Category: Dream

Conscience

Ruth Kirk

Over the last few weeks, since a dream reminded me of something wrong I did many years ago, I’ve been living with a constant sense of dread. Even confessing to the person concerned, and being forgiven by them has made no difference. Once my childhood dread has been re-triggered, it’s not under my conscious control, and seems impossible to shift. However, I’ve now begun working on this with my trauma therapist, and am hoping I can improve again.

Meanwhile, many of the prayers I’m given continue to explore the issues of sin, conscience, guilt, confession, shame, forgiveness and reconciliation.

I always try to maintain a clear conscience before God and all people (Acts 24:16; NLT). 

I close my eyes, Lord,
Face my conscience,
And confess my sins
To you,

Asking you, Lord,
To forgive
The wrongs I think,
And say, and do.

Then I go
To those I’ve hurt,
Apologise
For what I’ve done,

And beg them, Lord,
To grant me pardon,
For the sake
Of your dear Son.

Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear (1 Timothy 1:19; NLT).

References 

If you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God (Matthew 5:23-4; NLT).

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water (Hebrews 10:22; NIV).

 

Your names

Ruth Kirk

This prayer arrived yesterday morning after a night disturbed by several bad dreams:

I will praise God’s name (Psalm 69:30; NLT). 

Yahweh, Jesus, Paraclete,
Your names, Lord, make my joy complete:
My God, my Shepherd King, my Friend,
My source, my purpose, and my end.

Yahweh, Jesus, Paraclete,
No other words, Lord, taste as sweet:
My flesh and blood, mind, heart and soul
Belong to you, my highest goal.

My goal is to know him and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings, being conformed to his death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead (Philippians 3:10; CSB).

References 

Your joy will be complete (John 16:24; NIV). 

How sweet your words taste to me; they are sweeter than honey (Psalm 119:103: NLT). 

We belong to God (1 John 4:6; NLT). 

You belong to Christ Jesus (1 Corinthians 1:4; NLT).

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit (Romans 8:9; NET).

You belong to him in body and spirit (Malachi 2:15; NIV).

A dream of God

Ruth Kirk

This prayer came to me yesterday, when I had to get up early for a hospital appointment. It was difficult to write, but finally came together during the afternoon, as I slept and woke repeatedly:

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul (Psalm 25:1; ESV). 

Prayer is like a dream of God:
Absorbed by love which never ends,

By truth and light, by strength and fire,
By peace, to which my soul ascends.

Prayer is like a dream of God:
At one in love which never dims,

And so, with childlike trust, I praise
The Lamb, who takes away my sins.

The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Here is the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29; CSB).

 

A dream of love

Ruth Kirk

My prayer
Is like a dream of love,

Beyond this world
And all I know;

A dream in which
The truth is all,

Where mercy
And forgiveness reign

In God, beyond my guilt
And shame.

Beyond my life,
Beyond my death:

One mind, one heart,
One soul, one breath.

The LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul (Genesis 2:7; KJV).

Reference

The Spirit of God hath made me, and the breath of the Almighty hath given me life (Job 33:4; KJV).

The life of every living thing is in his hand, and the breath of every human being (Job 12:10; NLT).

The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).

There is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all (Ephesians 4:4-6; NLT).

You also are complete through your union with Christ (Colossians 2:10; NLT).

A reading from Philippians 3:8-11; NLT.

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him.

I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.

I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

 

My shadow

Ruth Kirk

After having the dream described in yesterday’s blog (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dIF), this poem came to me very insistently a short while afterwards:

I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me (Psalm 51:3; NIV). 

Recognising all the wrongs
I silence in my anxious mind,
Help me to disclose my shadow,
Sharing it with you each day.

Facing up to all the guilt
I stifle in my fearful heart,
Help me to reveal my shadow,
Sharing it with you in prayer.

Owning up to all the shame
I smother in my anguished soul,
Help me to express my shadow,
Sharing it with you through dance.

So, may I expose my shadow
To your constant, healing light.
Please forgive my endless sins,
And give me, Lord, another chance.

Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O LORD (Psalm 25:7; NLT).

I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more (Isaiah 43:25; NIV).

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland (Isaiah 43:18-19; NIV). 

References 

I know every thought that comes into your minds (Ezekiel 11:5; NLT).

Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely (Psalm 139:4; NIV).

He knows the secrets of every heart (Psalm 44:21; NLT). 

The LORD’s light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive (Proverbs 20:27; NLT).

Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

You desire honesty from the womb (Psalm 51:6; NLT). 

Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O LORD (Psalm 25:7; NLT).

A dream of unconditional love

Ruth Kirk

Introduction
For several weeks I have been living with a constant, painful sense of dread, which began after a particularly disturbing dream. Last Wednesday I talked this over with a wise, spiritual woman. All that day, I had a headache, which progressed to a migraine by bedtime, leading to a very disturbed night. Early next morning I had a vivid dream about my father, which is a very rare occurrence for me, as we were never close. I have no memories of him asking me about myself, touching, kissing, or embracing me.

The dream
In the dream, my father and I were standing next to a car in a country park. Within the park there was a sports centre, built on top of a steep hill. He wanted to walk there, but I needed to continue in the car, as I wasn’t strong enough to climb the hill. We therefore agreed to split up, meeting again shortly at the centre.

The car took me quickly up the hill, but my father didn’t arrive as expected, and I gradually became more and more concerned about him. Aware that he had already suffered two heart attacks, I feared he might have had a third on the hill, and be lying somewhere needing help, or even dead.

Then, at last, he arrived. We hugged tightly for a long time, sharing a deep, reciprocal closeness. While we were hugging, he kept murmuring in my ear gently, quietly and comfortingly. Although I can’t remember what he said, his words and tone of voice were soothing and reassuring.

In the dream, I knew that my mother was dead, but as the hug continued, I felt for the first time ever that this man was my father and my mother, all at once. It was an entirely novel sensation for me, both physically and emotionally. I also experienced love for him, and because of the way he was holding me I was confident that he loved me, too. During our hug I felt safe, loved, satisfied and complete.

Waking up
After waking up, I realised that my dream had given me a first, brief glimpse of God’s unconditional love. This left me stunned. It’s something I have known about intellectually for a long time, but I hadn’t truly experienced it before this dream.

As truly as God is our Father, so truly is God our Mother (Julian of Norwich).

He loves us with unfailing love; the LORD’s faithfulness endures forever. Praise the LORD! (Psalm 117:2; NLT).

A dream of sharing

Ruth Kirk

This what I dreamed today, early in the morning:

I was stressed, anxious, exhausted and alone. It was getting dark, and I was running out of energy in a big city, where I couldn’t find my hotel. The friend I had been with earlier had left me.

Then I stumbled across an Orthodox service taking place in a large, crypt-like cave which was half underground. I glimpsed many priests inside, standing in rows, wearing beautiful robes.

There were a few casual onlookers outside the crypt. Close by was a long, high wall with a large, stone bas-relief of an icon. I walked past the icon, not immediately realising what it was, but as soon as it registered in my mind, I stepped back a pace or two, and stood in front of it. There, I made the sign of the cross in the Orthodox manner, just as I do when awake.

Then I woke very suddenly, experiencing a moment of pure joy, because I had been a Christian in my dream, just as I have so often asked in prayer (see https://wp.me/p45bCr-dov). Next, I quickly noted down everything that had happened, before it began to fade.

When this was done, I started to pray, giving all the experiences and emotions of my dream to God. However, in a flash, I realised that I wasn’t just giving them to God, who already knew all about them, and had sent them. Rather, I was sharing them with God.

Then I grasped that my dream had given me an opportunity to share through first-hand experience just a little of what Jesus experienced and felt at different times during his life on earth. This left me stunned, and, as so often, wondering what might come next.

 

Feeling unacceptable

Ruth Kirk

I wrote this blog in 2023, but it may have new relevance now that I have discovered I may be autistic, so I’m including it here.

Introduction
The day before yesterday, as soon as I woke, I wrote down the emotions crowding that night’s dream. For the first time in years, this included some positive feelings alongside the usual negatives, although this blog will mainly focus on the negatives:

Negatives: Feeling unacceptable, disliked, rejected, ashamed, unloved, unlovable, a failure, vulnerable, insecure.

Positives: Briefly feeling wanted, joyful, loving, connected with a person, connected with an animal.

A learning opportunity
Dreams are a learning opportunity. Writing down the emotions they generate enables me to connect with aspects of myself it would be much more comfortable to ignore, deny, or suppress.

As I began to pray, I saw that the emotions experienced during my dream were showing me how I feel about myself. Then I understood that throughout my life a lot of my waking behaviour and sense of self have been driven by the negative emotions listed above.

The origins of my fear and insecurity 
The feelings I typically experience during dreams have their origins in my relationship with my mother. As a child, I had no way of understanding them or putting them into words. I instinctively concealed them, because expressing them in any way risked incurring my mother’s criticism, anger and punishment. It was made crystal clear that I was a burden, so, unsurprisingly, I grew up feeling deeply unacceptable to others.

However, I couldn’t hide the effect this had on me. My distress was revealed by behaviours I couldn’t control, including tears, anxiety, fears, lack of confidence, recurrent nightmares, headaches, stress, perfectionism, bed-wetting and sleepwalking.

As I got older, the origin of my fears was buried far beyond conscious awareness. However, my damaged sense of self continued to fester in my unconscious mind, surfacing as panic attacks which seemed to come out of the blue. Anxiety, agoraphobia, claustrophobia and depression went on to dominate my life for many years, until I eventually started to get effective help.

My emotional framework
I see now that all my dreams essentially reveal how I have come to feel about myself as a result of how I was treated as a child. My negative experiences formed the foundation of my adult self-image.

However, alongside this realisation I’m beginning to glimpse that perhaps my feelings about myself don’t actually belong to me at all; they may simply be how I was made to feel when I was young. Hopefully, more will be revealed in the coming days.

Positive emotions
Meanwhile, I haven’t forgotten those rare, positive emotions experienced during my dream. These have given me hope that if my unconscious mind, and therefore my dreams, can change, perhaps my conscious sense of who and what I am can change as well.

So, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

Thank  you, Lord God,
With all my heart,
For the secret riches
You give me
From the darkness
Of my unconscious mind.

Through Jesus’ name.
Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

 

A direct connection

Ruth Kirk

A dream

A few days ago, I dreamed I was lost in a city I had never visited before, and where I knew no-one at all. It was dark, and after trying, unsuccessfully, to use a river as an escape route I was wet and cold. I was also afraid, overwhelmed, alone and desperate, very close to panicking.

Revelation

Despite my waking sense of calm acceptance, this dream revealed the emotions present in my unconscious mind after receiving a new diagnosis of Autonomic Dysfunction, accompanied by a very slow heart rate. I was given this diagnosis last Tuesday, and the dream came during the following night.

As soon as I began to pray next morning, I saw that although the overt scenario of my dream bore no resemblance to what is currently happening in my life, the emotions it generated were highly relevant. When awake, I wasn’t feeling these emotions at all. However, during my dream, I experienced them to the full. After jotting them down during the night, and reading them next morning, I could see how closely they related to current events in my life.

Dreams: symbols of past and present realities

Then I saw and understood more generally how the events in my dreams symbolise, reflect and explore what is happening in my life. Until having the dream described above, I had always thought that my dreams revealed buried emotions belonging to past events and traumas, and of course this may still be the case with some dreams. However, last Wednesday God showed me that my dreams also reveal current hidden or suppressed emotions – emotions I don’t experience when awake.

A direct connection to the unconscious mind

This came as a complete surprise. I now see that my dreams offer a much more direct connection to my unconscious mind than I had previously realised. This link is a pearl beyond price to me, so  I’ll be reflecting on it in the days to come, and looking forward to learning more.

God speaks again and again, though people do not recognise it. He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds (Job 33:14-15; NLT).

Reference

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

 

God’s way through

Ruth Kirk

The emotions surfacing in last night’s dream were loss, anger, distress and powerlessness. Once again, I woke up shouting, then began to pray.

It’s very rare for me to pray for myself, but facing the Breast Clinic tomorrow with a lump on my sternum, this is how I prayed today, writing it down immediately afterwards:

Lord, whatever this lump turns out to be, please help me through the whole experience.

Please help everyone who is suffering in any way to go through whatever they must face.

Even while I’m saying this, Lord, I know you’re always with every one of us, sharing our suffering, and longing to help us through it. Yet even you, our Creator, have to wait until we turn to you and ask.

Please help everyone who is suffering to come to you, so you can show us your love and compassion, while you help us to go through whatever we must experience.

I ask this in your dear Son’s name. Amen.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me (Psalm 23:4, NLT).

References 

Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:6; NLT).

You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate (Matthew 7:13; NLT).

He became anguished and distressed (Matthew 26:37; NLT).

He prayed that, if it were possible, the awful hour awaiting him might pass him by. “Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (Mark 14: 35-6; NLT).

My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done (Matthew 26:42; NLT, my emphasis).

In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years (Isaiah 63:9; NLT). 

The LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion (Isaiah 30:18; NLT).