23.2.23: Feeling unacceptable

Introduction
The day before yesterday, as soon as I woke, I wrote down the emotions crowding that night’s dream. For the first time in years, this included some positive feelings alongside the usual negatives, although this blog will mainly focus on the negatives:

Negatives: Feeling unacceptable, disliked, rejected, ashamed, unloved, unlovable, a failure, vulnerable, insecure.

Positives: Briefly feeling wanted, joyful, loving, connected with a person, connected with an animal.

A learning opportunity
Dreams are a learning opportunity. Writing down the emotions they generate enables me to connect with aspects of myself it would be much more comfortable to ignore, deny, or suppress.

As I began to pray, I saw that the emotions experienced during my dream were showing me how I feel about myself. Then I understood that throughout my life a lot of my waking behaviour and sense of self have been driven by the negative emotions listed above.

The origins of my fear and insecurity 
The feelings I typically experience during dreams have their origins in my relationship with my mother. As a child, I had no way of understanding them or putting them into words. I instinctively concealed them, because expressing them in any way risked incurring my mother’s criticism, anger and punishment. It was made crystal clear that I was a burden, so, unsurprisingly, I grew up feeling deeply unacceptable to others.

However, I couldn’t hide the effect this had on me. My distress was revealed by behaviours I couldn’t control, including tears, anxiety, fears, lack of confidence, recurrent nightmares, headaches, stress, perfectionism, bed-wetting and sleepwalking.

As I got older, the origin of my fears was buried far beyond conscious awareness. However, my damaged sense of self continued to fester in my unconscious mind, surfacing as panic attacks which seemed to come out of the blue. Anxiety, agoraphobia, claustrophobia and depression went on to dominate my life for many years, until I eventually started to get effective help.

My emotional framework
I see now that all my dreams essentially reveal how I have come to feel about myself as a result of how I was treated as a child. My negative experiences formed the foundation of my adult self-image.

However, alongside this realisation I’m beginning to glimpse that perhaps my feelings about myself don’t actually belong to me at all; they may simply be how I was made to feel when I was young. Hopefully, more will be revealed in the coming days.

Positive emotions
Meanwhile, I haven’t forgotten those rare, positive emotions experienced during my dream. These have given me hope that if my unconscious mind, and therefore my dreams, can change, perhaps my conscious sense of who and what I am can change as well.

So, after that long introduction, here is today’s prayer:

Give thanks in all circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18; NIV). 

Thank  you, Lord God,
With all my heart,
For the secret riches
You give me
From the darkness
Of my unconscious mind.

Through Jesus’ name.
Amen.

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches (Isaiah 45:3; NLT). 

11.2.23: Healing through dreams

God speaks again and again, though people do not recognize it. He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds (Job 33:14-15; NLT). 

Forgotten dreams

In prayer yesterday, I saw that when I can’t remember a dream, I can be sure that it contained nothing I need to know about or deal with at present. 

The same is also true when I remember a dream, but no significant theme or emotion stands out. After thanking God for these quiet dreams, I simply let them go. Experience shows that any vague fragments I recall will quickly fade from consciousness.

Recurring dreams

Even if I miss or forget something significant, I’m confident that it will emerge repeatedly in my dreams until I’m ready and able to catch hold of what it has to teach me. This is because the contents of my unconscious mind (memories, traumatic experiences, hidden desires, buried emotions etc), are constantly present, even though I’m not conscious of them. They bubble away beyond awareness, constantly influencing all I feel, think, say and do. They affect how I understand and judge my past, how I react to events in the present, and how I approach the future. They help to determine how I experience life, and how I relate to others.

If I had to face all the contents of my unconscious mind at once, I’m sure I they would overwhelm me. I would become very disturbed, and break down. On the other hand, if I tried to avoid facing them altogether, I would be unable to change, grow and move forward in my life.

Gradual healing, through dreams

Given time, I believe that every significant unresolved experience, trauma and emotion buried in my unconscious mind will gradually be revealed in my dreams. This natural process will continue until I have remembered them all, named them, and written them down. This will enable me to face them one at a time, bring them into the light of my prayers, and asking God to heal them. Thus, through dreams, these issues will no longer remain hidden in darkness, until symptoms such as panic, loss of temper, or despair erupt uncontrollably and without warning, apparently from nowhere.

Cause for rejoicing

So when I check my notebook each morning, I rejoice to see what has been harvested from my unconscious mind during the night. Despite no longer remembering the dreams themselves, their major themes have been safely retrieved and made accessible, ready for prayer. This is all I need.

No surprises for God

Of course, there are no surprises for God in all that surfaces; only for me. This is because God already knows the thoughts of my heart and everything about me that is hidden from conscious awareness. With dreams as my way forward, it’s wonderful to know that even my unconscious mind is being healed.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me (Psalm 139:1; NLT).


References 

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT).

I am the LORD who heals you (Exodus 15:26; NLT).

31.1.23: When I ask

When praying with my circlet, I’m learning to wait in silence on each new bead. Once I can see what it holds, I pray with it until the prayer is complete. Then I let it go, and move on to the next, as described in today’s prayer:

The Spirit also helps us in our weakness; for we do not know what prayers to offer nor in what way to offer them (Romans 8:26; WNT). 

Jesus,

When I ask your help,
A prayer awaits me in each bead:
All I have to do is listen
For your Holy Spirit’s lead.

Some hold silence, inspiration,
Intercession, thanks, or praise;
Some are full of light and warmth,
Of our shared love’s united gaze.

So I say the words you offer,
See all I am meant to see:
What a joy it is to know
That every day you care for me.

May I speak the words you give,
And learn what I am meant to learn,
Living, walking in your Spirit
Here, on earth, till I return.

The dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7; NIV).


References 

I will put my Spirit in you and you will live (Ezekiel 37:14; NIV). 

I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name (Isaiah 45:3; NLT). 

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion (Ephesians 6:18; NLT). 

Listen to God’s voice (Deuteronomy 26:17; TIB). 

The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving (Psalm 28:7; NLT).

He cares for those who trust in him (Nahum 1:7; NIV). 

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? (1 Corinthians 6:19; NLT). 

God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us (1 John 4:13; NLT). 

If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit (Galatians 5:25; KJV).

21.1.23: Understanding ourselves

Last Thursday, whilst praying for those who wage war on other people, I saw that whenever we harm or hurt someone else in any way, our behaviour reveals that we are unconsciously at war with some aspect of ourselves. Then today’s prayer started to flow:

We don’t understand (John 16:18; NLT). 

Lord, please help us to understand ourselves, because:

When we judge others,
We are are unconsciously judging ourselves.

When we don’t forgive others,
We are unconsciously unable to forgive ourselves.

When we hate others,
We unconsciously hate ourselves,

And when we wage war on others,
We are unconsciously at war with ourselves.

Lord, please help us to choose your perfect way, because:

When we learn to accept ourselves,
We will spontaneously accept others.

When we learn to care for ourselves,
We will spontaneously care for others.

When we learn to forgive ourselves,
We will spontaneously forgive others,

And when we learn to love ourselves,
We will spontaneously love others.

Love your neighbor as yourself (Luke 10:27; NLT).


References 

God’s way is perfect (2 Samuel 22:31; NLT). 

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2; NLT). 

Follow the way of love (1 Corinthians 14:1; NIV).

“You know the way to where I am going.”  “No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?” Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me” (John 14:4-6; NLT). 

He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will surely respond to the sound of your cries. Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes. Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left (Isaiah 30:19-21; NLT).


The Rosary Hospital 

Yesterday I enjoyed fulfilling a request for a smooth, comfortable Fiat Rosary. It is destined to be worn around the neck, always ready for use, and always ready to bring comfort:

21.9.22: God’s presence

Context: I woke, began to pray, and saw afresh that God is constantly present in us all.

I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on earth! (Psalm 116:9; NLT).

Practicing awareness

Once we recognise this, we can begin to practice remaining consciously aware of God’s presence, until our awareness becomes continuous. This is easy to say, but extremely difficult to put into practice. In fact, it can seem like an impossible task, for we have many distractions each day. Attempting it quickly reveals how easy it is to forget about God’s presence altogether for hours at a time.

Tangible reminders
However, tangible, meaningful reminders of God’s presence can be a useful aid. Those chosen will be different for everyone, depending on our faith and circumstances. Personally, I like to wear an olive-wood cross day and night, always available for me to kiss and hold. There are also a few pictures, icons and wall-crosses strategically placed around my home. Plus, as soon as I open my iPad, my favourite icon is there on the screen, as well.

Living in God’s presence
Slowly, usually through many years of practice, we can learn not just to remember God’s presence all the time, but to live in it. This means communing with God, whilst expressing God’s love as best we can, in all we think, say and do.

Becoming more Christ-like
Through constant contact with God, we become increasingly aware of our oneness with the Divine. This helps us to become more Christ-like, and even, astonishingly, a little more like God.

Constant oneness
In fact, of course, our oneness with God is unchanging, whether or not we are aware of it. This applies before birth, during our time on earth, and after death. So, if we want to live in the joy of God’s presence, all we have to do is to consciously practice remaining aware of, and communicating with, God, who lives within us.

18.9.22: The healing process


Context: Yesterday I woke very early, and saw that God lives in my unconscious mind, waiting and longing to heal me.

Healing is a lifelong process. It means slowly becoming conscious of all that is hidden in the darkness of my unconscious mind, so I can change and grow.

I can encourage this process by:

  • Seeking God
  • Waiting on God 
  • Praying constantly 
  • Listening to God
  • Learning from God
  • Practicing God’s presence

Slowly, slowly, God reveals to me all the damage that lives on in my inner darkness, bringing it into the light of consciousness, so it can be healed. This includes the psychological consequences of the trauma, bullying, coercive control and abuse I suffered throughout my childhood, and far beyond.

I can share in this process by:

  • Opening myself to all God uncovers and reveals to me
  • Facing what I am shown
  • Accepting it
  • Cooperating with God’s healing
  • Learning from from what God tells me
  • Working to change how I feel, think, speak and behave

As God helps me to change and grow, I become more whole as a person, and therefore just a tiny bit more like Christ.

There is no deeper or more complete healing than God’s inner healing.

The Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image (2 Corinthians 3:18; NLT).


References 

Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes (Ephesians 4:23; NLT). 

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:5; NIV).

I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you (Ezekiel 36:26; NLT). 

He renews my strength (Psalm 23:3; NLT). 

We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ (Ephesians 4:15; NLT).

As we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world (1 John 4:17; NLT). 

This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ (Ephesians 4:13; NLT).

The Lord – who is the Spirit – makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image (2 Corinthians 3:18; NLT). 

We will be like him (1 John 3:2; NLT). 

8.9.22: Starting afresh

Today is my 70th birthday, and it marks a fresh start here on my blog, as outlined yesterday (https://wp.me/p45bCr-cbb). From today, until a review in one month’s time, I will be sharing much more directly what God gives me, without trying to shape it into poetry or articles. Instead, my blogs will take the form of an honest daily, spiritual diary.

Hopefully, this change will enable me to continue communicating with you, whilst reducing my workload appropriately as my health deteriorates. Introducing this change is exciting, and makes me feel much more optimistic about the future, no matter what it may hold. So, here is the first entry in my new spiritual diary.

Then Jacob awoke from his sleep and said, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it!” (Genesis 28:16; NLT).

Lord, please help me to remember that I live in your presence. I want to be conscious of your nearness, day and night.

As I get older, you’re slowly revealing the contents of my unconscious mind. Please help me to learn from all you show me. Thank you for everything you bring out of my inner darkness. By the time I die, I want to have discovered, faced and accepted as many as possible of the treasures hidden there, however challenging this process may be.

Help me to shine as a beacon of your love wherever I am and in all circumstances, confident that everything is just as you wish it to be. May I learn from all I experience.

Lord, my life here is an exile and a pilgrimage. Whatever happens, please help me to keep on heading back home to you, whilst doing what I can to serve those I encounter along the way. Thank you for taking care of everything else.

I ask all this in your dear Son’s name. Amen.

I will give you the treasures of darkness and riches from secret places so that you may know that I am the Lord (Isaiah 45:3; CSB).

He reveals deep and mysterious things and knows what lies hidden in darkness (Daniel 2:22; NLT).

God must wait

Context: “The Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion” (Isaiah 30:18; NLT). For me, this is one of the most remarkable verses in the Bible.

God longs for a two-way relationship with us, suffers with us through all our trials and sorrows, and is always ready to help: “In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years” (Isaiah 63:9; NLT).

YHWH longs to be gracious to you (Isaiah 30:18; TIB). 

During my time here, Lord,
Learning to live,
You have been waiting
To help me forgive.

During my time here, Lord,
Each time I wept,
You have been longing
To help me accept.

During my time here, Lord,
Learning to care,
You have been eager
To help me in prayer.

After my time here, Lord,
Learning to love,
You will be ready
To greet me, above.

So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him (Luke 15:20; NLT). 

God in each atom (#2 of 3)

Context: This is the second of three blogs which arrived in quick succession while I was praying a few days ago. It’s very short, but it had a big impact on me.

God in each atom
Overwhelmed by light, I saw afresh that God is present in everyone and everything. However, this time I grasped that this is true right down to the level of the smallest atom (see reference 1 below).

Splitting atoms
Then I understood why atomic bombs have such devastating consequences: they split God within each atom. God is one, so this splitting releases God’s awesome, unimaginable power, resulting in terrible destruction (2-5).  Truly, the consequences of atomic warfare are a perfect example of “the abomination that causes desolation” (6).

The future
If humanity continues on its present course, we must all live with the constant risk that an exchange of atomic bombs will make the world uninhabitable. This is the very opposite of our original, God-given commission to take care of the earth on which we all depend (7).

My prayer
So my prayer today is that those with political and military power will ask God to help them change this situation before it’s too late. Unless we all learn to live in peace with one another there will be no need for God to bring the world to an end: we will already have achieved this, entirely of our own volition.

The end of the world is coming soon. Therefore, be earnest and disciplined in your prayers (1 Peter 4:7; NLT).

References

1. There is …one God and Creator of all, who is over all, who works through all and is within all (Ephesians 4:5-6; TIB).

2. The LORD our God, the LORD is one (Deuteronomy 6:4; NIV).

3. Who can comprehend the power of your anger? Your wrath is as awesome as the fear you deserve (Psalm 90:11; NLT).

4. We can’t even imagine the greatness of his power (Job 37:5; NLT).

5. You don’t know the power of God Matthew 22:29; NLT).

6. When you see ‘the abomination that causes desolation’ standing where it does not belong – let the reader understand – then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. Let no one on the housetop go down or enter the house to take anything out. Let no one in the field go back to get their cloak. How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! Pray that this will not take place in winter, because those will be days of distress unequaled from the beginning, when God created the world, until now – and never to be equaled again (Mark 13:14-19; NIV).

7. Then God said, “Let us make humankind in our image, to be like us. Let them be stewards of the fish in the sea, the birds of the air, the cattle, the wild animals, and everything that crawls on the ground.” Humankind was created as God’s reflection: in the divine image God created them; female and male, God made them. God blessed them and said, “Bear fruit, increase your numbers, and fill the earth – and be responsible for it!” (Genesis 1: 26-8; TIB).

Writing blogs

Context: Today’s blog arose from two lines which came to me recently:

Out of my darkness
Comes radiant light…

This phrase describes the sudden upwelling of inspiration which generates my writing. I have never been able to put it into words before.

Because of its rhythm, I expected the couplet to become the start of a poem. However, this task soon proved to be beyond me, so instead I resorted to making notes about what I needed to express. To my surprise, these jottings became a short article outlining five distinct stages through which most of my blogs come into being. After some prayer and reflection, I feel fairly comfortable about sharing it:

In Jerusalem, near the Sheep Gate, there is a pool with five porticoes; its Hebrew name is Bethesda. The place was crowded with sick people – those who were blind, lame or paralyzed – lying there waiting for the water to move. An angel of God would come down to the pool from time to time, to stir up the water; the first one to step into the water after it had been stirred up would be completely healed  (John 5:2-4; TIB). 

1. Worshipping without words
When worshipping without words, I rest in a womb-like space at the threshold between my conscious and unconscious minds. It’s warm, still, peaceful and dimly-lit, so I feel safe and comfortable there.

2. Light and movement 
Then, without warning, a brilliant light bubbles up from the total darkness of my unconscious mind, stirring the previously still surface of my consciousness. Intense brightness, warmth and love overwhelm me. I don’t know how long this moment lasts, because I’m not aware of anything beyond it, though I suspect it’s just a few seconds.

3. Inspiration, insight and words
This light brings a spiritual insight that is new to me, though it wouldn’t necessarily be new to others. I experience a moment of intense personal learning and inner healing. Discernible words quickly follow, rising up out of the darkness, though I neither hear nor see them. They simply take shape in my mind. Usually these words form the opening lines of a prayer; occasionally, an ending. They nearly always set the theme and rhythm for the whole piece.

4. Starting to write
Revelling in God’s light and warmth, I’m often reluctant to break off in order to catch hold of what I’ve been shown. However, long experience has taught me that if I don’t write it down immediately, it will disappear from my memory. The moment for seeing and grasping each insight comes only once.

So I reach for my iPad or notebook, quickly scribbling the words, then sketching out the shape of the whole piece. Sometimes, as I’m writing down each line, the next appears from nowhere, then the next, and I simply write them down. This takes just a few minutes. Once the bare bones of the piece are safely on the page, I begin the much longer process of working to express exactly what I learned as clearly and briefly as possible.

Gradually, the whole piece takes shape. If possible, I prefer to finalise it on the day it arrives. However, this stage can sometimes takes longer, depending on how difficult it is to put what I experienced into words. 

5. Finishing
There is always a strong sense of relief and fulfilment when I finish encapsulating each experience securely, in writing. Along the way I will have searched out numerous Biblical quotations, so all that remains is to select a few of the most helpful, tag some key words, and choose an illustration. This completes the process of preparing to share the light which comes out of my inner darkness.

I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden wealth of secret places, so that you may know that it is I, Yahweh, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name (Isiah 45:3; LSB). 


References

He uncovers deep things out of darkness (Job 12:22; NKJV).

Darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters (Genesis 1:2; KJV).

Beautiful words stir my heart (Psalm 45:1; NLT). 

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer (Psalm 19:14; NLT).