for everything you show me, Lord, for all your love, help, and healing.

I offer this prayer through your dear Son’s name.

Amen.

References

God is light (1 John 1:5; NLT).

Clouds and thick darkness surround him (Psalm 97:2; NIV).

He shrouded himself in darkness (2 Samuel 22:12; NLT). 

We are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people” (2 Corinthians 6:16; NLT).

You cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things (Ecclesiastes 11:5; NLT). 

He knows the secrets of every heart (Psalm 44:21; NLT). 

He reveals deep and mysterious things and knows what lies hidden in darkness (Daniel 2:22; NLT).

Moses approached the thick darkness where God was (Exodus 20:21; NLT).

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened (Luke 11:9-10; NLT). 

I am the Lord who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

 

Realisations

Ruth Kirk

I would much rather that someone hurt me, than that I hurt someone else. Realising I have accidentally hurt someone always fills me with dread, because I have no hope or expectation of being forgiven after discovering my mistake and saying how sorry I am.

All this comes from long experience of my mother, from whom I learned that I would always be blamed, punished and rejected for whatever wrong she considered me to have done. Never forgiven or forgotten, all my mistakes were cumulatively held against me. I have long been aware that this is not a good foundation for relating to other people, or understanding what God is like, yet it has proved astonishingly difficult to change.

Yesterday morning I woke up still feeling very anxious and upset about a mistake I made, and apologised for, the day before. As I was talking it through with the person concerned, God suddenly deluged me with a series of shattering personal realisations. I wept whilst the whole experience brought badly-needed healing to my poor, damaged soul.

This is what I realised: 

God is not at all like my earthly mother

God accepts my sorrow, then forgives and forgets my sins.
God’s love is unconditional and unfailing.
God always wants the best for me.
God doesn’t resent me for existing.
God won’t belittle, bully, or abuse me.
God never blames me for having an accident of any kind.
God doesn’t punish me for making mistakes.
God doesn’t rage at me, or reject me, for doing something I didn’t know was wrong.
God doesn’t see me as a changeling – i.e. not at all what was expected or desired.
God never sees me, or treats me, as an unwanted burden.
God doesn’t see me as basically unlovable.

And out of all this learning came today’s spontaneous, heartfelt, little prayer:

You touched my soul today, Lord God;
You touched my soul today.
You touched and healed,
For you revealed
The wisdom of your way.

God’s way is perfect (2 Samuel 22:31; NLT).

References 

God is love (1 John 4:8; NIV). 

He forgives all my sins (Psalm 103:3; NLT). 

He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3; NKJV). 

Follow the way of love (1 Corinthians 14:1; NIV).

 

Victims and oppressors

Ruth Kirk

When I read or hear about the dreadful things we human beings do to others, I pray for those who have been made to suffer. If they are alive, I ask God to heal them. If they are dead, I pray for their souls, knowing that God heals and blesses them in heaven.

Next, I pray for all who are affected by the harm that has been done to someone they love. I ask God to comfort and strengthen those who are now anxious, distressed, or bereft, as a result of the wrong that has been done.

After this, I ask God to support everyone who tries to help those who have been victimised. This includes, for example, health workers, the police and the justice system.

Lastly, I pray for those who have abused, hurt, or killed others. I ask God to help them face and take responsibility for what they have done, to repent, and to change for the better.

And today’s blog grew out of this practice:

I observed all the oppression that takes place under the sun. I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power, and their victims are helpless (Ecclesiastes 4:1; NLT). 

I pray for victims and oppressors:
Lord, please help them all.
I pray for victims and abusers:
May they hear your call.

I pray for victims and transgressors:  
May they turn to you,
Accept your love, be reconciled,
And start their lives anew.

I pray for victims and aggressors:
Yahweh, heal them all.
I pray for victims and attackers:
May they hear your call.

I pray for victims and their killers:
Lord, mend all that mars
Your perfect image in us all:
Please heal our wounds and scars.

Humankind was created as God’s reflection: in the divine image God created them; female and male, God made them (Genesis 1:27; TIB). 

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
(Psalm 147:3; NLT).

A dream: 13.8.22.

Ruth Kirk

A few nights ago I had a vivid, strange and disturbing dream:

I saw a group of very young children who had just been separated from those whose task it was to take care of them. The children weren’t old enough to walk, so they were having to crawl along a rough, narrow, dirty street, moving away from their carers, and towards an unknown destination.

All of them were wailing. It was a heartbreaking sound. In his distress, perhaps blinded by tears, one little boy blundered head-first into a stone wall. He slumped to the ground, and I was shocked to hear him cry out, “They don’t love us any more”, in utter despair, hopelessness and desolation. After that he stopped moving. It was clear that he had given up the will to survive.

My heart went out to him. I jumped up and ran to him, putting my arms round his small body to comfort him. At that moment, I woke up with my arms clasped around my pillow. Instantly, even before I could begin to pray, several realisations struck me hard: 

What I realised
Everything I experienced during my childhood laid the foundations of my mental health during adult life.

This includes how I was treated by those who brought me up, as well as by those I was exposed to at school, in churches, clubs, hospitals and all other settings.

Thus, for good or ill, I have been influenced and affected by all the relationships and events I experienced during my formative years.

Comments
From my dream, and from the realisations which followed immediately afterwards, I understood even more clearly than before that the damage done to me in childhood caused the wounds and scars I have carried into adulthood.

These wounds shaped the person I have become, including all I feel, think, say and do. They affect how I behave, relate to others, cope with suffering, treat the world, understand God, and even whether or not I want to live. They also affected how I brought up my son, and how I reacted to having a miscarriage.

My dream showed me the mechanism by which so much of my psychological distress and mental illness has been caused. Only God can fully heal the inner damage I sustained, and the consequences with which I have had to live.

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds (Psalm 147:3; NLT).

 

The flood

Ruth Kirk

Recently, I’ve been thinking about the flood narrative in Genesis, which illustrates the disastrous consequences of sinful, human behaviour:

YHWH saw the great wickedness of the people of the earth, that the thoughts in their hearts fashioned nothing but evil. YHWH was sorry that humankind had been created on earth; it pained God’s heart. YHWH said, “I will wipe this human race that I have created from the face of the earth – not only the humans, but also the animals, the reptiles, and the birds of the heavens. I am sorry I ever made them” (Genesis 6:5-7; TIB).

So God sent a great flood to wipe out all living things:

For forty days the flood continued… The waters rose so high over the earth that all the high mountains under heaven were covered… All life on the earth perished – birds, domestic animals, wild animals, all swarming creatures, and all humankind (Genesis 7:17-21; TIB).

The TIB translation includes an interesting scholarly footnote for this passage:

“Some commentators feel the story of the Flood speaks of the ending of the last ice age, when the melt from the receding glaciers raised the sea level high enough to submerge much of what had before been dry land.”

The Biblical flood story is usually seen as being safely in the past, but it recently occurred to me that it can also be understood as a prophecy, for as global warming melts the polar ice-caps, similarly catastrophic flooding is becoming inevitable.

Of course, some readers may rightly point out that after the flood God promised never to cause such terrible destruction again (Genesis 8:21; TIB). However, modern climate change is not an act of God. Rather, it is caused by human over-exploitation of finite earthly resources. The causes and consequences of global warming are therefore ours alone, as we move ever further from our original commission to, “cultivate and care for the land” (Genesis 2:15; TIB).

So, flowing from these reflections, here is today’s prayer:

From the least to the greatest, their lives are ruled by greed (Jeremiah 6:13; NLT). 

How can you bear our wastefulness?
How can you bear our greed?
How can you bear our selfishness?
How can you bear our hate?

How can you bear our ignorance?
How can you bear our pride?
How can you bear our foolishness?
You weep in us all, and wait.

How can you bear our bitterness?
How can you bear our strife?
How can you bear our wickedness?
How can you bear our sin?

How can you bear our cruelty?
How can you bear our wars?
How can you bear our lovelessness?
You weep, Lord, and wait within.

The LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion (Isaiah 30:18; NLT).

You are the temple of the living God (2 Corinthians 6:16; NKJV).